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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
backtolifebacktoreality · 04/01/2022 00:01

Can't your DH buy your DSS's present with the boy's mum?

For those saying that you should spend similar amounts on both, don't forget that DSS should also get presents from his mum!

KateyKontent · 04/01/2022 00:02

We have separate money and always have. We have equitable spending money after bills. We are still a family, it is ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

I save and my DH does not. Savings are for emergencies only. I would pay for something if asked, not a birthday present for a DC.

YANBU. I would not contribute half. I would contribute £30-40 if that's what you usually do. If the 10 year old had parties when he was younger, then it is fair.

Berrybear · 04/01/2022 00:07

DP will typically by DSCs' presents although I would tend to contribute in one way or another. He would never expect me to pay half though and if he was asking for £225 like your DH is I would 100% say no.

My DSS wants something really expensive for his birthday that's coming up. He's about to turn 10 also and DP and his mum have a bad relationship so can't comunicate to half in. DP has said that he will give DSS a set amount towards the cost of buying it, and that he can work towards buying it himself over the next few months by earning money for doing jobs around the house. He's also asked family members who have asked what he wants for his birthday to contribute towards it by just giving him money in a card. Could your DH do something like this? At 10 it's a good way for your DSS to start developing his understanding of the value of things as well.

BungleandGeorge · 04/01/2022 00:20

Do you both earn the same amount? If you earn a lot more, you both contribute equally to bills, It would be very unfair of you to have your own savings and a lot more spending money.
£450 is a lot for a kids birthday. It might be worth him speaking to the mother, she may have already said it’s too expensive and he’s now asked dad

FairFuming · 04/01/2022 00:23

@SeasonFinale

I think there is nothing wrong with DH explaining to his DS (your DSS) that what he wants costs £450 and is therefore too expensive. Surely that would be the sensible course of action even if he were staring the cost with his ex!
Yes and pay what he can afford towards it and then let DSS make up the rest with his pocket/birthday money? Might help him have a healthier view of saving than his father.

My ex tried this shit with me and his DS's a few times. Would hardly contribute to our shared kids but wanted me to pay for his older kids claiming it was a loan when it never was and it caused a lot of resentment between us as I couldn't afford to and it would literally have been taking food out of my children's mouths (he was a financially abusive arsehole though).

Good luck OP.

Confusedteacher · 04/01/2022 00:26

I’m not saying YABU, however with birthdays 3 weeks apart I would be careful that there isn’t an obvious disparity to the DC in the amount of money being spent. It could easily cause resentment later on.

Iwonder08 · 04/01/2022 04:01

Yet again people go on and on about so called disparity between presents for SC.. Happens in every thread. DSC will have presents from their dad and their mum and her extended family. So quite often twice as much if not more. OP's DH shouldn't buy his 10yo this very expensive present that he can't afford and everyone would shout 10yo should be explained it is too much/too expensive unless of course he is DSC. OP's husband displays the typical symptoms of guilt/dysney dad on the expense of OP.

Anystarinthesky · 04/01/2022 04:17

I give DP's children £50 each from me for their birthdays, they are older than your Dss though.

I've never been asked to contribute to DP's presents.

candlelightsatdawn · 04/01/2022 05:31

@Nanny0gg Bottom line is that DSS will feel he has been treated differently.

What most people don't realise is the SC will realise he gets treated differently but not in negative way as he will know he gets literally double the presents and see DH Disney dadding in other areas. OPs partner literally wants to spend more money on SC present £450 and £80 on other child. This is not balanced !! My SC loves Christmas because she knows she literally gets more presents than anyone in the family set.

Stop the hand wringing, if a child feels like this you communicate with them not leave them in the dark. *

OP do you not think it is worth talking to your DP to get finances on a more even keel? I get why you don't share but on the other hand, because he doesn't plan, you are not working as a family unit*

Because he doesn't plan your not working as a family unit ?!? Are you joking ? Why is a fault with a man and his ability to financially plan for his child's birthday some how OP not working as a family unit ...

DP is not working as a family unit*

** fixed it for you.

A Women sole purpose in life is not to act as rehabilitation centre for the men in their lives.

workingtheusername · 04/01/2022 06:25

Is he paying half of ds birthday costs or are you paying on your own? Personally I would spend equal on each child and both put in half for both children. If oh can't afford his share you could lend it to him if he's reliable at paying back?

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 06:30

He can ask his child's actual mother to go halves?

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 06:31

Ah see she won't. Then tough. You are not a bank and he'll have to choose something else.

Nomoredisneyplease · 04/01/2022 07:31

Don’t. He’s the father and it’s not your responsibility to prop him up as he can’t be bothered to save. Keeping finances separate with a blended family is always a safe way to ensure you protect your children. It’s still a family- but it means you are independent if things turn south. (I’m just a planner and always make sure that whatever happens, I don’t need to rely on anyone). I would contribute £40 towards DSC present and no more. I do think you need to sit down with DH have have a real conversation about your family finances and expectations regarding DSC. x

Hotyogahotchoc · 04/01/2022 07:33

@Bouncer500 but it's does t sound like DH if contributing to OP's DS present

It sounds like a one way thing

OP

I think this is one of those times where to him if magically becomes "family money" rather than money I have saved when he hasn't. He thinks we shouldn't spend X on one if we can't afford to spend it on the other too.

Your set up sounds a bit like ours. I have a young DS and an older DSS. We share bills but otherwise have separate finances. I often contribute or buy gifts for my DH's family or my DSS but I buy DS everything he needs. Come to thing of it I'm not sure DH contributed to any of our DS Christmas presents but I had bought quite a few things so he didn't need anything else.

It is DSS birthday soon and I was thinking of contributing half towards his gift (half us around £100) but recalling that I also spent money on DSS for Christmas and DH didn't contribute to DS gifts I now thinking I will not bother.

I also have savings that DH does not contribute to but considers shared. I generally earn more plus DH pays CMS but I am on mat leave on statutory pay and don't have much money spare.

rookiemere · 04/01/2022 07:39

It is normal as DCs get older for the presents to cost more ( new pieces of tech, bicycles etc.) and for parties to cost less. So I don't think it's awful that DSS wants an expensive present.

However his DF should have thought about how he would fund it before promising it to his DS. Going forward DF needs to start a regular saving fund so his DSs January birthday doesn't come as a complete surprise to him.
In the short term, I don't think you should fund DSs present, but if you don't it's going to be very awkward. Could you make your DH set up a payment to your account until the amount is paid off and then going forward he directs that into monthly savings ?

Clutterbusting · 04/01/2022 07:50

My dh and ex don’t pay jointly either but the sc still has double the gifts so it works out. Otherwise my dc would be getting less because their parents are together than their sibling who’d get double. Sibling already gets loads because she has way more family. Her DF family her DM family and my family.

Clutterbusting · 04/01/2022 07:52

Basically you and DH or just DH should be spending what you would have if it had been halves with the DM.

SmallElephant · 04/01/2022 07:52

@PyongyangKipperbang

His maths is screwy in the extreme!

DS birthday budget £450

£80 from DH
£370 from OP

DSS birthday budget £450

£225 from DH
£225 from OP

So he pays £305 and the OP pays £595

On what planet can anyone justify that?!
He is happy to have seperate finances when he can spunk it on whatever he likes, but suddenly wants "family money" when his money runs out and he wants to take advantage of the OP's savings!

Jog. On.

This!
ZenNudist · 04/01/2022 07:55

That's shell of a lot of money for a present. No you shouldn't pay!

Gufo · 04/01/2022 07:59

You have two children, so surely you'd spend the same on each of them out of family money? It shouldn't matter if one is a stepson or not - maybe it would be simpler if you just combined finances and treated them the same?

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 08:11

@Gufo

You have two children, so surely you'd spend the same on each of them out of family money? It shouldn't matter if one is a stepson or not - maybe it would be simpler if you just combined finances and treated them the same?
Nope. OP has her child. DH had two children. They don't need another adult paying for them if mum is in the picture too.

It would not be simpler for all OP's money to go towards both kids. It will lead to resentment.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 08:24

@Gufo

You have two children, so surely you'd spend the same on each of them out of family money? It shouldn't matter if one is a stepson or not - maybe it would be simpler if you just combined finances and treated them the same?
I've explained why it's not better to combine finances.

Part of my issue is that he does this sort of thing every year. Not being unable to afford it, but leave it until the last minute to sort out. It's the same with Christmas presents. He doesn't think about them until just before and then panics trying to think what he can get in time ect.. I've given up trying to sort it for him. He's disorganised.

My son is having more spent "on him" because he's having a party and DSS isn't (that I know about). Are you suggesting we should just give DSS whatever we spend on DS's party because he didn't want one?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 04/01/2022 08:25

No.i would not pay towards it. Because its u fair. Step son gets 3 parents to come tribut. Your child gets 2?! Him and the boys mother pay, not you. When itsyour child, you and your partner pay.

flippertyop · 04/01/2022 08:44

Quite often on here I think the Step Mums can be a bit out of order with how they treat their SC with things like this. On this occasion though I don't think you are. The fact that you have separate finances means that he is responsible for buying his sons present and as others have said he for something that expensive he should be arranging to go halves with the child's mother. If it was a lower cost item I would probably suck it up but this is ridiculous. If you pay it, it will be the same next year. I don't think a party counts as a present tbh and you are paying for it anyway.

candlelightsatdawn · 04/01/2022 08:44

I have to say OP has this situation been reversed, people would be saying that your DC wouldn't notice and they are young (no matter the age) and would have to lump it.

It's because there's a SC involved and people get overly funny about fairness but only in one way.

You don't have to justify your finances to anyone. Personally I think it's dammed smart, you can lead a horse to water ect