Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
Pearlpink · 04/01/2022 09:54

As a person with two sons who have a stepmother I would never expect her to contribute to my kids presents.

Don't do it OP. This isn't a one off it's a pattern stick to your guns.

Armychefbethebest · 04/01/2022 09:57

Me and my partner sort our own kids birthdays there are 6 of them ranging from 12 to 23 but we do spit Xmas and put x amount each month away so we have a pot so to speak . This is a result of your partners poor admin he should have spoke to his mum and gone halves that way I'd stuck to your guns on this one and if you would usually put in 30 to 40 I'd do that and get something from his brother with it . I hope your partner is spending equal amounts on both kids though...... maybe time to discuss a birthday and Christmas pot.

babouchette · 04/01/2022 09:59

£450 is a ridiculous amount to spend on a 10-year-old in my opinion. I would not be contributing 50% of that cost if I were you and I think you are well within your rights to refuse.

If your DH is insistent on getting that item for his DS he can either (a) find a way to finance it himself or (b) go halves with the boy's mother. It is probably going to make your DH very disgruntled but tough shit. Perhaps next year he'll put some money aside in advance.

coodawoodashooda · 04/01/2022 10:01

@HappyGuppy

Does he have a valid reason for not saving? Or is he sorry that he hasn't?

Not really. I earn slightly more than him but very slightly. He prefers to spend whereas I prefer to save 🤷‍♀️

He's also rubbish with organising things in good time. As a PP says, he panic buys at the last minute and does it every year so I've lost sympathy.

I used to remind him all the time for things like SS's birthday but I don't now because he never learns. It has meant that DSS has ended up with some crappier or rush presents some years.

I have an xh where every family birthday took him completely by surprise. Every fkn year.
NYnewstart · 04/01/2022 10:02

I would worry more about how the children will feel growing up and being treated differently.

Focus on working out the fairness here.

coodawoodashooda · 04/01/2022 10:05

@babouchette

£450 is a ridiculous amount to spend on a 10-year-old in my opinion. I would not be contributing 50% of that cost if I were you and I think you are well within your rights to refuse.

If your DH is insistent on getting that item for his DS he can either (a) find a way to finance it himself or (b) go halves with the boy's mother. It is probably going to make your DH very disgruntled but tough shit. Perhaps next year he'll put some money aside in advance.

Yeah. I think that too.
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 10:06

@NYnewstart

I would worry more about how the children will feel growing up and being treated differently.

Focus on working out the fairness here.

I can't make it completely fair. Whatever I do they will be treated differently because they are different in the sense they have different parents.

My step son has his mother and father to buy him presents, my son has me and his Dad to buy his. That to me is fair.

OP posts:
OhChrismtasTree · 04/01/2022 10:15

Being fair doesn't mean being the same!

What's fair is both children having two parents sorting their birthdays.

If you're going to be "fair" I'd be billing him for the rest of the half of your DSs birthday over the £80 he's given, then talk about contributing to the SSs birthday!

You're not your SSs parent, it's his parents job to sort birthdays and presents.

Busybee5000 · 04/01/2022 10:19

I’d be looking at whether the £450 present was reasonable and within what you’d usually spend. Not who pays for it. However, it seems remarkable unfair that your joint son gets a party and gifts and the SS can’t even have the gift he wants (assuming you can afford it). You say the SS doesn’t want a party, I get that, but equally he could and should have the same amount of money spent in other ways.

tootiredtospeak · 04/01/2022 10:28

This is my honest take my DS is 21 soon and I want to buy him a personalised number plate about 450. My DP isnt his dad but we have lived together since he was 6. We have two other kids together. He earns double my wage but we are a family and all money spent is discussed an agreed. Their is no my kid your kid scenario and if there was for me that would build a lot of resentment. Their is big birthdays and small birthdays after this one my son will probably have a smaller amount spent on him every year and the kids always have more as they are younger but will follow the same trend. Your post reads like I am happy to spend money that I have saved on my son even though its OTT on my husbands son I am not. Unless there is a backstory like he is horrible to you or your child then I think you are unreasonable and it will built resentment in your marriage.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 10:30

@tootiredtospeak

This is my honest take my DS is 21 soon and I want to buy him a personalised number plate about 450. My DP isnt his dad but we have lived together since he was 6. We have two other kids together. He earns double my wage but we are a family and all money spent is discussed an agreed. Their is no my kid your kid scenario and if there was for me that would build a lot of resentment. Their is big birthdays and small birthdays after this one my son will probably have a smaller amount spent on him every year and the kids always have more as they are younger but will follow the same trend. Your post reads like I am happy to spend money that I have saved on my son even though its OTT on my husbands son I am not. Unless there is a backstory like he is horrible to you or your child then I think you are unreasonable and it will built resentment in your marriage.
It's always the people who have the other child, who think it isn't reasonable for their partner's not to spend their money on them.
tootiredtospeak · 04/01/2022 10:32

Also all those saying you shouldn't have to pay for your DH shit planning with money should be telling you not to take that out on a child. Be grown up and address it with him seperate to this issue. I am not saying a 10yr old should have 450 spent on them that's debatable but I would pay if you can afford it and then sit your DH down and say from now on you both agree weeks or months in advance a budget for both childrens birthdays contribute half each and stick to it. If then after plenty of fore warning he doesnt come up with anything for your joint childs Birthday then you have every right to be pissed but take it out on your DH not your stepson be the bigger person there.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 10:34

@NYnewstart

I would worry more about how the children will feel growing up and being treated differently.

Focus on working out the fairness here.

I agree, the children will be fine being treated differently if it is explained to them.

The fairness that needs working on is DH's contribution towards his shared DC with OP imo. It's not fair of DH to think a £450 present for one DC is fine but only contribute £80 (I think you said was) to shared DC.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 10:35

@tootiredtospeak

Also all those saying you shouldn't have to pay for your DH shit planning with money should be telling you not to take that out on a child. Be grown up and address it with him seperate to this issue. I am not saying a 10yr old should have 450 spent on them that's debatable but I would pay if you can afford it and then sit your DH down and say from now on you both agree weeks or months in advance a budget for both childrens birthdays contribute half each and stick to it. If then after plenty of fore warning he doesnt come up with anything for your joint childs Birthday then you have every right to be pissed but take it out on your DH not your stepson be the bigger person there.
Just no, no and no. She does NOT have to do any of this, nor should she. Especially continuing to contribute the half she shouldn't have to pay for her SSs presents even after his dad fails to pay for their joint child. The mind boggles.
Notwithittoday · 04/01/2022 10:35

@Benjaminsniddlegrass what are you on about? Her DH should spend his money evenly split between his children. So if he has £200 and four kids, they get £50 each. A stepmother who has £200 does not need to spend equal parts of it on her dc and stepchildren if those children are going to another home and getting gifted there.

Hotyogahotchoc · 04/01/2022 10:36

@Gufo

You have two children, so surely you'd spend the same on each of them out of family money? It shouldn't matter if one is a stepson or not - maybe it would be simpler if you just combined finances and treated them the same?
But then the step child would always get more a they have a mother too
tootiredtospeak · 04/01/2022 10:37

A sofa near you....bullshit. I also have step daughter who is 30 now and who when she was a child was given all birthday presents solely by me as her dad was a waste of space hence he is an ex. He never bought her a thing I did and never begrudged it. People tend to speak from experience.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 10:40

@tootiredtospeak

Also all those saying you shouldn't have to pay for your DH shit planning with money should be telling you not to take that out on a child. Be grown up and address it with him seperate to this issue. I am not saying a 10yr old should have 450 spent on them that's debatable but I would pay if you can afford it and then sit your DH down and say from now on you both agree weeks or months in advance a budget for both childrens birthdays contribute half each and stick to it. If then after plenty of fore warning he doesnt come up with anything for your joint childs Birthday then you have every right to be pissed but take it out on your DH not your stepson be the bigger person there.
It's not taking it out on the DSS They haven't got this £450 item so they won't miss it.
Ozanj · 04/01/2022 10:41

Seems like he wants all the benefits of saving without saving himself. Just say no. Your DS shouldn’t have to suffer just because of your DH’s poor planning - and if his DSS does then that’s on your DH and his ex. If they can’t behave maturely enough to go halves on a present then that isn’t your problem.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 10:42

Every £1 spent on DSS is a £1 taken from DC. If you look at it that way it isn't fair to do that to DC. Especially if dad isn't pulling his weight.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 04/01/2022 10:42

Shit sticks my ds is 18 soon and I won't be spending 450 friggin quid!!

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 10:43

If they can’t behave maturely enough to go halves on a present then that isn’t your problem. I agree. DSC has the parents they have. It's not for OP to try and fill in any gaps in their parenting.

tootiredtospeak · 04/01/2022 10:45

You can repeat No as many times as you like it's just your opinion. Like mine is my opinion. It doesnt make any difference what the other parent spends the child has 2 families and 2 houses through no choice of their own. That part is separate. It all depends on circumstances financial and otherwise. If you took both kids on holiday and the DH didnt have the money to eat a meal together as a family would you insist he went somewhere cheaper with his child and spent less money. It's the divisiveness of it and if you can't see that then I dont understand your point of view.

funinthesun19 · 04/01/2022 10:48

yes I also think the father should contribute more but that doesn’t really have much to do with the 10 yo. All the 10 year old will see is that his brother is getting much more and probably isn’t aware of who pays for what.
Iv been that child, it’s really shit.

So that’s it then? Dad can’t/won’t save so hey fuck it, stepmum can do it instead?
He hasn’t even paid anything or has paid very little for his youngest child’s birthday, so I’m really struggling with this sentiment that the op literally owes DSS. She doesn’t.

The father can use his money he’s got to buy something cheaper and pay for his 10 year old to have a fun trip out. Or go halves with the child’s mum for the big expensive item he is so desperate for his child to have. Still doesn’t erase how very little he will have done for his youngest but I know that’s a fact some people will love to ignore.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 10:48

If you took both kids on holiday and the DH didnt have the money to eat a meal together as a family would you insist he went somewhere cheaper with his child and spent less money. It's the divisiveness of it and if you can't see that then I dont understand your point of view.

This isn't a meal out all together though. And in that situation if we split finances strictly then I would cover it and he could pay me back. But I'd expect him to save so he can cover his own kids food in the first place.