What to do about adult DSS visiting over Christmas

[sunshinelover69]

Back story: I have one DD18 and DH has two sons 14 and 21. Eldest is in final year of uni and rarely visits (he spend a couple of nights here in the summer but decided to stay in uni town over the summer to work). He is due to visit over Christmas. The issue is we no longer have a spare room as I needed office space (WFH permanently and was previously working in a corner of our bedroom which was causing me issues with sleeping). We agreed that if his eldest wanted to visit we would put an airbed on youngest's floor and he could bunk in with him. All good in theory. But in practice only really works for the odd night - there's a big age difference and the boys will need their own space. I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away). But we've clearly had a bit of miscommunication as DH is under the impression that eldest will come for 6 nights over the Xmas period, ie the same nights that his youngest will be here. I feel like this is untenable with the sleeping arrangements and we're all going to be under each other's feet.

Who is right? Also for context my DD will be spending the whole of Christmas here - she's in her first year of uni and doesn't see her dad for a whole host of reasons which I won't go into but needless to say it's for her own mental wellbeing that she doesn't see him.

[quote sunshinelover69]@LostForIdeas I have asked DH if he has had that conversation with his youngest and he just said 'oh X will just go along with whatever.' So I would guess not.[/quote]
Sorted then. I'd do one last "don't forget to sort out a camp bed for Jareth" and leave it at that.

If it is only for a week why will they need their own space ? if it is ok the younger one to stay even though he has a bedroom 5 miles away why shouldn't the elder one ? I think you are overthinking this.

@sunshinelover69 you really don't sound like you want him to stay.

I don't think it's asking too much for you to accommodate him for 6 days since he has lost his bedroom for your home office.
I really hope he doesn't pick up on your lack of welcome.

Just for the record I had an amazing step mum.
She was welcoming and fun and loving.
In hindsight she probably did pick up on a lot of the logistics but it always felt like it was her pleasure to include us.
I adored visiting-and I slept on a trundle bed in my much, much younger DStepbrothers room. My Dsis and Step Dsis were the same age so they shared. It never seemed like I was a bother or an inconveniencer or that we were anything other than a much welcome member of the family.

DStepmum and my DFather have been divorced for decades now and I am still in touch with her and my step siblings. We shared a childhood and very formative years and I loved being part of that family!!

Ok I get it. Thanks for your replies. Of course we'll accommodate him. I come from a family who all lived in the same city all their lives so the idea of staying with relatives for an extended period is alien to me. Not saying that's right, just adding some perspective.

@sunshinelover69

Ok I get it. Thanks for your replies. Of course we'll accommodate him. I come from a family who all lived in the same city all their lives so the idea of staying with relatives for an extended period is alien to me. Not saying that's right, just adding some perspective.

He's not staying with relatives for an extended period. He's coming back to his Dad's at an age when he has t yet got his own permanent home

So you've taken over an entire bedroom for your 'WFH' without a thought for your stepson? That's his home. You've helped yourself to his bedroom! The least you can do is share it and whilst he's visiting, WFH elsewhere in the house! You can't take over his room!!!!

@sunshinelover69

OK it feels like I'm being a bit unreasonable then and I need to adjust my expectations which is fine.

It's not an option for him to sleep in my office. He doesn't surface until lunchtime and I don't want to have to be turfing him out in order that I can log on on time.

My DH hasn't even thought about buying an airbed etc which is half the problem - in my mind it's something he needs to sort, not me.

But it's not your office though, it's his bedroom

@sunshinelover69

Ok I get it. Thanks for your replies. Of course we'll accommodate him. I come from a family who all lived in the same city all their lives so the idea of staying with relatives for an extended period is alien to me. Not saying that's right, just adding some perspective.

He is not staying with relatives. He is returning to his home from University.

@sunshinelover69

Ok I get it. Thanks for your replies. Of course we'll accommodate him. I come from a family who all lived in the same city all their lives so the idea of staying with relatives for an extended period is alien to me. Not saying that's right, just adding some perspective.

This is his home! Not a 'relatives' Bloody hell. When you married this man, you KNEW the score! You knew he had kids already. You can't just get rid of them by making them feel unwanted & helping yourself to their bedroom whilst they're at university temporarily..... It doesn't matter if the room has been vacant for 2+ years, the kid is at university! He'll be back eventually and WILL require his room back. You simply cannot refuse, you can't. It's his room. You need to temporarily move your stuff out of that room whilst the boy is staying and then you can use it again once he's left.

But he lived there before he went to uni? Or have I missed something? So he's just coming back home?

It's not that hard a concept tbh

I hope you're aware that a lot of kids move back in with their parents for a bit too..

@Almostmenopausal

So you've taken over an entire bedroom for your 'WFH' without a thought for your stepson? That's his home. You've helped yourself to his bedroom! The least you can do is share it and whilst he's visiting, WFH elsewhere in the house! You can't take over his room!!!!

I have taken over an entire room in the house which was only being slept in for perhaps 4 or 5 nights a year and the rest of the time was empty. We have two people WFH full time in this house. We need to be in spaces away for each other as we are both on calls all day. I worked in my bedroom for over a year which gave me sleep issues. Insomnia is not pleasant. My stepson has another room which is 100% his bedroom at his mum's house on the other side of town. I didn't come on here to defend a decision I've already made (in conjunction with my husband) and am comfortable with. But it seems I have to.

@CloudyStorms

But he lived there before he went to uni? Or have I missed something? So he's just coming back home?

It's not that hard a concept tbh

His main residence is his mum's house. He visited his dad here part time.

You need to temporarily move your stuff out of that room whilst the boy is staying and then you can use it again once he's left

Come on, he isn't a boy. And any parent is totally reasonable in utilising an unused space in their house, epically for WFH. I'm sure the OP will work from elsewhere while he is here.

@sunshinelover69

Ok I get it. Thanks for your replies. Of course we'll accommodate him. I come from a family who all lived in the same city all their lives so the idea of staying with relatives for an extended period is alien to me. Not saying that's right, just adding some perspective.

It's not staying with a relative though is it. Its your DHs son, not a distant cousin

The boys share, end off

It’s 6 nights

I absolutely won’t begrudge you a home office op. I wfh and have for many years. A home office isn’t a luxury. It’s something many people have struggled without in the pandemic, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a basic necessity.

That still doesn’t change the fact that I’m irked at you saying that at best this was his “part-time” home. It is his father’s house. It is his home until he is launched into adulthood.

@Blossom64265 perhaps I worded that badly. I was trying to make the point that he's hardly homeless.

I understand why the bedroom is used as an office but seeing as you coped without it for a year, could you not work elsewhere in the home for the few days he’s with you?

I know you say it have you sleep issues, but this isn’t for an extended period of time. Or work where your DH works and get him to use your bedroom?

He’s still at university, his home should be there for him for as long as he wants it. I assume your daughter will still be welcome home, even if she chooses to stay at uni most of the summer in the future? (personally I wouldn’t have turned his bedroom into an office then this wouldn’t be an issue).

If you don’t want to take on the mental load just tell her DH that the logistics are his problem. Don’t try and limit how long his son stays.

Is there still a bed in the office? Why can't you just work somewhere else for 6 days? Maybe not ideal but it's only very short term. You can't be working on all those days anyway.

@alrightfella

Is there still a bed in the office? Why can't you just work somewhere else for 6 days? Maybe not ideal but it's only very short term. You can't be working on all those days anyway.

Nope, no bed. The room isn't big enough.

Ignore the comments that you shouldn't have changed the bedroom into an office. The dss is at uni, and is older now. I certainly wouldn't have a room empty for 360 days of the year.

Perhaps give him option to do air bed in sons room, or if not then he can camp in the living room and he will just have be awake when everyone is up.

It's only for 6 days, we don't have to turn the house upside down for one visit. I'm sure the dss won't be expecting to return to an empty bedroom set up for him.

so the idea if staying with relatives for an extended period

Relatives He’s your DH’s CHILD, not a great aunt twice removed visiting from Australia!

Two lots of 3 days (is it two nights and 3 days, or 3 nights, even) is NOT an extended period. 3 months would be an extended period.

You clearly have issues with this stepson. Unless he’s truly awful to you, that’s pretty sad actually. There’s no age limit on when your child stops needing your love. Ask your DD if you’re not convinced.

"I was under the assumption that eldest would maybe stay the odd night and DH would arrange other activities with him in order that he can still see him over the Christmas period (he has a bedroom at his mum's house about 5 miles away"

OP - you do not want him there and you expect your DP to see his son outside the house except for the odd night from now on - or just expect his Mum to accommodate him.
He might be a young adult but cannot imagine my parents ever saying to me - only come for the odd night and I will see you outside the house.

he should be able to share a room for as long as he likes in his fathers house.