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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Why hasn't she even saved my phone no.?

126 replies

Maximum71 · 04/12/2021 20:39

I had to call the DSS's mum the other day. Her partner answered. He had no idea who was calling ... she hadn't saved my number in her phone. I have sent her messages in the past (once or twice) that we had taken the youngest child's phone off him as punishment- so she would be best to call me or DP if she wanted to speak to him and we would give him our phone to use. She never even responded. I have been their full time SM for almost 2 years now. She was given my number immediately. They had been split up 4 years before I came on the scene. I just think it's weird. I would definitely want to be in contact with the person doing all 'mum' things for my kids. She calls the kids quite frequently but the youngest can hardly be bothered to talk to her recently. Am I being too judgy judgy?

OP posts:

Thinkbiglittleone · 04/12/2021 21:50

She probably thinks she will deal with the kids other parent, their dad.

She has no real reason to save your number, I wouldn't even think about it

TheCanyon · 04/12/2021 21:52

@Numbertime

Also she might have saved your number but why would her partner necessarily know who you are? My partner wouldn’t know my ex’s girlfriend’s name.

Your partner doesn't know the name of the other adult in your child's life? You think that's normal?

Original poster

Maximum71 · 04/12/2021 21:52

@Wishitsnows
He doesn't expect much tbh. It works for us at the moment that I cook for everyone. He's building us a new house as well as working. He hardly ever answers his phone. That's why she was given my number to use if needed. I always answer (it's my work phone so I'm available almost always) I'm more than happy to speak to her if needed / in an emergency.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 04/12/2021 21:53

@TheCanyon
Thank you! I was actually starting to doubt myself!

OP posts:

Original poster

Maximum71 · 04/12/2021 21:56

@Numbertime
Her partner is actually is very nice and always came out for a chat when I dropped the kids off. He knows my name. It was the fact that Mum hadn't registered me in her phone that he didn't know who he was answering.

OP posts:

FabriqueBelgique · 04/12/2021 21:57

My kids have a step-mum and I have a step-child. There’s none of this going on and we’re years ahead of you. I imagine she’s rolling her eyes at how involved you’re trying to be if not seething.

Leave the parenting to the parents. You should be more like an aunt who would do anything for them should they need it, not literally a second mother. There’s no need to force your existence on the woman. Let your DP text her these things.

excelledyourself · 04/12/2021 22:00

She calls the kids quite frequently but the youngest can hardly be bothered to talk to her recently.

What is about this that you feel is relevant to your her not having your number saved?

CloudyStorms · 04/12/2021 22:02

I'm more than happy to speak to her if needed / in an emergency. maybe it's not needed? If she doesn't want your number in her phone why does it matter to you at the end of the day? It doesn't have any affect on your relationship with your step children? Sorry if I'm missing something?

Original poster

Maximum71 · 04/12/2021 22:03

@CloudyStorms
DP is bad at answering his phone- mainly because he is always working. In an emergency I can get hold of him easily due to sharing location etc. And seen as I almost always answer my phone We thought it would make her life easier. Also the youngest ignores her calls because he would rather play computer games -I'd be happy to hand my phone to him so she can speak to him as I think it's important they have regular contact. I / we didn't choose for the kids to live with us- We would both be happy for them to live with her/ us 50/50 unfortunately that's not an option though.

OP posts:

CloudyStorms · 04/12/2021 22:04

Ahh do they live with you and DP most the time?

Original poster

Maximum71 · 04/12/2021 22:05

@CloudyStorms yes 100%

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 04/12/2021 22:05

I'm terrible for saving numbers. I've friends I've had for years where I need to scroll through to find our message or what's app convos to contact them. Not sure why I don't do it one of those simple things that just get bypassed I guess

liveforsummer · 04/12/2021 22:07

*@Maximum71 this is the second post you have done about your step children mother. In the other one you was moaning because she allowed her 12 year old to drink Coke and let them have Macdonalds for tea.
*
Didn't see that post but are those things not ok? At 12, or is that a typos for 2?

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 04/12/2021 22:11

I have nothing against DDs dad's partner, she sounds nice and they are expecting a baby soon which Dd is excited about. However, I expect her to take an Aunt role not a mum role, ie if Dd was with her dad and her actual aunt her dad would be doing the parenting, another trusted adult in their life. I don't expect to have to contact her, I don't expect her to do 'mum' things whatever they are. I expect Dd to spend time with her dad and to be looked after by him most of the time. I bought Dds phone and I expect her to have access to it as its nothing to do with her DDad, although he is free to contact her on it when she is with me too.

You sound deeply unpleasant and should remember that whilst you may be a trusted adult in their life you are not their parent.

Original poster

Maximum71 · 04/12/2021 22:12

@liveforsummer
I take the kids to the dentist - youngest went through a dirty phase about 6 months ago. Would try to get out of showering and cleaning his teeth. We asked her to stop giving the kids 20 pounds each a week to spend on sweets - and also not to give him coke etc when he stayed the night) as the dentist had found 2 cavities) She came out to the car and told me she would make sure he brushed his teeth and she was not going to give him fizzy drinks etc. She bought the kids Macdonalds and an 8 pack of (cans) coke each for that one evening..

OP posts:

MimosaFields · 04/12/2021 22:15

The children live 100% of the time with you, so I think it's normal you are doing some parenting. It would be weird if you couldn't parent a child living in your house and you always had to refer to the actual parent.

As for the number on the phone... It wouldn't bother me

Original poster

Maximum71 · 04/12/2021 22:15

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime
I sound deeply unpleasant? And I was worried I was being judgemental...

If you were not allowed to care of your own child would you not be happy that some one else was willing and able to take care of them?

OP posts:

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 04/12/2021 22:15

If you don't have parental responsibility you shouldn't be taking them to the dentist no matter how well meaning you are.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 04/12/2021 22:16

But your husband should be doing it, not you. And if your husband doesn't prioritise taking care of his children and leaves it to you why would you want to be with him?

liveforsummer · 04/12/2021 22:18

Tbf I mostly communicate with exp's partner. She's nice, reasonable, makes sense via text and actually remembers what's been arranged unlike DC's dad. She is also the one who does pick ups and drop offs due to him not having a driving licence. I still don't have her number saved though. I know who she is because of the content of the message, the thumbnail pic and because I vaguely recognise the number. Don't actually speak on the phone though so if called it would take me a few seconds to establish who it was - no big deal there

TheCanyon · 04/12/2021 22:20

[quote Maximum71]@TheCanyon
Thank you! I was actually starting to doubt myself! [/quote]
My dd Is almost 13, was a fwb gone wrong/right?! He's had several gfs over that time, I've never had any of their numbers as we moved a couple hours away and he works on the rigs so doesn't have a lot of contact anyway and I've only ever met 1 of them, but I always knew their names and bits and pieces about them, infact he'd pretty much send me a bio on them

Me and dh will always ask after the gf, she's part of our daughters life, why wouldn't we?

liveforsummer · 04/12/2021 22:23

[quote Maximum71]@liveforsummer
I take the kids to the dentist - youngest went through a dirty phase about 6 months ago. Would try to get out of showering and cleaning his teeth. We asked her to stop giving the kids 20 pounds each a week to spend on sweets - and also not to give him coke etc when he stayed the night) as the dentist had found 2 cavities) She came out to the car and told me she would make sure he brushed his teeth and she was not going to give him fizzy drinks etc. She bought the kids Macdonalds and an 8 pack of (cans) coke each for that one evening.. [/quote]
While I understand it's frustrating- dc are given unlimited sweets and juice and their dads too, you have to make peace with the fact that you cannot control what the other parent gives them. You can only manage what they have when with you.

ladygracie · 04/12/2021 22:23

My xh recently rang me as something had gone wrong with his phone so he lost all his contacts. He decided to just remember which number was whose so called me while trying to call his partner. He decided to add names after that. 🙄🙄🙄
But it is odd that she didn’t save your number.

Icantremembermyusername · 04/12/2021 22:26

I blocked my exDP's new partner because she was horrible and sent me nasty messages. When his mum died and he was upset she had to use his phone to contact me. And asked me to unblock her. I said no. I'm not putting myself in the position when she can just send me random angry texts when she is passed off. Ex DP isn't much of a filter between her and her issues, but does act as a buffer.

Outlyingtrout · 04/12/2021 22:26

The children are your husband's and his ex-wife's. Regardless of the situation in terms of her contact, you are not their parent and I imagine she probably finds it very difficult that you assert yourself as a mother figure when actually it's the children's dad who should be relaying any messages to her - especially when it comes to asking her not to do things/not to feed them certain things etc. It's completely inappropriate that these requests, however reasonable, are coming from you. I would think that this is probably why she doesn't have your number saved. Your husband is an adult who is co-parenting. Him being a bit rubbish at answering the phone is not a good enough reason for you to take over the role that he should be playing.

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