Why hasn't she even saved my phone no.?

[Maximum71]

I had to call the DSS's mum the other day. Her partner answered. He had no idea who was calling ... she hadn't saved my number in her phone. I have sent her messages in the past (once or twice) that we had taken the youngest child's phone off him as punishment- so she would be best to call me or DP if she wanted to speak to him and we would give him our phone to use. She never even responded. I have been their full time SM for almost 2 years now. She was given my number immediately. They had been split up 4 years before I came on the scene. I just think it's weird. I would definitely want to be in contact with the person doing all 'mum' things for my kids. She calls the kids quite frequently but the youngest can hardly be bothered to talk to her recently. Am I being too judgy judgy?

@Finknottlesnewt

OP does the lion share of childcare and 'Mum work' for FIVE boys . For whom she cares 6 out of 7 days a week. Her husband the children's father is working 16-18 hour days building this family a house.

Op has adult children. She has done her parenting and stepped up to provide this little lot with a stable life. She works from home full time but flexibly. She is not the father's girlfriend of five minutes. She has been married to their father for a number of years.
If she were being paid by the local authority she would be getting plaudits. - but she's a stepmother - so she gets lambasted. Shameful. People need to stop projecting and asked themselves if they would be prepared to step up and mother 5 of someone one else's kids - after having already raised your own. ?

She doesn't need judgement she needs a fucking MBE !

Where are you getting your info?

OP has been SM to the kids for under two years, and the kids haven't lived with mum for 4.

Nowhere does she say her and the dad are married.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

I have nothing against DDs dad's partner, she sounds nice and they are expecting a baby soon which Dd is excited about. However, I expect her to take an Aunt role not a mum role, ie if Dd was with her dad and her actual aunt her dad would be doing the parenting, another trusted adult in their life. I don't expect to have to contact her, I don't expect her to do 'mum' things whatever they are. I expect Dd to spend time with her dad and to be looked after by him most of the time. I bought Dds phone and I expect her to have access to it as its nothing to do with her DDad, although he is free to contact her on it when she is with me too.

You sound deeply unpleasant and should remember that whilst you may be a trusted adult in their life you are not their parent.

I think the OP sounds lovely actually. With all of the horrifying crap in the press atm isn't it lovely to hear that a child is being loved and cared for when their mother isn't able to.

OP please ignore this horrible comment. You sound great xx

I don't get this really because I have absolutely no desire to get involved my my DSCs Mum, I've no need for her number and have never text her or phoned her in my whole relationship and marriage with DH. Literally no desire whatsoever.

Maybe she just doesn't want your number?

@KwestTurkey

I don't get this really because I have absolutely no desire to get involved my my DSCs Mum, I've no need for her number and have never text her or phoned her in my whole relationship and marriage with DH. Literally no desire whatsoever.

Maybe she just doesn't want your number?

Are you looking after her kids full time, though?

OP has been SM to the kids for under two years, and the kids haven't lived with mum for 4.

With all the drip drip drip of information I had missed this. If this is correct then it's insane to think that their mum should just be OK with someone who's been in her children lives for such a short amount of time telling her what's what and referring to her children as "our boys". It's also insane that a father would allow someone who's been in his children's lives for 2 years to have such a level of influence and involvement.

When his kids are not with him, their father needs to ensure that he always answers the phone in case of emergencies. I don't know any parent who doesn't do that.

It's laudable that you care for these children, it truly is however, I do feel its really their Father who should be caring for them. I can understand their Mum would expect that too and this possibly explains why she doesn't feel the need to save your number. I do not have my DD's stepmother's number (despite the fact she is often left in her sole care) and the reason for that is that it is her Father who is responsible. If he out-sources his responsibility that's on him. If anything happens I expect to hear from him. My phone is always on and I'm always reachable despite working similar hours to your DP.

Also, you mention parental responsibility has been removed from Mum but it also seems like they still have regular contact with her. It's vanishingly rare for parental responsibility to be removed, so feels incongruous that she still has contact.

Are you looking after her kids full time, though?

I really wouldn't care if I were or not. Unless the Dad is incapable of using his phone I don't see any burning need for her to have her number. If she doesn't want it, it's fine, she can contact the Dad.

[quote Maximum71]@liveforsummer
I take the kids to the dentist - youngest went through a dirty phase about 6 months ago. Would try to get out of showering and cleaning his teeth. We asked her to stop giving the kids 20 pounds each a week to spend on sweets - and also not to give him coke etc when he stayed the night) as the dentist had found 2 cavities) She came out to the car and told me she would make sure he brushed his teeth and she was not going to give him fizzy drinks etc. She bought the kids Macdonalds and an 8 pack of (cans) coke each for that one evening.. [/quote]
You are unbearable. you have no right tell her to stop buying her own kids anything. Give your head a wobble

[quote Maximum71]@Outlyingtrout
Me asserting myself as a mother figure was necessary as mum was removed from parental responsibility due to her own actions unfortunately [/quote]
It's literally impossible for PR to be removed and that you share 50/50 custody. That's not right at all. If they deemed her such a risk to remove her PR, she certainly would not be getting half the custody of her kids!

Sorry if there seems to be lots of reply's by me, I'm replying to posts as reading through the thread and have not figured out how to copy posts in yet.

I agree with others OP.
I have 2 children with my ex and whilst he doesn't have a partner atm when he does I would prefer my communication is primarily with him and not his new GF. Would I save her number? Most likely but I have be known in the past to not always save numbers so it's not a massive shock or unreasonable imo.
I might be wrong but sounds like you're a bit bitter with your "mum" things comment. This isn't the child's mums fault, you need to speak to your partner and if you have any resentment or aren't happy with the balence discuss it with him instead or projecting it elsewhere.

Being a step parent must be hard. Because whilst you might be involved in, and also want to do a lot of the care giving you aren't the child's parent which is why the communication must really stay between your partner and the mum. I expect she hasn't saved your number because she doesn't want to and I would probably take it as a sign to encourage your partner to do more in his role and open up his communication to his ex. That's his responsibility, not yours.

I don't have the number of my ex's new woman in my phone. It wouldn't occur to me. I don't even know her surname. If there is an issue with dc, I ring his dad or he rings me.

I have my friends, my sister & the plumber/car service/dentist in my phone.

@KalvinPhillipsManBun
We don't share 50/50 custody - we have full custody. Mums actions in the past resulted in the kids being taken off her. Resulting in dad getting full custody. Then I came on the scene. And the house is way too small. Hence dad building us a new house. Whilst working - resulting in me doing more than my fair share for the greater good of the kids - and all the bitter mums on here who are giving me a bashing - calling me unpleasant/ unbearable/ that I need to get a grip etc like it or not- I have had to take on the mum role for the sake of the kids and I have been totally slaughtered for it on this post. It's laughable. The kids know why they are only allowed small visiting slots. I do my best for them. I wish they could see their mum more. I wish they could stay with her. They can't - the courts will not allow it. Yet I am the bitch here? I just wondered if more people didn't save phone numbers. Especially of the people who are looking after THEIR children 97.5% percent of the time. Everyone in the family knows that dad is TERRIBLE on his phone . Is it too much to ask she saves my number in case something happens to the boys during the 2.5 % while they are with her?? Cos dad is physically hammering away and will not hear his phone. Some of the people commenting on here should be utterly ashamed of themselves. Trolls

If something happens while they are in her care, I'm sure she knows that her ex is hopeless at answering the phone because he's up a ladder or whatever, and will send him a text instead.

She was married to him.

@Maximum71 you can't expect people to give the response you want with a a snippet of the story OP so try not take the replies to heart. Lots of different set ups with step and co parents which can cause a different response.
Like I said before, ideally she should have your number saved but the fact she doesn't isn't something you should be getting upset/annoyed over.
Your partner may have a reputation for being rubbish with his phone but when it comes to his children he needs to work on that because just accepting he's rubbish isn't really good enough and he needs to sort that out because his ex isn't obliged to contact you.

OP, I think you sound you're amazing for what you're doing. I don't want to derail your thread, but I wondered whether it worries you that if ever you and your DP break up, you lose access to the kids too? Just something that I am worrying about and wondered how you deal with it.

[quote Maximum71]@KalvinPhillipsManBun
We don't share 50/50 custody - we have full custody. Mums actions in the past resulted in the kids being taken off her. Resulting in dad getting full custody. Then I came on the scene. And the house is way too small. Hence dad building us a new house. Whilst working - resulting in me doing more than my fair share for the greater good of the kids - and all the bitter mums on here who are giving me a bashing - calling me unpleasant/ unbearable/ that I need to get a grip etc like it or not- I have had to take on the mum role for the sake of the kids and I have been totally slaughtered for it on this post. It's laughable. The kids know why they are only allowed small visiting slots. I do my best for them. I wish they could see their mum more. I wish they could stay with her. They can't - the courts will not allow it. Yet I am the bitch here? I just wondered if more people didn't save phone numbers. Especially of the people who are looking after THEIR children 97.5% percent of the time. Everyone in the family knows that dad is TERRIBLE on his phone . Is it too much to ask she saves my number in case something happens to the boys during the 2.5 % while they are with her?? Cos dad is physically hammering away and will not hear his phone. Some of the people commenting on here should be utterly ashamed of themselves. Trolls [/quote]
You’re just annoyed that people don’t all agree she should have your number saved. It’s clear she can get your number if she needs to, so I really don’t see why she needs to have it saved.

From the sounds of things, I ring my hairdresser more often that she rings you but I don’t have my hairdresser’s number saved.

@CloudyStorms

Am I being too judgy judgy? Yes

😂😂😂

Spot on. I'd be horrified if DH ex ever called me, and wouldn't dream of calling her, unless it was genuine life or death. Why on earth are you communicating your DH discipline decisions about THEIR children?!

It’s odd that you seem judgemental over the fact the kids mum doesn’t have your number to contact you in an emergency, whist apparently completely accepting that your partner is so rubbish at answering his phone you need to use location to find him.

Basically sounds like neither of these kids parents are very responsible for them.

Also you keep on saying you’ve taken on a mother role for them. Actually, if father was given residence it seems to be his job you’re doing.

Who is you being unable to get hold of your DH in an emergency any worse than her not being able to get hold of you.

I think for Xmas you need to get your husband a watch that can link to his phone so he can always be aware when it rings. Would solve a big issue here.

You are way over involving yourself on many levels and you need to step back OP.

Realised that maybe sounded different from how I meant it.

But you’ll drive yourself round the twist concentrating on details like this.

It’s an not ideal situation overall and you just need to do your best, not try to make things perfect.

You can’t control their mother’s actions and it’ll put you in a very bad place mentally -and emotionally if you go down that road.

Put other safety/emergency measures in place where you can, but don’t rely on her.

You also need to make it clear to the dad that he needs to get better answering his phone as he has children.

But you can’t take it on yourself to magic away the deficiencies of both their parents.

There’s no ‘we’ about it though op.
Their dad has custody of them, not you.

Giving their mum orders when you’ve been on the scene 2 years is pretty laughable tbh and what a terrible parent he is as well letting you get this deep into their lives.

Can't help thinking that if OP was a SD who had stepped up to be a father figure she would be applauded a lot more 🤔.
Im not a SM and my children don't have one but if they did I would hope for one as caring as OP.