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Original poster

Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

293 replies

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:27

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

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Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:28

*looking after them. Not looming.

It's only come out today as DSC1 asked if I can cook a curry when they stay with us when dad's in hospital recovering..

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2021 18:29

If it's in his time he is still the default parent. The default lone parent. Which means asking someone. Whether that's paying or the other parent or you or a playdate or whatever. It's for him to sort.

frazzledasarock · 26/12/2021 18:30

Nope I wouldn’t take time off to babysit.

The biological parents are the default carers and if one or the other is busy the parent who’s contact time it is should organise childcare. First refusal should go to the other parent.

dammit88 · 26/12/2021 18:30

If it’s in his contact time it’s up to him to arrange childcare. It may be that he asks her but I wouldn’t just assume!

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 26/12/2021 18:30

Err your husband is still responsible for them during his contact time. He needs to organise a babysitter if he has an appointment. Not just assume the mum is free to take them!

NOTANUM · 26/12/2021 18:30

I think we need more details, like who normally looks after the children (50/50?) and whether the appointment can be rescheduled.
If your DH has them one weekend every fortnight but it clashes with an appointment, I’d be inclined to say he needs to honour having them one way or another. If he has them 50/50 and the appointment can’t be moved, I’d like to think the parents could work out something between themselves.

Aimee1987 · 26/12/2021 18:31

@MrsTerryPratchett

If it's in his time he is still the default parent. The default lone parent. Which means asking someone. Whether that's paying or the other parent or you or a playdate or whatever. It's for him to sort.
This
Simonjt · 26/12/2021 18:32

Him if its his usual time with his children, if he has an appointment etc he needs to arrange suitable childcare.

If you had been in hospital would you be sending your child away, or getting someone in to help?

Just10moreminutesplease · 26/12/2021 18:32

It’s the responsibility of whichever parent is supposed to have the children that day to sort out childcare if they have an appointment, surely?

In an ideal world, separated parents each other out. But it’s not always possible.

You don’t have to provide childcare but it is your DP’s problem to sort.

JohnSmithDrive · 26/12/2021 18:33

If it's dad's time it's his responsibility to arrange cover. That could be by asking you, their mother or some other childcare arrangement, but he shouldn't be assuming anything of anyone.

Theremoresefulday · 26/12/2021 18:34

What steps has he taken to organise care of his kids!? His time, his problem. He (or you) have no right to assume their mum will take them.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 26/12/2021 18:37

Why do I get the feeling that this is somehow your problem (out of everyone’s) to sort out?

This is your husband’s problem. If his ex can’t have the kids (fair enough on his scheduled time), and you can’t, he needs to organise a babysitter.

He does. Not you.

Now5sos · 26/12/2021 18:43

I always had 50:50 with my ex
We had an agreement that if on our time we needed childcare we would ask each other and if the other couldn't do it then we would sort it
Your husband needs to arrange childcare, why is it their mum that needs to maybe change plans?

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:43

@Simonjt

Him if its his usual time with his children, if he has an appointment etc he needs to arrange suitable childcare.

If you had been in hospital would you be sending your child away, or getting someone in to help?

I would be assuming their other parent who is aware of the operation would look after our child. I would be I hospital. She is aware of this.
OP posts:
disneydreaming · 26/12/2021 18:44

I would disagree with most people on this and say that if it's something medical requiring recovery which means dad is not available then the other parent should step in? Possibly with the agreement that dad makes up the time when possible?

Had it been just an appointment for something non essential then that would be different and I would expect him to arrange childcare as it's his time.

TheUndoingProject · 26/12/2021 18:44

I agree that if it’s his contact time then it’s on him to sort out childcare. Which could be you if you very kindly agree, but it’s his responsibility to find a solution - not just dump on his ex without asking.

Nat6999 · 26/12/2021 18:44

Exh & I always sorted things like this between us by swapping contact time or the other parent caring for ds if one of us was in hospital unless grandparents offered to have him.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:44

@Theremoresefulday

What steps has he taken to organise care of his kids!? His time, his problem. He (or you) have no right to assume their mum will take them.
I think she and he have even less right to assume I will take them.
OP posts:
Theremoresefulday · 26/12/2021 18:45

You and your DH have made an assumption that their mother doesn’t know about. I wouldn’t have assumed I’d be looking after them. I’d have assumed it was on their dad to sort.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:47

@disneydreaming that's how I thought it would go.
So DH has said he can't look after them that weekend. She said ok.

Then today it emerges She thinks she has said "OK I agree SpiderFluff can do it" but we thought she was saying "OK I will do it".

OP posts:
Theremoresefulday · 26/12/2021 18:47

Your husband has no right to assume you will take them.

Whether you take them or not for your DH is irrelevant to their mother.

I wouldn’t have been interested in how or who he got to look after them, if I was her. I would probably have done it if he’d asked and I was able to, but it’s on HIM to sort. Not you. And certainly not her to be assumed that she’s taking them.

Kbyodjs · 26/12/2021 18:47

If DH can’t have DSD during his contact time he will ask me, then his parents and then his sister rather than assuming that her mum will.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 26/12/2021 18:48

I think she and he have even less right to assume I will take them.

So your gripe is very much with him.

What’s he going to do about it, then?

bedheadedzombie · 26/12/2021 18:48

I would be assuming their other parent who is aware of the operation would look after our child. I would be I hospital. She is aware of this.

She doesn't need to be aware, she needs to be asked and then she can say yes or no.

You can't just assume that if the dad doesn't take care of his child that she automatically will have freed her time up.

TrufflesAndToast · 26/12/2021 18:48

If he just assumed the kids mother would have them over his normal contact time without even speaking to her then he is staggeringly unreasonable. I can’t believe it’s that shocking to the pair of you that she assumed you were having the kids given your DH hadn’t mentioned anything about altering their normal contact schedule!

Being the default parent doesn’t mean you and your DH don’t owe her the respect of actually speaking to her about it!! I actually can’t believe you two just assumed because she knew he was going into hospital she was having the kids on his time and didn’t say a word to her!