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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 03/01/2022 22:58

Forget everything else. He is not your son and you don't need to/have to contribute. It is very bad your DH even considered asking you. It is even worse he is not contributing to your/his son's bday

candlelightsatdawn · 03/01/2022 22:59

@wtfisthatspiderdoing So unless she's going to sit down and explain to both children that daddy spends the same on both of them, it just seems like their joint son gets more because she spends that money, then the children just see that daddy has two sons who get treated differently.

She couldn't sit the children down and say that because it would be a lie. DH doesn't spend the same on the kids, he want to spend more on SC.

If I was in her shoes I would make it really clear that I covered the entire costs for DC and that DH didn't contribute because he's a bit poor at the moment (or whatever is kindest) but he's gonna speak to mummy and see what can be done.

Don't need to pussyfoot around the truth, just be honest with the children. I say this as someone who pays for her SC v expensive hobby just because I can, rather than having to do it because her dad or mum can't.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2022 23:09

Everything @candlelightsatdawn said. He is having a fucking chuckle.

OP, say no. Say no no no. Put your foot down hard and FGS stop funding your shared child by yourself. How’s that become a thing? It’s bullshit.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 23:10

Sorry to clarify DH is contributing to DS's birthday. But it's not half and I haven't asked him for exactly half. Id say he's contributed about £80!

I'm not actually bothered about that UNTIL he then started with stuff like this.

I do technically have the money "spare" as I have savings but I never touch them unless absolutely necessary. Things like DS's birthday I save for separately from my normal savings. I don't see this as a good enough reason to break into my other savings which I purposefully try hard never to do unless needed.

OP posts:
Clutterbusting · 03/01/2022 23:14

I just don’t get this. I have a dsc. my dh and I pay together for our children presents. We then pay together half the amount for dsc presents. Why half? Because she has 2 parents and so do our children. Her DM is the other half of the present giving for her.

coodawoodashooda · 03/01/2022 23:15

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

So the person who never saves now wants to have the benefits of saving for his son. I'm not that sympathetic. Plus asking for something really expensive with only a few weeks' notice is not great on his son's part.

That said, how much are you spending on your joint son's birthday stuff? Is it in the £450 ballpark?

Definitely don't give away your savings.
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 23:20

@Clutterbusting

I just don’t get this. I have a dsc. my dh and I pay together for our children presents. We then pay together half the amount for dsc presents. Why half? Because she has 2 parents and so do our children. Her DM is the other half of the present giving for her.
They've never paid jointly for presents. Imo DSS gets an insane amount spent on him because both parents buy completely separately for birthdays / Christmas. He basically gets double because his parents never do anything jointly.
OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 03/01/2022 23:21

The only way I would give it, is if your DH agreed to set up savings going forward.

timeisnotaline · 03/01/2022 23:25

Savings are not spare money. That’s a key difference between people who have savings and people who don’t.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 23:28

@Bouncer500

I could not be bothered being in a relationship where my partner was hoarding hundreds of pounds for their own child's birthday and offering £30 towards my child's birthday and acting like spending an equal amount in my child was unreasonable. It may not be that big a deal but says everything about what sort of a person they are and how they value me and my child. They would not be worth the time or energy.
I think the word you're looking for is "saving" not hoarding.

I couldn't be bothered bailing you out if you couldn't be arsed saving for your own childs expensive birthday present tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 23:28

@timeisnotaline

Savings are not spare money. That’s a key difference between people who have savings and people who don’t.
I agree. This is how I see it. It's not money that's just available because he hasn't saved.
OP posts:
user1471519931 · 03/01/2022 23:30

Can you look on eBay to get it cheaper?

SeasonFinale · 03/01/2022 23:30

I think there is nothing wrong with DH explaining to his DS (your DSS) that what he wants costs £450 and is therefore too expensive. Surely that would be the sensible course of action even if he were staring the cost with his ex!

SeasonFinale · 03/01/2022 23:30

*sharing

KimmyKimdoo · 03/01/2022 23:34

Work out what you’re spending on your DC. Halve it, that’s where I’d spend on the Step DC (because he has his mum too buying for him).

Work out the total cost of half of DC’s birthday present + Step DC’s present and share that 50-50 with your partner.

Any party for DC is separate cost and could be funded by you if you want to do that as an extra.

KimmyKimdoo · 03/01/2022 23:36

Plus if the money you’re giving step DC is less than the cost of his big wish present, just get him a voucher towards it and get DH to tell his Mum she can pay towards it f she wants too.

KimmyKimdoo · 03/01/2022 23:38

Sorry my first post was a bit unclear:

For presents only:

You pay 50% of DC and 50% of Step DC. Your partner does the same. Step DC gets 50% of present budget of DC because you’re only buying one parents’ worth and he’ll get stuff from mum’s side.

Party is separate.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/01/2022 23:42

His maths is screwy in the extreme!

DS birthday budget £450

£80 from DH
£370 from OP

DSS birthday budget £450

£225 from DH
£225 from OP

So he pays £305 and the OP pays £595

On what planet can anyone justify that?!
He is happy to have seperate finances when he can spunk it on whatever he likes, but suddenly wants "family money" when his money runs out and he wants to take advantage of the OP's savings!

Jog. On.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 03/01/2022 23:46

@timeisnotaline

Sure dh. Since we are splitting costs we really should start with the child we are both parents to so can you please transfer half ds’s birthday costs to my account. Then I can transfer it back for dss…. You see how I’m actually subsiding you parenting dss all the time by finding our child together?

Really, this is so entitled of him. If he cared enough he’d save. It would be a real problem for me as not being on the same page financially is a huge relationship issue.

This

So essentially you're paying for both children and only one of them is yours.

Nope.

I assume your step son also has a mother. They should be talking about sorting out his expensive present; you're out.

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2022 23:47

Bottom line is that DSS will feel he has been treated differently.

OP do you not think it is worth talking to your DP to get finances on a more even keel? I get why you don't share but on the other hand, because he doesn't plan, you are not working as a family unit

KimmyKimdoo · 03/01/2022 23:48

Ye exactly!! If DH has given £80 for DC, I’d match that and spend £160 total on presents for DC. Not including party if wanted.

Then for step DC, OP gives DH £40 and he matches it and gives £80 total for his birthday towards whatever he wants. I would probably offer him a little party too if he wanted one.

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 23:50

I wouldn’t be giving him any money

funinthesun19 · 03/01/2022 23:54

I couldn't be bothered bailing you out if you couldn't be arsed saving for your own childs expensive birthday present tbh.

Well said OP Star

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 03/01/2022 23:59

Sorry I don't get your approach, I have one DC (with my DH) and 3 DSC (DH's DC). Our birthday budget is pretty much the same for all 4, depending on need may vary but your approach just seems to be destined to create disharmony between siblings as they grow up. I think it's really sad they you spend £400 odd on your child but £30-40 on your DSS.

Tulips21 · 04/01/2022 00:01

Your Dh is being v.u.
10 yr olds dont need £450 birthday gift.
I would maybe contribute your usual amount and thats it!