What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

Yes I'm aware of that, but she didn't want him staying anyway, even when he had given notice! This is just another way of justifying it.

@rookiemere

The original question was thoroughly debated some days ago and OP has reposted due to the unexpected home visit.

OP I think your DH is CEV so certainly his DS should not be going anywhere near him until he has a negative PCR and a few negative lateral flow tests after that as well.

Well remembered - yes he is CEV.

@asha456 he hadn't 'given notice' - he had no firm plans despite being asked several times. And then decided yesterday completely out of the blue that he would be arriving, having been a close contact of a positive covid test. But I guess as he's a stepchild he should be entitled to do that 🙄

General comment about you g adults.... they might say they're settled in their uni town but they are actually, metaphorically all over the place, and in reality unsure if their place in the world. Doubly so if their parents are in two different places. Despite leaving uni into a grown up job I had to sofa surf around the country with it, and used to drop in on my parents unanounced. I wonder if this infuriated or delighted them? I never asked!
Now I'm the grown up and my grown up children are rubbish at committing to when they might come home and how long their might stay. And I don't mind. Not one bit.
What I'm saying OP, is don't take it personally; it's the nature of the young adult beast. You seem fortunate to have a nice big house with some flexibility too.

So is your DD at uni and do you also consider her to be a visiting relative who may stay "the odd night" after having made a booking?

@asha456

So is your DD at uni and do you also consider her to be a visiting relative who may stay "the odd night" after having made a booking?

My DD is three years younger and has only just gone to uni. Plus I am her RP and she is NC with her dad for reasons that are not her fault. So she does not have another home other than her uni halls. My SS has a room at his mum's, she is his RP. But I know I will now have a new one ripped since I'm not 'treating them all the same.'

And then decided yesterday completely out of the blue that he would be arriving, having been a close contact of a positive covid test. But I guess as he's a stepchild he should be entitled to do that

Didn’t he say he had planned to come yesterday but now couldn’t because he was close contact with a positive case?

@TisTheSeasonToBeVegan I updated after that - his mum went to collect him.

I updated after that - his mum went to collect him.

Yes, I saw that but I presumed she was taking him to her house as you didn’t mention he was expecting to be dropped to your house?

@asha456 you are literally arguing into a vacuum. You're interpreting words to suit your narrative.
Op was "under the assumption". That is not the same as saying "I don't want dss staying here".
Her dh could have given her the impression dss was only staying a day or so. Dss could have given her/his dad the impression he was only staying a day or two or had planned to stay with his dm the majority of the time!
We don't know their general set up & if dss generally spends the majority of time at his dms (fir whatever reason) then it is a natural assumption to think he may do sane over Christmas.

@asha456

Let me guess, you are not working from home over Christmas? You are not doing the heavy lifting financially supporting your household? You can drop whatever it is you are doing at a moment's notice?

I'm sure the OP would be far more relaxed about all of this if she wasn't carrying so much responsibility already.

Are you now saying his mum was picking him up to bring him to your house. Did he call and say I’m on my way?

@TisTheSeasonToBeVegan

Are you now saying his mum was picking him up to bring him to your house. Did he call and say I’m on my way?

She was taking him back to hers. But he was assuming that he would come over with his brother mid week.

She was taking him back to hers. But he was assuming that he would come over with his brother mid week.

After a negative PCR?

@sunshinelover69

I think you need a big new freezer, quick! And a Cook shop within delivery distance

www.cookfood.net/

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@sunshinelover69

I think you need a big new freezer, quick! And a Cook shop within delivery distance

www.cookfood.net/[/quote]
Ah we have one of those about a mile away. Will send husband to stock up.

What in fresh hell is going down on this post. Aghhh there are so many assumptions going on it's literally breaking my brain. The default is always unless you lie down and literally let people walk over you as a SM your excluding the SC, what's worse is the DC are actually weaponised to feed into the mentality.

The chain is so long and OP has covered extensively that it's not about trying to exclude the SC, she's just bit anxious, with Covid people people have different risk tolerances which is ok.* *
*
I would be wanting a negative test from either DD or SD if I was on OPs shoes.* Nothing to do with being step family or not.

I do think the daughter's situation is somewhat relevant, I'll be in the same position when I move in with DP, my daughter only has a home with me so we've agreed she will get the second largest bedroom, DPs DC have their main bedroom at their mums where they keep 99% of their stuff, that won't change when their older and go to Uni, their mums home will be their main home in the holidays.

However, we will always have room for all dc, we're planning to buy a property with enough bedrooms but if not we'll have a plan, even if it's a shared room or an office that doubles as an occasional bedroom. In these circumstances I would relocate my desk into my bedroom over Christmas and give the DS the office with an air bed, which should have been bought when the bedroom was changed into an office.

@candlelightsatdawn probably my fault for reopening it but was stressing about the whole Covid situation.

@sunshinelover69 no, take no more blame. Your entitled to post asking for advice, esp given covid rules.

It's probably showing up on the popular thread post so it's gaining traction again.

💐

She was taking him back to hers. But he was assuming that he would come over with his brother mid week.

Was he planning to do a PCR test first? If so I can understand why he thought he’d be ok to come to you afterwards if it’s negative as that’s allowed.
Of course, you can choose to be more careful and ask him to not come until 10 days after to minimise the chance of him later testing positive. As his dad is vulnerable, that seems reasonable.

If he wasn’t planning on doing a PCR before seeing you, then I’d be telling him that he needs to do one.

I agree @candlelightsatdawn - this is just one of those threads that get increasingly more bonkers.

I do remember the original thread, it was posted in the summer I think. And in that I did personally get the impression that OP just doesn’t like her SS. And it kind of comes across here too, sorry OP I don’t mean it in a horrible way, I’ve stuck up for stepparents plenty on here. And also, if you don’t like him that’s not your fault really either, we don’t have to like everyone we come across!

It’s just an awkward situation because he’s your husband’s son, so he’s not someone you can just cut out of your life. I guess in the big scheme of things it won’t be for long that he’s there with you all, and it might mean a lot to his brother and dad.

A separate issue is you feeling like you’re having to do EVERYTHING. That’s not ok, especially as you’re working as well over Christmas. I’d have a ‘meeting’ of some sorts when everyone is together and you could maybe outline some chores/tasks/jobs that you expect everyone to help with over the next couple of weeks. Don’t be a servant or martyr to everyone else, it’s simply unacceptable for one person to carry the entire load at Christmas.

Completely second this. If you're the only one working (and DH, DD and DSS are not), then they should be doing all the washing, cooking and cleaning surely? I would make it perfectly clear that you won't be taking any of that on, on top of your work, and that it's up to DH to sort, arrange and assign people their jobs!

Is DSS still a student or graduated already? I realised in retrospect that my DC had effectively left home before uni but still came home the summer after while looking for work…. Then lived in a house share for a few years with most stuff in the bedroom at home. I think they really move out when they rent/buy alone or with a partner. So I’m interested if the DSS already feels to have moved on… even then there are still crises when they need you to be the parent….

Young people seem to conduct themselves without much forward planning & it does get irritating eg re food & expectations of being collected from a distant station with little notice. We put up with our DCs more easily than our SCs I think… DPs student DCs have not confirmed what they are doing & when/if they are coming but there’s nothing I can do - I hope we will just buy enough & accept leftovers as otherwise I am always hungry as they eat a lot!

OP I do wonder if all these ‘practical’ suggestions are missing the mark and that the real problem is something else you haven’t stated eg related to yr DH leaving everything domestic to you or being so last minute that you have to do it in case he doesn’t? As well as benefitting from your house & earnings.

I presume DSS wants to have some family time with DF etc which he might miss if he went back to his mum’s to sleep - and couldn’t have a drink if driving…

It’s irritating if DSCs or DCs don’t acknowledge what you do for them, are maybe offhand but still expect you to wait on them… my DC help with cooking and clearing but DPs do nothing. It infuriates me that they are so lazy but nothing has ever been expected of them…. We have had several rows about this when they were living with us for months at a time but I am hoping I can rise above it for a few days… Is there such an issue between you and the older DSS? I am just wondering pls don’t think I’m attacking you