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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU for not paying toward birthday present?

286 replies

HappyGuppy · 03/01/2022 21:10

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and a son with me.

Its my step sons birthday in a couple of weeks and he has asked for something expensive. It's about £450.

My husband can't afford to get the present DSS has asked for and instead of getting him something else he is saying I should pay half so that he can have it.

I can't really afford this right after Christmas not without dipping into some money I have saved recently for a specific reason.

The savings are for our sons birthday which is 3 weeks after DSS's and I have booked a few things for him and got him a few presents which are costing a bit more than usual but which I'm paying for. Admittedly I've probably gone a bit OTT but wanted to use it as an excuse to get family together as well and as I'm paying for it myself didn't think anything of it.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable as our son will have more spent on him and if I'm going to spend that much on DS, then DSS should be able to get what he wants for his birthday whereas I think it's unfortunate if DH can't afford it right now but it doesn't mean I should have to take away from what I've specifically saved for DS's birthday.

I do also have savings but I never go into that unless I absolutely have to and I don't think this is a reason to do so. DH could save if he wanted to but he never does.

Yes our finances are separate. We have a joint account for bills but I prefer to keep the rest separate personally as I just find we prioritise different things and this was the most comfortable way for us.

I don't mind contributing some toward DSS's birthday, I always do. But this is usually £30-40 not £200+

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 04/01/2022 08:50

At 10 your stepson is old enough to understand how much things cost and what the budget is. If he really wants the thing he can ask for money from everyone who normally gets him a present. They can give whatever they would normally have spent. He can then pool it and carry on saving pocket money if it is still short of what is needed.
I would recommend for blended family happiness in the future that what you spend on iyour son is exactly the same as you spend on your stepson. Resentment easily builds .

coodawoodashooda · 04/01/2022 08:57

@KiloWhat

Ah see she won't. Then tough. You are not a bank and he'll have to choose something else.
Great answer. How old is your partner? I am so over people who think that I can go without so that they can indulge themselves.
Magda72 · 04/01/2022 09:00

Op is expected to 'fund' half of dss's birthday & about 82% of their joint dc's birthday just to keep things 'fair'?
The only person with the responsibility to keep things fair in this scenario is the father of BOTH children; something which is abjectly NOT doing.

Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 09:03

I would recommend for blended family happiness in the future that what you spend on iyour son is exactly the same as you spend on your stepson

It doesn't really work in practice when you have children with varying ages.

And I'm not going to be told I can't spend money on my son because my husband refuses to save for his.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 09:06

YANBU at all and frankly your DH is being an absolute twat.

You would not be unreasonable to not contribute this much even if you were fairly splitting the costs for your joint child, but the fact that you aren't and you are shouldering most of that makes his argument here a total joke.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 09:08

@Gufo

You have two children, so surely you'd spend the same on each of them out of family money? It shouldn't matter if one is a stepson or not - maybe it would be simpler if you just combined finances and treated them the same?
😂😂 Nice try.

As we all know, if we say it often enough and forcibly enough, it becomes true!

JSL52 · 04/01/2022 09:13

The child should be told he can't have the present because it's too expensive. Why is everyone trying to find a way to pay for it ?
It's an insane amount of money to spend on a 10 year old.

Floraflower3 · 04/01/2022 09:21

Why are you even together?

He doesn’t seem to be great with money which surely you would have seen before you married and it comes across as ‘not my son not my problem’ when you married him knowing he already had a child.

This isn’t coming from someone bitter btw I have no children - just an outside perspective.

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 09:25

@Floraflower3

Why are you even together?

He doesn’t seem to be great with money which surely you would have seen before you married and it comes across as ‘not my son not my problem’ when you married him knowing he already had a child.

This isn’t coming from someone bitter btw I have no children - just an outside perspective.

But there's nothing wrong with saying not my son not my problem, that should go without saying.

What would be a more logical question is why are they together when he's saying about their joint child, yes my son, but not my problem.

candlelightsatdawn · 04/01/2022 09:28

@Floraflower3

Why are you even together?

He doesn’t seem to be great with money which surely you would have seen before you married and it comes across as ‘not my son not my problem’ when you married him knowing he already had a child.

This isn’t coming from someone bitter btw I have no children - just an outside perspective.

This comes across exactly like someone without children or any idea actually what blended families are like.

It's also comes across like your placing the blame of DH being crap with money saying he has 0 accountability because she married him 😂 better yet he's being a 🛎 end to of his children but only focusing on one. Couldn't make this stuff up.

We have all made mistakes with men, not that anyone on MN making these comments would acknowledge.

Libertynan · 04/01/2022 09:29

I don’t get it as all our money is shared.

However your DP can’t favour one child over the other.

What about stepchild’s other parent? Could she contribute to stepchild’s gift too? That seems more fair especially as you’re paying for most of your joint child’s birthday gift

coodawoodashooda · 04/01/2022 09:31

@HappyGuppy

I would recommend for blended family happiness in the future that what you spend on iyour son is exactly the same as you spend on your stepson

It doesn't really work in practice when you have children with varying ages.

And I'm not going to be told I can't spend money on my son because my husband refuses to save for his.

Does he have a valid reason for not saving? Or is he sorry that he hasn't?
KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 09:32

@HappyGuppy

I would recommend for blended family happiness in the future that what you spend on iyour son is exactly the same as you spend on your stepson

It doesn't really work in practice when you have children with varying ages.

And I'm not going to be told I can't spend money on my son because my husband refuses to save for his.

You are exactly right.

If anything you need to make sure he is paying his fair share for his shared child with you.

We have a similar arrangement and I've made perfectly clear that "extras" I want to spoil my child with are coming out of my money and so I'm not expected to do them for DSC. It lead to a lot of whining from mum, DSC and even DH once when I'd put on a party for DC and not DSC but I shut DH up by pointing out he hadn't contributed a single penny to the party. I don't earn my wages to pay for his kids.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 09:33

@Floraflower3

Why are you even together?

He doesn’t seem to be great with money which surely you would have seen before you married and it comes across as ‘not my son not my problem’ when you married him knowing he already had a child.

This isn’t coming from someone bitter btw I have no children - just an outside perspective.

Well yes but it isn't her son and so funding birthday presents isn't her problem.

It's very much dad's problem.

My DSC get rubbish birthday presents from Dad as he leaves it last minutes and panic buys.

Not my problem. I'm not his PA.

Harlequin1088 · 04/01/2022 09:35

Absolutely not! Your stepson has two parents - your husband and his mother. They should be the ones going half on a gift. You’ve got no reason to be dragged into it at all.

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 09:35

@JSL52

The child should be told he can't have the present because it's too expensive. Why is everyone trying to find a way to pay for it ? It's an insane amount of money to spend on a 10 year old.
Exactly. Just because he wants it doesn't mean he has to get it.
Harlequin1088 · 04/01/2022 09:36

@JSL52

The child should be told he can't have the present because it's too expensive. Why is everyone trying to find a way to pay for it ? It's an insane amount of money to spend on a 10 year old.
Also this!
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 09:40

He doesn’t seem to be great with money which surely you would have seen before you married

He's not bad with money. He just doesn't prioritise the same things as me. And yes I did know that before, which is precisely why I keep things separate!

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGuppy · 04/01/2022 09:42

Does he have a valid reason for not saving? Or is he sorry that he hasn't?

Not really. I earn slightly more than him but very slightly. He prefers to spend whereas I prefer to save 🤷‍♀️

He's also rubbish with organising things in good time. As a PP says, he panic buys at the last minute and does it every year so I've lost sympathy.

I used to remind him all the time for things like SS's birthday but I don't now because he never learns. It has meant that DSS has ended up with some crappier or rush presents some years.

OP posts:
KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 09:43

@HappyGuppy

He doesn’t seem to be great with money which surely you would have seen before you married

He's not bad with money. He just doesn't prioritise the same things as me. And yes I did know that before, which is precisely why I keep things separate!

It sounds like your system is a good one for your family set up tbh. Means you can spoil DC without having to rely on DH to assist.
KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 09:43

@HappyGuppy

Does he have a valid reason for not saving? Or is he sorry that he hasn't?

Not really. I earn slightly more than him but very slightly. He prefers to spend whereas I prefer to save 🤷‍♀️

He's also rubbish with organising things in good time. As a PP says, he panic buys at the last minute and does it every year so I've lost sympathy.

I used to remind him all the time for things like SS's birthday but I don't now because he never learns. It has meant that DSS has ended up with some crappier or rush presents some years.

He sounds so much like my DH!
PeeAche · 04/01/2022 09:45

Hey OP, one hell of a thread to catch up on! 🤯

In our house we keep "every child equal" (also have an acrimonious co-parenting situation with ex wife) and we share all finances.

Nb. Equal" doesn't necessarily mean "same".

Our situations have similarities and differences but my approach won't necessarily fit your family, because we are all different with different priorities and incomes. And that's true of every respondent on this thread, so don't feel moved to change your whole outlook because of any of the advice listed here.

The story today is about a ten year old's expensive birthday present but the issue is a deeper one and you need to talk to your husband about it. It's a birthday present today but in no time at all it will be Nike Airs, driving lessons and "can I borrow £100 for...?"

They get more and more expensive as they grow and conversations you've had with your DH in the past might need a review. Even if it is for you to underline the point that you will be contributing £X and no more to each life event. Don't assume he "gets it". You too have a child and you must know from experience how blinkered we parents can be.

I talk to my DH about what I think is fair all the time. Every Christmas and birthday, we discuss budgets and gift lists on a case by case basis. We are mindful to not spoil them but we try to not make choices based on what they will receive at the other end. (We probably do end up spoiling them. But I have to be honest, I enjoy spoiling them a little. 😳 )

Ultimately, whatever you decide is up to you. You aren't wicked for spending less or soft for spending more.

And thank your lucky stars he's a boy. My ten year old SD wants a pony... she's measured the field attached to our house and declared it to be "big enough". 😂

PeeAche · 04/01/2022 09:48

Also, from a purely logistical point of view, in this situation we would likely enlist grandparents to contribute. Does your SC have paternal grandparents?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 04/01/2022 09:49

YANBU.
You have very different outlooks on money. I'm on your side.
I had an ex like your DH. He's now an ex partly because he was lousy with money too and expected me bail him out on demand.

BooksAndGin · 04/01/2022 09:52

YANBU.

He should ask his ex to pay half surely? Your not the boys mother, it's unfair to expect you to fork out so much money.