I hate being a step parent since having our DC

[LolaJune]

My DD is 1 and a half. I have two DSC who are 9 & 13.

Ever since having DD I absolutely hate being a step parent. I feel really guilty about it but I don't know how to stop.

There have been a few issues where I now feel it's become a them and us situation. DH has been so focussed on ensuring DSC don't feel left out that I have gone the complete opposite way and feel like I have to fight to ensure our DD isn't.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc..

My parents expressed concern at Christmas that they had got DD more than my SC and did I think that was okay and I felt annoyed that I or they even had to think about that. I want my DD to be spoiled by her grandparents and to feel more special to them. My DSC get that already from their own grandparents, why do they need it from my parents too?

I know I'll get the usual 'you knew what you were getting jnto' crap but this is the problem because genuinely my feelings now are completely different than before DD was born.

I used to be quite involved, help out a lot, do things with SC alone and all sorts. Now I really don't like having to do any of it as I feel like it takes my time away from DD.

I feel so fiercely protective of her and I don't really know why. DH knows and we've argued about it before.

I so prefer our family when they aren't here because I feel like the minute they walk through the door it's all eyes on them. They are here 50:50 so not EOW.

What do I do. Will this stop?

I have no advice but I feel exactly the same.

To be honest I think it's perfectly understandable that you're protective over your own child, and it does sound as though it's genuinely troubling you, it's not like you're deliberately being spiteful or petty towards/about your stepchildren.

Maybe during the time they're with you, you arrange specific activities with your DC (a baby class of some kind?) while DH does an activity with your DSC, so they have dedicated time with their parent. Then, as a group with you, DH and the DSC, think of things you can all do together, that they can join in with - could you all go swimming together or something? You will need to remind them that some activities will need to be a compromise, so you can all enjoy them together.

It does sound a little bit resentful to be angry that your parents showed concern about the gifts they'd purchased for your DC compared to DSC - it was kind of them to consider the DSC to that extent, and begrudging that sounds a little unreasonable.

At the end of the day, I think your DH needs to treat the children as a family group, and arrange things for the family all to do together. He has made the choice to have a child with a distinct age gap from his older children, and so he needs to take the lead on finding activities that he can do with all of his children. The onus should not be on you for that one.

@LolaJune I have no real advice but just wanted to say I hear you & see you.
I have three dc of my own & though while not the same I really struggled when exdp's dc came to stay.
All focus was expected to shift to them & my dc were relegated to second class citizens in their own home.
It's a very different situation to yours but the expectation to turn off from your own dc to switch on to sdc is the same.
I can't help feeling that in your case it's up to your oh to lead on this. He is the father of 3 dc, not you, & if his guilt at having another child is leading him to treat his other dc like royalty then you all have a long struggle ahead.
He needs to manage the dynamics & expectations & I can't help feeling that you might be feeling differently if you felt that he was treating all 3 dc equally? It sounds like you're on edge & overcompensating for his behaviours?

@Tattler2 I may be missing something here, but is it not reasonable for such a significant event in life, such as becoming a parent, to change your mindset on some things?

Would you say the same if OP was reevaluating their career after becoming a parent?

Some people feel that adding an "ours" baby to a blended family draws it together. For some, it adds additional pressure. OP is asking for support in how to manage these feelings. They have clearly done their best to maintain a relationship with their DSC, and this is now feeling more difficult.

We should be supporting people when they ask for it, not making unhelpful comments such as "Clearly some people spend far more time planning a giving thought to a wedding party/ceremony/reception and to the first time experiences to which they feel entitled rather than the manner in which they are going to conduct the actual living together process."

I’m sure your feelings are normal but it sounds like you need to change something. Is DH properly bonded with DD, as it might help if DH spends some time alone with her while you take DSC out & re-connect with them.

@Tattler2 that's a pretty harsh post & not really fair to op.
Not all women feign interest in a man's dc in order to nab him!!!! Rather I would say that it is yet another example of society's & individuals expectations that women will actively like & assist ALL children that has so many women feeling obliged to spending time with a man's dc. I also think a women taking an interest in a man's dc is often wildly misinterpreted (by him & others) as her wanting to mother them, & many men pursue relationships mistaking a woman's mild affection for their dc as "loving them like her own" & when that doesn't prove to be the case he conveniently forgets his dc already have a mother & takes all the frustration of his mismanaged expectations out on his partner/wife.
Women feel very wary about speaking up about children in general & many relationships wouldn't get very far if the women said "I love you & your dc are fine but I'm not that interested in spending huge amounts of time with them". Most men & a lot of women would judge her; think she's less than; consider her cold etc. because most people (wrongly) see their dc as extensions of themselves - if you don't love my dc then you don't love me - & think that all women should feel inherently maternal (to all children) when the truth is that most don't.

You can like children without being maternal.
Women do not feel free to express any opinion on all this because it's still considered unfeminine & hard to say "meh, I can take or leave your dc".
The reason men (by your logic) don't feel the need to have overt interest in their partner's dc is that women (generally) actually understand biology & DO NOT EXPECT their partners to feel the same way as they do about their dc.

@hulahoopqueen
It may be amazingly helpful to the next woman planning on becoming a step mother to suggest that she give as much or more thought to living and conducting the actual life as is often given to planning a wedding and reception. On is a largely for show event that last only a few hours, the other is an event with the potential for major impact on human lives. Sometimes the priorities seem very skewed. Children do not get second opportunities at a childhood. Adults get endless opportunities at relationships, marriages, opportunities to step parent, etc.

It seems to me that it is extremely important to get the one opportunity for a childhood right.

Just find the middle ground OP and explain to your DH that he has to find the middle ground too.

It's not a blame game. You want him to be in the wrong so you can justify your thoughts.

He's not wrong, you're not wrong but you have to make the best of it. You can only control yourself and your feelings. Communicating might help but only if you're open to listening too.

Sorry but blended family's aren't easy
Not all in blended families have it easy
Pretty much all families have their own shit going on.

Cut yourself AND him and DSC a break

*not all NON blended families

Also, although there is a big age gap, your younger DSC will presumably still enjoy some activities, such as play park & soft play which are more compatible with a toddler.

The other thing to remember is that, unreasonable or not, it is usually the mum that arranges play dates etc. You might need to push your DH to arrange friends to come & play for the 9yr old. I would assume 13yr old arranges their own social life. I’m just thinking that if all their socialising happens on their Mum’s time, they are going to need more entertaining when with you. Whereas at that age they tend to disappear off to their room if they have a friend round, rather than wanting DH’s attention all the time.

What I mean is, if they were all yours & DH, then a typical Saturday would probably be: 13yr old out with friends while either you or DH met one of 9yr olds friends at the park with DD as well. If the DSC are living with you 50% then DH doesn’t need to be Disney dad all the time.

I feel pissed off that I can't just have a normal mother and child relationship without constantly thinking about other children. Can I put these pictures up of DD or will there be too many of her and not DSC, can I buy her this, can I go here etc etc. this was me up until about 6 months ago when I had a stern word with DH and told him I didn't care what he did with DSC but it was not my responsibility to ensure equality re photos etc and I will do what I want with DC as I doubt their mum is sat there wondering what she can do with DSC and make it all "fair"? DH is the only one who needs to spread himself between the 3 of them.

@Tattler2 that's so far off the mark. I made 100% clear I wasn't going to be a housewife for DH and his DSC. I didn't feign interest. Are you trying to be deliberately provocative or are these genuinely your views? You think that little of people?

It may be amazingly helpful to the next woman planning on becoming a step mother to suggest that she give as much or more thought to living and conducting the actual life as is often given to planning a wedding and reception This is so patronising

I think @Tattler2 's post tells us more about them rather than shedding any light whatsoever on OP's situation.

@Tattler2 Your comments were patronising and uncalled for

It does sound a little bit resentful to be angry that your parents showed concern about the gifts they'd purchased for your DC compared to DSC - it was kind of them to consider the DSC to that extent, and begrudging that sounds a little unreasonable.

I guess I wasn't angry at my parents. I understand it's kind of them. I just hate how everyone around DD has to be so concerned about DSC all the time. Her grandparents can't even buy her some nice things at Christmas without worrying about it.

And admittedly yes I'd have been pissed off if my parents then started buying exactly the same amount for DSC (who they don't have a GP relationship with) it would feel like just another thing my DD has to share even though DSC already get it with their mothers side if that makes sense?

I want my DDs relationship to be unique with her grandparents. I know my parents don't FEEL anywhere near the same way about DSC as they do DD but I don't like the idea of them feeling pressure to pretend that they do. What's wrong with DD just knowing and feel special to them? Just like DSC have with their mum's parents.

I'll just be ignoring Tattler tbh. I've read this board for a while and her posts are either unhelpful or absolutely nothing to do with what's posted just a long ramble about something completely irrelevant.

I completely 100% understand the grandparents "issue" I feel the same. They waited so long for grandchildren I don't want it to become about the DSC everytime they spoilt DC. I told them pretty early on there was no need for them to feel they had to do anything with the DSC in terms of gifts etc. They aren't stupid they know they aren't their grandparents.

I find if you address these things once as they come up they then don't build into a BIG THING.

@GlassRaven
My post was solely a thought generated by the OP's post. Over the recent past there have been several posts on this or related topics.

Often times the response is" I did not know what I was getting into. " in what life situation are we guaranteed any certainty about anything? Step parenting is no different. Life offers certainty and surety to no situation. What we do have is the ability to plan and learn prior to acting.

I doubt that many step parents meet their step children at the altar on the wedding day. There is usually ample opportunity to get to know these children, expectations surrounding them, real and potential living arrangements, finances, interactions real or potential with the ex etc.

Certainly no one can predict every outcome and occurrence, but it I disingenuous to encourage people not to plan and anticipate prior to becoming involved and committed. In such situations ,you are not a victim of the situation but rather a victim of your own failure to act in an informed proactive manner.

@LolaJune I hear you too. It is totally reasonable that your feelings change as a situation changes.

Yes, you knew you were having a baby. But no one can anticipate what becoming a mother feels like. Nor did you anticipate that your husband would respond as he has.

It is not a nice feeling when you cannot just have a normal relationship with your own baby (and for your parents to do the same with their grandchild) because you always have to second guess your husband’s sensitivities around the children he had before he met you.

Of course you feel protective of your daughter. You should do. Maybe her father should be asking himself what he is doing that is triggering all those perfectly normal maternal instincts. Why is he making his older children into a threat of any kind?

@Tattler2 reducing it all to evil second wives lying and tricking til they ‘get their man’ is misogynistic nonsense. Unacceptably so.

In fairness to OP's partner, her feelings about her expectations about the uniqueness of the grandparent experience is perfectly valid. However, I would bet that this position is not one that she shared with het partner prior to having a child with him. He too should have had the opportunity to determine if this was a part of something that he could comfortably accept.

No right or wrong just openness and honesty in relationships. Openness and honesty leads to less bait and switch.