Step mum involvement at wedding

[weddingdilemmma]

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

SM will be invited but treated as any other guest and if she doesn't like it tough!

Tbh for your sake and your mothers I would advise making some accommodation for your SM to elevate her slightly above "any other guest".

You want this to go smoothly and some small gestures are likely to make all the difference.

Inviting a couple of friends to sit with at the "nearest table" to the top table, talking about a photo with "just" you and your SM/F (even when you will have ones without her) and a wedding party corsage are small compromises to make that give your father leverage to demonstrate she's being treated not as a mother (and she should not expect this) but above "other guests".

Of course, she should, quite frankly be aware of "her place" on this day and not be pushing as she is.

But she is how she is. You can make no accommodation for her, which is what is merited but that's not helpful if you have to deal with the fallout.

It's all about greasing the wheels to get the day you want without drama and if a few small acts that don't compromise your plan can do this then it's your win.

It's understandable OP, your father abandoned your mother, and crawled around with your SM before you were born.

He's no prince and he certainly isn't a man of good character to be depended on.

He also allows your SM make digs at your mother.

A classy guy he ain't!

Your uncertainty around him is as a result of you knowing the type of man he is.

Your mum has always done her best by you.

Therapy can be great.

Should you choose to have children, you may well revisit your father's behaviour whilst you are pregnant, as it might throw up some complicated emotions for you.

Therapy could be a support.

You sound like a lovely young woman with a wonderful mother.

Honour her exactly as you would wish to, so that you NEVER have ANY regrets on that front as you age and mature.

As people age they often regret being too accommodating around their wedding as it is such an important day to so many.

Don't have any regrets about how prominently your mother should and does feature in your wedding.

She has always been there for you.

[quote weddingdilemmma]*@Almostmenopausal You want it to be special for your DM, so you're involving your SM?
*
Sorry there was a typo in my last post.
I want it to be special for my mum and will make sure she is solely involved in all mob activities/roles.
SM will be invited but treated as any other guest and if she doesn't like it tough!

The reason she is invited is that she's been my dads partner for 25 years and has been part of my life, although never really a mother figure [/quote]
That seems fair to me. It’s probably more than she deserves considering how she has acted around your Mum.

Although not many people who are going are her biggest fan. My dads family don't particularly like her (not only because of the affair, there was a lot that followed where neither dad or SM did themselves any favours). My dads family still love my mum and get on great with her
See I'm a dm and my dcs sm was also the OW & while we get on well she definitely has more of an issue with me that I do with her & I think alot of that is down to guilt.
It's 12 years down the line & I've moved on & while my exh's family seem to really like her they make a massive fuss of me whenever we meet (only at things for the dc) & I honestly think that must be such a hard place for her. They are her family now, not mine, & it must be hard still trying to make headway with your partners family years after a split.
@weddingdilemmma it sounds to me that your dm knows how much you love her & that's why she's being so sanguine. I don't think she's subverting her feelings, I think she's just secure in herself & wants you to be happy. I would also say your sms questions about the day might be down to anxiety about it rather than her actually wanting to be involved in everything.
I think you really need to look at what YOU want & go with that. If you want just your dm at wedding dress shopping stick to that & let your dad like it or lump it. Same goes for your hen do. I'd nearly harbour a guess that your dad wants her at your hen so more that she wants to be there!
personally I'd dispense with the top table & all that malarkey. Let your dad & sm sit together & let your dm sit with people she likes. It will make the day much more relaxed & I guarantee you that you & your dh will have a far more enjoyable day not worrying about everyone.
Your mum sounds like she can handle herself perfectly so it's really only your dad's expectations you need to fend off.

It's SM I'm more nervous of her reaction. For some reason she seems to hate my mum? Even after all this time. I had a bit of counselling and they suggested it could be jealousy/guilt/insecurity but why? And why after all this time?
Because if you have an affair with a married man you a) rarely feel fully secure in that relationship knowing that if it happened once it could happen again. b) you might be extremely ashamed of your behaviour & even somewhat regret it. c) you may have been told by your partner that the marriage was over/loveless & that he was leaving anyway irrespective of meeting you, but over time you may develop an inkling that this might not have been 100% true & it's easier to 'take out' those feelings on your partners ex than question you & your partners behaviour.

Does your SM have any biological children of her own or is this likely to be her only shot of playing MOB?

I'm amazed at the level of outrage on this thread. It's yet another example of how much projection exists on the step parenting board!
The dm in this scenario sounds like a sane, pragmatic, well balanced & HAPPY individual & yet everyone is on hand wringing and shrieking in her defence yelling on about something that happened 25 years ago!
Yes affairs have consequences but the dm sounds more over it than you lot!
Honestly some posts are like throwing bloody meat into a pack of wolves & watching them descend on it!

OP you only have one mum. The OW is not entitled to any share of the special relationship that exists between you both.

Is your mum going on the hen do? If so, OW can't go or it will spoil your night.

Ditch the top table for sure. I am sure she is a nice woman but neither she or your dad come out of this well and do not deserve the same status as your mum no matter how much she protests she does not mind - of course she does and she will be dreading meeting this person.

If I were you, I would be asking my mum to give me away, and let those two attend but not give them any elevated status other than that afforded to other guests

@Magda72

I'm amazed at the level of outrage on this thread. It's yet another example of how much projection exists on the step parenting board! The dm in this scenario sounds like a sane, pragmatic, well balanced & HAPPY individual & yet everyone is on hand wringing and shrieking in her defence yelling on about something that happened 25 years ago! Yes affairs have consequences but the dm sounds more over it than you lot! Honestly some posts are like throwing bloody meat into a pack of wolves & watching them descend on it!

So true....

I think it's also worth pointing out (especially as the OP posted here to get feedback from SM's) that this topic is regularly utilised by posters who have issues with their SM or their children's SM.

In my experience SM's are often not well supported on this area of MN.

That's not to say that in some cases, criticism is undeserved, but it does attract an undue amount of posters projecting their own circumstances to an extreme degree (or even ill disguised glee) than elsewhere on the parenting boards.

Can I just say that my partner has a daughter. i was not the OW as we met long after his marriage ended.

His ex rewrote history and said horrible things about me which were all untrue.

I met his daughter many times and we always got on OK but when any celebrations such as birthdays etc cropped up I was never included because of the mother, and indeed I would never have gone anyway as it would have been awkward.

This woman, however, and the father together wilfully and deliberately hurt OPs mother. Its funny how people think time mends even the worst of crimes

I'd just ask your SM to stop making digs about your mother for a start.

That's not on and makes it difficult for you.

I am a step mum of 20 years and have three step sons so it's a bit different. One of them lived with us too. But on occasions like this I am SM, they're Mum takes priority and rightly so. My feelings shouldn't be a worry or concern to the step sons and they only would be if I was the sort of SM you have.

I have a good relationship and I am secure in my role in their life. I don't need top table status etc etc to validate our relationship,

Your mum sounds like an absolutely amazing woman who I suspect has long since moved past the circumstances you are still dealing with.

It's your say, your way. Good luck x

This is what I did (although no affair involved):

DM + husband
DF + wife

All at the top table.

Dad walked me down the aisle
Mum made the speech

My parents were in photos with me together and also had some extended family together Including the step parents.

In other words I gave both my parents a main, visible role on the day but tried to give some status to the step parents. Best I could do.

I’d say that as your DF has been with your sm 25 years, they should be treated as a couple and not split up at the meal.
Me and DDs father are divorced. There’s no animosity but we just don’t speak as we have no reason to now DD is an adult. For her wedding, the top table was as follows.
My husband (her stepfather), me, father of the groom, mother of the groom, groom, bride, father of the bride, his wife - step mum of the bride, best man, chief bridesmaid.
For the Hen party, both myself and her step mum went (she had 2, one just a boozy lunch with us oldies from the family, and one weekend away with all her girlfriends). Step mum had minimal involvement with anything else. Only myself and my other dd went dress shopping with her, myself and her MIL helped with lots of practical stuff, MIL make her wedding cake.

You can always use the Covid excuse to avoid the convo about dress shopping, and as far as the seating arrangements are concerned, don’t tell anyone beforehand who’s sitting where! (But I do think it would be pretty poor to sit your father’s wife away from your father).

Lots of posts suggesting that OP should pussyfoot around step mum, eg make up fake reasons, presumably to try to ‘keep the peace’!

@weddingdilemmma we had a similar situation on my dhs side. Mil has new partner but fil never moved on. We said we didn't want a top table to avoid any drama and would sit moh and best man next to us.
However my mother truly kicked off and was horrified at the thought. She got my dbs to harass me with messages and was crying down the phone. For me it was just a bloody table but so much drama attached to it.
In the end we told mils dp he couldn't come and we just had mil and fil sat together because they were the parents of my dh.
Mil partner shunned us for a while but got over it.
For wedding dress shopping I just went to a shop and chose my dress on my own because I didn't want dm drama.
I had a hen do with just my friends.
Mum sulking all the way through but after the table performance I decided to keep her a bit more at arms length with wedding stuff.
I think if anyone is making your day about them you have to create some distance between them and your wedding!

I wouldn't have her at a hen do - why is she already in all the conversations about what you are doing. Choosing your dress WTHeck. Ridiculous CF.
Can you just get on with your plans, tell DPs they will be at the top table (if that suits you but seated well away from DM) - but I don't think you need to folllow tradition at the top table. Do what the heck you like - maybe round table with you and best man and bridesmaids - others at other tables (DPs apart). And stop discussing it.

I’m the SM in this scenario (except I wasn’t the OW, they were divorced for 10 yrs + when I met my now DH) I love my SD and we get on extremely well and my job, as I see it, is to do whatever my SD wants. And I wouldn’t DREAM of demanding a seat at the top table or to do dress shopping or anything like that. I’ve always been very aware that these kids didn’t ask for me - I was their dads choice but they have a mum and I would never try and interfere. We are paying for the wedding but I’m going to try and be in the background as much as possible, because it’s not about me!!

But I do think it would be pretty poor to sit your father’s wife away from your father

A few people have said this now but where does it stop, the best man doesn't get to sit with his DW, the bridesmaids don't get to sit with their DHs? It's not a romantic meal out for couples

Sorry, I feel snappy now but it's the stress. I may not go for a TT but I had never thought the fact they're be a couple justified her being there. I've seen it more as a table for the people the bride & groom are closest to

*Your mum sounds like an absolutely amazing woman who I suspect has long since moved past the circumstances you are still dealing with.

It's your say, your way. Good luck x*

I think you're right that I'm the one who's mot moved past it. My mum didn't want it to impact my relationship with my dad so I only found out about the full situation surrounding the break up recently. Even then it wasn't my DM that told me. So while it's 25 years ago to everyone else it seems recent to me and maybe why I'm still feeling more angry than I should this much after the event

As a stepmum to two DSD's I absolutely would not expect to go dress shopping with them, that's their mum's privilege, not mine

Same as for the top table.
Yes I'd expect to be invited to the wedding, but as a guest, nothing else.

I also wouldn't expect to be invited to the hen do, but then i wouldn't expect to be invited to my own daughter's one either lol
It's your day, you do what makes you happy, everyone else has to suck it up and act like grown ups, including stepmum!
I hope you have a lovely, happy day and wish you all the best x

I have a similar issue with my fiance’s MIL and his stepmum. Same kind of story, his dad left his mum for OW, they were all friends. I suppose the only difference for me and my fiancé is he isn’t a massive fan of her and is very protective of his mum. She came dress shopping with me and my mum and I get on well with her. The stepmum I tolerate. She’ll be put in a corner somewhere out of the way to be honest 😂😂

IMO a SM does NOT get to seeing dress shop with you. That’s just for you and your Mum right?

Bear in mind your Dad feels guilty about this but his agenda isn’t yours!

[quote weddingdilemmma]*@Almostmenopausal You want it to be special for your DM, so you're involving your SM?
*
Sorry there was a typo in my last post.
I want it to be special for my mum and will make sure she is solely involved in all mob activities/roles.
SM will be invited but treated as any other guest and if she doesn't like it tough!

The reason she is invited is that she's been my dads partner for 25 years and has been part of my life, although never really a mother figure [/quote]
That’s a really good angle to view this from actually

I'm more worried about the impact that upsetting her would have on my relationship with my dad. He's very defensive of her and I've only recently discovered they've nearly split up several times over the years due to how she feels about my dads side of the family and how they treat her

Her feelings about other peoples view of her is HER look out, your dad gave practically zero fucks about anyone else’s opinion or feelings when he took up with this woman, if he hasn’t already figured out that shitty actions have consequences, then he’s a bit of a tit isn’t he? Stop putting other people above and beyond your own feelings, or the feelings of people who have shown themselves to be there for you etc.

TLDR: Aw diddums

😂🤣

I think it’s often best to abandon the nuclear family wedding norms in blended families. The whole ‘too table’ thing in particular.

(If if had a proper wedding) there’s no way I’d have decided it should be biological parents on there. FIL and SMIL have been married for 30 years now (and she was the OW). My dad and stepmum have been together for more than 20 years, my mum and stepdad for 25. MIL has been remarried and divorced (and is now just a bitter nightmare of a person). The guy who’d have been the best man has been with his partner for more than 15 years too. And my sister would want to sit with her husband and kids. There’s just be nothing to gain from having people sit away from their partners in a stunt formation.

Just organise the seating in away that suits you and the people attending. The norms set up for nuclear families in the late 20th century don’t necessarily apply any longer.

Dress shopping: take who you like. Same with the hen DP invitation list.

Just do the entire thing your way. And have a lovely wedding.