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Original poster

Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

293 replies

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:27

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

OP posts:
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Sowhatifiam · 27/12/2021 14:55

Employer will understand that these things happen

The employer will understand when their employee is unwell and when the children in her care are unwell. They will also most likely cut her some slack wife a close family member is unwell and in hospital. What the employer won’t do is understand why when there is shared care and surgery isn’t an emergency, is why she is responsible for what is happening in another household that has nothing at all to do with her.

Woodmarsh · 27/12/2021 15:05

@Sowhatifiam she really doesn't need to go into that much detail

I get that the mother is no longer with her ex, that means she doesn't have to worry about him, cook for him help him with meds etc but when did that stop her being a parent? Surely any parent would rather look after their kids themselves when the other parent can't especially if the kids are likely to be worried

Sowhatifiam · 27/12/2021 15:13

Surely any parent would rather look after their kids themselves when the other parent can't especially if the kids are likely to be worried

So if the ex doesn’t do what you want her to, what you think she should do, it’s OK to start with the ‘bad mum’ accusations? To put the emotional pressure on with the ‘but surely you don’t want them to be cared for elsewhere?’

She has her own household to manage and a roof to keep over her and her children’s head. She has responsibilities towards her work and her colleagues. Her employer has to manage her illness and that of her children. But her ex as well? No. His hospital stay, his responsibility.

funinthesun19 · 27/12/2021 15:44

She has her own household to manage and a roof to keep over her and her children’s head. She has responsibilities towards her work and her colleagues. Her employer has to manage her illness and that of her children. But her ex as well? No. His hospital stay, his responsibility.

I’m sure OP has her own life to manage too. And with her not being their mum and all, the dscs won’t always feature at the top of her priorities.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 15:47

She has responsibilities towards her work and her colleagues. she really doesn't. She works a few hours here and there that can easily be rescheduled.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 15:53

And she has in fact agreed today that a frazzled step mum isn't the best care for her children so has stepped up and is taking some days as long as DH pays more maintenance. DH has said this is fine and they've decided he's going to do a tesco delivery as mum hates doing the food shop.

Seeee DH it all works out fine if you pick up the phone and speak to her like a human!

I still "have" to cover some days but I'm ok with that I think.

OP posts:
JacquelineCarlyle · 27/12/2021 16:36

Well done Op, glad there's a resolution!

Sowhatifiam · 27/12/2021 17:03

I ’m sure OP has her own life to manage too. And with her not being their mum and all, the dscs won’t always feature at the top of her priorities

Please show me where I said this was the OP’s responsibility.

justasking111 · 27/12/2021 17:29

@SpiderFluff

And she has in fact agreed today that a frazzled step mum isn't the best care for her children so has stepped up and is taking some days as long as DH pays more maintenance. DH has said this is fine and they've decided he's going to do a tesco delivery as mum hates doing the food shop.

Seeee DH it all works out fine if you pick up the phone and speak to her like a human!

I still "have" to cover some days but I'm ok with that I think.

Well glad that's clarified. Going forward you know to increase the maintenance if for some reason you can't have the children
Pearlpink · 27/12/2021 17:35

It all depends what kind of relationship the parents have. If my ex asked i would look after the kids on his time. But if I had plans the boys step mum or grandparents would look after them.

funinthesun19 · 27/12/2021 18:09

Please show me where I said this was the OP’s responsibility.

It was more of a general comment, not aimed at you specifically.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 18:25

Well glad that's clarified. Going forward you know to increase the maintenance if for some reason you can't have the children

No FFS. DH knows to offer to do a shop or something or increase the maintenance if for some reason mum has to look after them on his time.

Of course we would now expect this to work both ways but it won't obviously..

OP posts:
Original poster
SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 18:26

I don't pay her anything and I never will.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 27/12/2021 18:47

Well glad that's clarified. Going forward you know to increase the maintenance if for some reason you can't have the children

And maybe he could reduce it when the mum can’t have the children.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 18:52

@funinthesun19

Well glad that's clarified. Going forward you know to increase the maintenance if for some reason you can't have the children

And maybe he could reduce it when the mum can’t have the children.

Exactly...hmm...
OP posts:
justasking111 · 27/12/2021 20:22

When I say you I was assuming you and he discussed it as a couple @SpiderFluff not that it's your responsibility financially

justasking111 · 27/12/2021 20:23

@funinthesun19

Well glad that's clarified. Going forward you know to increase the maintenance if for some reason you can't have the children

And maybe he could reduce it when the mum can’t have the children.

That's a thought, seems fair
Original poster
SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 20:30

@justasking111

When I say you I was assuming you and he discussed it as a couple *@SpiderFluff* not that it's your responsibility financially
Apologies, bit of a sore subject shouldn't have assumed you meant me to pay. Peace and love.
OP posts:
Cherrytart23 · 27/12/2021 21:02

Schedule appointment why did he not arrange it for a time he doesn't have child his problem not mother's he sorts it.

Original poster
SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 21:03

@Cherrytart23

Schedule appointment why did he not arrange it for a time he doesn't have child his problem not mother's he sorts it.
HAHAHAHAHA have you ever used the NHS?
OP posts:
user15364596354862 · 27/12/2021 21:09

@Cherrytart23

Schedule appointment why did he not arrange it for a time he doesn't have child his problem not mother's he sorts it.
That's not how NHS surgery bookings work, mate. That's not even how Outpatient appointments work.

You get offered one surgery date and if you can't accept it you get taken off the waiting list and have to be re-referred.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 28/12/2021 20:01

Absolutely the mum needs to be having her children if their dad can't.
Regardless of "contact time", she's not a part time mum. If their father can't have them then she said be defaulted to look after them. I am a step mum and I most certainly wouldn't look after my step kids and take time off, they have a mum. I also have a child who stays with his dad one night a week, and if he couldn't have my child then I would; not his gf or wife.
People need to realise we aren't part time parents - you have a child and that's a full time commitment. If your child's dad dies, are you expecting his gf or wife to continue with "contact time". I didn't think so!

turnaroundtime · 28/12/2021 21:44

@mummytotwoboys0600

Absolutely the mum needs to be having her children if their dad can't. Regardless of "contact time", she's not a part time mum. If their father can't have them then she said be defaulted to look after them. I am a step mum and I most certainly wouldn't look after my step kids and take time off, they have a mum. I also have a child who stays with his dad one night a week, and if he couldn't have my child then I would; not his gf or wife. People need to realise we aren't part time parents - you have a child and that's a full time commitment. If your child's dad dies, are you expecting his gf or wife to continue with "contact time". I didn't think so!
You are spectacularly missing the point. The DC father has had months to prepare and organise childcare. This is completely different from if a parent died or was in a catastrophic accident. He had more than enough time to sort out his responsibilities. No one is suggesting it is the OPs responsibility. It's all down to the dad
mummytotwoboys0600 · 28/12/2021 22:03

@turnaroundtime
I'm not missing the point at all. He told the mum he cannot do that weekend, she should automatically assume, as the one who is the mum, that she has the children that weekend. The mum and dad are only two with parental responsibility. If the dad has said he cannot have the children then she should assume as the mum that the children are hers that weekend. I mean, it's not rocket science to work out that it's no one else's responsibility other than the mums?

Magda72 · 29/12/2021 00:37

@SpiderFluff haven't read though but Jesus Wept! If my exh was in hospital I would have my dc no questions asked - his dw would have enough to be dealing with without having to mind and reassure my dc as I sat on my ass.
Honestly - these threads are getting barmier!
Hope your dh is ok.