Why to SMs get such a hard time on MN?

[UsernameFail]

I am a wicked SM and follow the step parenting page.

I find the page very interesting and have learnt loads from my mistakes (although often too late but helped with giving me clarity).

I don't post much for fear of taking a beating from people who are evidently clueless about the complexities that arise in being a step mom or trying to integrate families.

I still wonder why MNetters are so awful to Step Moms?

takes a deep breath and presses post

I think there are a few reasons that people are particularly unpleasant to step parents on here, that have to do with their insecurities and experiences.

But honestly, I think the bottom line is that the internet is just full of the worst, most extreme kind of people. I've noticed that when you look at the commenters on pretty much any site focused on discussion, on any subject, no matter how frivolous, you get 90% comments that are WAY more passionate and negative than the subject warrants. Having seen what people say about the smallest of things online, I've learnt to take the extremity of views about blended families with a pinch of salt. It's just what people on the internet are like, they don't just dislike something, it's always the worst thing in the world.

This is just a guess, but maybe see step-mums as 'the other woman' and are holding on to bitterness?

I think the existence of step mums reminds some posters that there's a possibility their relationship might not work out and their partners might go on to meet something else.

There's also a weird competitive thing that some mums have about another woman becoming close with their child and doing "mum" things for them.

Some posters have had bad experiences with their own step parents and project these onto posters here.

And of course, some parents have this weird thing where they feel like everyone in the world has to find their child as delightful as they do, even when the child is anything but delightful. This isn't limited to the step parenting forum, there are loads of threads where a child has behaved appallingly and someone else has called this behaviour out and the parents are furious.

Because some posters insist on giving advice on things they know nothing about. Because some people are a little bit bitter and twisted. Because a step family situation can vary so widely between family to family but lots of people expect everyone to conform to some sort of ideal. Lots and lots of reasons. I have been on the receiving end many times because my situation is not really fully blended and I set out this expectation to my husband before we even got married. But I get criticised for not treating my step-kids as my own. (By MN, not by him).

I think lots of the relationship advice on here comes from a place of passion. I've never had relationship counselling but I can't imagine it's anything like mumsnet advice. The context given by the poster is rarely enough to give a conclusive action to respond with. I'm always shocked with how easy people on here find it ti leave a partner. One woman was being told to leave because her partner got drunk on NYE, was obnoxious and slapped her arse too hard.

There's also a weird competitive thing that some mums have about another woman becoming close with their child and doing "mum" things for them.

I've heard stuff around this with parents who refuse to use childminders in rl.

However on MN I've only seen it with grandmothers from both or one side, aunts and other female relations.

I don't think it's just limited to the online world to be honest. We had some major family negotiations over christmas because I've been on the naughty step ever since i drew boundaries with my adult stepdaughter last year. MIL backs SD which undermines DH, ExW will use any axe that she can throw in his back so has also piled in on this. I told them that I deserve to have my boundaries respected as an adult in my home, that' not a step mum thing it's a basic right as an adult. I got the sort of response that said "I hear you but you're a step mum so you're technically a 2nd class citizen and the SC can do what they want.

I saw a video online yesterday hero worshipping a guy for "stepping up" as a step dad but he didnt do anything that the majority of step mums do every day. But because he is a man he's singled out for praise. in my experience you can do everything to welcome SC and look after them but the minute you push back you're lauded as an "evil step mum"

In regards to SM and SC lots of people are projecting how they felt (not feel) as part of such a relationship or how they think they would feel.

In rl most people rub along well.

However there are a few people who are just horrid or don't know how to act appropriately.

People forget that the people who post on MN are only posting about the horrible situations and in lots of cases the issue isn't the SM and the SC but the behaviour, reactions and expectations of the partner to their children and the ex.

Thank you for all your measured responses. You're all saying things I know, and have learnt and feel.

People go into relationships with good intentions- even step parents. It's hard enough navigating life with your own family let alone one with issues (and I use the term issues because when a family has split, there will always be issues - they just may not have come to the surface yet).

@Dollyparton3 I'm in a similar situation to you but won't go into details yet as I'm building up courage to post and vocalise on here.

And I suppose this is my issue, that even on MN there is no safe space for SMs to talk or get anonymous advice without getting an earful. Does this happen across the board or just on the step parenting pages?

@UsernameFail weirdly enough and someone who had more knowledge of why this maybe but on the whole If support thread is in the title and you make it explicit to being just need SM advice those threads tend to be left alone.

If a thread goes into active people just jump it.

I'm answer to your former question. I personally think it's because blended families challenge the status quo the nuclear family model and show some people you don't have to be in a relationship if your not happy. This is scary. Imagine if we truly all treated our partners like we would lose them every day, probably less divorce but people don't so there's risk where socially before leaving a partner was simply now allowed and pushed by society heavily. But that's why the OW narrative has to be "she stole him" rather than he willingly went there because sexism lives and breaths.

I personally think that SM standards are higher for women than men, much like when your a mum the bar is higher, but step mum you have to be super human to almost justify your existence. If not why are you here ? In some peoples heads they would just not allow blended families because the control is no longer in their domain.

Some people really do think blowing out another candles makes theirs glow brighter. And I suppose in a dark room it kinda does.

No idea tbh. So much can be read into a situation that just isn't there. I posted very recently about a minor annoyance in my stepparenting journey and my marriage was then doomed to failure and cries of me being a bitter child hating selfish step mum.

This was just about thank you cards so god knows what response I would have got if it had been about the bigger issues step parents face

I think in some cases the step mother is posting here about unreasonable behaviour from the children's mother and mothers on this forum feel that it is an criticism of mothers as a whole so feel it is an attack on them when in reality it has nothing to do with them.

I also think there's a weird narrative that somehow step mothers should know in advance what it is like to be a step mother - we are all familiar with the phrase you knew what you were getting into. However this is clearly rubbish - no one knows how they will feel in a situation and no one can predict how the complex dynamics involved will play out. I highly doubt that parents know in advance exactly what parenting will be like so I don't know why the expect childless step mothers to somehow know!

And I suppose this is my issue, that even on MN there is no safe space for SMs to talk or get anonymous advice without getting an earful. Does this happen across the board or just on the step parenting pages?

If I have an issue I do try and see if it fits under any other category. I do stay away from AIBU though as I expect that would only be more brutal.

I think we all bring our experiences to a thread and I believe my stbexh had an emotional affair and I would’ve been distraught if it had led to a stepmum relationship with my dc. So I generally try not to comment on a step parent board knowing I could provide an emotional response rather than any actual useful advice. I tend to lurk on this board because I would like my partner to move in and am interested in what makes a step parent relationship successful.

I have noticed a few things on this board and actually lots of others (AIBU). Often people don’t lurk enough before posting so don’t really get the mood of the board or Mumsnet. So their op will say something like ‘birth mum’ and they might be seen to criticise the mum or stepchild for a failing of the father. Sometimes it’s just clumsy wording. So there’ll be an immediate pile on for using the word birth mum and the op will be snippy or defensive and it’ll escalate. I do get upset about ones that criticise the children as it might be the stepmom saying some poor child never tidies their bedroom / wants to sleep with dad etc and it might be their expectations of the child are too high or the dad hasn’t properly parented.

Personally I find it odd when a stepmum posts about a stepchild - why isn’t the dad doing it? Is he too busy? Doesn’t care enough? Doesn’t perceive a problem? That to me an adult relationship problem rather than a problem with a child.

@stealthninjamum when SM post about a SC it can be because:

1. The SC is an adult and they are causing problems. There was a thread a few days ago about a 30 year old SC.

1. The SC lives with the SM the vast majority of the time. The issues depend on age.

1. The SC lives with the SM 100% of the time. In those cases the SM may actually be a legal guardian.

1. The dad has dumped the parenting of their child on the SM. In a few cases it is because the dad works shifts and doesn't have the money to go to Court to sort out proper child arrangements, but in the vast majority of cases it is because the dad thinks it is a woman's role to provide childcare.

Posters bring their own baggage to all sorts of threads.

Personally I find it odd when a stepmum posts about a stepchild - why isn’t the dad doing it? Is he too busy? Doesn’t care enough? Doesn’t perceive a problem?

@stealthninjamum most of the people who post on mumsnet are female so therefore you will get more step mums posting that you will dads. Maybe the dads are also posting on other forums that are used more by men.

Also, step mums are humans with feeling and will therefore sometimes seek support from others. Your post seems to suggest that step mum's shouldn't have any feelings about anything that involves their SC. That is not a realistic expectation on anyone.

You’re right redwingboots there are lots of reasons why a stepmum might post but I’m trying to explain why I get upset (although admittedly I rarely post) at an post that seems to be criticising the child when it’s often the fault of the dad. In my case I have a dd with autism and I see it as my job to get help to support her and research how to help her. I know my partner googles autism and sends me interesting articles but if I found him on Mumsnet or Reddit then I would see that as a failure of the relationship (and me) that we weren’t able to talk through the issues.

Fwiw I believe some stepmums are amazing, I have a friend whose ex would forget to feed the dc or give them junk food for a whole weekend and as soon as the stepmum came along the mum was grateful to have someone look after them properly. My own stbexh didn’t know how to boil an egg when he left and I wouldn’t mind if he had a partner now - as long as she accepted dds special needs were not just dd being ‘naughty’ and didn’t post on Mumsnet about them!

kyliekoko and this is why I don’t post often - it was not my intention to criticise stepmums at all. As I was trying to say it’s often how we say things that matter.

We all need a place to let off steam. Incidentally the example I used above if my dd’s hypothetical stepmum came on and said ‘my stepdaughter has autism how can I help her to feel secure?’ that’s very different to a post like ‘my stepdaughter will only sleep in her dads bed and it’s not normal, how can I get her in her bed?’ But I would also hope she could talk to my ex and he would explain the issues.

didn’t post on Mumsnet about them!

@stealthninjamum if a child's behavior negatively impacts a SM and she needs advice on how to deal with it I think the SM is well within her rights to post on a step parenting forum about it. Just as I am sure you would feel it would be OK for parents to post on forums about their childs behaviour when they need help.

Again it seems that you don't think step mums are entitled to have negative feelings and reach out for support about them.

Surely a step mum being able to be open about how child's behaviour negatively impacts them and then receiving advice on how to deal with it would result in the step mum not becoming resentful. If she gets decent advice on how to cope then her relationship with the child becomes easier which is good for everyone.

Step mothers feeling like they have to bottle up negative feelings because it is seen as terrible to criticize a child's behaviour just leads to worse outcomes for everyone, including the child.

I think the problem is @stealthninjamum there are very few places where step mums can let off steam. A step parenting forum should be one of those places.
Frankly, someone is not a step parent and reading criticism of children upsets them then I would suggest they stay away from the tiny corner of mumsnet for step parents.

I know my partner googles autism and sends me interesting articles but if I found him on Mumsnet or Reddit then I would see that as a failure of the relationship (and me) that we weren’t able to talk through the issues.

It might be a failure of the relationship, but it's very likely that failure would lie in your defensiveness around perceived criticism of the child. This is the number one reason a step parent would feel the need to post on a forum rather than talk to their partner about it.

and didn't post on MN about them

This is another example of this. It can be very difficult living with a step child with autism, so very likely to lead a step mum to post.

Also @stealthninjamum I am not picking on you I just wanted to explain why you might see what comes across as mean criticism. It is often the result of pent up emotions because it is really hard to talk about some of this stuff anywhere else it is frustrating that some people want step mother to censor their feeling on board designed for step parents. I am not saying that you do but some non step parents who, for some reason post here, seem to.

I agree that we need a space to let off steam but as I have said a couple of times it is how the step mum words it that can cause negativity and I have seen examples where it is presented as a problem of the child rather the dad.

My partner has friends he can reach out to - I accept when my daughter is tapping her foot or singing a song for an hour it can be annoying - but we have a conversation and discuss it. If he posted on Mumsnet and said she was childish or naughty then I would imagine we’re not compatible. As I mentioned the reason I usually lurk here is that there is good advice for when I do move in with him. There are boundaries in each family and I like to see how others set them.

I think there are some mums whose children have stepmums in their childrens lives and they find that difficult and perhaps can’t express that so jump on stepmums here with their own insecurities. I do actually understand that as I’d find it very hard if my DC had another woman in their life doing all the mum things.
I also think a big part of it is that women are expected to be all things at all times which includes being maternal to children that aren’t theirs.
In addition some people do not understand that step family dynamic; I nearly always see people saying why is the stepmum doing things for the child when it should be the dad but that’s not the reality of family life or relationships. No one would question why my DH looks after all things related to my car but they question why am I the one sorting out school stuff for his daughter. Short answer being that we play to our strengths and share jobs/roles in the home. Add in to that a mum who doesn’t like the idea of their child’s stepmum doing these things then here you are