Why hasn't she even saved my phone no.?

[Maximum71]

I had to call the DSS's mum the other day. Her partner answered. He had no idea who was calling ... she hadn't saved my number in her phone. I have sent her messages in the past (once or twice) that we had taken the youngest child's phone off him as punishment- so she would be best to call me or DP if she wanted to speak to him and we would give him our phone to use. She never even responded. I have been their full time SM for almost 2 years now. She was given my number immediately. They had been split up 4 years before I came on the scene. I just think it's weird. I would definitely want to be in contact with the person doing all 'mum' things for my kids. She calls the kids quite frequently but the youngest can hardly be bothered to talk to her recently. Am I being too judgy judgy?

@YourenutsmiLord

I think the issue is the fact the mother has had the DCs taken from her and the OP attempting to inform her of stuff is ignored. The DCs well-being is what matters not whether the adults roles have been forced to change and adapt. On MN it seems point scoring by the parents takes priority.

Ahh I see. I think it does need to be DP doing the contacing though. It's clearly a delicate situation and mum isn't ready for OP to be the main contact point.

@nimbuscloud

You have been in the children’s lives for less than 2 years. Their father is abdicating his responsibility to you Can you not see the issue?

Yeah, thus bloke sounds useless as a dad tbh. If the OP upped and left, he'd have someone else filling in quote quickly.

*HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

If you don't have parental responsibility you shouldn't be taking them to the dentist no matter how well meaning you are.

Why not? My DH took DS (his step son) a few times?

I was wondering about this
My husband can't take him to the dentist (or hospital/doctors)because he can't give consent to any treatment. Do people just ignore this?

There are threads about how we can save children from abusive parents (due to Arthur Labinjo death) - and here we have someone bringing up DCs whose Parent/s are inadequate and they get slated for taking on more responsibility than they should in the eyes of MN step mother haters.. Couldn't make it up, as they say.

No it’s not weird to not have your number saved, I haven’t saved lots of peoples numbers. Neither does my partner.

What is weird is your stepchildren have obviously have a difficult past and have probably seen and experienced things children shouldn’t. For a mother to have her parental rights completely removed, I’m willing to bet these kids have been through it to some degree. And yet your partner, their DAD, is spending 6 days of the week, for 16-18 hours a day according to another post I saw, out the house not parenting his children. He’s a grafter work wise, but sounds like a total dead-beat as a father I’m sorry. Whilst you would naturally fall into the parenting role having the kids with you full-time, you shouldn’t be the ONLY parent, which you essentially are 95% of the time. That’s weird.

@Finknottlesnewt
Just came back to see what else I was doing wrong according to the haters 😂😂😂
Thank you so so much for your kind comments. Can't believe you know so much about me 😂👍🏻 really appreciate the support xx good luck to you too

@CloudyStorms
It honestly would not surprise me if she hadn't saved Dp's phone number either. She got a new phone about 4 years ago.

@theriverrunsthrough
I love the kids like they are my own. I would adopt them if that would improve their lives. I don't want to take them away from their mum more than what the state has done already- I just want them to feel safe and loved. I feel secure and loved in my relationship with my partner. I don't give a flying F.. about their mum apart from how it affects our kids- so I wish her nothing but well and I hope one day the kids can live with her again because it is effing hard work being a mum again to younger children after mine had left the home!!!
How can she reach us if anything happens if she doesn't have my number and DP doesn't answer? We have even spoken in the past about how bad he is at answering his phone and she (now I remember) even asked me for my effing phone number!!!!

Do you have a legal obligation to contact her in an emergency if they are with DP? If so does ringing her count even if she doesn't answer? There's clearly a lot to your situation so I'd just accept her not being contactable as of part of this when the kids are with DP/You. If they are with her for any contact then is it part of the court order that she must be contactable? I think this is where my/DPs concern would be if we were in a similar position. If the kids were with us and an emergency happened then he would try and contact her but if she was unreachable then that's on her.

She resents you, OP. That's it. She doesn't want to communicate with you. Leave her be. Leave any communication to your husband.

[quote Maximum71]@theriverrunsthrough
I love the kids like they are my own. I would adopt them if that would improve their lives. I don't want to take them away from their mum more than what the state has done already- I just want them to feel safe and loved. I feel secure and loved in my relationship with my partner. I don't give a flying F.. about their mum apart from how it affects our kids- so I wish her nothing but well and I hope one day the kids can live with her again because it is effing hard work being a mum again to younger children after mine had left the home!!!
How can she reach us if anything happens if she doesn't have my number and DP doesn't answer? We have even spoken in the past about how bad he is at answering his phone and she (now I remember) even asked me for my effing phone number!!!![/quote]
If she needs your number she'll find it from a message thread or call log in her phone. That's what I do with various people

@Finknottlesnewt

OP does the lion share of childcare and 'Mum work' for FIVE boys . For whom she cares 6 out of 7 days a week. Her husband the children's father is working 16-18 hour days building this family a house.

Op has adult children. She has done her parenting and stepped up to provide this little lot with a stable life. She works from home full time but flexibly. She is not the father's girlfriend of five minutes. She has been married to their father for a number of years.
If she were being paid by the local authority she would be getting plaudits. - but she's a stepmother - so she gets lambasted. Shameful. People need to stop projecting and asked themselves if they would be prepared to step up and mother 5 of someone one else's kids - after having already raised your own. ?

She doesn't need judgement she needs a fucking MBE !

It's a bit much to be labelling posters as shameful/projecting/anti-stepmother when none of this information is in the OP. We're not mind readers.

Whilst this extra information does explain why OP has a more involved role than the vast majority of step-parents, it still doesn't mean there aren't any boundaries. If the children's father feels unhappy with what their mother is feeding them then he needs to speak to her about that. It's not hard to understand why their mother would be unhappy about being told what to do by someone who isn't her children's other parent, if indeed this is the reason that she doesn't have OP's contact details saved.

[quote Maximum71]@theriverrunsthrough
I love the kids like they are my own. I would adopt them if that would improve their lives. I don't want to take them away from their mum more than what the state has done already- I just want them to feel safe and loved. I feel secure and loved in my relationship with my partner. I don't give a flying F.. about their mum apart from how it affects our kids- so I wish her nothing but well and I hope one day the kids can live with her again because it is effing hard work being a mum again to younger children after mine had left the home!!!
How can she reach us if anything happens if she doesn't have my number and DP doesn't answer? We have even spoken in the past about how bad he is at answering his phone and she (now I remember) even asked me for my effing phone number!!!![/quote]
If your DP ( your not actually their step mum, your their dads girlfriend) doesn't answer its on him.

So basically he has just given all the children contact responsibilities to you.

He is the problem not her.

"Why not? My DH took DS (his step son) a few times?

I was wondering about this
My husband can't take him to the dentist (or hospital/doctors)because he can't give consent to any treatment. Do people just ignore this?"

@gamerchick

That was in reply to my comment. We never had any issue with DH taking DS, whether that was because he didn't consent to treatment (the dental apps were just check up's) I don't know.

The only time I brought it up as a potential issue was an occasion when DS ended up in A&E. I was unwell, took DS but needed to leave midway to attend a GP app for myself, so DH came to A&E to take over. On that occasion I spoke to the nurse in charge explaining I gave DH permission to be there and deal with it, which she said was fine.

She hasn't saved your number because she can't be arsed, just like she couldn't be bothered not giving them junk food & coke. She doesn't respect you and not saving your number is her being dismissive of you.

A mother who puts her children first would definitely make sure she has contact with their caregiver at all times, it sounds like she's not that type if mother unfortunately.

This must be frustrating for you, all you can do is keep doing your best, keep loving and caring for those kids, they are lucky to have you.

@Outlyingtrout
Mums older child had told her about the youngest child's cavities - she walks to the car that same evening and said to me that she knew about the dentist and if I remember correctly she agreed that coke etc wouldn't be a good idea. And she said she wanted them to eat healthily. He then walked out to the car later that day carrying the 3 remaining cans from an 8 pack of coke..
also
I want her to be able to reach US- in an emergency IF something happens to our boys while with her!!! I don't want to chit chat with her or tell her what to do! If she has to search back in her blooming messages whilst waiting for an ambulance to pick up one of the boys then that may take a while! (huge exaggeration here hopefully!!)

Just add my name in your phone! That's all I want!

@mugglenutmeg
I think you've nailed it. Thank you x

*It's a bit much to be labelling posters as shameful/projecting/anti-stepmother when none of this information is in the OP. We're not mind readers.
*
Exactly! I'm one of those guilty of a snippy reply but way too much drop feeding on this thread

Just add my name in your phone! That's all I want! she doesn't want to and that's up to her. I get why you want to be contactable in an emergency but again that's up to her. You'll just have to make peace with it.

@itlod
I was just wanting to know why mum hadn't saved the number of the person looking after her children. I've had a couple of helpful responses. I've also felt like I've had to defend myself (to some quite hurtful - and unnecessary- comments) so apologies for info that came too late x

I want her to be able to reach US- in an emergency IF something happens to our boys while with her!!!

No matter what you do for them, (which is unarguably honourable) they've been part of your life less than 2 years so they're not your boys

Their dad should be available in an emergency, he needs to make sure when his kids aren't with him he his able to answer his phone if their mum calls. Given it is for so little time and so infrequent it shouldn't be difficult. If he was a single dad how would he manage?

If there was an emergency with my DD, id call her dad. I wouldnt be calling her dads partner (I don't even have her number). God forbid if something happened to my DD, I'd want her dad to call me, not my DP

@Chewbecca
My role is a parent - mum has not been able or allowed to parent for the past 4 years.
The kids love their mum and they also love me. I care for them (as does my Dp) like I would for my own kids.
If I were a live in full time Aunty I think I would be parenting by now too.
They ask me to get involved with school things / doctor / dentist things. They like being cared for by a 'mum' - they would prefer their own mum Im sure but they like it they have a next best choice.
Another mum told me the 14 yr old actually referred to me as his mum while he was at their house - she dropped him off and as I introduced myself as his stepmum she was quite surprised due to what he mentioned earlier.

I would imagine she doesn’t have your number saved because she doesn’t want to see it when scrolling through her contacts list or else because she only saves the numbers of her friends/family or important people/places. It’s clear she can get hold of you if she wants to as you have messaged, so that will be something she can search for and find.

As you’ve said, she doesn’t typically call you so it’s not necessary to keep your number saved. I’ve rung the local leisure centre about my child’s swimming lessons twice and both times searched for the number and called. I don’t save it because it’s not an important number to be to clog up my contacts list with and I can always find it if I need to call at some point in the future.

@itlod
There is no way I would not refer to the kids as 'our kids'. They have suffered enough rejection. I refuse to add to that. They may not be my biological children but so what? I don't care. I want to be able to be there if they have an accident and need me! I am the one they climb into bed with when they are sick (mainly because I am at home- not because I am a saint 😂) I refuse to reject them.

@Maximum71

*@Outlyingtrout* Mums older child had told her about the youngest child's cavities - she walks to the car that same evening and said to me that she knew about the dentist and if I remember correctly she agreed that coke etc wouldn't be a good idea. And she said she wanted them to eat healthily. He then walked out to the car later that day carrying the 3 remaining cans from an 8 pack of coke.. also I want her to be able to reach US- in an emergency IF something happens to our boys while with her!!! I don't want to chit chat with her or tell her what to do! If she has to search back in her blooming messages whilst waiting for an ambulance to pick up one of the boys then that may take a while! (huge exaggeration here hopefully!!)

Just add my name in your phone! That's all I want!

Fair enough. But things like messaging her to tell her that you'd taken one of the children's phones and she should contact you or their dad if she needed them. That should have come from the children's dad. I'm just pointing out that it's obvious that these kinds of things will get her back up and that probably explains why she is trying to distance herself from you by not saving your number.

Fair enough. But things like messaging her to tell her that you'd taken one of the children's phones and she should contact you or their dad if she needed them. yes or ask the child to text from their phone.