Step mum involvement at wedding

[weddingdilemmma]

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

I personally think your mum has lost enough.
Dress shopping is a special time for you and her.

Same with the hen do really, I couldn't bare my mum being uncomfortable there. I suppose it depends what kind of hen do it is though, if you're having loads and loads of people going then it wouldn't be as bad, but 10 or so people I think would just be uncomfortable.

I certainly wouldn't have her at the top table.. she isn't your mother!? She should 100% be sat at a normal table with your dads side.

It sounds like your SM is problematic and likes to get her way no matter what. Your mum sounds wonderful and like she only wants what's best for you.

I've only read the OP as that's the important post. I would put mum first in everything. She is the one that goes dress shopping with you, not your SM. If she doesn't want to go to the hen do then you can consider inviting SM but only if she stops the needy shit. I don't feel it is right to treat your SM and SD - if you have one - as equal parents to your actual parents. Your SM might have helped care for you but this is your wedding day and your mum will have been thinking about that for forever and she shouldn't have to have it spoilt because your dad was a cheat. For all your mum putting you first I think top billing at your wedding is her thank you. Putting SM on the top table is just not it.

Thanks everyone!

You've all confirmed exactly what I already wanted to do - and will do!!

I deliberately wanted to post on this board to see how other SMs would feel about it and you all sound great, so thanks very much!

As much as it's a day for me and DP, I really want it to be special for my DM too. SM will be involved and made to feel welcome but big in a mother type role

Feeling relieved and starting to feel excited again as I've been feeling quite anxious over this!

Re: ditching the top table is that what the OP actually wants?

I understand it's personal choice and that a TT doesn't work for everyone but some people like the idea.

I did and it was nice to have the "main players" (especially those making speeches) all sat together where everyone could see them.

I suppose I also liked the fact that it made those people who we cared about the most have a place in the "spotlight".

That probably why SM wants the be there, but a heathy dose of reality isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Her insecurity isn't the OP's issue, nor is any ill feeling with her fathers family.

I'm very aware my relationship (however much I love them, have cared for them, long standing the relationship) is "one step" pun intended removed and is forged indirectly through my DH. They have a mother and I don't get to share/usurp that role any more than I'd tolerate anyone else doing that in respect of my child.

In this case the TT actually offers a solution by sticking to protocol, something other options don't offer.

So as long as some accommodation is made to ensure the SM is sitting with people she likes (see my post above in investing in invitations for a couple of friends) then this resolves that issue nicely.

She can't say she's being left alone/ignored. Tradition excludes her and the OP has been kind to ensure she's seated with people whose company she enjoys - for a few hours only, after which she can be with her husband as much as she pleases.

She’s not your mother so I can’t see why she’d expect to share MOB duties. You have a mother, those are her privileges.

I don’t know why anyone with divorced parents does the top table thing, it’s old fashioned anyway and completely unnecessary.

Your mum is being accommodating because she is a good person who loves her daughter and doesn't want you to feel caught in the middle of a situation not of your making. But of course she will be really hurt if you hand over her MotB duties to your dad's wife. Do not do this! You will regret it later.

Your SM's insecurities are not yours to worry about. Send the invitation, say 'hope you can make it', then forget about it. Who the hell demands a role at someone else's wedding?

Cross poster OP.

Glad you are feeling clearer/better.

Good luck with the wedding

Hi OP, my mum died when I was young so we lacked the 'trad' parental set up too, though for different reasons.

We handled it by going non-trad! No top table, all circle tables of the same size, with me and DH and the best men and best women :) on our table - no parents. Then a nice mix of people on the other tables, no 'his/mine' but just people we knew liked each other and/or would get on well. (And there was a 'hinterland' table of awful rels I felt I had to invite but hate! Ha ha!)

I dress shopped with my best friend and had sisters come to a late fitting. Less voices is helpful in that scenario, in my opinion! I'd keep that just you and your mum and not tell anyone when it happens.

FWIW my dad rebounded into a new relationship quickly which (though pretty toxic IMHO) has lasted. His new wife hates any mention of my mum. She's very jealous and insecure and she can't/won't hide it. With some people these feelings are sort of primal and not rational - my advice would be to just accept that's how your SM feels and don't try to "understand' it. Not your problem to solve.

Wish you a lovely wedding!

I have a similar family situation, op, though with a little more tension...

I've always made it very clear, that however much I love my step mother, my mums role in my life is completely protected and my step mum shouldn't expect to get the same 'perks'

So she won't be doing any of the mother of the bride roles at my wedding, and I even intend to give my mum a more prominent role than tradition dictates. I'd like to find a way to include my step mum, I just haven't worked out how as I'd like to keep the day very simple. The bouquet idea from a pp sounds good.

Thing is, as others have said, it's your wedding and you can do it anyway you want to. If your step mums issues are likely to cause you stress then I would sit her and your dad down beforehand and explain that it's nothing against her but she won't be occupying a mother of the bride type role - anymore than a step father would walk you down the aisle.*

I'd also say that you know the day might be difficult for all of them and you really hope they can put aside any residual feelings and support you to have a happy, carefree day safe in the knowledge that you intend no slights to anyone.

Dress shopping / hen party /witnessing etc all traditional mum roles go to your wonderful mum who sounds like she's bloody earned it 15x over.

Myself, I'd sit my step mum with my dad but out of eye line of mum but not suggesting you do the same, you've had some great thoughts here.

*a couple of caveats:
I think maybe you don't feel as warmly to your step mum as I do, but for diplomacy's sake I'd gloves over that for now!

And I'm not suggesting that it's unthinkable for anyones step dad to walk them down the aisle, before any readers take offence. Just that the op hasn't indicated anyone but her dad will fulfil traditional father of the bride role.

@Bananarama21

I wouldn't have her at the hen do and dress shopping that is something a mother and daughter should share together. Have her at the wedding but on another table. You dm aounds amazing but enjoy that time together without the ow being there to tarnish it.

This is the best solution. Your mum should not have to share this special time with you

Seems like your step mother has some sort of hold over you?, why fear her after what she did,she was and still seems to be a nasty piece of work. Why should you ditch the top table because you are nervous of her reaction and it doesn't end there,what will happen with christenings and communions ,school plays etc.
Your mother seems like a very kind and good mother and my opinion is she should be at the top table and put your father and the step woman(not step mother)some where down the middle of the floor.Please do not give that woman any reason to feel she deserves to be at the top table.
They caused your mother so much heartache why let them repeat it

@weddingdilemmma Personally I'd not invite her and not have her involved in dress shopping, hen night or anything else! She wrecked your Mum's entire world... However I am biased as I am your Mum in all of this! This is what happened to me and I'm still furious years & years later! I'd be devastated if I had to attend my DD's wedding with that vile woman there! Thankfully that will never be the case for me, but that is how I would feel.

A friend of mine had 3 small hen dos with the different close groups of friends/family in her life to prevent any awkwardness - it worked really well and everyone had a great time!

BTW lots of children have step mother's/father's and they are do kind and good living but in the ops situation it is very different

This makes me both so mad and sad... I didn't have a wedding as I knew I'd be so anxious on the day worrying about WWIII erupting and who wouldn't feel comfortable. I still resent it 20 years later. When they were having affairs they weren't bothered much by the impact it was having on us, so why the hell should we be so concerned about their feelings on the day that is supposed to be about US. Please OP, do what you like and have a great day, and who cares if your DF and SM split up anyway.

The mother of the bride duties are for your dm, not your sm. No need for her to share the mob duties when you already have a lovely dm. You go dress shopping alone with dm. You invite dm to hen do and top table. If sm isn't happy then so what? She doesn’t have to go to the hen do. She can sit elsewhere at the wedding breakfast. It’s your day and there’s no need to try to make everyone happy.

I think this is the event you put you and your husband first.

I'd be hard pushed to want her at my hen do or dress shopping but I could be persuaded to have a meal with just her before the wedding.

I think the top table is becoming far less common. How about just the bride and groom and put people in family and friends groups?

Seems like your step mother has some sort of hold over you?, why fear her after what she did,she was and still seems to be a nasty piece of work.

I'm actually only realising this is how it comes across since writing this post. I think it's more my dad that has a hold over me and I'm worrying about upsetting him by upsetting SM if that makes sense.

I did a bit of therapy a year or so ago and I never realised how much of a people pleaser I have been, right back to childhood. I never really felt this way with my mum but constantly tried to impress my dad and win his approval.

Even thinking back as a child and a teenager I was much better behaved and more respectful around dad and SM but I'm now seeing it as I felt the need to impress my dad whereas I was truly myself around my mum. I guess my relationship with my dad has always felt a bit less secure than that with my mum

@weddingdilemmma

Thanks everyone!

You've all confirmed exactly what I already wanted to do - and will do!!

I deliberately wanted to post on this board to see how other SMs would feel about it and you all sound great, so thanks very much!

As much as it's a day for me and DP, I really want it to be special for my DM too. SM will be involved and made to feel welcome but big in a mother type role

Feeling relieved and starting to feel excited again as I've been feeling quite anxious over this!

You want it to be special for your DM, so you're involving your SM?

[quote Almostmenopausal]@weddingdilemmma Personally I'd not invite her and not have her involved in dress shopping, hen night or anything else! She wrecked your Mum's entire world... However I am biased as I am your Mum in all of this! This is what happened to me and I'm still furious years & years later! I'd be devastated if I had to attend my DD's wedding with that vile woman there! Thankfully that will never be the case for me, but that is how I would feel. [/quote]
Sorry to hear that @Almostmenopausal It must be so hard.

I have so much respect for how my mum handled it but I always worry if this is how she truly feels

@Haggisfish3

Dress shopping I’d take mum to and invite step mum to see chosen dress separately.

OP only needs to share this moment with her dm. She doesn’t need to go dress shopping with sm who hates dm. This is OP’s day, not sm’s.

@weddingdilemmma I'd bet my bottom penny it is. But then I would say that. The fury has never, ever wained. Not even slightly and he's dead now

*@Almostmenopausal You want it to be special for your DM, so you're involving your SM?
*
Sorry there was a typo in my last post.
I want it to be special for my mum and will make sure she is solely involved in all mob activities/roles.
SM will be invited but treated as any other guest and if she doesn't like it tough!

The reason she is invited is that she's been my dads partner for 25 years and has been part of my life, although never really a mother figure

[quote weddingdilemmma]*@Almostmenopausal You want it to be special for your DM, so you're involving your SM?
*
Sorry there was a typo in my last post.
I want it to be special for my mum and will make sure she is solely involved in all mob activities/roles.
SM will be invited but treated as any other guest and if she doesn't like it tough!

The reason she is invited is that she's been my dads partner for 25 years and has been part of my life, although never really a mother figure [/quote]
Ah gotcha! Good luck with the conversation you now have to have. Maybe hold something small your mum has given you, whilst you're telling SM? That can remind you that it's for your Mum that you're doing this - and you of course.

Fellow people pleaser who is finding her voice!

I think it's your dad you have to speak to. SM might have replaced your mum in his life, but your mum is still your mum, and SM doesn't come close in importance, however well you get on with her. And he really needs to understand this.

Your wedding day is your day, and extraordinarily important also to the mother who bore you and brought you up. As others have said, your SM is the equivalent of a favourite aunt. No way should your dad expect her to share the duties of your own mother on your wedding day.