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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

293 replies

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 18:27

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

OP posts:

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Simonjt · 26/12/2021 19:19

@SpiderFluff

It is an appointment that cannot be rescheduled. It has been a date she has known about for months.

So he’s had months to sort childcare, but hasn’t actually bothered to do anything about it.

Original poster

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 19:21

Do you think it would be odd if he asked mum's boyfriend if he's free? Feels odd to me

OP posts:

Birkenshock · 26/12/2021 19:26

Agree it is DHs problem to sort. So if this means asking ExW if she can cover and swap for another weekend etc, fine if she's willing to do so.

And if she's not, he has to cover it some alternative way, it's not up to her to sort. So he has to ask his family or pay for it.

If it means paying a childminder/nanny, also fine - just that it's his problem to sort. It's just that sometimes in a family, your DH having to pay £££ to cover childcare for a few days would affect your family finances, which is why sometimes step mum seems the default best option.

thisisit53 · 26/12/2021 19:28

I don't understand the responses you've had. He's having an operation which she's known about for weeks, so probably can't drive maybe even bed bound/light duties to recover. If you think about the logistics she's expecting you to drive back and forth to the hospital with your children and his, which surely isn't practical especially with covid.
Surely this is one of those circumstances that child care arrangements can't be 'normal' and mum would keep the children. Surely even seeing dad in pain or struggling after an op isn't ideal. Surely you couldn't take the children out to the park etc and leave him home alone after an operation?!

OddBoots · 26/12/2021 19:28

@SpiderFluff

Do you think it would be odd if he asked mum's boyfriend if he's free? Feels odd to me

That might be a bit odd to ask him to cover Dad's time, if is was Mum who needed childcare on her time then asking him would seem quite normal assuming the relationship was established and he was already involved in the child/ren's lives.

OurChristmasMiracle · 26/12/2021 19:29

He has had months to sort childcare. It’s not her responsibility on his time and he should have asked outright to swap weekends or whatever when he knew about the appointment not assumed she was okay with having them or that you was.

Tbh it sounds like a Mis communication he said “I won’t be at home x dates so won’t be looking after the kids”
She’s said “ok” assuming he’s arranging for you or someone else to do so.

Original poster

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 19:29

@Birkenshock thank you. Yeah his problem to sort I agree yes. It's just more stress I didn't need to suddenly be put on the spot like that. I was like erm.. am I? It will affect his finances but not mine. Not really my problem. Get your point though in some families it would be a problem.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 26/12/2021 19:29

Looking after the dscs is just as much not your responsibility/problem as it is grandparents, aunties, uncles, next door neighbour, etc…

I don’t agree with this assumption that stepmums will automatically be the ones to look after men’s children when the men are unavailable. Especially if the mum is available and they could be with her.

Is the appointment on a day when holiday clubs are on? Could dsc go there for the day?

KylieKoKo · 26/12/2021 19:32

If dp was ill the girls would stay with their mum. When his mum has been ill, had work issues that meant she can't look after them or even when she's just wanted a night out on "her" time dp has always done it. I thought this was normal.

Surely most separated parents would pick up the slack for the other if one is in hospital.

funinthesun19 · 26/12/2021 19:37

Do you think it would be odd if he asked mum's boyfriend if he's free? Feels odd to me

This would be a really bad move.
Not only is it cheeky to ask him, but it would open a huge a can of worms if he was to agree to it and would put you in a position of being expected to have to help the mum out at some point. I wouldn’t even go there.

Goldbar · 26/12/2021 19:38

Sorry, what's the problem here?

Why can't their dad book a babysitter?

I had a hospital appointment a few months ago when DC wasn't at nursery, my DH didn't want to take time off work since it was busy, nursery didn't have a space on that day - so we booked a babysitter.

Why is booking a babysitter beyond your DH?

Tulips21 · 26/12/2021 19:40

@frazzledasarock

Nope I wouldn’t take time off to babysit.

The biological parents are the default carers and if one or the other is busy the parent who’s contact time it is should organise childcare. First refusal should go to the other parent.

Agree

Bellsandwhistle · 26/12/2021 19:41

I think there’s been a misunderstanding/poor communication. A lot depends on age of child and how long you’d have to look after her for. I do think when you marry a man with a child you have to factor a bit of this in as he comes with his child. I do think his contact is primarily for him but she is also your family once you marry him.

negomi90 · 26/12/2021 19:44

I think he needs to apologise to his ex for the poor communication and say that you can't do it and then ask very nicely what she'd rather happen. Would she prefer looking after the children herself that weekend or for him to find other childcare a childminder/other relative.
She may say she would rather have them and your problems would be solved. She may tell him to sort childcare which he then needs to do.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 26/12/2021 19:49

@thisisit53

I don't understand the responses you've had. He's having an operation which she's known about for weeks, so probably can't drive maybe even bed bound/light duties to recover. If you think about the logistics she's expecting you to drive back and forth to the hospital with your children and his, which surely isn't practical especially with covid. Surely this is one of those circumstances that child care arrangements can't be 'normal' and mum would keep the children. Surely even seeing dad in pain or struggling after an op isn't ideal. Surely you couldn't take the children out to the park etc and leave him home alone after an operation?!

Wtf? Why is the mother in this scenario expected to think about the logistics at all? Surely her involvement is ex is having an operation and, as an equal parent and competant adult, has arranged suitable childcare’ is actually all she is expected to think.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 26/12/2021 19:49

Ffs *competent

Original poster

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 19:51

@negomi90

I think he needs to apologise to his ex for the poor communication and say that you can't do it and then ask very nicely what she'd rather happen. Would she prefer looking after the children herself that weekend or for him to find other childcare a childminder/other relative. She may say she would rather have them and your problems would be solved. She may tell him to sort childcare which he then needs to do.

I think yeah he needs to say ah misunderstanding very sorry. But if she would rather have them she should have said by now not just sent an "ok". It's fine he can get a babysitter for the weekend. I'll take little one to my parent's and move in with them for the duration so there will be no temptation to drop them off on me.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2021 19:51

[quote SpiderFluff]@NeverDropYourMooncup yeah I think you've hit the nail on the head. He's been rubbish at communicating. Still don't know why she's assumed I'm doing it but get the point the bigger picture is he shouldn't assume she's doing it. Never mind. If she won't do it then they'll just have to have a childminder which will be shit for them but I can't time time off work to watch someone else's kids I don't thing? The dependents leave has to be for your own child?[/quote]
But that's the point. It's his contact time. He nerds to sort someone. If he's ASKED his partner and she's said no, then he needs to ask family or he needs to sort childcare. Not sure what the protocol would be for finding overnight care for them that's paid but it is on him to either ASK his partner or ASK his ex. Not just assume a woman will sort him

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/12/2021 19:52

His time his responsibility to sort.

My ex was told the same in court. The mum is not the default childcare. If she offers then fine but you cant assume. It's your DH problem.

Original poster

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 19:54

@Willyoujustbequiet

His time his responsibility to sort.

My ex was told the same in court. The mum is not the default childcare. If she offers then fine but you cant assume. It's your DH problem.

Yup that's fine and I get this but I am most certainly not the default childcare either so she shouldn't assume I am looking after the kids either.

OP posts:

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 26/12/2021 19:54

Still don't know why she's assumed I'm doing it but get the point the bigger picture is he shouldn't assume she's doing it
Presumably, since he has had months to sort he, she assumed he had sorted it.

Op, what you actually need to do at this point is stop blaming the mother who is blameless in this and focus on what happens next. You need to tell your dh you cannot take time off and tell him he needs to actually sort childcare.

turnaroundtime · 26/12/2021 19:55

@SpiderFluff

It is an appointment that cannot be rescheduled. It has been a date she has known about for months.

You mean it's a date HE'S known about for months. Why do you keep putting this on her/you admit that you and your DP ASSUMED she would have the DC but that is not the same as her saying she would. If your DP has not confirmed with her or arranged something then it's not on her, it's on HIM. And your example of death is just ridiculous. Of course she would step in then as she would be the only parent

Original poster

SpiderFluff · 26/12/2021 19:57

Presumably, since he has had months to sort he, she assumed he had sorted it. yes but she has assumed I am doing it.

OP posts:

turnaroundtime · 26/12/2021 19:57

Yup that's fine and I get this but I am most certainly not the default childcare either so she shouldn't assume I am looking after the kids either.

She is fully entitled to assume SOMEONE is looking after the DC as it is their father's responsibility to arrange childcare. She may have incorrectly assumed it was you but she was not incorrect in assuming it was someone your DP arranged it with

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 26/12/2021 20:02

@turnaroundtime

Yup that's fine and I get this but I am most certainly not the default childcare either so she shouldn't assume I am looking after the kids either.

This. Again. It isnt her fault. She assumed he had sorted it. It is natural to assume he would still want them in their home. But it doesnt matter what she assumed. What matters is what your dh assumed, aNd that is that someone else would step up and parent for him. Im quite surprised you still refuse to acknowledge he was the problem here.

And the fact that you think he wont sort it so youll have to actually move out of your home for that time is very telling.

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