Who is the default carer if DH can't do it?

[SpiderFluff]

Is it their other parent? Who is 100% all the time their parent even when it is not their contact time.

Or is it me? Who married their dad?

Basically DH has a scheduled appointment. We've been bumbling along assuming mum would look after the kids and she has assumed I will be looming after them? I have my own life, child and job to deal with she has a few hours here and there and they are HER kids!

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I be the one who takes time off for their kids?

If the dad has said he cannot have the children then she should assume as the mum that the children are hers that weekend

Why? What if she has a medical appointment? What if she’s working? What if she has something to do that cannot be re-arranged? Why is it her responsibility to sort the problem out? She is not her ex’s secretary, she doesn’t manage his diary, she has her own responsibilities to see to. Expecting the ex to pick up your slack without proper discussion is nothing other than unacceptable.

I do accept the point that he mentioned it to mum and I know if my ex had done that to me, I would have clarified with him what his expectations were but I would expect him to make arrangements if I was unable to help. He wouldn’t, of course, because he considers me his unpaid childcare - exactly why I spent years paying for childcare I didn’t actually need 90% of the time to accommodate his meetings/holidays/can’t be bothered days because I was supposed to drop everything at a moment’s notice which I just couldn’t do. Totally unreasonable whichever way you look at it. His days, his responsibility.

@mummytotwoboys0600

That's not how it works with a Child Arrangement Order in place. My ex was given a thorough dressing down by our judge in family court for presuming I was a default carer in his contact time.
His time, his responsibility to make arrangements

I think it's due to too many NRPs taking the piss basically and abusive exes using childcare as a method of control and continuation of abuse.

@Willyoujustbequiet
I can understand under a contract order that's how it may work but it doesn't suggest there is one in this situation.
As a mum I would have my children in any situation where my child's dad can't. As a step mum and as a step mum I wouldn't be having my step children in this scenario, I would assume their mother would.

So rather than have your dc with you & be there to reassure them as their df is in hospital you would all rather leave them to it - just to prove a point? Just to prove your ex can't control you?

I don’t understand the responses here either.

I AM the default carer for my son. At all times. I’m his mother. All the time. That’s how it works. If his dad can’t have him for whatever reason, then it falls to me. I wouldn’t expect or want him to search around for someone to palm DS off on just so I can have ‘time off’. Is that sometimes bloody inconvenient? Yes. But it’s how it is.

Would I be annoyed if he were ditching contact with DS to go to the pub at the last minute? Obviously. And I’d tell him as much. But if he wanted to go on holiday and gave me reasonable notice, I’d have no issue whatsoever rearranging contact to accommodate that. Or something similar. The father here is not even doing something fun. He’s having a bloody operation. I cannot for an instant imagine seeing that as a ‘not my time; not my problem’ scenario.

It amazes me how often the responses on here are of the ‘he’s their father all the time’ (whenever it suits the ‘kick the SM’ theme) but somehow their mother not only needs but deserves time off. They’re not her responsibility on ‘his time’. How could anyone dare suggest she’s a mother all the time?

It just makes no sense. Is it only fathers who are ‘parents all the time’ in MN rhetoric?

@BadlyFormedQuestion spot on.

I'm a SM but also a mum and if my ex needed a operation of course I would expect to have my DD.

Weird MN logic that SM mustn't step on any parental lines or be able to discipline a child in her own house but magically when it's convenient can become a glorified babysitter and expected to look after SC.

It's one thing if she's actually happy to (by actually happy to I mean offers and not through guilt ect) but she doesn't become defacto you must do x.

Crackers

But if he wanted to go on holiday and gave me reasonable notice, I’d have no issue whatsoever rearranging contact to accommodate that. Or something similar. The father here is not even doing something fun. He’s having a bloody operation. I cannot for an instant imagine seeing that as a ‘not my time; not my problem’ scenario

I am not suggesting saying no for the sake of it, flexibility is obviously key when co-parenting. However, you cannot presume your ex will always be able to be flexible or that she can just take time off or magic up childcare if needed. It seems to me that some people can’t accept that when separated, you are no longer working as a team and your life is built around whatever arrangements have been agreed. Not all things can be dropped or rearranged, particularly at short notice.

It amazes me how often the responses on here are of the ‘he’s their father all the time’ (whenever it suits the ‘kick the SM’ theme) but somehow their mother not only needs but deserves time off. They’re not her responsibility on ‘his time’. How could anyone dare suggest she’s a mother all the time?

You spectacularly miss the point. My experience is a good example - on what basis should I have been having to pay for permanent childcare on my ex’s time because I needed to be a reliable employee every week of the year? Why is his need to be in an early/late meeting more important than mine? Why is his need to be a reliable employee more important than mine? Why is his work availability more important than mine? Why do you expect me to pick up his slack when it is his agreed time to be with the children? Because I’m their mum I must forgo my own career because my ex chooses to be unreliable? Should I be paying out thousands a year in childcare so he can do what he wants?!

I agree. Mums are mums 100% of the time just as much as dads are.

So rather than have your dc with you & be there to reassure them as their df is in hospital you would all rather leave them to it - just to prove a point? Just to prove your ex can't control you?

I agree it makes no sense. Ultimately just punishing the child. Proving that point is probably also bitterly fuelled by the fact that the father has a partner “who can do it”.

When I was with my ex and he was very ill in hospital for 2 weeks, dsc was with their mum because that’s what was the right thing to happen. To some people, it shouldn’t have been her problem and it all should have fallen on to me.

@Sowhatifiam

But if he wanted to go on holiday and gave me reasonable notice, I’d have no issue whatsoever rearranging contact to accommodate that. Or something similar. The father here is not even doing something fun. He’s having a bloody operation. I cannot for an instant imagine seeing that as a ‘not my time; not my problem’ scenario

I am not suggesting saying no for the sake of it, flexibility is obviously key when co-parenting. However, you cannot presume your ex will always be able to be flexible or that she can just take time off or magic up childcare if needed. It seems to me that some people can’t accept that when separated, you are no longer working as a team and your life is built around whatever arrangements have been agreed. Not all things can be dropped or rearranged, particularly at short notice.

It amazes me how often the responses on here are of the ‘he’s their father all the time’ (whenever it suits the ‘kick the SM’ theme) but somehow their mother not only needs but deserves time off. They’re not her responsibility on ‘his time’. How could anyone dare suggest she’s a mother all the time?

You spectacularly miss the point. My experience is a good example - on what basis should I have been having to pay for permanent childcare on my ex’s time because I needed to be a reliable employee every week of the year? Why is his need to be in an early/late meeting more important than mine? Why is his need to be a reliable employee more important than mine? Why is his work availability more important than mine? Why do you expect me to pick up his slack when it is his agreed time to be with the children? Because I’m their mum I must forgo my own career because my ex chooses to be unreliable? Should I be paying out thousands a year in childcare so he can do what he wants?!

So you’d never ask him to look after your children because you needed an operation? You wouldn’t expect him to sort things out so that you could have medical treatment?

You wouldn’t be saying: ‘he’s got annual leave, he can take parental leave, he’s had notice to do so. He’s a father all the time not just according to a timetable.’?

If you have kids with a useless pain in the arse (and I did have a baby with a man I’ve come to realise since having that baby is exactly that), then yes, you will end up bearing all the responsibility. No court order or contact arrangement will change that. Because as the resident parent, you do end up with them by default.

@Sowhatifiam I'm a mum and I have a useless Ex and your totally right it's not fair for your ex to dump the childcare on you.

But by that logic it's not fair to dump childcare on to someone else (step parent) as they didn't sign up to be default childcare for your ex or you. Being angry that SM won't do this is shifting the blame onto a easier target this is what the previous poster was referring too.

When they got together she didn't become second mum, she wasn't there at point of conception and she has no parental responsibility to step up where your ex falls down. Many of us do (I'm also a SM) because I know being a mum is hard and I actively want to have a good relationship with my SM for my children and hers. We aren't on opposite sides of the fence, we are on the same dammed side. Mum life is hard without playing the not it game with children.

But at the end of the day I created my DD with my ex who is a knob, he's consistently a knob and messes around with childcare and yes I take the hit - it is unfair. When you make a child with a person you should in my eyes remain a team for the child if possible, as that's what's best for the child. My ex is not opposition, to be tnrawthed or a score card tallies. I help him and he helps me and our child benefits.

This helps that we have both put aside our differences/emotions and stayed on the same team. It was hard and our break up was messy, painful involving him cheating and the loss of a child, and financial mess. We made it work so I know it can be done (the expectation to the rule is abuse which you cannot coparent with a abuser).

Sometimes you have to take the emotion out of it and the it's unfair because life is incredibly unfair. I know this better than anyone. You have to play the hand you are dealt. It's ok to be frustrated just have to be frustrated at the right person in my view.

Being angry that SM won't do this is shifting the blame onto a easier target

Please do show me where I have said it is the SM’s responsibility. I haven’t. I have maintained throughout this is the father’s responsibility.

You are lucky to be able to co-parent. That isn’t something we are all able to do. No, I wouldn’t expect my ex to help out if I had to go into hospital because simple fact of the matter is he wouldn’t. It would be up to me to sort it.

No, I wouldn’t expect my ex to help out if I had to go into hospital because simple fact of the matter is he wouldn’t. It would be up to me to sort it.

And that’s shit of him. Because a straight up “no not my problem” is shit. Whether you’re the mum or the dad.

I appreciate you are stressed and have a lot on your plate.

However, saying you aren't going to look after your stepchildren as they aren't your responsibility when you husband is in hospital doesn't sit comfortably with me.

It sounds like you are just angry with your husbands ex and won't let her get one up on you. It isn't fair on the kids.

My husband looks after my son if I'm not well. If my husband hadn't been prepared to care for my son as if he was his own then I wouldn't have stayed with him!

@Sowhatifiam we are agreement then 😵‍💫. I was simply saying is if the dad can't look after the kids the next in line is unfortunately mum and tbh via versa. This has been posted on step parent board by a SM who has had this expected of her and often the theme is dad can't do it and mum shouldn't have to do it where is the spare part that is the step parent.

The question the op asked if dad is in hospital - who is next in line and sadly that's mum.

And luck has had very little to do with me co parenting with my ex (some what peacefully), who I have mentioned is a bell end at times. It took work both sides and a vast amount of flexibility to get to this stage. I'm sorry your ex wouldn't help, I'm also well aware that men can change post birth of a child and get even more dammed lazy. However when you have a kid with someone like that you do unfortunately become the decfacto catch the kids.

It sounds like you are just angry with your husbands ex and won't let her get one up on you. It isn't fair on the kids.

And yet people are saying the ex shouldn’t have to look after her own kids, as that would be her ex husband getting one up on her.

Maybe op is angry at the ex because of the thought of her looking after the kids when the ex could be doing it. And I understand that 100%.

Like you said, the op is stressed and has a lot on her plate. Hence why she’s not jumping at the chance to look after the dsc.

It sounds like you are just angry with your husbands ex and won't let her get one up on you. It isn't fair on the kids.

I would be angry at anyone doing this, including my SC mum if I was assumed childcare default children . When I got married to DH I didn't say oh and I'm signing up to providing childcare at any point at any time for any reason without being asked because society has cast me in that role.

If I'm asked like a human being with needs and life of my own, being sure. If it's assumed that I will take on that childcare just because it's a firm no.

I don't automatically assume anyone will have my DD if I'm hospital because people have lives. I would ask because just because someone's a step mum, they don't become less of a human.

I also get on well with my DSC so no hate for her, just we have mutual respect for each other. The lines are there for a reason.

I also get on well with my DSC so no hate for her, just we have mutual respect for each other. The lines are there for a reason.

That’s just it isn’t. People are so quick to assume that you must hate your dsc if you aren’t prepared to do certain things.

I’d rather my children have a happy stepmum who has agreed beforehand on she has been asked politely to do (knowing she had no obligation to do so). Than have one who has things pushed on to her time and time again out of principle of being with a man with children and she is burnt out and unhappy. The parentS might benefit from having a stepmum around who is treated like that, but it sure doesn’t benefit the children or the stepmum.

I hope the OP goes to her parent’s.

@funinthesun19

I also get on well with my DSC so no hate for her, just we have mutual respect for each other. The lines are there for a reason.

That’s just it isn’t. People are so quick to assume that you must hate your dsc if you aren’t prepared to do certain things.

I’d rather my children have a happy stepmum who has agreed beforehand on she has been asked politely to do (knowing she had no obligation to do so). Than have one who has things pushed on to her time and time again out of principle of being with a man with children and she is burnt out and unhappy. The parentS might benefit from having a stepmum around who is treated like that, but it sure doesn’t benefit the children or the stepmum.

I hope the OP goes to her parent’s.

Right. It's weird how when your a step mum suddenly your not a person. I hope op goes to her parents to tbh !