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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

293 replies

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:27

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Justtobeclear · 26/12/2021 18:49

If it was my exh I would assume he had sorted childcare for our DC unless he specifically asked me to cover it. His time, his responsibility to sort it out.

namechange30455 · 26/12/2021 18:49

@SpiderFluff

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

You're not the default, but if your DP hadn't mentioned it I would assume the same as ex has done i.e. that he had sorted childcare.

YABU to have assumed she will do it without bothering to check.

Original poster

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:49

Say the worst happens and he has an accident and dies or something during "his time" am I supposed to look after them for the rest of the weekend?! Where is the line.

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 26/12/2021 18:49

Maybe a proper arrangement should have been made rather than everyone assuming someone else would do it

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 26/12/2021 18:50

[quote SpiderFluff]@disneydreaming that's how I thought it would go.
So DH has said he can't look after them that weekend. She said ok.

Then today it emerges She thinks she has said "OK I agree SpiderFluff can do it" but we thought she was saying "OK I will do it".[/quote]
If that’s all he said to her - no asking her to have them on his contact time - then he’s being not only unreasonably, but really rude to boot.

GrazingSheep · 26/12/2021 18:50

Imagine being the children whose father is in hospital and having to have a paid babysitter because their parents can’t or won’t communicate.

Theremoresefulday · 26/12/2021 18:50

I mean. She might not be able to have them that weekend. You’ve no idea what’s going on in her life.

I remember exH assuming I’d keep the kids when he was away with “work”. He didn’t ask me to have them, just told me he would be away with “work” that weekend and expected me to read his mind and realise that meant he needed/wanted me to keep them.

I had plans. He was most displeased. Oh dear.

You can’t assume she’s having them.

Fallagain · 26/12/2021 18:51

@dammit88

If it’s in his contact time it’s up to him to arrange childcare. It may be that he asks her but I wouldn’t just assume!

This!

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 26/12/2021 18:51

This is 100% not your problem. He asked you to baby sit you have said no. Would you ask him to look after your child if you were busy?

dementedpixie · 26/12/2021 18:51

[quote SpiderFluff]@disneydreaming that's how I thought it would go.
So DH has said he can't look after them that weekend. She said ok.

Then today it emerges She thinks she has said "OK I agree SpiderFluff can do it" but we thought she was saying "OK I will do it".[/quote]
Did he actually ask if she could take the kids?
If not, he's very unreasonable

Tattler2 · 26/12/2021 18:52

If your husband is scheduled to have his children, it is his responsibility to arrange alternative care. If his assumption is that as his wife you are his default child care provider, that is an issue to be resolved between the 2 of you. It is not his ex's responsibility to solve his issues when he is scheduled to have his children.

He is an adult and should be fully capable of making alternative arrangements. Functioning adults do this on a daily basis.

As his wife, you have no obligation to or for his children, although in many families wives are not adversed to helping their spouses. Only you know how your particular relationship works.

Original poster

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:52

I can assume whatever I like it's them who need to have someone look after their kid not me.

OP posts:

Fallagain · 26/12/2021 18:52

@SpiderFluff

Say the worst happens and he has an accident and dies or something during "his time" am I supposed to look after them for the rest of the weekend?! Where is the line.

The line is between plan and unplanned. His operation is planned so he needs to find an alternative. If he is run over then I would expect you to look after them until Mum can collect them.

namechange30455 · 26/12/2021 18:52

@SpiderFluff

Say the worst happens and he has an accident and dies or something during "his time" am I supposed to look after them for the rest of the weekend?! Where is the line.

I assumed this is the kind of situation you were talking about in this thread. An emergency is totally different to your DP and his ex being incapable of communicating properly about a scheduled appointment.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 26/12/2021 18:53

Them? No. Him. He needs to find someone to look after his child on his contact time.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 26/12/2021 18:53

@SpiderFluff

I can assume whatever I like it's them who need to have someone look after their kid not me.

So no issue, then…….

Theremoresefulday · 26/12/2021 18:53

If he said he can’t look after them. That’s a statement. He didn’t ask her

I’d have said “ok” as in I’m noting that you said you can’t thanks for letting me know this completely irrelevant information that has nothing to do with me

Original poster

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:53

@GrazingSheep

Imagine being the children whose father is in hospital and having to have a paid babysitter because their parents can’t or won’t communicate.

Yup exactly. This is why he thought when he said he couldn't do his usual contact and she said ok. It was taken to mean ok don't worry about it we will sort something.

OP posts:

Theremoresefulday · 26/12/2021 18:54

How the hell does he reach from ok to “don’t worry I’ll sort your problem” ?

That man has more front than Blackpool.

Original poster

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:54

It is an appointment that cannot be rescheduled. It has been a date she has known about for months.

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 26/12/2021 18:54

Did they sort something or did he just assume she'd do it?

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/12/2021 18:55

His responsibility to make arrangements. He should have either

a) come to an agreement with the mother and not just made assumptions
b) asked you to do it not made assumptions
c) if you are unwilling find another relative eg grandparent, auntie to babysit
d) failing that found a paid fir babysitter

It's certainly not the mother's fault.

You would hope for the sake of the poor child that either mum or step mum would step up.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 26/12/2021 18:55

@SpiderFluff

It is an appointment that cannot be rescheduled. It has been a date she has known about for months.

But he never actually asked her to have the kids…..?

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/12/2021 18:55

@SpiderFluff

Say the worst happens and he has an accident and dies or something during "his time" am I supposed to look after them for the rest of the weekend?! Where is the line.

Hyperbole at its finest.

Theremoresefulday · 26/12/2021 18:56

@SpiderFluff

It is an appointment that cannot be rescheduled. It has been a date she has known about for months.

So what!? He has never asked her to have the kids based on what you have posted!

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