What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

It's 6 days, or rather 2 x3. He can share with his brother. It is not a big deal unless you all make it one.

How hard would it be to move your desk and chair, laptop etc into your bedroom for a few weeks whilst your DSS is there? Surely not too difficult?

This wouldnt bother me in the slightest, its not a problem unless your making it one.
It sounds as though your not keen on wanting him there.

Christmas is time to bunk in with each other so I wouldn't worry about the boys sharing - maybe let 221yr old have a set of drawers or storage in the office temporarily and just the bed in his brothers room or let him sleep downstairs. I would try and get him a foam matress or one of those chair matress things as air beds are the pits unless you spend ££££ on them

21 not 221 obv

[quote sunshinelover69]@LostForIdeas I have asked DH if he has had that conversation with his youngest and he just said 'oh X will just go along with whatever.' So I would guess not.[/quote]
Well you clearly have a massive DH issue here.
And a crap father to his dcs….

@Moonface123

This wouldnt bother me in the slightest, its not a problem unless your making it one. It sounds as though your not keen on wanting him there.

Is it the OP that makes it a problem or is her DH?

You know the one who hasn’t told his younger ds that he will be sharing.
The one who hasn’t told his older ds about the arrangement.
The one who hasn’t organise anything for his older dc to sleep on.
And the one who AGREED to the use of the spare bedroom.

I mean it seems that the only person who is caring enough for that 21 yo is the OP. The father… the person who SHOULD want to make his own child confortable doesn’t seem to be. No wonder he isn’t ‘going back home’ often and prefers to stay at his Uni town working.

Unless of course, you are all saying that ensuring ‘guests’, Incl step children etc.., are always the woman’s responsibility, even said ‘guests’/family members aren’t hers

But the brothers are probably perfectly happy to sleep in the same room for a few nights as long as somebody spends 5 minutes ordering an air bed for him - as it was agreed would happen when spare bedroom was turned into a permanent study.

OP apparently won't do it as it's not her job and it's unlikely the DH will do it unless he's specifically told to as he seems a bit impractical.

I suspect no airbed will be bought and DSS will get the message loud and clear.

In fact the DSS would probably be happy on the floor if he got a warm welcome and felt genuinely wanted in his DFs home.

I disagree lost. It sounds like the dh knows his sons are pretty flexible and happy to go with the flow, and that no big debate and navel gazing is needed.

OP seems to think it's a huge issue - I suspect she's a bit of a control freak!

Bunking down with a teenage brother is really not a big deal for most families.

Am I being stupid here but a lot of people are saying the OP shouldn't take the load of her step-sons for her husband. Her daughter lives there all the time and doesn't even see her dad so I'm sure she should do for 6 days, what her husband does for her daughter all the time.

Your take is interesting @titchy because so many posters on here seem to think that not giving a room of his own to ds1 is the sign that he isn’t welcome and that the OP should make an effort to make him welcome…..

Reality is it can’t be both.

If the two ds are happy sharing, sleeping in the floor etc… yes I agree, it’s a lot of fuss made for no reason at all.

But is it?
And why is the father not checking all that in the first place?
I mean I would want to ensure that my dcs (adult or not) are comfortable in the first place. Wouldn’t you? (And yes for me at least, it would mean having an air bed because it IS more comfortable than the floor or a camping mat on the floor)

@sunshinelover69

Sorry but it hasn't been 'his son's bedroom' for a very long time since he's never here and we mutually agreed that we would use the space in the house to the best effect. Honestly, I am not going to be one of those women who takes on all of the mental load for the stepkids.

You don't have to take on 'all the mental load', but you absolutely should make him feel welcome. Just work in your bedroom for the days he's there's, it's hardly the end of the world. You sound very antagonistic towards him. He's will sense that on some level - surely it's in everyone's best interests to get along happily and feel valued (I've got stepsons too).

@supersonicginandtonic

Am I being stupid here but a lot of people are saying the OP shouldn't take the load of her step-sons for her husband. Her daughter lives there all the time and doesn't even see her dad so I'm sure she should do for 6 days, what her husband does for her daughter all the time.

But does he?

Because from what the OP said, he has form to do as little as possible!

It sounds like you have several options!

You can put an airbed in the office - you can move it during the time when you need to work or just work in your room for those couple of days. This sounds like the most reasonable thing to do.

Or the boys can share together. It's only a few days so not a big deal.

What are you suggesting, that your DSS never stays over again?

If you both contribute towards the cost of the house and the kids living there full time then I’d expect there to be a bit of give and take, especially as it was your idea to turn DSS bedroom into an office. You should be the one buying the air mattress not DH as you’re the one who has benefitted from this entire situation. You can’t just absolve responsibility whenever you like.

@sunshinelover69

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

Seeing as it is a 6 day/night visit couldn't you just move your computer bits back to the corner of your bedroom?

Seson that's in it etc.....

I’m not sure how you will be on top of each other. They share a room and that’s it. their dad needs to communicate with them to let them know the plans. I have 4 kids and no one is on top of each other. My eldest 2 are 20 &16 but if they needed to share they would no bother at all.

You sound like you don't want him there. I'm sure you could move your work stuff into your bedroom for 6 days, to let him use his old room. It's not taking the mental load it's being kind and thinking of others not just yourself. You won't though because it's clear you don't want to accommodate him.

@OatALot

You were completely reasonable converting that room into an office.

DSS1 will be in our spare bedroom and DSS 2 in my home office on a sofa bed. They will both have their girlfriends with them.

I'd simply just work elsewhere for any working days. It's as simple as that. Tell DH the plan and let him know he needs to sort out a bed, duvet, pillows, covers etc.

I'm very excited DD will have her brothers here for Christmas.

This

FGS 2 brothers can share room for a few days at Christmas. Their father needs to sort an airbed.

It sounds like you’re just looking for reasons for him not to come. People up and down the country will be squeezing into each others’ homes for Christmas. You haven’t lost any space so I don’t know how you will be under each others’ feet. It really doesn’t matter who orders the air bed but someone needs to get on with it. I’m sure the brothers won’t mind sharing for a few nights.

There's no way in this world you'd allow your dh to treat your dd like this if it were the other way round so why are you treating your dss like this?

I don’t understand why you can’t work from your bedroom for the 6 days he is at yours so he can sleep in your office. Sounds a bit selfish to be honest.
Alternatively he can share with his brother.
It is not even 6 nights in a row but 2 times 3 nights, so again what is the issue?

We had relatives every Xmas. The kids were turfed out of their rooms and made to share with each other. Can't see why this is a big issue. You are making something out of nothing - they just need to share for 6 days or you give him the study and you work from your bedroom