Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

[SpiderFluff]

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

@HerRoyalNotness

If I was the x I would much rather be looking after my OWN children that their SM or other person if the dad isn’t available. Why wouldn’t I?

Because the children are in the care of their father and he hasn’t asked his ex to take them. The ex doesn’t get to dictate what happens during their dad’s contact time and she wasn’t asked to swap dates.

The ex-partner has assumed you and your husband have discussed among yourselves and that you are looking after the kids. well she bloody well shouldn't assume this.

I think she assumed because usually it would be the step mother who provided the childcare if the dad couldn't do it - I can see from your perspective that this isn't how your relationship is (& nor should it be - it's up to you how you organise things, but your arrangement does sound different from the 'norm').

This is all definitely on your DH - you need to be angry / upset with him, not the DCs mother. It's up to him to sort.

Because the children are in the care of their father and he hasn’t asked his ex to take them. The ex doesn’t get to dictate what happens during their dad’s contact time and she wasn’t asked to swap dates. then why did she think he was telling her he can't look after them?

Absolutely she shouldn’t.

But. It’s not her problem to sort childcare for that time. That’s on your DH. Who hasn’t bothered his arse to sort it.

She's assumed your H sorted childcare in the form of you.

You're angry with the wrong person.

@Theremoresefulday

Absolutely she shouldn’t.

But. It’s not her problem to sort childcare for that time. That’s on your DH. Who hasn’t bothered his arse to sort it.

Yes fair enough I agree with this. Sorry its just been so stressful and having them tell me they thought they were with me and I was like I can't what do I do?! And DHs head isn't in the right place either but anyway. Yes he needs to sort it. Ask her to look after them or get a babysitter.

@Hercisback

She's assumed your H sorted childcare in the form of you.

You're angry with the wrong person.

Well she shouldn't I am not childcare

@SpiderFluff

Because the children are in the care of their father and he hasn’t asked his ex to take them. The ex doesn’t get to dictate what happens during their dad’s contact time and she wasn’t asked to swap dates. then why did she think he was telling her he can't look after them?

She may have wondered the same thing! His failings aren’t her fault.

then why did she think he was telling her he can't look after them?

Out of courtesy in case the kids said anything.

The pertinent problem is that he didn't ask for childcare from her.

She may have wondered the same thing! His failings aren’t her fault yes fair enough I shall suggest he responds similarly when she says she can't have them on x y z date.

Nor is she childcare when your DH has contact.

@Hercisback

then why did she think he was telling her he can't look after them?

Out of courtesy in case the kids said anything.

The pertinent problem is that he didn't ask for childcare from her.

Ah ok. Sadly I don't think their relationship extends to courtesy.:(

Are the children aware of the tensions?

@Hercisback

Nor is she childcare when your DH has contact.

Yes I get that point. But out of the two of us I am the one least responsible for these children so if she has decided she isn't childcare then I really really don't get why she decides I am.

I was the ex in this scenario.

And I got bloody well fed up to the back teeth of digging him out of holes when he could not sort his own shit. And I roosted. On enough occasions that the message sunk in that if he wanted me to have the kids he needed to ASK me and he needed to give me the genuine opportunity to say no it didn’t suit me and he would have to get someone else.

You obviously think she is being massively unreasonable and I don’t think anyone is going to convince you otherwise.

@GrazingSheep

Are the children aware of the tensions?

No. They have a great time here and have asked for me to cook things they like when they are here and one of them wants me to show them how the slow cooker works.

@MintMatchmaker

You obviously think she is being massively unreasonable and I don’t think anyone is going to convince you otherwise.

I think she is being sexist to assume I am going to be the one looking after her kids.

I do see now that my DH is an idiot and needs to actually ask her to look after them clearly and stop conversing with her via blimmin WhatsApp.

I think she is being sexist to assume I am going to be the one looking after her kids.

That's one hell of a leap.

I think she knows he has no one else to ask and that as he hasn’t asked her then he must have asked you.

Via WhatsApp isn’t the problem. I used to do that so I had a written record of what had been agreed.

The problem is that your DH didn’t ask her.

The issue here is that your DH shouldn't have assumed anything and should have asked her what was happening with the kids to start with. DH needs to speak to the children's mother and sort it out between them.

She isn't childcare because it's not her contact time. It's your DHs responsibility to sort it. She (wrongly) assumed that you'd look after the kids on his weekend while he's unavailable. Nothing sexist about it.

@SpiderFluff

The ex-partner has assumed you and your husband have discussed among yourselves and that you are looking after the kids. well she bloody well shouldn't assume this.

Well he didn't ask her and you've said yourself there's no one else, so of course she'd assume he's asked you - it's the only logical assumption and it's bizarre that you're so irate she'd make that assumption based on everything you've told us. What else do you think she should have assumed considering sitting childcare is the father's responsibility and he hasn't asked her?

You're angry with the wrong person. This is your DH's fuck up. I suspect he assumed you'd do it too if he didn't give you the choice by actually asking you.