What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

@sunshinelover69

Slightly surprised there is no air bed already. The study transition was months ago. If you're expecting DH to buy it, don't forget to tell him, unless of course your real goal is for DSS not to stay over at all.

Why do I have to do all of my husband's thinking for him?! I do all of the household admin/bill paying/food buying/meal planning. I am not his PA.

You are the one, who took over the room though, correct? Had you not done this, there would still be a bed. What this is saying is that part of the responsibility of bed buying is on you even if it is only to remind your dh. Unless it’s a single room, you could buy a small sofa or chair bed.

@sunshinelover69

Sorry but it hasn't been 'his son's bedroom' for a very long time since he's never here and we mutually agreed that we would use the space in the house to the best effect. Honestly, I am not going to be one of those women who takes on all of the mental load for the stepkids.

No one is asking you to take it all on. BUT you were the one that turned his room into YOUR OFFICE. you need to take some responsibility to sort it

It's not an option for him to sleep in my office. He doesn't surface until lunchtime and I don't want to have to be turfing him out in order that I can log on on time.

Can’t you just work in another room the few days he’s here?

Thry can share a room. It's like entitlement by proxy. No one is going to die because there brother is in an adjacent bed for 2x3 nights. If thry want to doing anything private, they can use the bathroom.

I just don't think everyone's thought through the implications of being on top of each other 24/7 sare you all going to sit in a tiny 3 bed for two weeks solid? Will you not be going anywhere or him popping to him Mom's? Will the kids not see mates or spend time in their room?

I don't understand why the brothers can't share? It's not like one is a baby that goes to bed at 7.

And just remind your dh to order a fold up mattress from Amazon.

Why are you making such heavy weather about this?

And you don't need to buy an airbed or tell the adult to do so. At most remind him he needs to sort out a bed. Otherwise you just say of course he's welcome, and carry on.

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There's the solution. Either in your office or in his brother's room.

He's still your step son and should always be welcome.

Why can't you wheel your desk into your bedroom for the time he's there and he can have the office to himself. Like you said it's only six days. At least one of which the room will stand empty.

@sunshinelover69

Slightly surprised there is no air bed already. The study transition was months ago. If you're expecting DH to buy it, don't forget to tell him, unless of course your real goal is for DSS not to stay over at all.

Why do I have to do all of my husband's thinking for him?! I do all of the household admin/bill paying/food buying/meal planning. I am not his PA.

No, you are not his pa but it's is you that has taken over his son's bedroom as your office so I would think it's your responsibility to sort out his sleeping arrangements.

@sunshinelover69

Of course my DD will have a room for the whole of the holidays - she only has one home. That's the subtle difference here.

I'm not suggesting he won't be made welcome. I just don't think everyone's thought through the implications of being on top of each other 24/7.

If he ends up feeling on top of everyone then just let him find that out for himself, it won't be the end of the world.

As a stepmum and a pretty average one I normally fall heavily on the side of other step mums but in this instance I think you’re being very unreasonable. By all means I see no problem with turning a 21yr olds room into an office if it’s only used a few nights a year but you have to allow for a viable alternative.

You say your stepsons need their own space like they’re going to have to share for a couple of months! It’s just a few nights, I can’t see why that’s a problem at all. Equally I can’t see why it would be a problem for you to just work in another room for a few days - you obviously managed to do that before you claimed the bedroom.

I hate it when people say this normally but it honestly does sound like you just don’t want him there. Christmas in most houses is busy and chaotic and full of people surely! Your daughters situation seems completely irrelevant.

I would not have left a university student without a real bed in his father’s home.

Murphy bed in the office and the rare nights he is there you work in the bedroom.

Bunk beds in the now shared boys room. - probably the easiest option, especially at this point

Repurpose some other space in the house if at all possible.

Order the bed linked above to be delivered.

Move computer into your room for the Christmas period.

All sorted.

Let your DH deal with the sleeping arrangements for his sons. Don't stress about it. He can order their food in too. I don't see what the deal is. His boys will just have to share.

I have an adult stepson. For me he always needed his own space, until he bought his own house. Now that he has his own house we’ve used his bedroom, but I wouldn’t have turned his room into an office. Whilst he’s here visiting you should really give him his room back and work in your bedroom. I think you’re making an issue of something that can be easily solved.

Honestly, I am not going to be one of those women who takes on all of the mental load for the stepkids. good then stop worrying about it and let DH sort out his kids

@Babyiskickingmyribs

Are you working over that period or not? If you’re on holiday, put a bed for him in the office. If you are working, give him the choice of bed in the office but must vacate at X time on the relevant days so you can work, or sharing with his brother.

This. It’s not that difficult. 6 days isn’t a lot to stay with his Dad

He can order their food in too so OP cooks a meal for her, DD and DH on Christmas day and Dad buys the lads a ready meal or cooks his own turkey and trimming separately??

It sounds as though you're looking for approval from randoms on the internet to keep your office, and to not play any part in having your DH's son have somewhere to sleep when he visits your DH.

Sure, you can do this. I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to facilitate the visit of one of my DH's friends if he wanted to crash at ours for a few days over the holidays. His friend, his choice, his home, he could do what he wants, I just wouldn't want to be bothered about it.

I wouldn't take the same approach to my DH's son. I know what it's like to be a parent. I love my DH. I don't resent my DH for being useless with household stuff - it's the quid pro quo for me being useless at the stuff he does for me.

If my relationship with my DH was completely equal, one where we are entirely independent of each other and just happen to live in the same house in a romantic set-up, well maybe I'd take the same approach as you are. I doubt that's the case for you, though, seeing as your child lives with your DH permanently.

So much boundary setting here. Preserving space and time and energy for yourself. I just don't think that works in a nuclear family set-up, let alone an infinitely more complicated blended family set-up. Same goes for your DH, nothing specific to a DSM.

@MarcelineMissouri

As a stepmum and a pretty average one I normally fall heavily on the side of other step mums but in this instance I think you’re being very unreasonable. By all means I see no problem with turning a 21yr olds room into an office if it’s only used a few nights a year but you have to allow for a viable alternative.

You say your stepsons need their own space like they’re going to have to share for a couple of months! It’s just a few nights, I can’t see why that’s a problem at all. Equally I can’t see why it would be a problem for you to just work in another room for a few days - you obviously managed to do that before you claimed the bedroom.

I hate it when people say this normally but it honestly does sound like you just don’t want him there. Christmas in most houses is busy and chaotic and full of people surely! Your daughters situation seems completely irrelevant.

Yes. There is a definite air of him not feeling welcome I’d bet. No wonder he doesn’t spend much time there.

He's 21 and at uni, he'll have slept in worse places than an air bed on the floor.

Honestly, it's coming across in this thread as if you're finding excuses for him not to stay - it's only 6 days, you make do with what you've got so your husband can spend time with his son he hardly ever sees

OP you're being deliberately churlish. It would have taken less time to order the air bed than it has defending why you haven't ordered one.

I certainly don't expect stepmums to pick up their DHs load, but this is literally a 5 minute job.

Why it's almost as if you don't want DSS to stay overnight at all.

@SleepingStandingUp

He can order their food in too so OP cooks a meal for her, DD and DH on Christmas day and Dad buys the lads a ready meal or cooks his own turkey and trimming separately??

No he can make sure there's enough food for his sons, whether that be by ordering the food for all the family or separately. It's not fair to let OP have the extra work to do.

Jeez what a load of extra work making sure there is enough food for 5 rather than 4 .

Another vote for ‘it’s fine for the boys to share’ or ‘move your work stuff out of the office and let him stay there. Both perfectly reasonable options. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. DSS should be able to come back and visit his father with open arms and without obstacles being found to make it seem difficult.