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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 05/01/2022 11:06

@sassbott

There was even one convo when I took my kids on a pretty great trip. His first response? ‘my kids will be jealous they didn’t get to go.’ I simply looked at him and replied ‘last time I looked, I don’t have a monopoly on going to x location, you can take yours there too. And if you think your kids will be jealous, don’t tell them. We won’t.’

The reason I’m sharing these examples is because these issues don’t come up in just ‘blended’ situations. I lived apart from him, zero blending, my finances were mine, his were his. But there was still an inate entitlement in him. He knew I had money ‘spare’ (as the OP’s DH puts it) and he fully expected me to use said ‘spare’ money to extend the trip to his children too. Even without us blending, he felt that differential between how his children and my children were treated.

Honestly? I think a lot of these sorts of situations would be there because of entitlement. Plenty of SP’s in these situations don’t encounter these issues and their partners are fully boundaried. It simply comes down to some parents having hugely misplaced entitlement issues IMO.

Did it not put you off him? His attitude?
tiredofthisshit21 · 05/01/2022 11:21

@coodawoodashooda I think that @sassbott is no longer with her partner so clearly it did put her off him! Smile

coodawoodashooda · 05/01/2022 12:03

[quote tiredofthisshit21]**@coodawoodashooda* I think that @sassbott* is no longer with her partner so clearly it did put her off him! Smile[/quote]
Yay for Sassboot. Thank you. Can't have read it properly.

sassbott · 05/01/2022 19:34

@coodawoodashooda yes it did. And fortunately for me they were red flags I paid some sort of attention to. So whilst I stayed in the relationship and continued to try and work at it, I also put in place a lot of clear boundaries. Thank goodness.

sassbott · 05/01/2022 19:35

Oh and if it isn’t clear, he is very much an ex due to this and many other behaviours around his children and general entitlement

coodawoodashooda · 05/01/2022 19:38

@sassbott

Oh and if it isn’t clear, he is very much an ex due to this and many other behaviours around his children and general entitlement
Good. I find it stagger how many people think they are entitled because someone else is prepared.
Genevie82 · 06/01/2022 17:45

In principle he should be asking DSS mother to go half’s with him on this present given how expensive it is and it’s DDS hobby - he’s their child together. You shouldn’t be made to feel guilty it’s not like he doesn’t have two parents ! … if his mum is reluctant then your DH has to simply accept he can’t afford it like many parents in his position .. or get saving for next Xmas !

jimmyjammy001 · 09/01/2022 04:54

Sounds like a money issue in your relationship, you seem to be saving and your partner does not, so you make sacrifices to save and then your partner expects you to pay for his things in life like his sons presents when he could have of saved up, sorry but he should buy something he can afford. Obviously there will be a different opinion from people saying that you have got into a relationship with someone who has allready got a child so you should be treating them equal, either way there will allways be these sorts of problems when there are step children in a relationship and to keep the peace you might just have to pay for things you don't want to, this just comes part and parcel with being a step parent unfortunately.

hashbrownsandwich · 09/01/2022 05:13

DSS has two parents.
DS has two parents.

Each set sorts the presents between them. Simples.

MeridianB · 09/01/2022 15:03

I agree it’s not your responsibility and if he can’t afford £450 and refuses to approach his ex then he needs to explain to his son. This post has it right:

My DSS wants something really expensive for his birthday that's coming up. He's about to turn 10 also and DP and his mum have a bad relationship so can't comunicate to half in. DP has said that he will give DSS a set amount towards the cost of buying it, and that he can work towards buying it himself over the next few months by earning money for doing jobs around the house. He's also asked family members who have asked what he wants for his birthday to contribute towards it by just giving him money in a card. Could your DH do something like this? At 10 it's a good way for your DSS to start developing his understanding of the value of things as well.

beachcitygirl · 18/01/2022 20:00

@tootiredtospeak

Also all those saying you shouldn't have to pay for your DH shit planning with money should be telling you not to take that out on a child. Be grown up and address it with him seperate to this issue. I am not saying a 10yr old should have 450 spent on them that's debatable but I would pay if you can afford it and then sit your DH down and say from now on you both agree weeks or months in advance a budget for both childrens birthdays contribute half each and stick to it. If then after plenty of fore warning he doesnt come up with anything for your joint childs Birthday then you have every right to be pissed but take it out on your DH not your stepson be the bigger person there.
This ! 💯
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