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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 03/01/2022 21:51

@Bouncer500
The op is not hoarding money. She is saving money
She says her dh could save too but doesn’t.

funinthesun19 · 03/01/2022 21:53

Bouncer500
Wow. The father wants to spend hundreds on ONE of his children. I bet he’s not saved a damn penny for his child with OP.

1moretry · 03/01/2022 21:53

I'd give the usual amount regardless of what you spend on ds.

HermioneWeasley · 03/01/2022 21:56

So what’s he contributing to your shared son’s birthday party and present? Or are you funding all of that?

Is he seriously saying that because he’s shit with money he wants to contribute nothing to one child’s birthday, and use the money you have saved to fund his other child, who he had also failed to provide a present for?

Wow, OP, he had better be amazing in bed. Or something. He sounds awful.

Newyearfamilytrouble · 03/01/2022 22:03

Yes I think yabu, I actually hate the fact people treat children differently. You married and man who already had a child yet don’t treat them as family. Your son had a brother who is treated second class to your son. What will that show your son whilst he is growing up?
I have step children, they drive me mad some days (as do my own) and sometimes I do ask myself why do I try and be equal so much at the disadvantage to my own dc, however, I’m teaching my children that everyone is equal and that we are a family and that we share.
Some people will always be less fortunate than others but when any child comes through your door, they are all treated equally and feel loved and wanted not less special than their siblings or step siblings that they share their life with.
He didn’t choose for you to marry his dad or have a brother, that’s was your choice

wtfisthatspiderdoing · 03/01/2022 22:05

From the perspective of the children, which at only 10 the DSS will definitely notice , that from his view his dad has two children, one who gets a lot more than him from his dad. I assume you're gifts from for your joint son are from mum and dad , and as you usually contribute to the gift for DSS I assume the label says from dad and HappyGuppy. So unless you and DH send separate gifts the DSS just understands that his younger brother gets more than him from his dad.

GrazingSheep · 03/01/2022 22:07

I’m teaching my children that everyone is equal and that we are a family and that we share.
That’s lovely
And I’m you agree that should apply to the father in this case too. He’s happy to spend £450 on his older son and nothing on his younger son.

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/01/2022 22:07

I always think it's really weird for 'families' to have 'his' and 'her' money and not 'our' money.

Surely a family should pool their resources snd children should created equally?

Iloveacurry · 03/01/2022 22:09

£450 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on 1 gift for a child for their birthday! Imagine if the mother spends that amount as well.

GrazingSheep · 03/01/2022 22:10

@ MajorCarolDanvers
I’d agree except in cases where one party is less fiscally responsible than the other and prone to not saving and expecting the other party to bail them out

Notwithittoday · 03/01/2022 22:11

Nope. Nope. Parties don’t really count as a birthday gift. You’re paying for food and another people. It mounts up and can’t be compared to dropping hundred of pounds on actual presents.
Your stepson has two parents that can pay. You are already paying for his gift in a sense because your husband is not paying towards your dc’s birthday. Ridiculous. Wouldn’t fly in our house

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 03/01/2022 22:12

Why isn't he going halves on the gift with his sons mother?

WannaBeCatLady · 03/01/2022 22:15

What are his contributions towards your housing, living and life costs?

Does he pay the majority of the bills, do the food shop and take you all out on the weekends? Do you save your money whilst he spends his on all of you? If so YABU

If it's more like 50/50 and you're a saver and he's a spender then tough shit on him. He needs to ask his sons dm to go 50/50 on the present and ypu put in your normal contribution towards his side.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 03/01/2022 22:16

If he is not paying half for DS stuff, he shouldn’t be asking you to pay half of DSS stuff either. He can’t have it both ways.

Tell him exactly what Blendiful said.

funinthesun19 · 03/01/2022 22:18

Yes I think yabu, I actually hate the fact people treat children differently.

What do you have to say about the child’s father then?

Lindy2 · 03/01/2022 22:18

£450 is a massive amount to spend on a birthday present IMO. If it's not affordable then he needs to tell his DS that the gift he's chosen is too expensive and to pick something within the normal budget.

PostingForTheFirstTime · 03/01/2022 22:32

"he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it"

No, no, no, no, no, no!

If this child has an expensive hobby, his parents should be funding it. His mum and his dad. If they can't, then they should accept that they can't provide this level of support.

Do not cave! Otherwise it will be established that DSS's parents have the right to raid your savings for their child's needs.

If you had the money to spare, and not deprive your child of something you want for him, I'd say do it (I have in the past). But since that isn't the case, your DH is way out of line in expecting you to pay out for his child.

Remember that DSS has two parents, and they should be looking out for their shared progeny and not relying on you. Your child has two parents too - one of whom seems to be failing in the birthday provisioning for both of his kids, and expecting you to skimp on your child to provide for his.

Above all - do not set a precedent of paying (DH's) half of whatever DSS needs; at 10, you're looking at school trips, club memberships, expensive hockey boots (or whatever).... SM ain't gonna be chipping in when your DSS needs and your DH sounds like his first priority is his firstborn.

Newyearfamilytrouble · 03/01/2022 22:33

@GrazingSheep @funinthesun19 yes I also think the father should contribute more but that doesn’t really have much to do with the 10 yo. All the 10 year old will see is that his brother is getting much more and probably isn’t aware of who pays for what.
Iv been that child, it’s really shit.

Viviennemary · 03/01/2022 22:39

Thst is far far too much to spend regardless of who is paying for it. I wouldn't d be happy with the financial set up you have. Seems all wrong.

PostingForTheFirstTime · 03/01/2022 22:41

"You married and man who already had a child yet don’t treat them as family. Your son had a brother who is treated second class to your son"

There is no evidence she doesn't treat her DSS like family.

If anyone is being treated as second class it is the OP's son - by his dad.

PostingForTheFirstTime · 03/01/2022 22:45

"From the perspective of the children, which at only 10 the DSS will definitely notice , that from his view his dad has two children, one who gets a lot more than him from his dad."

The gifts and parties the younger brother receives are actually from the younger child's mum. Is the OP here to be prohibited from having a good relationship with her son, just to protect the older child from the realisation that his dad is not stellar?

OP is allowed to enjoy life with her child.

Just10moreminutesplease · 03/01/2022 22:46

You shouldn’t have to make up for your husband’s poor planning (especially since he isn’t contributing to your shared son’s birthday Confused). But this is one of the reasons blended families are so tough.

The children are unlikely to fully understand your financial arrangements. They will just see that one child gets x spent on them whilst the other child gets less. It might not be your responsibility, but both children could be hurt as a result of being treated differently within their family.

My older step siblings are still a bit resentful about some minor differences in support we were given (my dad and stepmum are generally very fair but their financial situation was much better when I went to university compared to when they left home). We have a good relationship… but the resentment stings.

wtfisthatspiderdoing · 03/01/2022 22:52

@PostingForTheFirstTime no one is saying the op can't have a good relationship with her son, but she married her DH Boeing that he had a son and she chose to take that on. And with that come being the grown up and putting the feelings of the children first. So unless she's going to sit down and explain to both children that daddy spends the same on both of them, it just seems like their joint son gets more because she spends that money, then the children just see that daddy has two sons who get treated differently.

candlelightsatdawn · 03/01/2022 22:53

All the people scandalised by OP keeping her finances separate should be more horrified by the fact that DH thinks it's ok to guilt SM into paying 50/50 for one child and 0 for his other one. His guilt has 0 to do with her

All those people saying oh it's ok to do that because it's a SC on receiving end of £450 need to stop wringing hands, apologising or trying to guilt op into doing something she's not morally or otherwise have to do.

SC has two parents who jointly chose to have a child together so can jointly decide to shell out £450 on a present if they want to.

Step parents aren't here to pick up the slack for parents who can't save for a event that happens on the same date every year.

There's a reason their finances are separate doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Stop faux acting shocked.

Op sounds smart to keep the finances separate.

I say this as a step child.

notagain2021 · 03/01/2022 22:57

@Bouncer500

Your argument is both illogical and unpleasant

You seem utterly ghastly