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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
tiredofthisshit21 · 04/01/2022 15:23

Great post @sassbott. I would never blend our finances for all the reasons you have stated and I stick by that. I've been told we're not truly a partnership or we're not 'truly blended.' I don't give a shiny shit!

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 15:26

@tiredofthisshit21

Great post *@sassbott*. I would never blend our finances for all the reasons you have stated and I stick by that. I've been told we're not truly a partnership or we're not 'truly blended.' I don't give a shiny shit!
Who wants to be so fully blended and intermeshed like that anyway sounds so suffocating to always be earning and having part of it earmarked for someone else's kids.
tiredofthisshit21 · 04/01/2022 15:29

Absolutely @KiloWhat. I don't buy into the all things equal bullshit at all. My daughter stands to inherit a large amount from grandparents....stepkids won't. We have no joint kids. I'm not about to take some of her inheritance from her for the sake of equality.

Heartofglass12345 · 04/01/2022 15:39

This is why I dont think I could be with someone who already has children. He's basically getting double the amount of presents at Christmas and birthdays because his parents won't talk to each other and compromise.
They should be going halves on this not you, he's not your child! He should be spending half on his other child and half on your shared child. I wouldn't contribute if I were you.
If he can't speak to his ex about getting a joint present then he needs to tell him it's too expensive and he can't afford it.

How does he know that his son hasn't asked his mum for the same thing?!

LittleMysSister · 04/01/2022 15:44

@tiredofthisshit21

Great post *@sassbott*. I would never blend our finances for all the reasons you have stated and I stick by that. I've been told we're not truly a partnership or we're not 'truly blended.' I don't give a shiny shit!
The key thing as well is that the 'blending' only ever seems to work one way, always to the benefit of the parent.

You can't have a truly equal partnership where some key aspects are controlled by only one of you - ie, you both contribute to gifts but only the parent dictates what is spent and what the gifts are.

Unless both partners are willing act exactly as if there is no 'step' situation, then being completely joint when it comes to finances is just a recipe to disaster.

sassbott · 04/01/2022 15:52

@tiredofthisshit21 I too could not give a shiny shit. Towards the end of my relationship, I would get comments along the lines of ‘all you care about is money, you’re not normal, partners support each other’…etc.

Yes. I do care about money. For my retirement. For a rainy day/ emergency (because last time I looked there’s no money tree in the back garden growing fifty pound notes for me). I also would like to try and help MY children in some capacity as young adults (flat deposit). That’s a stretch but If I can, I will. This last one by the way was also met with incredulity from my exp. Why would I prioritise young adult DC over a partner?
When I responded with the fact that he had thus far asserted that he was free to prioritise his money on his DC, on what basis was he now telling me I couldn’t do the same? He couldn’t answer me. Of course he couldn’t, it’s nothing short of pure hypocrisy.

The ONLY people with any financial responsibility towards a child are the child’s parents. Anyone else who chooses to contribute does so out of choice. If those people are step parents, good for them. But no one else should be judged (or expected) for prioritising their own financial welfare or that of his children.

If this OP spends her savings on a child’s present, what happens if she finds herself struggling? (With a partner who clearly is already financially irresponsible to some degree). I’d actually argue she would be highly irresponsible to spend savings on something so frivolous. Sorry but an expensive gift for a hobby is not close to being a necessity.

tiredofthisshit21 · 04/01/2022 16:10

You're a woman after my own heart @sassbott. I had an 'interesting' conversation around a year ago with my DH around wills.....I owned my house before he moved in and had a huge chunk of equity in it, funded by me. He somehow thought that our wills would be split so that the three kids inherited equally 3 ways. Errrrrrm no way mate. Only one of those kids is mine - think again.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 04/01/2022 16:15

Surely the crack arsed rule is sm don't count when it comes to rules and raising but their wages should used for Cms and for dsc...
Start getting 50%off dh for your joint dc and remind dh his ds has 2 parents and you aren't 1 of them.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 16:19

@tiredofthisshit21

You're a woman after my own heart *@sassbott*. I had an 'interesting' conversation around a year ago with my DH around wills.....I owned my house before he moved in and had a huge chunk of equity in it, funded by me. He somehow thought that our wills would be split so that the three kids inherited equally 3 ways. Errrrrrm no way mate. Only one of those kids is mine - think again.
I had similar and had to draw a diagram! It was basically a family tree.
sassbott · 04/01/2022 16:40

@tiredofthisshit21 I pre-empted all those convos pre co-habitting/ marriage / any form of links. His response was exactly why none of them then happened.

He thought I didn’t understand the true nature of partnership.
I thought he was a wannabe cocklodger seeking to sponge off me into his retirement. While he spent his money on his children/ his relatively expensive hobbies as he pleased, and as far as I am concerned, I was right.

Some call it incompatibility and maybe I don’t get ‘family.’ I think I get it just fine. Threads like this so get my back up. Especially with the ‘pooor stepchildren not being treated equally.’

Why is that the step parents issue to resolve? Entitlement in its absolute extreme.

FinallyHere · 04/01/2022 16:43

What I'm spending on DS would be in that sort of range

What does DH plan to spend on your joint DS ? It sounds as if you finance the presents for your joint DS and he pays for his DS.

Is that correct?

Why would he expect you to also to contribute to his DS's present ? Why doesn't he ask his DS's mother to contribute rather than you?

What will he contribute to your joint DS's present ?

Merging families when the DC are younger is just so difficult. I think you are right to share bills but otherwise keep your finances separate. He doesn't sound fair to me

tiredofthisshit21 · 04/01/2022 16:45

Wise move....thankfully my husband took my points on board. Not sure he liked my view but he could see why I held it. He either accepts it or he moves on - simple!

sassbott · 04/01/2022 16:49

There was even one convo when I took my kids on a pretty great trip. His first response? ‘my kids will be jealous they didn’t get to go.’ I simply looked at him and replied ‘last time I looked, I don’t have a monopoly on going to x location, you can take yours there too. And if you think your kids will be jealous, don’t tell them. We won’t.’

The reason I’m sharing these examples is because these issues don’t come up in just ‘blended’ situations. I lived apart from him, zero blending, my finances were mine, his were his. But there was still an inate entitlement in him. He knew I had money ‘spare’ (as the OP’s DH puts it) and he fully expected me to use said ‘spare’ money to extend the trip to his children too. Even without us blending, he felt that differential between how his children and my children were treated.

Honestly? I think a lot of these sorts of situations would be there because of entitlement. Plenty of SP’s in these situations don’t encounter these issues and their partners are fully boundaried. It simply comes down to some parents having hugely misplaced entitlement issues IMO.

tiredofthisshit21 · 04/01/2022 16:53

@sassbott I've had similar as my daughter has been lucky enough to travel all over the world, with me and her dad when we were together, and then separately with both parents after we had split. I've had comments that he's sad his kids haven't had the same experience. Cool - be sad. Or do something about it. But it ain't my problem. (Currently looking forward to a 5 star break in the Canaries just us girls....I don't let his comments stop us!)

Cherrytart23 · 04/01/2022 16:54

Given that dss wants something expensive why doesn't dh speak to dss mum and ask her to go halves and the present is just off both of them. Me and my ex have done this plenty of times with more expensive it was a ps5 and games this year ds understands the reason we go halves.

Blendiful · 04/01/2022 17:07

If the OPs partner/kids dad was paying half for his DS I wouldn’t have such a problem with him
Asking for half for DSS but he isn’t. He’s happy to
Contribute only £80 for DS so if that was half that’s £160 which is nowhere near the £450 his son wants. If he’s only paying £80 he can’t expect OP to pay £250 and they are both his kids!! They aren’t both hers and despite how much people say you knew they had kids yeah, but they still have 2 parents so people don’t assume they are taking on half of everything as a step parent as some do and some dont. I would say to him you are happy to contribute half but he must contribute half to DS which will defeat the point anyway!

Beamur · 04/01/2022 17:20

@sassbott

There was even one convo when I took my kids on a pretty great trip. His first response? ‘my kids will be jealous they didn’t get to go.’ I simply looked at him and replied ‘last time I looked, I don’t have a monopoly on going to x location, you can take yours there too. And if you think your kids will be jealous, don’t tell them. We won’t.’

The reason I’m sharing these examples is because these issues don’t come up in just ‘blended’ situations. I lived apart from him, zero blending, my finances were mine, his were his. But there was still an inate entitlement in him. He knew I had money ‘spare’ (as the OP’s DH puts it) and he fully expected me to use said ‘spare’ money to extend the trip to his children too. Even without us blending, he felt that differential between how his children and my children were treated.

Honestly? I think a lot of these sorts of situations would be there because of entitlement. Plenty of SP’s in these situations don’t encounter these issues and their partners are fully boundaried. It simply comes down to some parents having hugely misplaced entitlement issues IMO.

Yep. My SC have been on some amazing holidays with their Mum. No jealousy here. As a couple DH and I have been on holidays both with and without SC. No drama. SC summer holidays were covered by their parents. No expectation of me doing it, although I did cover a few days here and there. Our wills reflect our respective assets and are weighted to different children. DH has 3 kids, I have one. His assets are split 3 ways, mine are not. We have always had a good relationship with the SC Mum and everyone has reasonable boundaries.
caringcarer · 04/01/2022 18:13

£450 is too much for a child's birthday in my opinion. The child's Mum should be going half with his Dad not you. Stick to the £30 you usually gift the DSC. Your child's Dad should also give your son the same as his first son for his birthday. I would not put up with a partner favouring one of his children over the other, which is what he is doing.

ThuMuClu · 04/01/2022 19:33

@MajorCarolDanvers

I always think it's really weird for 'families' to have 'his' and 'her' money and not 'our' money.

Surely a family should pool their resources snd children should created equally?

I think it’s very common in families where there are step children, second marriages etc. Myself and DP both have independent responsibilities and they are not equal in terms of cost and proportion of income. It’s much easier to manage money separately. We have a joint household account for house bills etc. Everything else is separate.
Starseeking · 04/01/2022 19:41

@funinthesun19

Op I can totally see why your finances are separate. He sounds terrible with money and you are the opposite of that. You’re right you can’t force him to do anything. You shouldn’t have to pick up the pieces for him when he chooses to not to save.

Me too. There's a reason that OP has separate finances from her DH, and she shouldn't be held accountable, or have to make up, for his spending decisions. That's on him.

Starseeking · 04/01/2022 19:44

@aSofaNearYou

But do you really want a relationship like that...my kid your kid my money your money it sounds way too hard work. Maybe take seperate holidays have separate houses even. Maybe just seperate as that would be easier.... but then your kid might be the DSS going to see his dad who cant be arsed to save money towards his birthday and so he gets less then his new brothers and sisters.

It's not hard work at all when you only have a joint child, like OP. It's very simple. You just both share the expenses for your joint responsibility, and they deal with the one's that are just theirs.

This is such a dramatic response. Oh you want them to accept paying for their own kid, might as well just seperate then because that's too hard and complicated. It's not hard or complicated at all.

I agree with you sofa. All this hyperbole is ridiculous. Haven't seen this kind of a pile-on to a DSM who is being perfectly reasonable for a few days now, I'd almost thought it was beginning to stop happening!

strawberry2017 · 04/01/2022 20:48

Your DH needs to get his shit together but that's his issue not yours.
If he can't afford to buy it then it doesn't get bought.
He's a grown man, the birthday date stays the same every year, it's not a hard thing to plan for!

YANBU!

CornishGem1975 · 05/01/2022 10:36

@tiredofthisshit21

Great post *@sassbott*. I would never blend our finances for all the reasons you have stated and I stick by that. I've been told we're not truly a partnership or we're not 'truly blended.' I don't give a shiny shit!
Same!
SandyY2K · 05/01/2022 10:40

He should pay for the gift himself. You're not wrong and he should actually feel embarrassed to ask you to go halves on it tbh.

Lena007 · 05/01/2022 10:54

There are a few issues here.

  1. £450 is likely for some sort of game console/ bike or something similar which will be only at dad's or mum's home. If it's going to be at your home all the time it would be unreasonable to ask DM to contribute half of its cost.
  2. Your DH only has two options: either borrow money for the gift or buy something else that he can afford.
  3. His attitude to your DS sucks and I would really resent it. If you want to spoil DS out your own money then fair enough, but I would say the gift for him is to be founded 50/50 by both of you, from the 'family money'.

Personally, as you have separate finances, I would offer a contribution of the usual £30-£40 and a loan of the remainder which DH needs, and be clear this needs to be repaid to you within a certain time. No chance I would contribute that much in the circumstances you describe.