What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

If we have more people than beds in the house, then I push my desk against the wall, stash the chair elsewhere and we put the very comfortable double height airbed in my office. In fact we've even had ds on an airbed in our ensuite to further make room for guests, so I think you could make room for your dss

My eldest ds doesn't have a room at home (he's away at university) whenever he comes back, we all just re-jig and share where we have to. I don't see why it's any different for you.

(and my children do have a bed at their dads as well as mine).

I don't get the big deal with sharing for 6 nights? Otherwise find somewhere else to put up a bed- e.g. the office if you don't work overnight or living room?
My sister is going to sleep in what is now my dad's office. I assume he will work there during the day and she will just be in the room at night.

OK it feels like I'm being a bit unreasonable then and I need to adjust my expectations which is fine.

It's not an option for him to sleep in my office. He doesn't surface until lunchtime and I don't want to have to be turfing him out in order that I can log on on time.

My DH hasn't even thought about buying an airbed etc which is half the problem - in my mind it's something he needs to sort, not me.

I remember that thread OP.
Just let the poor boy visit his DF and be a part of the family. The airbed will presumably fit in the study at night or all the time if you're not working over Christmas.
If the arrangement is untenable then DSS will vote with his feet.

You seem like you are overthinking and trying to control this.

He's 21 - at that age plans are fluid and flexible.

Just buy food including him. It's no big deal.

Let him sleep on the air bed often your office. He'll just be sleeping.

It seems like you're trying to put a negative spin on this - just enjoy it for what it is.

So either tell your DH to order an airbed or do it now, would take one minute to do on Amazon.

I would have thought 6 days sharing a cramped room over christmas/new year should be perfectly manageable to be honest. Perhaps slightly different if a school exam year

@SirVixofVixHall

I don’t understand why the brothers can’t share ? It isn’t like a very small boy in with an adult. Or a bed in what is now your office ?

This. What’s the big deal with the brothers sharing or indeed you tidying up the office and him sleeping there?

An air bed can be bought the day before, hardly a rare comodity. Don’t overthink it.

Another vote for grey rock. I would literally just spell out he has 2 options;

1. shares with brother OR
2. sleeps in office but has vacated it and tidied up for 10 minutes before you start work

Then step away, DH can make this happen and deal with detail like ordering air beds, making them up etc. Why do you need to sort it?!

There is no issue here - the brothers share a room, you either buy an air mattress in Argos for £15, or you borrow a single mattress from a friend for the week.

Let them share, its fine. Order an airbed from amazon so it arrives tomorrow.

I remember your thread. So you listened to those saying it was fine to take over your dsis’s room. Choices = consequences. Will you actual be working over those 6 days? Why can’t you put your things in your bedroom for a few nights and work in there?

Slightly surprised there is no air bed already. The study transition was months ago. If you're expecting DH to buy it, don't forget to tell him, unless of course your real goal is for DSS not to stay over at all.

We used to visit family at Christmas and were often all put in a room on camp beds with siblings / cousins for days on end - huge age range. I remember on Christmas at my nan's where I was in with Nan and 3 older cousins. It was only for sleeping and we managed perfectly fine. They'll be ok!

@sunshinelover69

OK it feels like I'm being a bit unreasonable then and I need to adjust my expectations which is fine.

It's not an option for him to sleep in my office. He doesn't surface until lunchtime and I don't want to have to be turfing him out in order that I can log on on time.

My DH hasn't even thought about buying an airbed etc which is half the problem - in my mind it's something he needs to sort, not me.

I think you move out of the office for the time he’s visiting- it’s really not a big deal.

You sound like you don’t want him to come and stay which is really sad - how would you feel for f your dh acted this way towards your daughter?

@Anoisagusaris

Give him your office, it’s just for 6 days and you can work from your bedroom for those days.

I agree. I think you need to put yourself out here. It’s not his fault your Dd doesn’t see her Dad. It really sounds like she’s getting preferential treatment even though they’re both young adults. Make him feel Welcome. It’ll be obvious to him you don’t want him staying.

Slightly surprised there is no air bed already. The study transition was months ago. If you're expecting DH to buy it, don't forget to tell him, unless of course your real goal is for DSS not to stay over at all.

Why do I have to do all of my husband's thinking for him?! I do all of the household admin/bill paying/food buying/meal planning. I am not his PA.

Why do I have to do all of my husband's thinking for him?! I do all of the household admin/bill paying/food buying/meal planning. I am not his PA

Of course you don’t but you did turn his sons bedroom into your office so I do think there is some onus on you sorting this out - he lost his room for your benefit after all.

@Pinkyxx

We used to visit family at Christmas and were often all put in a room on camp beds with siblings / cousins for days on end - huge age range. I remember on Christmas at my nan's where I was in with Nan and 3 older cousins. It was only for sleeping and we managed perfectly fine. They'll be ok!

This. As a child I slept on a camp bed in my parents' bedroom every Christmas as my uncle had my bedroom during that time. If they can't share then maybe the younger one could sleep in your room on a cqmp bed like I did?

Just move your work stuff to your own bedroom for six days and put him in your office...! Amazed you are making such a big deal out of it.

Find some Christmas spirit

@sunshinelover69 l would step away from the organising and PA type tasks. The problem is l have noticed, the more you do then often the more people want you to do

Sorry but it hasn't been 'his son's bedroom' for a very long time since he's never here and we mutually agreed that we would use the space in the house to the best effect. Honestly, I am not going to be one of those women who takes on all of the mental load for the stepkids.

Can you not re adjust your office room and let DSS set up in there. pack all the non essentials away and set him up a bed/bedside table ect.

Please make him feel welcome and that he still a place in your home.