Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

[SpiderFluff]

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

@Theremoresefulday

How the hell does he reach from ok to “don’t worry I’ll sort your problem” ?

That man has more front than Blackpool.

How does she reach from "I can't look after them on xyz date because of my operation" to "its ok SpiderFluff is looking after them"

Depends on age, circumstances etc. what is reasonable; generally I would expect the mother, but the father would have informed her of the date and that she needed to cover it. If she was working/had prior commitments then asking step mum to cover childcare isn't unreasonable but it would have been discussed not assumed. A teen generally isn't much of an issue as they don't need childcare, no need to alter the child arrangements, a 3 year old is very full on so more of an ask. If the mother cannot cover on a fathers contact time the father could ask other relatives

Because you’re his wife and she thought he had asked you?

Really she’s irrelevant. What she has assumed is irrelevant. The problem is your husband who hasn’t bothered his arse to actually ask for childcare and has assumed his ex wife will be on tap to help him out without him even having the decency to ask

OP - you can keep on believing and insisting you’re in the right here.

But your husband never actually asked his ex to have their kids on his contact time.

So now you have a situation you all need to resolve.

And it’s your DH who created it, so…….

So what!? He has never asked her to have the kids based on what you have posted! then what is it she thinks is happening to her kids then?! Is she fine with whatever arrangement he decides? Doesn't care if they are out on the street? Funny coz she's been reaaaalllly strict before at wanting to know exactly where they will be and how I can't overstep my mark.

All I'm getting from this thread is those poor kids whose step mum wants fuck all to do with them. My DH doesn't even bat an eyelid about looking after my DS, and it's been like that for as long as we lived together because he accepted I came as a package deal. If something happened to me he wouldn't be contacting DS's dad and saying "well I don't want him he's yours" because that would make DS feel awful.
I think OP, that you and your husband need to learn to communicate with each other and you need to decide whether you want to be a step parent, because you don't get to pick and choose when it suits you. Kids need love, stability and routine, not an adult that doesn't care about them but they are forced to live with some of the time.

Totally on your DH and totally on him to solve. If I was the ex wife I’d be pissed off and if I was you I’d be pissed off. He needs to learn to actually communicate

OP - think it’s pretty clear from responses. DHs job to sort it. Whether that’s you, GPs or otherwise. Sorry that’s not what you want to hear. As an aside, I do hope you aren’t as hostile around them in real life.

My children are mine.. I am ALWAYS responsible for them. I can't opt out of that. The same applies to their Dad. If he is prone to taking the piss with her time then I'd understand her need for boundaries around this. If he generally sticks to his end of parenting then I would prefer my children to be with me than with their dads gf.

However, I find your attitude pretty questionable. The child is either part of your family or not. If she is, then that means you cope with having the extra pressure of another child when your partner is indisposed. If she's not then fair enough. You be honest about it and set everyone straight - you are not prepared to have his child impact on your time.

@SpiderFluff

Definitely miscommunication I think. From what you put it sounds like she thought he was saying to her that the dc will have someone else looking after them (she assumed you) as he didn't explicitly say can you have dc

You would hope for the sake of the poor child that either mum or step mum would step up. she won't so I'm not sure why I should frankly.

[quote gogohm]@SpiderFluff

Definitely miscommunication I think. From what you put it sounds like she thought he was saying to her that the dc will have someone else looking after them (she assumed you) as he didn't explicitly say can you have dc[/quote]
I think you're right. I can see this now. It's why I hate that they won't just pick up the phone to each other!

You need to be directing this all towards your husband and asking him to make arrangements rather than back at the mum!

My exdh would (and has) has the DC's if I was in hospital and I would (and have) the DC's if he was .
No question about it and regardless to any other plans I or he might have had .
Their little minds are already stressed with knowing that one of their parents are poorly so Neither of us would want them with anyone else .

We have 50/50 anyway so they are settled in either home if that make a difference.

If it was an emergency situation then either step parent would do the right thing until whichever parent could get there .

For a planned operation , dates would have been discussed and arrangement would have been made for whichever parent to keep the DC's .

I have a great relationship with my exdh and his partner though , slightly more frosty between my current dh and exdh but even then i would expect a line to be drawn and the right thing done by the kids .

@SpiderFluff

You would hope for the sake of the poor child that either mum or step mum would step up. she won't so I'm not sure why I should frankly.

Like I said. Poor kid.

All I'm getting from this thread is those poor kids whose step mum wants fuck all to do with them I'm sorry what? I have a job. I have my own child. I have a relative that I care for and soon a husband recovering from surgery. We have a great time when they are here but I am at breaking point with juggling everything. Their parents, my DH included in this need to sort themselves out!

My brother and his ex share care of their child, my brother sometimes needs hospital treatment and when it is during his time to care for their child then he will arrange care, usually my mum or I will take a day off work and look after her if he asked (an the important his is tht he asks), sometimes he will arrange an extra day at nursery.

Your DH shouldn't expect you to do it but is is him that needs to make the arrangements, his ex shouldn't assume it would be you he would ask but it's fair enough she is not expecting to do it. S

he might if he asked her but if he hasn't even asked either of you then he is really not being reasonable and responsible as a parent.

Yab massively unreasonable. He has not asked her to have them. He has said he wont be looking after them. He is the one responsible for parenting at that time so she is correct to assume he would have either arranged for someone else to have them, or to have asked her.

She is divorced from him. She doesnt need to still be dealing with his shit communication. They have a schedule. If he knew ‘for months’ he wouldnt be able to look after them, why the actual fuck has this presumably otherwise competent adult arrange for someone to look after his children?

Why didn't he ask her to have them in that time?

We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids well you know what they say about assuming.

So I think this depends on the dynamic. In this scenario, it would be assumed by all that I would look after DSS, but we have a 50/50 split (soon to be full time with us) and so I am much more involved in his general care. Also he is 13. If he was five I think it would be different as different dynamics at play.
If it were my DD and DH was my ex and for any reason not able to care for her himself I would absolutely want her home with me, regardless of the sort of split we had. I just can't ever picture us splitting up however so I've not given it loads of thought.
In your scenario though it sounds as though perhaps DH isn't very involved and only has the child every second weekend, and so by default do you? In that scenario; esp if your DC is young, I would expect your DH to resolve this by himself, or him to ask you to help (or ask his ex to help also).

This man is ridiculous and needs to sort his shit out.

It's his weekend, he needs to properly sort childcare.

@SpiderFluff

So what!? He has never asked her to have the kids based on what you have posted! then what is it she thinks is happening to her kids then?! Is she fine with whatever arrangement he decides? Doesn't care if they are out on the street? Funny coz she's been reaaaalllly strict before at wanting to know exactly where they will be and how I can't overstep my mark.

Sounds like she felt the amount of warning he'd been giving her was her knowing exactly where they would be and that, in this circumstance, you wouldn't be overstepping the mark.

Seems as though the person in the wrong all over is your DH for assuming she had psychic powers to be able to infer the correct meaning from 'I'm in hospital so I won't be looking after the kids' - rather than 'I'm going to be in hospital and think it would be better if they stay with you until the Saturday, rather than be looked after by somebody else', which would give the ex the opportunity to say 'Wouldn't you prefer them to still come?' and him to say 'I'll ask Spider/Spider's not able to do it'.

@SpiderFluff

You would hope for the sake of the poor child that either mum or step mum would step up. she won't so I'm not sure why I should frankly.

So what is he going to do?

Is she fine with whatever arrangement he decides?
She has no say unless whatever your H chooses is dangerous. Stop pandering to her.

@NeverDropYourMooncup yeah I think you've hit the nail on the head. He's been rubbish at communicating. Still don't know why she's assumed I'm doing it but get the point the bigger picture is he shouldn't assume she's doing it. Never mind. If she won't do it then they'll just have to have a childminder which will be shit for them but I can't time time off work to watch someone else's kids I don't thing? The dependents leave has to be for your own child?

So what is he going to do? I don't know. I guess it's not my problem? Until I come home from work and find them dropped off.