Why hasn't she even saved my phone no.?

[Maximum71]

I had to call the DSS's mum the other day. Her partner answered. He had no idea who was calling ... she hadn't saved my number in her phone. I have sent her messages in the past (once or twice) that we had taken the youngest child's phone off him as punishment- so she would be best to call me or DP if she wanted to speak to him and we would give him our phone to use. She never even responded. I have been their full time SM for almost 2 years now. She was given my number immediately. They had been split up 4 years before I came on the scene. I just think it's weird. I would definitely want to be in contact with the person doing all 'mum' things for my kids. She calls the kids quite frequently but the youngest can hardly be bothered to talk to her recently. Am I being too judgy judgy?

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime
So you suggest I leave him because we've agreed to split the care of HIS kids - with me doing (temporarily ) the majority of care for HIS kids - who I also love, because he is building us a new house?
Good plan Stan.. 😂

@Outlyingtrout
Me asserting myself as a mother figure was necessary as mum was removed from parental responsibility due to her own actions unfortunately

So your husband has 100% custody, he does no parenting so you are a full time parent to the children.

I can only assume there was some abuse or neglect for this situation to arise. It’s unusual that a step parent would become the full time, parent.

I don’t think you should get too worked up about her not saving your number, there are much bigger issues at play here.

Are social services involved, is their mums visitation supervised?

I think after all the children have been through your husband needs to step up and parent. The kids already don’t see much of her mother, then their dad bails leaving the full time parenting to a third party, that’s tough.

I'll leave the thread now. She probably just isn't into saving numbers like some of you mentioned - i found it strange - you guys have shown me it's quite 'normal ' 😜😂Thanks for the reactions

You have been in the children’s lives for less than 2 years. Their father is abdicating his responsibility to you
Can you not see the issue?

I think the issue is the fact the mother has had the DCs taken from her and the OP attempting to inform her of stuff is ignored.
The DCs well-being is what matters not whether the adults roles have been forced to change and adapt. On MN it seems point scoring by the parents takes priority.

Honestly because she likely figures parental issues are to be discussed with the other parent? Not you? No need for her to discuss parenting with you.

@Hoardasurass

Because there dad should be contacting her not you especially when there child is being punished. Also why isn't the dad doing all the "mum stuff "?

Exactly!! I have absolutely no desire to speak to my exHs new partner not do I want her to do "mum things" for my DD.

Any communication regarding my DD should be between me & her dad. The example of when the phone was taken away as punishment - that should have been communicated by your DP. I'd be absolutely livid if his partner of 2 years (assuming you've been part of the child's life for even less) felt it was her place to contact me about that

@Maximum71

I'll leave the thread now. She probably just isn't into saving numbers like some of you mentioned - i found it strange - you guys have shown me it's quite 'normal ' 😜😂Thanks for the reactions

I think she'll be "into saving numbers" for the people for whom she wants to have their number. She perhaps isn't into saving numbers for her ExHs new partner who seems to have issues with boundaries. Take the hint

@TheCanyon my DP has no interest in anyone outside his own family, why would he? My child has plenty for other adults in his life, I’m pretty sure he’d have no idea of his grandparent’s names or uncle and auntie’s names. It’s our normal, I’m offering a different perspective.

[quote Maximum71]@Numbertime
Her partner is actually is very nice and always came out for a chat when I dropped the kids off. He knows my name. It was the fact that Mum hadn't registered me in her phone that he didn't know who he was answering. [/quote]
Sounds like boundaries are non existent in this whole setup, and where are the parents?

Maximum71 My god the step mother haters are out tonight aren't they OP ?

I for one would like to say thank you. For these children to have been removed from their birth mothers residency - means that there were some serious concerns for their welfare. So good on you for stepping up ! .. as for you doing the majority of the childcare and mum things . Cannot get my head round why this is so shocking . I would say in 90% of families the mother cares for the children . 'Most of the time' .. is it fair ? Is it right ? Probably not - but as you have explained - it works for you at the moment..
more importantly it gives the kids stability .

As for the mother not having your number . Yes fucking weird. You raise her kids. She should have the children's father AND your number in order to have effective contact in an emergency.

No . I have absolutely no idea why people would not save peoples numbers. I guess it's a teenage/millennial habit . I however am a mother of 3 and a step mother of 5 and take that responsibility seriously. I want to be able to contact our children's parents should the need arise. I have my SC mothers number and her husband. She and her husband have mine and my DH. We don't chitchat. They are used if required.

You are not being remotely unreasonable OP. Beware of the Step parenting board. A huge number of mothers whose partners have remarried like to loiter here and tell step mothers how they have no 'position' and an irrelevance. Despite some of us - like you , having bought up their children because we had residency.
Ignore the haters OP. Your sdc know what you do.

I'm a step parent and a parent. I have my dsd's mum's number and she has mine and we do/did (she's now an adult) communicate. I have always been a significant adult in her life and her mum has been more than happy for me to parent her when she is here as I see fit (alongside her dad). We have worked at having a mutually respectful relationship for the benefit of dsd. I appreciate that she has always encouraged dsd to be respectful of me and she appreciates that I have always put dsd's needs on an equal footing to my own three dc.
However, I would never, ever, ask her not to feed dsd something or comment on her parenting in any way. We have different parenting methods and that's ok. Dsd understood that different things happened in each house. The point is that we never undermined each other.
Did we make mistakes? Absolutely! Did I always agree with her parenting methods? Nope. Did she feel the same? Of course! But we worked together for one purpose. The good of dsd.
I have always said I'm not her mum, she has a wonderful mum who loves her very much. I am the mum of her brothers and her dad's wife and I love her and I didn't need a title.
Dsd fb posts on Mother's Day and my birthday and after a while, she started to refer to me as her step mum and then, this last couple of years, her mum. She calls me by my first name in person, as is right.
I don't consider myself her mum but I do/did fulfil that role when she was here.
Recently, we had a baby shower for dsd (first baby) at our house and her mum came (and helped lots!) She was telling a tale about talking to someone about me and referred to me as "dsd's other mum" I was a little taken aback but the fact that she is willing to embrace the relationship between me and dsd makes me have so much respect for her.
Dsd has been in my life for 23 years and I can honestly say that dh, her mum and me have tried so hard to put our own feelings aside, be non-judgemental and work together for dsd. We're lucky that we all felt the same way about that. It's now reaping its rewards as our first grandchild (and she IS my grandchild) is imminent.
Don't sweat the small stuff, remember you're all different but you all have one thing in common, you all love the child and want the best for them. Leave the awkward stuff to the parents and just enjoy the bonus of another child to love ❤️

@ Finknottlesnewt
Yes - serious concerns for the welfare of children. Whose father has placed that responsibility on someone who he has known for 24 months or less

@nimbuscloud

@ Finknottlesnewt Yes - serious concerns for the welfare of children. Whose father has placed that responsibility on someone who he has known for 24 months or less

Not anyone's business but the married couple raising these children. They make their childcare arrangements between themselves.

The removal of parental responsibility is a very very specific and highly unusual process to happen to a birth mother. It is done through the courts who would not ha e agreed this residency without knowing who was providing the care. So yes. Well done OP for stepping up. !

All we know really know isthat the mother is not suitable.

I find it so bizarre (and petty) all those saying they don't want the number of their child's step-parent/ step-child's parent. Fair enough if they've been abusive or something, but for that to be the default position... What if there was some kind of emergency involving your partner - the child's parent, wouldn't you want to be able to contact them? Or an emergency with the child?
Yes, the actual parent should be doing most of the care/communication, but the step-parent is still a part of the child's extended family and circle of people who will be caring for them at times.

I see it as the same as having the phone numbers of my extended family e.g. siblings partners/ my partner's siblings and their partners - most of the time I have no need to and don't contact them. But if there was a family emergency and I couldn't contact my siblings/ partners sibling, then I'd try their partners.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

If you don't have parental responsibility you shouldn't be taking them to the dentist no matter how well meaning you are.

Why not? My DH took DS (his step son) a few times?

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

If you don't have parental responsibility you shouldn't be taking them to the dentist no matter how well meaning you are.

I don't understand this mentality. Why not? I'd dh or mum couldn't have taken her, I would. If one of my dc needed to go and me or dh couldn't take them, I might ask my sister and vice versa. I would pass on information the dentist gave but in a matter of fact way. How dsd's parents or my sister with her dc chose to react to that information would be their business. Why can't we help each other out and work together 🤷🏼‍♀️

[quote Maximum71]@Outlyingtrout
Me asserting myself as a mother figure was necessary as mum was removed from parental responsibility due to her own actions unfortunately [/quote]
I'm so sorry. I missed this post. I thought I'd read them all. There are clearly different issues and concerns than (luckily for us) we had to deal with.

OP does the lion share of childcare and 'Mum work' for FIVE boys . For whom she cares 6 out of 7 days a week. Her husband the children's father is working 16-18 hour days building this family a house.

Op has adult children. She has done her parenting and stepped up to provide this little lot with a stable life. She works from home full time but flexibly. She is not the father's girlfriend of five minutes. She has been married to their father for a number of years.
If she were being paid by the local authority she would be getting plaudits. - but she's a stepmother - so she gets lambasted. Shameful. People need to stop projecting and asked themselves if they would be prepared to step up and mother 5 of someone one else's kids - after having already raised your own. ?

She doesn't need judgement she needs a fucking MBE !

@Finknottlesnewt

OP does the lion share of childcare and 'Mum work' for FIVE boys . For whom she cares 6 out of 7 days a week. Her husband the children's father is working 16-18 hour days building this family a house.

Op has adult children. She has done her parenting and stepped up to provide this little lot with a stable life. She works from home full time but flexibly. She is not the father's girlfriend of five minutes. She has been married to their father for a number of years.
If she were being paid by the local authority she would be getting plaudits. - but she's a stepmother - so she gets lambasted. Shameful. People need to stop projecting and asked themselves if they would be prepared to step up and mother 5 of someone one else's kids - after having already raised your own. ?

She doesn't need judgement she needs a fucking MBE !

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I thought I'd read the thread properly but I clearly hadn't. I apologise. If dsd's mum wasn't around as she should be, I would ABSOLUTELY have been her mum! Every child deserves that. Well done op for stepping up.

Why would she need your number if she has the dad’s number?

@Finknottlesnewt

OP does the lion share of childcare and 'Mum work' for FIVE boys . For whom she cares 6 out of 7 days a week. Her husband the children's father is working 16-18 hour days building this family a house.

Op has adult children. She has done her parenting and stepped up to provide this little lot with a stable life. She works from home full time but flexibly. She is not the father's girlfriend of five minutes. She has been married to their father for a number of years.
If she were being paid by the local authority she would be getting plaudits. - but she's a stepmother - so she gets lambasted. Shameful. People need to stop projecting and asked themselves if they would be prepared to step up and mother 5 of someone one else's kids - after having already raised your own. ?

She doesn't need judgement she needs a fucking MBE !

The set up between OP has is between OP and her DH. He has parental responsibility not OP. Maybe OP need to go full on adoption if she feels like she is now the mother?

Yes she has stepped up - but that is between the OP and her DH. The real mother owes her nothing.

( which I know maybe hard to neck but she doesn't) If OP and Dh were to split and he moves on to another women - they would just as easily be a 'new step mum'.

I would like to bet OP, that if you felt 100% supported and appreciated by your dh and happy in your life you wouldn't give a shiny shit about his ex.

[quote Maximum71]@Outlyingtrout
Me asserting myself as a mother figure was necessary as mum was removed from parental responsibility due to her own actions unfortunately [/quote]
It sounds like she may be uncomfortable with you taking the "mothering" role. Really your DP should be the one contacting her. And i still don't understand why her not having your number stored affects you. I could understand if she wanted your number but not why you would be so upset that she didn't.