Step mum involvement at wedding

[weddingdilemmma]

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

@aSofaNearYou My point was a general one that children have no choice, and it is not accurate to suggest that the parents are the ones that choose therefore must always take responsibility for the split. This implies an alignment between parties which isn't always the case, and certainly isn't when there is an OW. My example aimed to illustrate an instance of where the decision was entirely out of one party's hands. OP appears to have (very sadly) discovered that her DM & DF separated owing to an affair & SM was the OW. It's sad whomever choose to share that information did so... but I maintain that one party opting to have an affair isn't the choice of the other spouse and this can impact a child's perspective of their SM (even an adult child). It's important to acknowledge this information may have been very hard to hear for OP (regardless of how long ago it happened) and this may be playing into her feeling in respect of the wedding arrangements. It just adds an extra layer of complexity for OP and I feel for her because of that. Simply saying it's in the past & she's been in your life for 30 years etc doesn't change how she might be feeling.

I don't agree with the suggestion it's bitter / self absorbed to talk about how difficult it is to be a SP. I'm not a SP but I try very hard to see thing from DD's SM's point of view. I would not wish to stand in her shoes, even if she has rather made her own bed. It is very hard - harder for some than others. Regardless, everyone should be able to express how they feel & be met with compassion.

@Pinkyxx Yes but you are applying a general outlook to comments that were specific and calling them disingenuous. The posters you were disagreeing with weren't talking about affair scenarios, they were responding to criticism of a poster who was not the OW and truly did have nothing to do with the parents splitting.

@pinkxx

it is not accurate to suggest that the parents are the ones that choose therefore must always take responsibility for the split. This implies an alignment between parties which isn't always the case, and certainly isn't when there is an OW

I actually disagree with this. If you have a child with someone who then cheats it isn't your fault but it shows that you made an error of judgement when choosing a father for your child.
Also, as a parent you always have a responsibility to put your child's well being first and provide them with security. You can't just say "my ex had affair so i have no responsibility to help my child deal with the fallout of it because it's all his fault."

Lastly a lot step mums were never other women. I certainly wasn't. The conflation of the two things is very unfair.

Sounds to me like your SM and Dad don’t believe in marriage; they were both willing to wreck your DMs.

I think that’s enough justification to keep your SM out of any wedding-y bits you’d rather not have her involved in. Your dad and SM can’t claim it’s “tradition” for her to sit in certain places etc as it’s also tradition not to have sex with someone other than your spouse and they didn’t obey that one.

It always surprises me how some people seem to pick and choose the “rules” they abide to depending on what suits them.

You do what suits you in your wedding day OP, they’re clearly happy to do what suits them and don’t feel guilty about it, so why should you?

I would put your mother first - it sounds like nobody ever has and she fully deserves to be mob without having to share. She is your mum and shouldn't be expected to share everything in her life with your dad's dp! So dress shopping is definitely a mob activity.
Your dad and sm are going to have to reap what they have sewn to dome extent. If you really want a top table then have one - sm can sit with your dad's family even if they aren't keen on her. I'm sure they can be civil for a few hours. Re the Hen do, I always associate those with friends and not an event for mums, sm or mil tbh. But if you want your mum to be there then it's perfectly okay to prioritise her presence and not invite sm. She and your dad's behaviour has radically altered the course of your life and you are allowed to be angry about it.
If it was my wedding I probably wouldn't want a top table and would just seat everyone with their partners and friends but it's your wedding and you should make decisions based on your own preferences, not fear of upsetting your dad - he needs to be a grown up and realise that sometimes actions can have far reaching consequences and having been a dick to your mum, it has put him in a position where his views aren't paramount.

@aSofaNearYou I was commenting less in response to the side commentary and more on the notion of aligned parental decision in the context I explained with reference to OPs original post.. and yes I did call this disingenuous as it's not always both parents choice. In OPs case, her SM (whom she is posting about) is the OW and she has referenced the split / treatment of her Mother several times... hence I had felt it was a valid & relevant contribution to the original OP.... but fair enough if you feel it's projecting and / or irrelevant..

Your mum sounds amazing and mature and unselfish.

Your sm, OTOH, sounds like a selfish, neurotic pain in the ass.

I'd sit my SM down and manage her expectations. Say you have a mum, you love her, and you will be doing dress shopping with her. You have noticed that SM is rude about your mum and it's just not on, so no invite for sm to your hen do.

And think about what YOU want for top table.

Good luck!

And it sounds like you need to sit down with your dad and clear the air, tell him how upset his behaviour made you, say it's affected how you feel about him.

He and sm must have behaved pretty badly if his family still don't like sm! 😐

[quote KylieKoKo]@pinkxx

it is not accurate to suggest that the parents are the ones that choose therefore must always take responsibility for the split. This implies an alignment between parties which isn't always the case, and certainly isn't when there is an OW

I actually disagree with this. If you have a child with someone who then cheats it isn't your fault but it shows that you made an error of judgement when choosing a father for your child.
Also, as a parent you always have a responsibility to put your child's well being first and provide them with security. You can't just say "my ex had affair so i have no responsibility to help my child deal with the fallout of it because it's all his fault."

Lastly a lot step mums were never other women. I certainly wasn't. The conflation of the two things is very unfair.[/quote]
@KylieKoKo I specifically referred to the split itself. I didn't mention anything about responsibility to support children with the fall out? I also certainly don't equate step mother with OW but in this OP it was the case.

I do agree that it is my responsibility as a Mother to ensure I place my child's wellbeing first and that includes supporting her to maintain a positive relationship with her Father ongoing, and develop one with her step mother. My ex-husbands affair was however his choice and his alone; as has been his conduct since. The responsibility lies with him. To suggest I was in someway responsible for his choice owing to ''flawed judgement'' on my part feels very unkind at best... FWIW his rationale at the time for having had an affair and leaving me was that I could not provide him with the additional children he wanted (pregnancy / birth complications left me unable to conceive again... ).

I am sorry that your x husband treated you poorly and continues to be a crap father. That is shit. But, honestly, it’s all his doing. He’s the one to be angry at.

There is nothing to be gained from generalising from your experience though. Relationships end in all sorts of ways. Affairs come about in all kind of ways. There isn’t always an innocent party. No one outside of the couple knows the story and often they disagree on it anyway.

Most stepmums are not the OW. And even where they are, that relationship is a choice the child’s father is making. Then child has a blended family and that’s just how things are.

None of us choose our parents. Nor do we control their actions. You plan a wedding with the family you have, not the one you wish you did.

Without a crystal ball, it's impossible to know whether the loving, kind person you married, will turn out to be a cheating arsehole down the line when you've already had children.
It's victim blaming to say a woman is at fault for a bad judgement call, if there was no evidence pre kids, that he would behave in such a way.
Otoh, an ow knows very well that she's getting a man with a proven track record of deceit.

@Aderyn21

Without a crystal ball, it's impossible to know whether the loving, kind person you married, will turn out to be a cheating arsehole down the line when you've already had children. It's victim blaming to say a woman is at fault for a bad judgement call, if there was no evidence pre kids, that he would behave in such a way. Otoh, an ow knows very well that she's getting a man with a proven track record of deceit.

See this is why posters taking others comments out of context is harmful. Nobody is saying that, they were talking about situations where the parents were split up before a step parent gets involved. It isn't imperative that the blame lie with both parents, either, it could have been one of them, or both, but the point is the blame for their children having seperated parents lies with them, not third parties they later get into relationships with.

OP,

I am in your mum's situation and have also done everything in my power to shield my daughter, who 6 years on doesn't know still. I was determined my DD would never feel conflicted or torn between her two families.

When DD was six, she was so keen on OW/SM she would ask me to do her hair all pretty when she went to see her and would tell me OW was better than me because she was younger and did cartwheels with her (OW was 15 years younger). It was very hard for me but I went with it all and said it was lovely that she had found a new person to be close to and enjoy. Every year I make a photo book of the year for my DD with photos of both families including OW.... Now I am encouraging my DD in being a big sister to OW/ExH's new baby.

I am overwhelmingly over it and happy in my life. And my reward is a happy daughter. And when DD gets married I will also tell her everything is totally up to her.

All that said, it has taken huge emotional energy from me. I did it out of love for DD not because it was what I wanted or felt. It did cost me. I wouldn't undo it, but it still pains me. And.... I would find it really really hard to share wedding dress shopping with her SM. No issues with being part of the party or wedding or even top table, - but the dress shopping is a very intimate thing for daughter and mother.... and I would feel that that experience was stolen from me to have her there. And that's even when as far as I know OW never says anything bad about me. But for goodness sake, there should be one thing she doesn't get to steal from me..... if I felt it got stolen because OW was essentially selfish and had people pandering to her so she wasn't upset while I was selflessly adapting for whatever felt good for my dd that would feel even worse.

Hope this is helpful and next time you give your mum a hug, add a bit extra from me - she deserves it!

If you have a child with someone who then cheats it isn't your fault but it shows that you made an error of judgement when choosing a father for your child.

I don't think this is very fair, cheating is not always a pattern of behaviour and people can do things that are totally out of character. They also change over the years based on things that happen in their lives and relationships.

I don't think we can assume that someone who goes on to have an affair/leave their partner was always destined to do that, and therefore their ex should have been more careful.

Sofa I agree it would be unreasonable to blame a sm for anything, if she came on the scene when the parents were already separated. But in the OPs case her sm was an active participant in the break up of her family.
But what I was objecting to is the blaming of a person for a making a bad judgement call in having children with someone who turns out to be a cheat. It's not always clearly signposted!

Flor the love of god. My ex DH left me for another women because we had to bury our child in the ground and he couldn't cope, so kindly told me while I was pregnant with our DD.

Was I annoyed at the OW,not really. The person who I was annoyed with was my then husband as he broke our marriage vows, my legally binding contract was with him. I would be a pretty bad mum to DD to still hold a grudge that if the OW did turn into DD SM and I expect my DD to refuse her to come the wedding because of me.

My children come first. My Ex DH isn't a villain im a story book who is passed redemption, neither really is the OW. They are just people who made some poor choices. Frankly I would be happier if my ex did stay with the OW for multiple years because at least it would mean something what he chose to throw away.

The best gift you can give is remove your children from the loyalty bind. No matter how hard. Love your children more than you hate your ex and what they did.

Rise above.

Also OP just do what makes you happy, that's what your mum wants for you, like any good mum ❤️

The wedding isn't about DH or the OW.

No one outside of the couple knows the story and often they disagree on it anyway.
@BeyondOurReef - precisely & is what I said upthread. I know my exh cheated - that's a fact - but I still don't know exactly why.
My opinion (one of them): he was weak, drinking & bored.
One of his opinions - as said to me: I was impossible to live up to & made him feel small.
Now I don't think I in any way did but that was HIS experience & maybe in his head that's exactly how he felt & it's not up to me to cancel his experience.
Do I blame the ow for breaking up the family? No.
Do I blame him? Yes.
HE took the vows, he had the dc - not her. I was fairly miserable in that marriage too but I didn't cheat - that's not in my dna, it's not how I cope with things. That was our marriage & no one else knows how it was for either of us.

@weddingdilemmma

Ditching the top table might be a great idea!! Although not many people who are going are her biggest fan.

I had a similar situation, although MIL had passed many many years previous and his new wife was attending. (I had nothing against her at all btw) We did a round table , like everyone else at the wedding meal, there was no hierarchy on the table, me, my husband, my mum next to him my dad next to me etc etc. I sat his new partner next to my husbands best man and my moh, she had a nice time. He was instructed to be charming and make conversation.

It worked very well!

Good luck, remember it's about you and your new husband x

@candlelightsatdawn - excellent post & so mature & thoughtful.
Also - so sorry for your loss

I actually disagree with this. If you have a child with someone who then cheats it isn't your fault but it shows that you made an error of judgement when choosing a father for your child

what you're actually saying if you'd chosen better, you wouldn't have been cheated on therefore you deserve what happened to you as a result of your poor life choices.

What the actual fuck? Seriously, where do you get off telling every person out there who has ever suffered at the hands of a cheating partner that they deserved it? were asking for it? should have made a better choice?

What you need to understand is that we are all capable of adultery, given the right situation, emotions, feelings, alcohol consumed, the weather and whether there is an R in the month. All of us. No one sets out on their marriage journey believing they will just cheat if the going gets tough. We all mean it when we stand up and say our marriage vows. We all believe ours is the marriage that will weather all those storms and come out the otherside smelling of roses. And then shit happens, you wake up next to someone snoring their head off and wonder why you bother and then there's a handsome someone in the office and away you go.....I struggle to believe I'm saying it because I 100% consider myself a victim of my ex and the OW who went out of their way to make my life a misery, to impoverish me, take the roof from over my head and remove my children from my care. They lost, big time, but no matter how they behaved, my ex had no obligation to remain married to someone he no longer loved and whilst adultery is morally abhorrent, it's common place and we don't stone people to death for it. We're civilised, we deal with it, we move on. It took many hours of counselling for me to understand that I had a part of play in my marriage breakdown but my ex's behaviour - which was awful - is for him to take responsibility for, not me. He didn't stand next to me at the alter and say 'I'll cheat for 2 years with our company admin assistant, have a baby with her, run the business into the ground, clear the bank accounts on the way out and make your life a misery'. He said he would love me forever and nothing he had said or done up till that point suggested things would be different 10 years later.

You're blaming the wrong people here. And it's abhorent.

I know exactly why the demon set mother wants to sit at the top table,is she trying to prove how good a step mother she is and how important she is to your father in front of all your family and relatives and I bet behind it all she has very little confidence in your father not leaving her one day for another woman. Plus I figure she is very jealous of your mother.
I wouldn't be overly concerned for your father either considering he left your mother while she was pregnant with you,he's no prize

So sorry to read this @candlelightsatdawn can't imagine what you've been through but it puts my problems into perspective!

Sending big hugs 💐

I agree with all the PPs that my dads is more to blame than my SM as he's the one that owed my mum loyalty and respect.

However, i guess I'll always love him as he's my dad and the only one I have. I don't have that same level of connection with my SM. I do love her on a way, just not a parental way

My SM has been insecure & needy with my dad my entire life. I honestly don't understand why she has such an issue with my mum. It comes across to me as if she's jealous but what would she be jealous of? My dad left my mum for her ffs. I actually suspect she wants to be more involved in the wedding to spite my mum more than anything else.

I can understand you love your dad however you and your mum are so blessed to have each other

the fact that you think it does says more about you than anyone else.

The fact that you think it's appropriate to talk about what it's like to be a step parent in season and out of season - CLEARLY inappropriate on this thread - says a great deal about you.