What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

I don't personally think the food shopping will be hard but OP does DSS hasn't been clear about what his intentions are - he is always vague up until the last minute and given I do all of the food shopping and meal planning I kind of need to know. so why should she struggle with this? Let DH do the shopping and meal planning if it's that much of an issue.

It’s probably already been suggested- but for those 6 days why can’t you simply work out of your bedroom as you did before. Or even work out of your bedroom in the mornings until he is up and about. Surely that’s the simplest option?

It’s 6 nights, not 6 weeks! It will be fine.

@CloudyStorms you have hit the nail on the head there. In the past I have been relied on to do all of the washing/cooking/shopping etc etc for all three kids, and this is when they were all at home full time and not away at uni. I drew a line and told DH he was taking advantage and that I would no longer be taking on everything. I am not going back to that place where it was assumed that I would just take on the additional load.

Good for you. Just make sure you don't cave!

There's a bit of a difference between taking on the full mental and physical load and ordering an air mattress and some extra roast potatoes.
DSS is 21 so it's a long time since he has been living at home full time.
If you expect your DH to do those things that's fine, but it would take very little time to inform him of that, as a gesture of kindness to his DS.

two brothers share a room no big deal for 6 nights it wouldn't be a big deal for longer either just get a blow up air bed

he does need something to sleep in however so that needs sorting

or DH just tells him you need to share aroom with your brother or if you sleep in sunshine's office you need to be out of it by 8.30 so she can work so I think overall sharing with your brother will be better as I know 8.30 is a bit early in the holidays but Sunshine has to work

I don't want to have to be turfing him out in order that I can log on on time.

Is there really nowhere else you can use to work for six days, to make him feel welcome.

If you are trying to not make him feel welcome so he doesn't visit in future, then fair enough.

@Tattler2

OP, it sounds as though all of this guessing could easily be resistant by a direct conversation with the older son. You can confirm his specific plans and alert him to the fact that he will be sharing space with younger brother.

Why all of the round about as opposed to a direct conversation?

I disagree with that.

It's up to his dad to let him know. Not the OP.
The OP butting in would be the best way to ensure that she is made to be the one at fault.

However, HE needs t have a chat with his ds!!

As for sharing, tbh, i can't see the issue with two brothers sharing for a few nights once in the year.

Can't you put an air bed in your office, it's what we do for my student dd who rarely is here

Are you working the whole Christmas period? Could he sleep in your office for Christmas eve to Christmas day?

Fwiw I'd have a word with your DH to remond him that sorting out where his ds will sleep etc.. is his responsibility.

Then when ds1 has arrived, your answer to any question along the lines of 'why is there nowhere for me to sleep?' is 'You need to have a word with your father. He shoud have sorted it all'.
If said DH starts flapping etc... you need a similar answer.
Grey rick. Not getting angry but not facilitating either.

You took a decision TOGETHER on how to use the spare bedroom.
You also had some discussions about responsibility making it clear his dcs were HIS responsibility.

You need to stick to that.

@FinallyHere

I don't want to have to be turfing him out in order that I can log on on time.

Is there really nowhere else you can use to work for six days, to make him feel welcome.

If you are trying to not make him feel welcome so he doesn't visit in future, then fair enough.

You see for me, ti make that young adult feel welcome, I would make sure he has a bed, somehwere to put his stuff in (like a drawer etc...).

I would NOT find a matress in an office somewhere welcoming or like someone has made an effort for me (unless you are suggesting that the OP also moves all the furniture out?).
Bit simply making it clear that you have made the arrangment as cozy and comfortable as possible, which can be done in the other room where his brother sleeps (from time to time).

@sunshinelover69 has his borther (the 14yo) been told before that the bedroom would need to be shared with his brother or is it going to be a surpise for him too?

I think you are overthinking it. An airbed in with his brother is fine, just remind your DH he'd better get one on order.

@LostForIdeas I have asked DH if he has had that conversation with his youngest and he just said 'oh X will just go along with whatever.' So I would guess not.

I have a very similar situation for Xmas (and am also trying to nail jelly to a wall ).

We all NEED our space mentally, I’m trying not to stress about it - we’ve all said we’ll play it by ear and do a bit of musical beds for whoever’s having the biggest internal breakdown that day

Putting away all the spare bedding and tidying up first thing will help keep the chaos down.

[quote sunshinelover69]@LostForIdeas I have asked DH if he has had that conversation with his youngest and he just said 'oh X will just go along with whatever.' So I would guess not.[/quote]
That's sorted then. You've prompted him to think about it. Not your problem if he doesn't.

@sunshinelover69

Sorry but it hasn't been 'his son's bedroom' for a very long time since he's never here and we mutually agreed that we would use the space in the house to the best effect. Honestly, I am not going to be one of those women who takes on all of the mental load for the stepkids.

It’s an air bed.

[quote sunshinelover69]@LostForIdeas I have asked DH if he has had that conversation with his youngest and he just said 'oh X will just go along with whatever.' So I would guess not.[/quote]
Then what's the problem. You're the only one that seems to think letting them sort themselves out will cause massive issues. Why are you even posting if your dh is happy that the boys will go along with whatever. You're taking on the mental load even though your dh hasn't even asked you to!

You don’t say if your daughter lives in the house full time or goes away for uni and is coming back for the break. In fact you do say she only has one home - implying your step son can stay at his mums while she can’t stay at her dads. But that’s not really the point is it. The point is making this stepson feel welcome in his dads home.
If the situation was reversed and your daughter needed a room - would you move out of your office back to your bedroom for the two weeks? I would. And I would also do that for your stepson.

You’ve tried to talk to him and he’s shrugging his shoulders. That’s fine. So you know that all arrangements are with him and he can sort bedroom allocation, Amazon an air bed for same day delivery or whatever. His kids, his plans, his arrangements. And you have to stick to that.

I don’t think food shopping for 4 or 5 is a big deal and wouldn’t be stressing about it. If you’re finding it too stressful then offload the whole job onto DP but it’ll then be up to him and it sounds like that might also stress you out.

You’re being mean. You should give him your office and work in your bedroom. It’s 6 days.

I would be really sad if it was my young adult ds being made so unwelcome at his df’s.. Sharing with a sibling / air bed in an office is fine, telling him not to come really isn’t. Any resentment you feel towards your dh re mental load really isn’t dss’s problem to deal with. And is a conversation for another day.

I think it’s mean not to give him your office and work in your bedroom for 6 days. You are making it harder than it is.

You were completely reasonable converting that room into an office.

DSS1 will be in our spare bedroom and DSS 2 in my home office on a sofa bed. They will both have their girlfriends with them.

I'd simply just work elsewhere for any working days. It's as simple as that. Tell DH the plan and let him know he needs to sort out a bed, duvet, pillows, covers etc.

I'm very excited DD will have her brothers here for Christmas.