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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step mum involvement at wedding

248 replies

weddingdilemmma · 08/12/2021 20:29

Okay so this could get long but would love some advice on the involvement/role of step parents at weddings.

So I'm the step daughter, due to get married next year and am struggling with what to do with a situation with my SM.

Background - my dad cheated on my mum while she was pregnant with me. This continued til I was 2 when my mum found out and left him. A few years later my dad moved in with OW when I was 5 and she's always been part of my life.
My mum has been amazing throughout. Never said a negative word about my dad, never shared the details or tried to turn me against my dad or SM, encouraged me to have a relationship with both and always out my feelings first.

I never knew the situation growing up but it was obvious my SM had an issue with my mum, didn't like her being mentioned etc (not sure if this was jealousy or guilt).

Fast forward 25 years and I've got a good relationship with them all. However as I've got older my mum & dad have naturally had less and less to do with each other. No handovers, co-parenting discussions etc. Mum and dads DP never spoke to each other and rarely even seen each other in passing. This has all been fine and as drama as I could expect

But what do I do about the wedding? It doesn't seem fair to expect my DM have to share my wedding day with who is effectively the OW?
DM had down her usual by putting me first, says shes happy if im happy, promises to be civil to both etc. but I sense she's putting on a brave face.

SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)

Am I being unreasonable by expecting this to all go well?

OP posts:
tanstaafl · 08/12/2021 20:36

Have you spoken to your mum and dad about this situation?
See what they’re thinking?

Perhaps their thoughts will help you decide a course of action.

Original poster
weddingdilemmma · 08/12/2021 20:42

My mum says she's happy with whatever makes me happy (I guess I feel a bit guilty that her feelings have never come first. Can I really expect her to socialise with the woman who wrecked her marriage and cheated with her H while she was pregnant. They weren't friends but were acquaintances so my SM knew exactly what she was doing).

I don't like what my SM done (and obvs same applies to my dad) but I do like her and we get on well. Although she does like to have the odd dig about my mum and you can tell a mile away she doesn't like her. She likes to pretend she's trying to hide it but doesn't actually try and hide it if that makes sense?

My dad is a bit stuck in the middle. I think he sees my point but is super defensive of SM. He knows how upset/insecure she gets so tip toes around her trying to avoid upsetting her (looking back it's been this way their entire relationship).

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 08/12/2021 20:44

Op what role do you want your sm to play? That's what's important here.

Do you want her at your hen do?
Do you want her to sit at the top table?

uneffingbelievable · 08/12/2021 20:45

OP it is your wedding - for once put what you want first and maybe your DM.
Sounds like it has been one sided accommodation which it usually is for the wronged party - who is told to move on, accept and forgive.

This day is about you and your DP. - if you do not want her there dress shopping say so but maybe do your hen do and a slightly older person hen do and accommodate both SM and DM

You sound lovely and caring but this is about you

Inkling2 · 08/12/2021 20:48

As someone who spent the whole of my wedding planning worrying about my parents and how they'd behave PLEASE just do what you want to do.

Personally I think (if generally you like your SM and get on well and would have her at your wedding if not for this situation) I'd just invite her. I don't actually think it is that much for your parents to all be civil together 25 years after the event. It happened. It's been two decades now, life moves on and she isn't going anywhere now by the sounds of it either so I don't think it is asking too much of any of them, your mum included, to just put on a smile and be civil to each other on this one day 25 years down the line.

Original poster
weddingdilemmma · 08/12/2021 20:49

This is exactly what my mum asks me and I honestly don't know.

I don't dislike her but I don't know that she deserves to be there. She's been part of my life for 20+ years but I don't see her as a mother figure. I'd say I'm closer to my aunts, unles and grandparents and they won't be at the top table so why should she be? Although I can imagine the fall out if I don't.

she (along with my dad) have caused so much heart ache and misery. I only found out the background of why my mum & dad split and that SM was OW a couple of years ago so I'm Maybe still getting my head round or

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2021 20:49

Are you considering not inviting her? What would that do you relationship with your father?

It’s been 25 years. That’s a very long time. Were your parents together that long? If your mum is prepared to be grown up about it I think you can too. She’s made her life away from bitterness and resentment, sensible as defining yourself by something bad happening to you isn’t the path to happiness, so I wouldn’t make this an issue.

Invite everyone. Ditch a top table if it’ll be awkward. They’re pretty old hat anyway.

Original poster
weddingdilemmma · 08/12/2021 20:51

@Inkling2

As someone who spent the whole of my wedding planning worrying about my parents and how they'd behave PLEASE just do what you want to do.

Personally I think (if generally you like your SM and get on well and would have her at your wedding if not for this situation) I'd just invite her. I don't actually think it is that much for your parents to all be civil together 25 years after the event. It happened. It's been two decades now, life moves on and she isn't going anywhere now by the sounds of it either so I don't think it is asking too much of any of them, your mum included, to just put on a smile and be civil to each other on this one day 25 years down the line.

Thanks @Inkling2 I have absolutely no doubts my mum would be civil.

It's SM I'm more nervous of her reaction. For some reason she seems to hate my mum? Even after all this time. I had a bit of counselling and they suggested it could be jealousy/guilt/insecurity but why? And why after all this time?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2021 20:52

Does your Mom have a new partner?

I'd say not inviting her is likely to cause bad feeling going forward. It might still sting but this happened over two decades ago, and if you have kids there will be years of this.

I'd say top table is just parents but then sit sm somewhere near with grandparents etc. Could you go dress shopping twice - dm and a few people then sm and a few few different ones?

Original poster
weddingdilemmma · 08/12/2021 20:52

@AnneLovesGilbert

Are you considering not inviting her? What would that do you relationship with your father?

It’s been 25 years. That’s a very long time. Were your parents together that long? If your mum is prepared to be grown up about it I think you can too. She’s made her life away from bitterness and resentment, sensible as defining yourself by something bad happening to you isn’t the path to happiness, so I wouldn’t make this an issue.

Invite everyone. Ditch a top table if it’ll be awkward. They’re pretty old hat anyway.

Oh no, I'd never not invite her. It just seems she and my dad expect her to play a mother type role. Almost like sharing the mother of the bride duties
OP posts:
Whatelsecouldibecalled · 08/12/2021 20:53

My mum and dad separated when I was two. My dad had a nee partner when I was three and he is still with her now. When I got married I did a 'away' hen do with the girls. No mum MIL SM etc. Then a 'home' hen which was just cocktails cake games etc at my sisters house. I invited SM to that. Along with mum MIL aunties etc.

Only my mum and my sister (also a bridesmaid) came shopping with me for my dress.

On the day we had a traditional top table ish. My and DH in the middle. My dad next to me my mum next to my dad and my sister on the end. Then the same in other side with MIL PIL SIL. Then my SM and SD sat on a table at the front with aunties and uncles they both knew.

Worked well for us but after 30 years of divorce my parents are relatively amicable and I'm pleased to say put their differences aside for our big day

Bananarama21 · 08/12/2021 20:54

I wouldn't have her at the hen do and dress shopping that is something a mother and daughter should share together. Have her at the wedding but on another table. You dm aounds amazing but enjoy that time together without the ow being there to tarnish it.

Original poster
weddingdilemmma · 08/12/2021 20:55

@SleepingStandingUp

Does your Mom have a new partner?

I'd say not inviting her is likely to cause bad feeling going forward. It might still sting but this happened over two decades ago, and if you have kids there will be years of this.

I'd say top table is just parents but then sit sm somewhere near with grandparents etc. Could you go dress shopping twice - dm and a few people then sm and a few few different ones?

No my mum doesn't have a partner just now, although she has in the past.

Ditching the top table might be a great idea!! Although not many people who are going are her biggest fan. My dads family don't particularly like her (not only because of the affair, there was a lot that followed where neither dad or SM did themselves any favours). My dads family still love my mum and get on great with her

OP posts:
olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 08/12/2021 20:56

Just go dress shopping with your DM and friends/ bridesmaids.

One way to avoid the top table issues is just to have your wedding party ie bride and groom, best man and partner and bridesmaids and partners. Then do a nice table of dads family for him and SM and another family / friends one for DM and her partner ( and put these tables at opposite sides of the room).
Absolutely invite your Sm as your dads partner but there's no need to include her on other stuff such as hen do

Bananarama21 · 08/12/2021 20:56

Let your mother enjoy the mother of bride duties going shopping together, hen party and getting ready. She doesn't deserve to be apart of it especially if she's not very pleasant towards her.

drpet49 · 08/12/2021 20:56

** SM on the other hand seems a bit insecure. Already asking if shes invited to hen night, if she'll be sitting at the top table next to my dad, hinting about coming dress shopping etc.
My big worry with this is that why my poor mum is accommodating of her, she's less so with my mum. Seems a bit rich given she was the OW and cheated with my dad while my mum was pregnant (they all knew each other before)**

^Your mother sounds wonderful. Your stepmother sounds like a bitch. She shouldn’t be sat at the top table or go dress shopping with you.

Your mum should take priority.

Inkling2 · 08/12/2021 20:57

In the end OP I sat down with everyone (individually) and told them what I was worried about and just asked them to put a pin in it for one day for my sake. I was so worried about how various people would be with each other but I just did what I wanted to do, I invited who I wanted, spoke to those I was concerned about and then just went for it. They all actually surprised me and were very well behaved! Even more so than I had expected. I cried actually at how well it went between them all and it turned out to be the ice breaker we'd needed after so much time had passed.

I'd be worried about causing a big fall out, by things like not sitting her next to your Dad, for the sake of something that happened 25 years ago personally. Can you not talk to your step mum and just say you're worried about this and see what she says?

Or just don't have a top table? Could you sit with your wedding party bridesmaid etc instead? Mum at the table next to you with her family, Dad and SM at the one the other side of you with his family?

EverNapping · 08/12/2021 20:57

DM at the top table as your mother, SM with family members she gets on with is how I've seen it done.

Haggisfish3 · 08/12/2021 20:57

I had a similar thing. I put sm at table closest to top table with some of her family. Dad went at top table but not next to my mum. Mum went at top table and step father also there but because he played a role in ceremony. Do friends and family see sm as other woman still?

Haggisfish3 · 08/12/2021 20:58

Dress shopping I’d take mum to and invite step mum to see chosen dress separately.

Inkling2 · 08/12/2021 20:58

With regards to the hen could you keep it just friends only? Surely she'd understand if she's not going out with you and your friends? Then just go for a meal with your Mum separately and celebrate you two. That's what I did anyway x

theremustonlybeone · 08/12/2021 20:59

You seem more concerned about upsetting your SM. A woman who has an issue with your mum despite it being her and your father who turned hers and your world upside down. The gall of the woman thinking she would be coming to your hen and dress shopping. Does she think she would be taking place of your mum to these things? Your mum sounds lovely and I would be ensuring she was you who consider in this and stop worrying about upsetting your SM

Inkling2 · 08/12/2021 21:00

I'd also keep dress shopping for just your Mum. Or more like whoever you want to go with! Who I'm assuming is your Mum.

It's the actual wedding that I think is a bit trickier.

InTropicalTrumpsLand · 08/12/2021 21:02

Sounds like you know what you want and you're just afraid to say it.

Why would she attend your hen do? That's for you and friends.
Why would she attend the wedding dress shopping?

It's your wedding. Don't make the mistake of tiptoeing around her. If there's not many people who like her at the wedding there must be a reason for that she will just have to put up with it for a couple hours.

FawnFrenchieMum · 08/12/2021 21:02

My wedding was the first time my parents had stepped foot in the same round since separating 10 years earlier when my mum found out about his affair.
I only had my DM at my hen do, just my chief bridesmaid came dress shopping (but not because of this)
They were very civil, so both my mum & dad came to my house for photos before the wedding, alone without their partners.
Then we had adult bridesmaids, best man & grooms man at the top table. My husbands parents and sister at a table directly in front, my dad, partner & his immediate family to our left and then my mum, partner & her immediate family to our right.
I couldn’t have made my mum & dad sit together at the top table, it would have just been awkward for all concerned.