Step mum involvement at wedding

[weddingdilemmma]

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

I’d have hen night with friends-no mums.
I wouldn’t have a top table in this situation either.
Dress shopping is mum only.

I don't think you can leave her out. She's your dad's partner and has been for many years.. I also don't think she should have to sit separate from your dad. You're an adult, mum and dad are separated, so I really don't think you should expect them to sit together at the top table. Maybe don't have a top table.....they're a bit old fashioned anyway.

Ultimately, it's your wedding so you can do what you want, but please try and think of the hurt you'll cause her if you exclude her. How would you feel if it were you?

Dhs parents are split. Fil was at one end of the top table, mil the other. Mils husband was on another table entirely, but nearby mil.
She cannot think she trumps your own mother at your wedding. You go dress shopping with your own mother.

She's your dad's partner and has been for many years.. I also don't think she should have to sit separate from your dad.

The best man will be sitting separate from his DW, the MOH will be sitting separate from her DH, as will the other bridesmaids. Or should all the partners join the TT (if I have one)?

As I said below, it's not a romantic meal out for my dad and SM

I was at a wedding where my DP was best man, he was at the TT for the meal and I sat with the other guests. Funnily enough I coped without him for a few hours

My dads family don't particularly like her (not only because of the affair, there was a lot that followed where neither dad or SM did themselves any favours). My dads family still love my mum and get on great with her

So if you didn’t put her sitting with your dad, who would you seat her with, if his family don’t particularly like her?

If I wanted my dad at the wedding, I would be thinking of how I could diffuse or avoid such problems. If you said she can’t sit with him and everyone else in his family hates her, you risk her not coming at all, and then him not coming either.

@weddingdilemmma the fact that only found out about the infidelity recently & that it wasn't your dm who told you says & explains a lot.
Step back a little here & view the situation. Your dm didn't tell you for a very good reason & I would suggest that whoever did tell you did so without thinking of your feelings or those of your dm - in fact it was a very cruel thing to do to you, especially this close to your wedding.
No one bar your parents has the right to tell you what happened 25 years ago because no one else actually knows what happened!
In my case the only true thing I know is that my exh had an affair & is now married to the woman. The other thing I know is that he lives his dc & did not set out to hurt them.
They are the facts but everything else is conjecture. For instance, I don't fully know why he cheated - did he fall madly in love? Was/is he a serial cheater? Was he having some kind of crisis? Did he feel I didn't love him enough? Was he feeling crap about himself & needed validation? Was he lured away by now wife? Had he just fallen out of love with me & couldn't bear to tell me? Did it start as an 'accident' as he was going through a period of very heavy drinking & he didn't actually mean for it to happen but once I found out he had nowhere else to turn & couldn't bear to be alone?
I just don't know & I don't need to know.
All I do know is that he broke my heart but I got over it.
I never told my dc & I never will because to tell them serves NO purpose & to tell them would put them right back 12 years to when their dad left & it would undo all the good work I have done in getting them through divorce & into a position of having good relationships with all the adults in their lives. They are over their parents divorce & reopening all that up for them now would be pointless & mean.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you now but try & park your anger for the moment (or direct it towards whoever told you - assuming it wasn't your dad?) & take your cues for your lovely dm who forged a lovely drama feee life for her & you.
Whoever told you about the affair truly had/has their own agenda.
Focus on your wedding. Do want YOU want while respecting the fact that your dad has a partner of 25 years & enjoy your dress shopping with your mum.

We had a similar issue with both our sets of parents. We solved the "table" issue by having a couple table just for us together, and then four long banquet tables with each of the parents sat on one with someone they knew, seated so they were looking at the back of their partners head rather than towards them. That bloody table plan was the worst and longest part of the wedding planning. They all behaved on the day which was a relief. I didnt take any parent dress shopping and neither step mum or mum came on the hen do, it was just friends of around my age. I had dinner with my mum and bridesmaids the night before the wedding.
Good luck!

I don’t know how many people you’re having at the wedding but we had one horse shoe (u) shaped table so the wedding party sat at the top of the u (what we had as the ‘top table’ and any partners sat at the top of the u’s legs if that makes sense? Then everyone else down the long legs of the u after the partners. That way mum and dad could be on the top table and SM could be on the leg nearest your dad - close enough for them to talk but sitting with all the other guests and not actually in the pictures etc as on the top table - just in case that’s an option for you. We also found that allowed far more people to mingle too.

I completely understand how you feel and if she hasn’t been a mother figure to you then she doesn’t get to pretend to be a mother figure when it suits her to try to get one over on your mum (who sounds like an amazing mum!).

I included people in plans for my wedding I wasn’t really comfortable with just to try to keep the peace and I really regret it now as they found ways to taint it which I can’t forget - do what you are truely comfortable with!

I've not read the full thread. I can only say what my family did. My dads wife is also the ow. My mum has never bad mouthed either of them. And like you as we became adults there paths never crossed.

My mum did the mum things. She is my mum. My step mum and her children were invited and on table number 1. My mum and dad on too table with my sister between them. I did the same for her wedding.

They generally just avoided each other during the day. And we had certain family members who we asked to keep an eye in mum. She was on her own.

It worked out fine. Good luck and have a lovely day whatever you decide.

The gall of your dads partner! I personally wouldn't invite her to any hen do and she absolutely would not be at the top table. Nor doing dress shopping. Your lovely mum sounds wonderful and that's who every ounce of my loyalty would be going towards.

Also just to add that in a traditional top table plan the mother and father of the bride don’t actually sit next to each other any way.
It would normally be:
Left to right, here's how they're traditionally seated: maid of honour, groom's father, bride's mother, groom, bride, bride's father, groom's mother, best man
So even if she did ‘replace’ your mum she still wouldn’t be sitting next to your dad if you went down the traditional route.

@weddingdilemmma

She's your dad's partner and has been for many years.. I also don't think she should have to sit separate from your dad.

The best man will be sitting separate from his DW, the MOH will be sitting separate from her DH, as will the other bridesmaids. Or should all the partners join the TT (if I have one)?

As I said below, it's not a romantic meal out for my dad and SM

I was at a wedding where my DP was best man, he was at the TT for the meal and I sat with the other guests. Funnily enough I coped without him for a few hours

Totally different and you know it. I'm talking about your parents here

[quote Magda72]@weddingdilemmma the fact that only found out about the infidelity recently & that it wasn't your dm who told you says & explains a lot.
Step back a little here & view the situation. Your dm didn't tell you for a very good reason & I would suggest that whoever did tell you did so without thinking of your feelings or those of your dm - in fact it was a very cruel thing to do to you, especially this close to your wedding.
No one bar your parents has the right to tell you what happened 25 years ago because no one else actually knows what happened!
In my case the only true thing I know is that my exh had an affair & is now married to the woman. The other thing I know is that he lives his dc & did not set out to hurt them.
They are the facts but everything else is conjecture. For instance, I don't fully know why he cheated - did he fall madly in love? Was/is he a serial cheater? Was he having some kind of crisis? Did he feel I didn't love him enough? Was he feeling crap about himself & needed validation? Was he lured away by now wife? Had he just fallen out of love with me & couldn't bear to tell me? Did it start as an 'accident' as he was going through a period of very heavy drinking & he didn't actually mean for it to happen but once I found out he had nowhere else to turn & couldn't bear to be alone?
I just don't know & I don't need to know.
All I do know is that he broke my heart but I got over it.
I never told my dc & I never will because to tell them serves NO purpose & to tell them would put them right back 12 years to when their dad left & it would undo all the good work I have done in getting them through divorce & into a position of having good relationships with all the adults in their lives. They are over their parents divorce & reopening all that up for them now would be pointless & mean.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you now but try & park your anger for the moment (or direct it towards whoever told you - assuming it wasn't your dad?) & take your cues for your lovely dm who forged a lovely drama feee life for her & you.
Whoever told you about the affair truly had/has their own agenda.
Focus on your wedding. Do want YOU want while respecting the fact that your dad has a partner of 25 years & enjoy your dress shopping with your mum.[/quote]
This is a brilliant and well balanced post.

I'd say it's odd she is expecting to be on top table? Its usually just parents, which she isn't.

At our wedding this year, step parents were with grandparents etc on the closest table but not on the tip table. She'd be unreasonable to be upset about this

I had this. SM was not involved in any hen or dress shopping. She was invited to the day but I sat her on a different table from my dad who was at the top table. They did hint about who she wanted to sit next to but I firmly but politely said I had done my table plan and sat her next to some lovely people (true). It was fine in the end.

Could you not have a top table? Put each parent with their own family and have your bridesmaids and best men on your table? I found the long top table format a bit lonely and a circular table would have been more fun.

One suggestion for your hen party is let your mum bring a friend with her. Don't let your step mum bring a friend. I don't think your step mum sounds very nice tbh.

TT -
SM, DF, BM, Groom, Bride, DM Bridesmaids
Or just do separate tables as I mentioned above.
I think a formal TT is a thing of the past (old DM here)

I might be tempted to do a hen night with my mates and then if you wanted, do a separate evening with the ‘older’ family members-your mum, older female relatives from both sides. You can invite SM to that if you wanted, but if none of your dads family like her (and I presume your mums family don’t either?!) then she may not come! You’d still have the moral high ground for inviting her though!

I think not having a TT to facilitate your SM feelings is ridiculous.

You would be giving her feelings priority.

Ridiculous.

Have your top table with the wedding party only, exactly as you would like it.

I wouldn't engage or discuss your plans.

They have nothing to do with your father and his wife.

Do not change your plans for the feelings of a woman your father abandoned his pregnant wife for years ago.

The TT is for the wedding party. That's it.

Sit her with other partner's and don't entertain ANY discussion.

Her sensitivities and those of your father, are really not your concern.

No more than your mother's feeling were a consideration all those years ago.

I'm a stepmum to an adult son. He's nowhere near the marrying stage but if/when he does I presume that his mum and dad will sit at the top table and I'll sit elsewhere with other family members. Extremely presumptuous of your stepmum to think she should be at the top table.

Do change that seating and big up your Mum. I was going to say make your Dad sit in the middle of them, he made this mess! But separate tables for each family sounds wisest!

I think that most of this is a red herring. Weddings everyone has opinions of what should happen. When in fact it's about two people getting married and they are at the centre.

My Ex DH cheated on me and if he stayed with the OW I would never have dreamed of telling my DD because it's irrelevant and I would hope to move on and not let bitterness consume me even if it did, I would never transfer that to my child.
At the end of the day the kids come first and shouldn't have to manage other peoples feelings and that's inclusive of mine. Whoever told you did you a deep unkindness and some people like causing trouble, from previous post your weren't told by your mum so whoever told you I would give a wide birth, because if your mum wanted you to know she would have told you I assume.

Top table - depends on what you want - I think they are bit dated so that's just me.

Hen do - tbh I didn't want my mum there let alone SM, it's usually just gal pals isnt it ? This is person preference

Dress shopping - do what you want . Invite who you want you don't know which shop you will find the dress anyway so if you want your mum there she may have to come to a few places. Maybe once you picked the dress take her along if you want to.

I'm a SM and totally wouldn't expect a invite to any of these things, the dress shopping is especially a rite of passage for mum and daughter.

Reading with interest OP. My DD is still in primary school but I’m in the same situation with ExH/OW and sometimes wonder how it will all pan out as DD is clearly very fond of her.

I’d abandon the top table and do dress etc separately if you want to. Does she have a DD or any DC? I suppose I could understand her keenness to be involved if she feels it’s her only shot at MoB duties (though saying I understand it doesn’t make it your problem!)

The older adults here have all had their turn at weddings, kids etc. This is your shot- do it how you’d ideally like. She’s also possibly aware she’s not well liked do is hoping for a role to feel secure.

You could fob her off with something you care less about? Ask her to do the table centres or arrange the order of service or something. Then you can thank her for that in the speech and go on to thank your parents for love/care etc and she won’t have been snubbed.

DD is still in primary school but I’m in the same situation with ExH/OW and sometimes wonder how it will all pan out as DD is clearly very fond of her.

I feel like it's very early to worry about this @5thnonblonde

Also, as a SM, as and when DSDs get married I will sit where I am told and would not expect or want to do things like dress shopping! I would be hurt if I wasn't invited as I have been in their lives for a long time but that's about it!