What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

Are they going to spend any time at their mum's?

I don’t understand why the brothers can’t share ? It isn’t like a very small boy in with an adult. Or a bed in what is now your office ?

Is DSS under the same impression or is this purely coming from DH? My first thought was the same as HollowTalk, what about time with his mum? Just wondering if DSS is actually intending to split the nights between his mum's house and yours in which case there may be less of a problem?

I’m sure l remember an earlier thread about this. And you were advised not to turn dss bedroom into an office.,

Seems like you’ve done it

What's the problem with the boys sharing? Or can you not clear out your office for the week and pop the airbed back in there?

OP, it sounds as though all of this guessing could easily be resistant by a direct conversation with the older son. You can confirm his specific plans and alert him to the fact that he will be sharing space with younger brother.

Why all of the round about as opposed to a direct conversation?

The split of time for youngest is 3 nights at ours, 4 nights at his mum's. Eldest is here for 2 weeks which would mean 6 nights in total here. DSS hasn't been clear about what his intentions are - he is always vague up until the last minute and given I do all of the food shopping and meal planning I kind of need to know.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow some people gave that advice, yes. Others said it was silly to leave a room unused for 95% of the year. I went with the latter opinion.

@Tattler2 because quite frankly it's like nailing jelly to a wall trying to get him to confirm his plans.

@SilverHairedCat I will be working over some of the Christmas period so I need my office.

Are you working over that period or not? If you’re on holiday, put a bed for him in the office. If you are working, give him the choice of bed in the office but must vacate at X time on the relevant days so you can work, or sharing with his brother.

Sorry X post, but the point stands. Tell him the days you need the room and give him a choice.

Is there space in the office to have a sofa bed so that he can at least sleep in the room assuming you work during the day that would be useful at other times not just Christmas. Otherwise I don’t see a problem with a 14 yr old and a 21 yr old sharing a room for a few days. Will your Dd have a room, for the whole of the holidays? If so I think it’s unreasonable that you are not making your DSS feel welcome over Christmas. Realistically how much extra food / bother is it to cater for 5 instead of 4, if he’s vague about dinner plans any left overs could be used by him for lunch the next day surely.

Dss should be welcome. As long as he knows sleeping arrangements he should be able to stay, if not suitable he may opt to go to his mums but I wouldn't suggest he should.

I'm struggling to see the issue with the two DSS sharing a room for a week. Why's it a problem?

Of course my DD will have a room for the whole of the holidays - she only has one home. That's the subtle difference here.

I'm not suggesting he won't be made welcome. I just don't think everyone's thought through the implications of being on top of each other 24/7.

You need to grey rock this.

If the brothers are happy to share just let them. Don't get involved, it's no big deal. Keep tie door closed and you can't see the mess!

If they're not happy to share, eldest can sleep at his mums and still visit during the day.

Don't get involved. You can't win. Let DH sort it.

Just checked again and it's actually 2 lots of 3 nights. So not even a full week. Just chill, it's no big deal, stay out of it.

Is there a larger bedroom thar one of the DC use that could accommodate a bed and office space?

I would use that as office space so each DC can have a bed in the evening if all at your home.

It’s not 24/7 though. It is 24/3 then 4 days with the 14 year old at his mum then another 24/3.

Are you off work for either of the 24/3s? In which case you can offer him the study for those days. Or he may be happy to share with his brother.

I agree that 6 days on the trot would be hard but as it is split into two threes I think it will be fine.

What’s the problem with him having an air bed in the office?

Give him your office, it’s just for 6 days and you can work from your bedroom for those days.

It's 6 nights. Put the airbed in the office for him and work in your bedroom on the few days you need to.

You won't be any more on top of each other than if he was in the office. Only difference is brothers will be sharing which is their issue to decide on. The common areas are the same as they always have been.

It may be dss realises he wants on space during visit and leaves early on goes to mums. I wouldn't try and micromanage it as it will appear unwelcoming if even not intended.

no longer have a spare room as I needed office space

Do you really need that office space for the duration of the visit? Could you make space for a sofa bed in the office?

Put a bed in the office and move out for 6 nights. It's not hard.

I did the same for my children when I had a separate room to work in, and in fact gave that room up for my dd (who is at university) and have a desk in my bedroom instead.

It's 6 nights, you're at risk of making him feel really unwelcome. I'd say you can have the office/bedroom to sleep in but between xxam and xxpm I will need you out so that I can work. I don't really see what the big deal is to be honest, most families are all under each others feet over Christmas. I can't see why he can't stay with his brother though either though just for a few nights.