Step mum involvement at wedding

[weddingdilemmma]

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

Oh no, I'd never not invite her. It just seems she and my dad expect her to play a mother type role.
Almost like sharing the mother of the bride duties

How traditional do you want your wedding? Personally I avoided all this stress by not having a traditional wedding.

Personally, I think it's quite obvious you do not want her to have a "mother" role. And that is completely appropriate. She isn't your mother.

Unless your DDad is paying for wedding, he doesn't get a say on all this.

I wouldn't invite her to the hen do as that's usually friends and bridesmaids only. Likewise I wouldn't invite her dress shopping as that's something I'd only want to do with my mum.

Well ditch the top table for starters, just sit with the people you want to sit with. And dress shopping is def for your mum and best friends. Maybe have a hen for friends, then take SM for lunch and to choose your shoes, or something small ( you don’t have to, but it would be fairly painless, and might keep her insecurities in check)

My DH and I got married a couple of years ago and there were complications due to his parents being separated.

We had a sweetheart table, in the middle of the room. Apparently it's not uncommon these days. It was us and our DC. I have also been to a wedding where it was a round table in the middle with bride and groom, MOH and best man and their partners. That was lovely. Much more fun than a traditional top table tbh.

Personally I would even invite SM since she can't be nice about / to your DM. So, if you do, that's all you need to do she doesn't need to have any sort of role.

Personally I'd just take your mum and a friend if you wanted, dress shopping.
I'd likely invite DSM on the hen night.

My mum and stepdad took me dress shopping.
FIL, dad, mum and stepdad came to a taster session.
Dad walked me down the aisle. Stepdad signed the certificate (I really wanted his name on there).
Only my sister was bridesmaid. Not my stepsister, although her daughter was flower girl.
The top table had to accommodate DSSs so we had no parents at it. Instead we sat them at other tables perpendicular to top table.

Thankfully they all get on and they don't conform to MNs idea of a blended family.

I'm going to speak with DSSs and let them know they don't have to worry about this stuff.

@Bananarama21

I wouldn't have her at the hen do and dress shopping that is something a mother and daughter should share together. Have her at the wedding but on another table. You dm aounds amazing but enjoy that time together without the ow being there to tarnish it.

This.

She has NO business near your hen or dress shopping.

She has NO business at the top table.

I think this is your day and I think you want to acknowledge your mother who has always been there for you.

I think you are right.

I don't think you have to continue to put up with your SM's digs at your mother.

How extraordinary that your mother, who never cheated on anyone, never crawled around lying to anyone, still can manage not to make digs at the OW, your SM.

Perhaps its time your SM was told to cut out her digs at your lovely mother.

My parents are divorced, dad remarried decades, everyone gets on. At my siblings weddings mum was on a table with friends, dad and SM likewise, couple at a table with friends/best man/bridesmaids. Worked well.

Ditch the top table. They are a pain anyway regardless of step family.

Personally I'd go dress shopping only with your mum. Your SM will have to deal with her own insecurity, that's not your problem or responsibility to fix for her.

Hen dos in my family at least do not involve any parents, only friends. If you're not firm about what you want now it'll only be worse closer to the wedding. Weddings often bring out the worst in jealous and insecure people!

I would definitely ditch the traditional top table if I was in your situation. Your Mum on one table with her family. Your Dad and SM on another table with your Dad’s side of the family. Your fiancés’ parents on another table with their family and you and your fiancé and the best man/groomsmen/bridesmaids on yet another table. Maybe have all circular tables so there isn’t one table that’s stands out from the others - we did that for our wedding anyway to fit the room better. I wouldn’t feel you have to invite her along to hen do or wedding dress fitting. I get the impression you don’t want but feel awkward saying that so have projected that onto what you feel would be better for your Mum. Your Mum been amazing by saying she will do whatever you want. If you can’t work out what you want then there likely will be a discrepancy between what you really want to do and what you think you ought to do.

You're all right! I do know what I want and feel like I'm too toeing around trying not to upset anyone.

My mum will always come first and although it sounds like I'm worried about upsetting my SM.
In reality, I'm more worried about the impact that upsetting her would have on my relationship with my dad. He's very defensive of her and I've only recently discovered they've nearly split up several times over the years due to how she feels about my dads side of the family and how they treat her

I think it's a long time passed (your poor mum) so I would invite step mum but no to the extras such as top table/hen night/dress shopping. Your mum needs you to make it special for her to have this role.

We ditched the top table because my DM died 3 months before we got married and my dad has never been in my life. So we just had a table for me and DH, then a table for PIL, SIL x2, BIL x2 and 3 kids. They only have to sit there for the meal so they can.

The original plan was still to have no top table but for PIL to "host" their immediate family table and for my dm to "host" our family table (her brother and sister, my cousins)

With regards to dress shopping, you take who you want! I only went with my dm and SIL who is my best friend and maid of honour - too many cooks and all that! Other SIL huffed about not being invited but even MIL asked her why she thought she should go!

For your hen do, again, is it the type of thing you'd want her to be at? I had 2! One with my friends planned by SIL (meal, cocktail making and a night out in town) then an afternoon tea for all the "older ladies" in the families, spread over a few tables so we could keep people separate when they weren't getting on.

You just have to please you, it's your wedding! And your mum sounds too lovely to say anything!

I didn't have exactly the same situation as you, but similar. Do you need/want a traditional top table? Due to DH's parents not being together we had a 'sweetheart table' - just my DH and I, along with a chair either side of us. During the speeches we said that the chairs were there for anyone to come and say hi during the meal. We stole the idea from a friend of ours, and people loved it! It also meant it started out with just the two of us to have a chat, as one of the rare opportunities we were alone together on the day (there's so much that goes on!) before people came up. We then just had round tables for everyone else and could sit parents on tables with friends - less stressful for everyone.

I’d certainly not go dress shopping with her, invite her to the hen night or have her on the top table. That is for the mothers and fathers of the bride and bridegroom, and the bridesmaids and best man.

Are you having a best man and is his wife/partner on the top table?

I don’t think you shouldn’t have a top table, if that’s what you planned, just to accommodate this woman! You have said you’re not particularly close to her, she’s not been a mother figure to you and she hates your mum who’s done nothing to her but be civil!

I wouldn’t be bullied by either your father or her. She sits with other family on the day or not at all.

In your situation, if would be important to me that my Mum, who’d been through such a lot with such decorum and strength and did all the hard work of raising me (not sure how much you stayed with your Dad growing up), got to enjoy the run up to and day of her daughter’s wedding without a woman who colluded in breaking up that daughters family possibly making things difficult or being bitchy. I’d want her involved as little as possible, so just on the day. If my Dad didn’t like it, meh.

I would 100% put my mum first.
SM needs to take a back seat and just attend the day as a guest.

I am a SM and I would expect the same. I would never want my SC to worry about this and I know my place.

As a mother, I couldn't imagine sharing mother duties for my DD. It would break my heart. Especially with the OW.

I would let her come to the wedding but wouldn't have a top table at all. If I were you I would have a table for you and your husband and the bridesmaids and best man and then have a table for your mum and her friends and family and a different table far far away for your dad and his new wife.

I wouldn't invite your stepmum to the hen do. That's a night for your mum to enjoy and she really won't enjoy it if your stepmother is there.

Do all the dress shopping and wedding planning with your own mum. If your stepmum kicks off I would tell her quite firmly that it's your mum's role.

@UserOfManyNames

I’d certainly not go dress shopping with her, invite her to the hen night or have her on the top table. That is for the mothers and fathers of the bride and bridegroom, and the bridesmaids and best man.

Are you having a best man and is his wife/partner on the top table?

I don’t think you shouldn’t have a top table, if that’s what you planned, just to accommodate this woman! You have said you’re not particularly close to her, she’s not been a mother figure to you and she hates your mum who’s done nothing to her but be civil!

I wouldn’t be bullied by either your father or her. She sits with other family on the day or not at all.

In your situation, if would be important to me that my Mum, who’d been through such a lot with such decorum and strength and did all the hard work of raising me (not sure how much you stayed with your Dad growing up), got to enjoy the run up to and day of her daughter’s wedding without a woman who colluded in breaking up that daughters family possibly making things difficult or being bitchy. I’d want her involved as little as possible, so just on the day. If my Dad didn’t like it, meh.

100% this!

Treat your sm as you would an aunt, she dies not get to go wedding dress shopping, looking at venues, tastings etc, all those little things that make organising a wedding special are just for you and your mother. Have your parents at the top table if you want one and seat one either side of the bride and groom preferably with your mother beside you, ask your father to ensure you sm doesn't try join. The top table etc, if necessary you can use a bit of guilt to ensure he does his bit to make sure she behaves (Tell him you don't want your mother made feel uncomfortable so many years after he cheated). You've a good mother, make sure she knows it and is treated like a queen and made feel really special on your wedding day.

* You seem more concerned about upsetting your SM. A woman who has an issue with your mum despite it being her and your father who turned hers and your world upside down. The gall of the woman thinking she would be coming to your hen and dress shopping. Does she think she would be taking place of your mum to these things? Your mum sounds lovely and I would be ensuring she was you who consider in this and stop worrying about upsetting your SM*

^This. I can’t believe you are giving consideration to your stepmother.

My parents were married until my Mum died so I haven't had this personally but have been to a few weddings where the parents were divorced. One had a top table with just the bride and groom, best man, bridesmaids that were the bride's sisters and usher who was the groom's brother. The parents were at separate tables with their own brothers or sisters so felt a like a family reunion.

Or ditch the traditional top table. I think Em's sweetheart table sounds lovely, especially the extra chairs.

I would talk to your Dad and explain that your Mum will be the one shopping with you for a wedding dress and so that means that SM will not be invited.

Dh was a best man at a wedding, I was given a corsage to denote I was part of the bridal party which I thought was lovely, so the groom's sister had one too and her husband. Maybe this is something you could do for your SM, part of the bridal party bit.

Different situation but similar in terms of concerned how much to accommodate step mother...
I chose not to have a top table, my choice as I didn't fancy it anyway, had a larger table in middle with dad & stepmother one side and my mum on other, also had husbands mum, dad, siblings etc
SM was not invited to dress fittings or hen, she may have been a part of my life through my dad but she is not my mum

Hi OP,

I'm a SM and whilst this issue hasn't arisen for me (yet) I can give you my perspective on what I think is appropriate.

1. Should she come to the wedding? Yes. She's been your fathers wife for 25 years and unless you want a big fallout with your father (and her) I think you need to invite her.

1. Should she sit at the top table? No. You should follow a traditional seating plan with your mother/father sitting at the top table next to the grooms parent (so your parents would not sit next to each other, rather next to the grooms mother/father. Then the best man, maid of honour.

I would follow this plan even if your mother had a partner. She might not like it, but can fall back on tradition and the fact your parents won't be seated next to each other. This is a day firstly about the bride/groom and next about parents.

I wouldn't expect to be at the top table in these circumstances. It's a Mother's day to shine next to the bride, not the SM's.

That said I'd seat her close to the top table and make sure she is next to people she knows and likes. If that means inviting a couple of friends of hers/your fathers then I'd consider that a good investment. She can't claim to have been left alone to fend fir herself and I'd also point out this part of the day is only a few hours. She can be with your father for all the rest of it.

1. Should she go to the hen do? No. Not if your mother is going. She takes priority here. Tbh I only had friends at by hen party and am a bit baffled by wanting mothers/aunts/grandparents but each to their own - but if you make it friends only then there's no issue here anyway.

1. Dress shopping? A hard, hard no here. This is a prerogative for your mother only. There should be no compromise here.

1. Think about photos in advance. Make clear what you want to your photographer. For example you might want a picture only with your mother/father and another separate one with your father/SM and one just with your mother. Let the photographer call the people he wants in each photo so you don't get involved in any drama.

1. Overall, my advice is to make your decisions and stick to them. Don't get distracted by complaints or upset. Be factual and following tradition will help you out in most cases.

Being a SM isn't a free pass to insert yourself into the role of mother. She should not expect to be treated as such.

She is your fathers wife and thus should be part of the day and treated well, but this isn't her day in the limelight.

I'd also suggest ditching the traditional to table. Similar issues with DHs parents. We had a table for MILs family, one for FILs family, one for my parents and my aunts/uncles. Then me and DH day with best man, chief bridesmaid and their partners plus my DB and his girlfriend. Worked really well.

Just prioritise your mum. If you’re doing the traditional top table then traditionally it’s parents (not step parents). So stick with that, same with dress shopping. You are potentially going to try so hard not to upset SM that you upset mother, even if she won’t say it.

SM doesn’t have to be treated the same, her and your dad will have to accept it and get on with it.
I’d probably invite her to a Hen do, but otherwise ignore any hints, don’t mention dress shopping, or the seating arrangements. If they ask say she can’t be on the top table as it’s just parents.
Hope you can make your decisions then stick to them. Be firm and don’t be guilt tripped into changing what is YOUR wedding.

I wouldn't invite your stepmum to the hen do. That's a night for your mum to enjoy and she really won't enjoy it if your stepmother is there.

Is it? I'd have thought it was a night for OP to enjoy with her friends usually.