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Original poster

Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

293 replies

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:27

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

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Tee20x · 26/12/2021 20:02

The ex-partner has assumed you and your husband have discussed among yourselves and that you are looking after the kids. That's what I would assume if I were her.

He should have said he has an appointment, he can't look after them and then asked if she is free to have them. Otherwise she is likely to assume he has made his own arrangements for their care. Which is exactly what's happened.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 20:03

Of course she would step in then as she would be the only parent I would argue that whilst he is in the operating theatre and unconscious and then in a hospital bed then she is pretty much the only functioning parent

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Rainbowqueeen · 26/12/2021 20:03

This is completely on your DH. He has failed to communicate.

He is s also coming across badly in the sense that why on earth didn’t he ask to switch weekends so he still gets to see his kids the same amount of time.

He needs to sort it and he needs to stop expecting his ex to do the wife work for him. She is his ex. That’s not her role to automatically pick up his slack.

QueenofDestruction · 26/12/2021 20:04

The default carer is always the other parent because they are the parent

ScaredOfOverDiagnosis · 26/12/2021 20:06

Don't babysit them
Even if your DH begs you.
This is his and his ex wife's issue to sort.
Keep your time for yourself and your child.
Step mum's get used.
You're not a martyr for them.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 20:07

@turnaroundtime

Yup that's fine and I get this but I am most certainly not the default childcare either so she shouldn't assume I am looking after the kids either.

She is fully entitled to assume SOMEONE is looking after the DC as it is their father's responsibility to arrange childcare. She may have incorrectly assumed it was you but she was not incorrect in assuming it was someone your DP arranged it with

Ah yes I see what you mean. Not sure who she thought he would have arranged it with tbh as there isn't really anyone around.
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OddBoots · 26/12/2021 20:09

"Ah yes I see what you mean. Not sure who she thought he would have arranged it with tbh as there isn't really anyone around."

Ahh, if there is no-one else then that's probably why she assumed it would be you because she know she hadn't been asked to do it.

LefttoherownDevizes · 26/12/2021 20:11

This just makes me so so sad. I am so tribal that my step mum realised once her and my dad got together that they shared everything, including children. It works have been argument if my (step) brothers were afforded care/attention whilst my dad was at work whilst I was ignored.

OP, I would definitely your DH to arrange with you to help out, surely now you're a unit that's what you do? Else I can't imagine those poor DSCs must feel in your home

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 20:11

@OddBoots that makes sense yes! I just wish they'd talk to each other on the phone it would prevent all this.

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Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 20:12

OP, I would definitely your DH to arrange with you to help out, surely now you're a unit that's what you do? I am on the verge of a breakdown and cannot take anymore on. I have enough on my own plate

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TheBitchOfTheVicar · 26/12/2021 20:17

@SpiderFluff

Presumably, since he has had months to sort he, she assumed he had sorted it. yes but she has assumed I am doing it.
Presumably she has made that assumption because you are his partner and he didn't actually ask her to do it?
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2021 20:19

Yup that's fine and I get this but I am most certainly not the default childcare either so she shouldn't assume I am looking after the kids either.

You seem very fixated on her when it's all him.

I'm sorry you're struggling but he's the one in a relationship with you, not her. It's not her issue at all.

Hercisback · 26/12/2021 20:20

You're blaming the wrong person. She has done nothing wrong. Your creating of extreme scenarios isn't helpful and creates a strawman argument. Your DH needs to sort this.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 26/12/2021 20:25

@SpiderFluff

Presumably, since he has had months to sort he, she assumed he had sorted it. yes but she has assumed I am doing it.
Has she? Or has she just correctly assessed that it is not HER problem. It's HIS problem, he needs to deal with it. It doesn't matter at the end of the day, it's still his problem and not hers.
Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 20:26

Has she? yes she has. She's told the SDC that I'm looking after them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 20:27

It doesn't matter at the end of the day, it's still his problem and not hers. it matters to me.

It may still be his problem to sort out but I'm the one who now looks bad as she has told them I am looking after them and I am not.

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Hercisback · 26/12/2021 20:31

But that's your DH fault, not hers.

MoreAloneTime · 26/12/2021 20:31

How did he manage to arrange his medical appointment if he's that bad at organisation and communication?

You're blaming the wrong person here.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 20:33

@Hercisback

But that's your DH fault, not hers.
No it's not. If she had no idea who was looking after them when he's in hospital she shouldn't have promised them it was me. I am absolutely nothing to do with this and shouldn't have been dragged into it.
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MissMaple82 · 26/12/2021 20:36

It's his responsibility to find appropriate childcare, not her issue!

Hercisback · 26/12/2021 20:36

I just can't see her promising you were looking after them. How odd. Who uses the language if promise with children and childcare...?

It's your DH fault, blame him.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 20:37

@Hercisback

I just can't see her promising you were looking after them. How odd. Who uses the language if promise with children and childcare...?

It's your DH fault, blame him.

Alright not promise but she told them I was looking after them
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MintMatchmaker · 26/12/2021 20:37

This has happened because your husband has not sorted things.

She may have made the assumption you were having them as by your own admission there is no one else your husband could have asked and she knew full well he hadn’t asked her.

Be angry with him, not her.

HerRoyalNotness · 26/12/2021 20:37

If I was the x I would much rather be looking after my OWN children that their SM or other person if the dad isn’t available. Why wouldn’t I?

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 20:39

@Hercisback

I just can't see her promising you were looking after them. How odd. Who uses the language if promise with children and childcare...?

It's your DH fault, blame him.

I get that it is his fault for not being 100% clear that he was asking if she could look after them. I do. I mean usually she says I can't look after them this weekend and he says OK ill take them. So that's on him. I get that. But why has she decided that means I am looking after them? I have enough on my plate. But she's assumed I'm going to be able to look after them?!
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