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What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

396 replies

sunshinelover69 · 08/12/2021 12:23

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
sunshinelover69 · 13/12/2021 19:18

@Palava57 I don't think you're attacking me but I don't know quite how to answer your questions. Do I do most of the running of the household? Yes. Before DSS went to uni I was doing everyone's laundry as I was the only one WFH at the time. The kids will do tasks if asked but will not notice when things need doing. They don't offer to cook. They very much expect to be 'looked after' - and I'm including my own daughter in that. As for the question regarding driving, DSS has never learnt to drive and still has to rely on his dad taxi-ing him around. Anyway, I'm sure it'll work itself out in the end, I'm just determined not to be put upon and end up doing all of the running around after them all.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/12/2021 06:14

I wouldn’t let him in without a negative test.

DiamondBright · 14/12/2021 09:54

@sunshinelover69

Or maybe he genuinely feels at home as he is so settled, and he is mature enough to be living independently? But obviously as he is a stepchild there has to be another agenda....

How long do we reasonably keep bedrooms free for adults who have left home? Adults who also have another bedroom on the other side of town? Till they're 30? 40? 50? Honestly, sometimes this forum descends into total madness.

My hope is to always have enough bedrooms for my DD and my future step DC, so I have room for them to visit easily (or friends to stay over) and for any future grandchildren to visit but if that's not possible we'll adapt and have bunk beds or sofa beds, but at least the ability to provide a bed for everyone, there's not so many of us though so different if you have a large family.
sunshinelover69 · 14/12/2021 10:49

Each to their own I guess but we live in a BIG 4 bed house which costs a lot to heat, maintain, lots of cleaning required etc and I don't intend to keep that into retirement in 10 years or so when it's just two of us permanently living there, just so that we have space for visiting kids.

OP posts:
HappyStep1 · 14/12/2021 17:32

@sunshinelover69

Each to their own I guess but we live in a BIG 4 bed house which costs a lot to heat, maintain, lots of cleaning required etc and I don't intend to keep that into retirement in 10 years or so when it's just two of us permanently living there, just so that we have space for visiting kids.
I agree @sunshinelover69 but this is MN step parenting page, you will never be right. My DSC always have a place to crash at ours but have always considered their Mum's house as their home and our place as Dad's house. I don't think DSS will be scarred by this, but agreed, do not take on all the "wife work". Enjoy Christmas Flowers
katie9998 · 15/12/2021 17:03

@sunshinelover69

Each to their own I guess but we live in a BIG 4 bed house which costs a lot to heat, maintain, lots of cleaning required etc and I don't intend to keep that into retirement in 10 years or so when it's just two of us permanently living there, just so that we have space for visiting kids.
Actually Sunshine Instead of moving out of the office which you had the audacity to claim in a home that you bloody pay for, what you should do is move out completely of your SS house (as it can never be called yours, ever) but before he turns up.....

Golden rule number one - please for Gods sake make sure that the red carpet is rolled out of the front door and down the garden path with you and your daughter either side waving flags in anticipation for the 'royal visit'. It has to be just you and your daughter mind you as 'you're not the FIRST family.

Golden rule number 2 - DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH SS! He is far to important to be dealing with the likes of you. You are to look at the ground at all times and mumble how ffing grateful you are at the special opportunity you have been given to run around after his arse for the next 6 ffing days. (Hastag ffingblessed!)

Golden rule number 3 - You must of course pay for everything, cook what ever he wants, when ever he wants, or provide a menu if needs be because you are obviously an Ffing restaurant too.

Golden rule number 4 - You MUST be a doormat during the duration of the visit and you must NEVER complain. If the gaming goes on until 2am embrace it (oh it's so much fun existing on 3 hours sleep) hell even give up sleep altogether just in case SS is peckish during the night. Got to be on call you know.

Golden rule number 5 - DO NOT come on this forum and vent. NO NO NO. You are a highly intelligent, confident, well paid home provider for your daughter and his sons. You of course treat all the children equally, you cook, clean run the house, pay the bills and afford everyone a very comfortable lifestyle and with your years of SMing you have also managed to send a young adult out into the world brimming with confidence and enjoying his life..... BUT you are an SM.

Sigh.... why do women constantly keep other women down. I have listed all the above as tongue in cheek based on other posts I have read. I have a home, I paid for it, it's my home, it really is that simple. I am not unwelcoming to anyone who wants to come into my home, but it does not change the obvious, it is still mine.

I cook for my Partner and SS all the time. If I am cooking and my DP tells me 'oh by the way SS has decided he wants to stay at home gaming then yes I get annoyed. I have usually spent the full day at work, shopped on the way home (more often than not buying 2 different meals as SS is fussy), paid for it all, got it home, prepared it, cooked it and then get the call FIFA is more ffing important. Oh well fuck me, I will just put this time, effort and money in the bin shall I? I have ran a household with stroppy teens, and do you know what ladies, at times their inconsideration pissed me off, and incase you think it doesn't happen in 'first families' there were times when I moaned about it too. It makes no difference whether or not they are your own teens or step teens, they can be bloody annoying and they can be told off.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/12/2021 18:12

LOL @katie9998 you just made me laugh, love it. Have you ever thought of writing a stepmum blog?! But why in god's name are you shopping for and cooking separate meals for fussy kids? SS no1 was fussy until I made him eat whatever he was bloody given or he went hungry, and guess what he now hoovers it all up and sometimes even says 'thankyou for dinner' .... Just saying.

In other news I lost my shit with my husband last night as I was cooking dinner at 7pm and generally running around the kitchen like a blue arsed fly while he was importantly tapping away at his computer doing his very important IT stuff and pretending to work whilst not helping with dinner at all. End result is that he is doing all of the meal planning and cooking for at least the next week. Let's just hope it's not all beige food....

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/12/2021 18:13

Oops, name swap fail again but I am also Chocolate as well as Sunshine 🔆🍫

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/12/2021 18:38

Thanks @katie9998

Another one for my Mumsnet Gems fileGrin

candlelightsatdawn · 15/12/2021 19:28

@katie9998 this literally made me laugh out loud. Some of your golden rules I can actually think back to multiple posts were these sentiments have been uttered.

Usually with someone crying won't anyone anywhere think of the children*

*by children I mean 0 - 30 year old "children" of the first family because no other type child matters as much.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/12/2021 19:29

Also, I just wanted to say that my daughter is 'first family' - MY first family! I am in the unusual situation of not having procreated with my second husband. Thank God. Things are complicated enough as it is.

Coffeepot72 · 15/12/2021 19:52

Reading this has made me wonder if I’d be condemned on here, if ever me and DH decide to downsize, and therefore no longer have a dedicated room for DSS (who is only 27 …)

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/12/2021 19:54

@Coffeepot72

Reading this has made me wonder if I’d be condemned on here, if ever me and DH decide to downsize, and therefore no longer have a dedicated room for DSS (who is only 27 …)
Ooh no he's still a baby really, you couldn't possibly banish him from his home!!
SpaceshiptoMars · 15/12/2021 21:24

@Coffeepot72

Reading this has made me wonder if I’d be condemned on here, if ever me and DH decide to downsize, and therefore no longer have a dedicated room for DSS (who is only 27 …)
Oh no, Coffee, you can't possibly get rid of his room. He must always have the security of knowing he has somewhere to come back to. That is what Family are for. Xmas Wink

I'm under the same pressure. (In their 30s, special needs).

Magda72 · 15/12/2021 22:31

@Coffeepot72 as I said upthread, MN logic seems to be that (step) parents should maintain massive homes until the day they die in order for adult children to ALWAYS have a bedroom to themselves when they visit.
Said mansion should then be left to the 'children' with stepchildren getting larger portions to make up for the injustice of having had to share their father with sm & possibly step or half siblings!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/12/2021 22:37

Oh yes, the old inheritance convo @Magda72 - that's a WHOLE other thread!!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 20/12/2021 08:31

UPDATE: There is still no fucking airbed. Yes, I have reminded him. Several times. They arrive on Weds 😫

candlelightsatdawn · 20/12/2021 09:07

@chocolatesaltyballs22 I half tempted to send you one of mine - I feel your pain.

Take his credit card and go get the air beds and buy yourself something nice too. Call it payment for having to hair around for him !

timeisnotaline · 20/12/2021 09:09

Ah well! Sounds like his dad won’t be very welcoming. I’d quietly say to dh that if there’s nowhere for his son to sleep it’s because he didn’t prioritise his child, and warn him if he says anything that even hints at you should have sorted it and didn’t, he can go and stay somewhere else for Christmas. You won’t be his scapegoat.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 20/12/2021 09:09

@candlelightsatdawn I am working (well clearly I am pretending to right now, whilst dicking around on MN...) whereas he is still snoring in bed!! I am making a stand. Yes, I fully appreciate that it is childish but hey ho.

candlelightsatdawn · 20/12/2021 09:44

@chocolatesaltyballs22 some hills are worth dying on. I salute you because I know there are probably a ton of hills you haven't died on and gritted your teeth and got through.

PP advice is good though. Shame him. Lord knows you would be shoe on other foot.

Also find that a accidental fire alarm going off usually rouses the sleepiest people with a nice roar or a water bottle while "watering" plants accidentally aimed in wrong direction.

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