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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step mum involvement at wedding

248 replies

weddingdilemmma · 08/12/2021 20:29

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

OP posts:
Lockdowninfinity · 08/12/2021 21:32

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Largethighsbadeyes · 08/12/2021 21:35

Put your mum first and do what you feel happy with. Everyone else can bog off IMO

Chloemol · 08/12/2021 21:35

I would do the dress as just you and your mum

I wouldn’t do a top table, put you mum with her family, your dad and SM with his

I wouldn’t have a hen, but if I did I would take account of my mums feelings, or do one just with friends

gogohm · 08/12/2021 21:36

I would suggest that no she doesn't sit at the top table, if easier don't have a top table or just best man and bridesmaids. For the hen, it would be nice to invite her as long as your mum is ok with it, for dress shopping I would suggest not, say to sm I'm going with mum and ... but then share a photo afterwards as a compromise. I would never expect to go dress shopping or sit on the top table but I would like to think I could go to a hen with dp's dd later mum (not ow btw!!!) at the wedding I'd expect to be seated with exw's dp

GeorgeTheFirst · 08/12/2021 21:37

Great post from @breadincaptivity

sassbott · 08/12/2021 21:41

You sound lovely as does your mum. Bless you both.

If I was in your mums shoes (and I could have been if my exh had stayed with his exp), then I would like to think I would say the following to my children. Have your day, do what will make you happy and I will be there with you enjoying every part of your amazing day as your mum. Because the truth is no one can replace me.

If this woman has been a huge part of your life (and she has), she has been kind and loving to you, I would understand her being there and would put my own ego/ wants to one side.

In terms of your SM, her issues with your dads family/ how she has been treated? That is not for you to solve for, nor is it your problem. That’s her problem and your dads problem, no one else’s.
Every action has a consequence and this is clearly her consequence to deal with.

sassbott · 08/12/2021 21:41

In summary. Do what will make you happy. Your mum sounds as though she will be absolutely fine.

BreadInCaptivity · 08/12/2021 21:42

@Largethighsbadeyes

Put your mum first and do what you feel happy with. Everyone else can bog off IMO

Not sure how helpful that is tbh.

It's not going to be a nice day if all hell breaks out in the run up with her father/SM.

That doesn't mean giving in to every whim.

It's about being reasonable in recognition that she's the long standing wife of her father, but that this fact doesn't mean she gets to usurp or even share the OP's mothers position.

I thought the idea of the corsage for the wedding party and including her was a good idea for example.

Fuuuuuckit · 08/12/2021 21:49

Both my BFF and I have been in exactly your shoes op - ow becoming new wife, over 20 years ago, still 'jostling' for position in the family iykwim.

Mum and bff/sister/bridesmaid for dress shopping. Low-key bridesmaids and girlfriends on hen do, that neither DM or SM would have participated in anyway.

As for seating plan. We both lived independently with our other halves before marriage so the big coming together of parents, it made no sense to have formal top tables. Mine was me, dh, ds, bridesmaid and best man (they were married to each other, our parents were on tables with other family. My BFF had friends couples sat with them on big round tables and parents dotted around, there was no sense of hierarchy.

If push comes to shove, she's your dad's wife, not your parent, so she should graciously accept (or decline) whatever parts of your wedding you invite her to share, and wherever you sit her to eat. You have to be happy with YOUR choices, not worry about if she's happy (or your mum or dad either tbh).

Change123today · 08/12/2021 21:50

I had a slightly similar story with my husband parents. My fil also went on to marry the lady he had an affair with - the only flip side is his Step-mum never said anything bad about his Mum - his Mum on the other end can’t stand to even hear the Step mums name mentioned.
We obviously didn’t want to upset his Mum but in the same way he does have a healthy relationship with his step Mum and she had been part of his life at that point for 25+ years and is the mother of his siblings.
The day went well his Step mum was there but very respectfully kept in the shadows so not to cause upset - we never asked her too she choose too. The only time his Mum got a little upset was family photo. My mil never remarried or had any more children so when his Dad and step mum family turn there was adult children and grandchildren so quite a big family - she did grumble saying that should have been her.
It’s odd your Step mother excepts to take a involved role, maybe just be honest if asked that my Mum is coming to dress fitting etc but I wouldn’t make a point of saying anything unless asked. It’s your day and obviously you want your mother involved?

Hapoydayz · 08/12/2021 21:51

I would do the dress shopping with my mum. Not sure why the SM would think she would be involved in this. I especially wouldn't let her have much involvement on the basis she was not nice about my mum. It's your day for you and your DH. Don't let someone trying to get one over on your mum ruin it when it sounds like she has already been the better person for decades.

Fuuuuuckit · 08/12/2021 21:52

*and unless you're wearing true virginal white on the day then to hell with the traditional top table anyway. Times change.

Ozanj · 08/12/2021 21:53

Ditch the ‘family’ top table. We just had me and DH on the family table and I put my close friends and family on tables near me and those who weren’t a bit further away, with the bridal party spread out across as ‘hosts’. You can then put a friend of yours on the table with SM and Dad to manage her & make sure they’re escorted out with minimal fuss if they create a scene.

As for the hen night, what do you want?

Ozanj · 08/12/2021 21:55

As for dress shopping…that is not really a SM activity. Even if you got on well it’s not something she should have any expectations over while your Mum is alive and you get on with her.

timeisnotaline · 08/12/2021 21:56

I would invite step mum given the length of time but no extras. She certainly wouldn’t be dress shopping with me. I’d tell at least my dad that I was concerned that step mum wasn’t particularly nice to my mum and I would prefer to evict her from the wedding than have my mum upset so he knows exactly where I stand. I’d consider saying that to step mum too but probably wouldn’t!

Hapoydayz · 08/12/2021 21:58

Would you want your mum to do a speech as also or would your SM be sneery about that? Is your dad doing a speech? Just wondering if he may then bring SM into that too much? Difficult situation, really feel for you and your mum having to deal with this on the back of other people's behaviour.

DifferentHair · 08/12/2021 21:59

Don't have a family or top table. Just don't do that, it's not a law that you need to have one.

SM doesn't come dress shopping. Just tell her 'I'm going with my mum'. She's not equivalent to your mother.

Also word up the photographer about what photos you want of who. So if she's hopping in key photos, the photographer will say 'ok, now we'll do some with just mum & dad' so you don't have to.

Totalwasteofpaper · 08/12/2021 22:00
  • I think 100% ditch top table
  • Don’t invite “older crowd” to your hen this side steps the mum vs Stepmother issue.
(I did this with my hen to side step my mil…I just had my friends which is very normal but some of the hen party was in my house and my mum joined for flower garlands and afternoon tea then scooted off… we kept the pics with her in off SM… we have been married a year it hasn’t come up)
Pompom2367 · 08/12/2021 22:01

It's your wedding do whatever makes you comfortable op the no top table sounds good

Mortgagetransfer · 08/12/2021 22:01

Not rtft sorry! My friend had a similar issue, she didn’t put her sm on the top table and separated her parents. The order was something like:

MOH groom Dad bride Mum Groom Bride bride Dad groom Mum BM

WitchDancer · 08/12/2021 22:04

When my niece got married she had a similar issue in that both her parents and her DH parents were separated. What she did was have the bridesmaids and best man on the top table and then each family had a table of their own, so four tables with each parent on each one with their relatives/new partners.

This could be an option for her?

DollyPartBaked · 08/12/2021 22:05

I agree separate your parents but SM on separate table and she just has to lump it.

Unless she's been a mother figure / you have that kind of relationship (sounds like you don't) she can't expect to be on the top table. If she objects it's her problem. I would explain to your dad first so he can prep her in advance though to avoid awkwardness.

Kinko · 08/12/2021 22:06

If you do traditional top table she wouldn't be sat next to your Dad anyway - parents need to split - so your Dad would be sat with your husbands Mum. Your Mum would be sat next to your Husband's Dad.

In some respects keeping things traditional can actually save a lot of issues. Just Google traditional top tables and when the question comes up - 'you are doing it traditionally'.

I would probably invite her on the hen do - it's quite a good way to get a measure of how she'll actually be on the day. But again, be traditional and have the older ones there for the parent friendly activities and then after go out with your mates (this so if it does go wrong it's just for a few hours and not the entire event).

Wedding dress shopping - personally it should be you and your Mum. You needn't even tell SM. If you're not organising an entourage it won't come up and when you find the dress - you can tell her, you just nipped into a shop and wound up finding the one. Also you can use covid as an excuse. Most wedding dress shops may only allow one extra person in. When I was dress shopping way before covid, they only allowed one person in because they just don't have the staff, time or space to deal with large groups of ppl.

Your Mum sounds like a hero!

SlipperTripper · 08/12/2021 22:06

My mum and SM get on really well (SM is dads THIRD wife, nothing to do with their divorce, which helps).

When I got married, I did dress shopping with mum and best friend, but my stepmum and sister came with me for a fitting.

On the day, mum and SM were both part of the getting ready malarkey - my 14yo sister was a bridesmaid, as were my 6 & 11yo DSDs, so SM was bloody amazing corralling them all! They both had spectacularly shite 'mother of the bride' and 'step mother of the bride' mugs, and I have a brilliant pic of the pair of them 'cheers-ing', with tea in their crappy mugs and hair in rollers 🤣

My mum and dad were at the top table, and I had a 'mum family' table immediately to the right and a 'dad family' table to the left - headed up by step mum and step dad, with grandparents, parent's respective best friends etc on. DH's parents were on the top table and his family table was in front.

DH did SM a thank you bouquet, same as my mum and MIL, both my mum and SM (MIL not so much 🤣) totally deserved them!

user1491404899 · 08/12/2021 22:09

Mum at top table. Step mum in crowd with relatives. Dress shopping for mum. None for step mum....that's just how it is! Your mum sounds lovely....your step mum not so much