Step mum involvement at wedding

[weddingdilemmma]

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

I actually suspect she wants to be more involved in the wedding to spite my mum more than anything else.

Her crazy absence of empathy in expecting to come dress shopping stretches my credulity so I'm inclined to agree. Boundaries needed.

If you have a child with someone who then cheats it isn't your fault but it shows that you made an error of judgement when choosing a father for your child

Like we can all see through lying toads. They're very good at it. Victim blaming at it's finest.

My SM has been insecure & needy with my dad my entire life. I honestly don't understand why she has such an issue with my mum. It comes across to me as if she's jealous but what would she be jealous of? My dad left my mum for her ffs. I actually suspect she wants to be more involved in the wedding to spite my mum more than anything else.

Has it occurred to you OP that it is just your SM's personality and your dad is attracted to someone who is needy e.g. needs him?

And your SM is jealous of your mum precisely because your mum isn't needy? After all your mum told you to do want you want, which shows she isn't needy.

Your SM wants to be involved in your wedding because of her own insecurity in not knowing her role is.

You need to tell her either directly or through your dad very clearly exactly what you want her to do for your wedding e.g. nothing and what she is invited to. State each time that you and your partner are the ones getting married and it is your day.

You also simply tell her and your dad things on a need to know basis e.g. they only need to know once you have your dress.

I have not experienced this although I will if my own daughters marry. My cousin did though and she had mum and dad on top table and sm on table 1 with dads mum etc. As a future motb that would be my preference although I get on great with exs wife I would not want equal status! Not sure on hen do. If it's a meal they could sit opposite ends of table but if it's a weekend away that's more tricky. I guess it comes down to do you want her there? If no maybe explain and do something with her separately. Just remembered another cousin abandoned the top table idea and just did seperate tables and her and new hubby sat with best man and bridesmaids.

@BeyondOurReef

I am sorry that your x husband treated you poorly and continues to be a crap father. That is shit. But, honestly, it’s all his doing. He’s the one to be angry at.

There is nothing to be gained from generalising from your experience though. Relationships end in all sorts of ways. Affairs come about in all kind of ways. There isn’t always an innocent party. No one outside of the couple knows the story and often they disagree on it anyway.

Most stepmums are not the OW. And even where they are, that relationship is a choice the child’s father is making. Then child has a blended family and that’s just how things are.

None of us choose our parents. Nor do we control their actions. You plan a wedding with the family you have, not the one you wish you did.

Again I don't disagree he's the one to be angry at, although I'm angry at neither - it was a long time ago....

I was simply acknowledging that for the children concerned this type of information (i.e. an affair) can be very difficult information that spurs confusing / conflicting emotions. The facts are not always relevant in the emotional reaction that results. Families are rarely simple, blended ones even less so and at least IME children in blended families can be fixated in the ''family they wish they had'' ( rightly or wrongly).

@weddingdilemmma please don't think me sharing what happened devalues the issues your struggling with. I would be stressed out of my head if I was you 💐

I shared what I shared because I think a important voice in this was another much like your mum who just wants the best for her child. I imagine what she wants is you to be happy. I doubt she cares much about anything else including what happened between your dad and SM, although to you it must feel very raw. I would be livid had this crept out around my daughters wedding.

The topic at hand is emotive, but it doesn't need to be. Set a plan of what you want in place and tell everyone what's going on. Insecurity can come from not knowing what's going on. I agree with redwings re why SM is the way she is , you can't understand the dynamics of you dad and sm and what went down so don't try. Don't waste your energy and get yourself in a twist over things that have already past. It's not useful for you but you are a useful tool for people to use to ham up more drama.

@Magda72 I think me and you might have similar ex HBs. Honestly though letting go of the anger and upset was less about him and more about me and is freeing. I can't understand people willingly putting themselves in pregatory and dragging their Dc into the fight. I really feel for the OP actually must be a nightmare. Reminds me when the time comes with my DD of why I have taken the approach I have taken and I personally will be taking down anyone who will cause drama on my DD wedding day personally. Even if it means somewhat defending my ex.

I would personally dress shop with mum and bridesmaids.

Your mum sounds lovely.

Top table would be mum and dad. I would ask SM if she has a close friend she would like to
Invite to the wedding and sit her beside them.

Hen party .... mum and stepmum would both be invited. Again SM could bring a friend if he doesn't know or get on with many people at the hen party.

Everyone else is right though ... do what you think it right.

Good advice from breadincavity.

Someone whose absolutely got the stepmum role nailed.

OP there seems to be a lot of questions about why SM does not like your Mum.

Now this may not be the case but...my sister was an OW, and went on to live with him ( has done for years). I did not agree or approve btw, but at the time of seeing him before he left his wife, he used to tell her just how bad he was treated by his wife, how she mistreated their children, it went on and on and she did indeed sound like the vilest person ever to walk.

Was it true??? No idea. But my suspicion was that he was justifying the affair this way.

Just wondering if your DF did the same and this is why she is awful about your DM...

@weddingdilemmma

How was your wedding? What did you choose to do?

Feeling exactly like you.

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?

Of course it's not! My father behaved in much the same way (although my parents stayed married for a further 20 years ...). NO WAY was I going to have the OW on the bridal table or give her any expectation that she shared an "equal" role with my mother as mother of the bride.

My father tried to force us to accept her as part of the family, but my foundational thought was that she was not part of my family. I was polite to her, but she's not my mother!

So it was my mother at the bridal table, and doing ALL the MoB stuff. Of course it was.

Without trying to please everyone - which you seem to be trying to do - ask yourself deep down - what do you want?

Do you want your mother there, unequivocally as your mother?

Oh bugger! Didn't realise ZOMBIE thread

Sorry

I don’t have any practical advice but what stands out to me is how one person, your SM, who entered the family under negative circumstances, is still controlling everyone else decades later. She seems to have a lot of power. And I feel sorry for everyone who has to tiptoe around her. Your dad, and you. The only one who seems free of it is your mum.

It’s amazing how some people can behave poorly yet still commandeer the bulk of consideration and attention over other people who behave decently.
If you worry your stepmother may take shots at your mom at the wedding, because she is insecure and hateful, don’t feel any guilt about putting your mum first.
If your stepmother is negative to your mom and your father is OK with her doing that, then he is a complete jerk!!!!

🧟‍♀️ thread for the love of god 😵‍💫

I know it’s a zombie thread but I’d love to know what happened!

THE ZOMBIE THAT NEVER DIES

It’s really not fair on your mum.
Your SM has had her way long enough.
It sounds like everyone has to pussyfoot around your SM.

Your mother sounds like an earth angel with incredible dignity, self sufficiency and emotional intelligence. I wanna be your mom! Biggest kudos. Have a nice few days with her before and after the wedding. You have a good bond with her you know that and so does she. This is one, very important day in your and your other half’s life. Focus on your other half, drink Prosecco, look beautiful, have a beautiful day… then go back to normal life where your mom is still everything .

Definitely forget the top table. I've had two weddings and never had a top table, no parent issues either, just don't like them! It would remove some issues.

Secondly, they're all adults and a long time has gone past, from the sounds of it you have a good relationship with all, so I'd invite them all, keep them at separate tables and hope that they have the good grace to be grown ups and realise the day is about you, not them and act accordingly.

Oh damn zombie 🧟‍♀️ getting me again.

My tuppence worth.

This is your day & your mums too (to a certain extent) your mum sounds lovely.

I would exclude sm from all planning/dress shopping/ hen do etc

I wouldn't have her on top table but I would have her at the full wedding. I would invite a friend of hers maybe to sit beside her.

I'm sorry, she's not your mum. This isn't her day & I just wouldn't countenance making this day difficult for your lovely mum in any way shape or form.

You've got some great advice, I'll just add a few thoughts.

I probably wouldn't call your SM the OW after 25+ years. It's an old story. Relationships are difficult and people ( I guess they were young) act in immature ways. They might even wish it didn't happen this way, but they can't change it. My father also cheated on my mother and the new woman (I was already a teenager and we didn't leave in the same country, so I didn't consider her as a SM) was clearly jealous of my mom and the rare times I saw her it was noticeable. It's not uncommon.

So about your SM feeling jealous/guilty with regards to your mom, I get this. I have the same feeling (except that I don't show it to my SD, but I'm sure she knows that her mom and me are not on good terms). Feelings are hard to control. I didn't manage to change them after 10 years. SD's mom is also very sweet with everyone, except me and makes active efforts to stay involved with my husband's family, so naturally they like her and it didn't leave me a lot of chance. And once I expressed my opinion about something I didn't like (SD's mom is not outspoken like me), I probably got labelled as a "bitch" and that's it.

Now, I do care about my SD, we have a good relationship and I would be hurt if she didn't invite me to her wedding. My sons would be put in a difficult situation too. Of course, I wouldn't need to play any role in a wedding other than being present to celebrate it.

Personally, I would appreciate if she had concerns about her wedding that she talked to me and I would reassure her that everything would be civil from my end. So if you have a good relationship with her, talk to her. Her insecurity is not your problem of course, but people are what they are and if she's been good to you, you can always tell her that you care about her (or whatever feeling you have) and that you'd like her to be present and you would love if everyone could be civil to each other. If other family members don't like her (sometimes people express things behind the children's backs, so you might not know what they did or said to your SM and she reacted), talk to them as well. A few months ago I went to my SD's 15 year's bday (a special event for Latin people) and I could feel the hostility from some of her mother's guests and it didn't end well. Everybody has to be civil and think about the one being celebrated.

I hope you have a great wedding!