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Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 03/01/2022 21:13

You are completely within your rights to do as you are doing, and doubtless you'll have lots of posters telling you it's fine.

For me - you're not a family, doing things the way you are. Separate finances, separate funds for children's birthdays, completely disproportionate different spending on "his" and "our" children. You're housemates who share a child. Not a family. It's cold, and I wouldn't want to live like that.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/01/2022 21:13

So the person who never saves now wants to have the benefits of saving for his son. I'm not that sympathetic. Plus asking for something really expensive with only a few weeks' notice is not great on his son's part.

That said, how much are you spending on your joint son's birthday stuff? Is it in the £450 ballpark?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/01/2022 21:15

Also, do you usually pay for the whole cost of your joint son's birthday presents? Or would his dad normally share that?

Can your stepson's mum contribute towards his expensive requested present?

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:16

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

So the person who never saves now wants to have the benefits of saving for his son. I'm not that sympathetic. Plus asking for something really expensive with only a few weeks' notice is not great on his son's part.

That said, how much are you spending on your joint son's birthday stuff? Is it in the £450 ballpark?

To be fair I don't think his son really understands how expensive it is. It's a specific piece of gear in relation to a sport he does but he's only 10 so can be forgiven for not really knowing.

What I'm spending on DS would be in that sort of range but only because it includes a party and the things that go with that. DSS hasn't asked for or wanted a party for years.

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 03/01/2022 21:16

How old is DSS?

That's a lot of money to spend on a child's birthday and it doesn't sound like it's within the budget available including your usual contribution.
I would give your DH the £30-£40 you would normally offer and leave it with him to buy his son's present.

LethargicActress · 03/01/2022 21:17

Is there going to be a noticeable disparity between what is given to your son and what is given to your dss?

As a one off, I think I’d contribute. Savings can be replaced, but a child will remember being let down about something they’ve been led to believe they can have on their birthday, especially if they can see that their sibling got more.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:17

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Also, do you usually pay for the whole cost of your joint son's birthday presents? Or would his dad normally share that?

Can your stepson's mum contribute towards his expensive requested present?

They don't really get on and have always kept presents separate so I doubt it.

I usually take on most of the cost for DS's stuff yes although he'll contribute some.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 03/01/2022 21:18

Nope. For big expensive things costing hundreds of pounds, if anyone it should be his mum going halves, not you.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:18

@LethargicActress

Is there going to be a noticeable disparity between what is given to your son and what is given to your dss?

As a one off, I think I’d contribute. Savings can be replaced, but a child will remember being let down about something they’ve been led to believe they can have on their birthday, especially if they can see that their sibling got more.

I don't think there will be in terms of actual gifts. DS's birthday is only costing so much because he's having a party and DSS isn't.
OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:22

@sadpapercourtesan

You are completely within your rights to do as you are doing, and doubtless you'll have lots of posters telling you it's fine.

For me - you're not a family, doing things the way you are. Separate finances, separate funds for children's birthdays, completely disproportionate different spending on "his" and "our" children. You're housemates who share a child. Not a family. It's cold, and I wouldn't want to live like that.

To me I'm contributing by not asking DH for half of everything to do with DS, I always end up paying more towards DS's things. That leaves him free to spend what he needs to on DSS. But I'm not doing that and paying half of everything for DSS too!
OP posts:
Ohpulltheotherone · 03/01/2022 21:22

So you usually pay for your shared DCs presents and bits and bobs he needs above the essentials out of the joint account (food, heating etc etc)

And DH usually pays for his child.

But now he can’t afford the present that his DC wants, he wants you to go half?

Why not present him with half the bill for your shared DCs party and presents then?

Does he not see that you’d then be shouldering 75% of the costs? It’s not 50% of one DC. It’s 100% or the vast majority of one DC and 50% of the other. So you’re picking up most of the cost?

That’s what he’s asking you to do?

I’d say no, I’m not picking up 75% of the birthday costs. But I will contribute 50 and I will loan you the rest and you can pay me back into my savings.

He can’t believe that it’s fair that you pick up 3/4 of the costs?

User135792468 · 03/01/2022 21:24

I think you’re absolutely right. You have saved for your ds when in theory, your husband should be contributing 50% and paying for his own son. I’m reality, he should be giving you money for your shared ds and not asking for anything for dss if your finances are separate. Stay strong as if not, he will do this year after year for birthdays and Christmas.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:24

@Ohpulltheotherone

So you usually pay for your shared DCs presents and bits and bobs he needs above the essentials out of the joint account (food, heating etc etc)

And DH usually pays for his child.

But now he can’t afford the present that his DC wants, he wants you to go half?

Why not present him with half the bill for your shared DCs party and presents then?

Does he not see that you’d then be shouldering 75% of the costs? It’s not 50% of one DC. It’s 100% or the vast majority of one DC and 50% of the other. So you’re picking up most of the cost?

That’s what he’s asking you to do?

I’d say no, I’m not picking up 75% of the birthday costs. But I will contribute 50 and I will loan you the rest and you can pay me back into my savings.

He can’t believe that it’s fair that you pick up 3/4 of the costs?

I think this is one of those times where to him if magically becomes "family money" rather than money I have saved when he hasn't. He thinks we shouldn't spend X on one if we can't afford to spend it on the other too.

However to me, we are not doing anything. I have specifically saved for my son's birthday.

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/01/2022 21:28

My partner and his ex sort out all gifts for their daughter. I think he is being really cheeky.

GrazingSheep · 03/01/2022 21:28

It sounds like this is going to be a long road of you subsidising his spending.

Tattler2 · 03/01/2022 21:32

You don't have an obligation to contribute anything towards your stepson's gift. What is reasonable should be determined by the nature of your relationship with your husband, your financial status, and your personal preference.

Perhaps, the mom would be willing to share the cost given that it is related to a special interest of the son. Your husband has nothing to lose be talking to the mom about this as a one off.

ny20005 · 03/01/2022 21:33

So he blows all his money & then expects your savings to be family money Hmm

Offer to loan him the rest of the money he needs from your savings & agree how much he can pay you back per week or month. I'd be tempted to get it in writing

FlorenceNightshade · 03/01/2022 21:38

No way would I dip into my savings just because his dad is disorganised! Your DSS has two parents who are responsible for this it's really not your problem. I wouldn't do this for my stepchildren in this situation either! Yes January birthdays are shit but your DH has had all year to save up for a gift.
Don't feel guilty, if anything your DH owes you for his share of your DSs gifts!

Theflamingnerd · 03/01/2022 21:38

I know you've mentioned that DH and his ex don't really communicate, but is there a possibility that DSS has also requested the same present from his mum?

I'm just thinking that if she's also struggling to stump up the cash for something quite extravagant, which then appears courtesy of yourself then you'll be accused of trying to out do her. DH really should speak to her and find out. This is absolutely something that would be better off being discussed and arranged between them.

I'm with you on this btw, you've saved money for your DS and as your DH hasn't been asked or required to put towards him then he should have also been able to put some cash away for his own child. Although the present present was an unexpected request I assume DH knew his child's birthday was approaching.

timeisnotaline · 03/01/2022 21:39

Sure dh. Since we are splitting costs we really should start with the child we are both parents to so can you please transfer half ds’s birthday costs to my account. Then I can transfer it back for dss…. You see how I’m actually subsiding you parenting dss all the time by finding our child together?

Really, this is so entitled of him. If he cared enough he’d save. It would be a real problem for me as not being on the same page financially is a huge relationship issue.

user1493494961 · 03/01/2022 21:39

No, I wouldn't give him any money towards it.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 03/01/2022 21:41

We have separate finances. For example my ds got a £250 bike for his birthday.. Dh put 50 in. I was fine with that. Our joint ds he would pay half. Acceptable imo.
Yanbu to not use your joint ds's allowance for his ds's gift..

Bouncer500 · 03/01/2022 21:46

I could not be bothered being in a relationship where my partner was hoarding hundreds of pounds for their own child's birthday and offering £30 towards my child's birthday and acting like spending an equal amount in my child was unreasonable. It may not be that big a deal but says everything about what sort of a person they are and how they value me and my child. They would not be worth the time or energy.

Datsandcogs · 03/01/2022 21:49

But you shouldn’t be contributing half to DSS’s presents, he gets things from his mother as well. I think you covering most of your DS’s costs is more than sufficient. DH can’t fall back on your savings and expect you to cover for the son you share.

Blendiful · 03/01/2022 21:50

If he is not paying half for DS stuff, he shouldn’t be asking you to pay half of DSS stuff either. He can’t have it both ways.

If you’ve saved extra and he’s paid the ‘normal’ half and your extra is to allow your DS to have the party and more stuff. Then he is welcome to do the same for DSS, you pay your normal and if he wants to pay the extra to allow him a more extravagant gift then fine. He seems to want you to foot the bill purely because he hasn’t saved and he’s pissed off that you have, DS will now have more spent and he’ll look like a bad dad to DSS. His problem. Yes it’s unfair on DSS but again that’s his dads issue.

I agree with OP above who said maybe suggest you’ll contribute what you would and he can loan the rest of you but it’s to be paid back at an agreed amount each week/month.