Expecting to see DC every weekend

[onemore123]

My DP of 18 months has his DD every Friday to Sunday morning.
I have been spending some time with them both but for last 6 months it seems that we spend every weekend together.

It wouldn't be an issue, but it seems that it become an expectation that I'm with them every weekend. I went to see friends last Saturday and it caused and argument. It appeared that DP thinks of us as a family and says we might as well stop seeing each other at all if I would rather spend time with friends than them.
As silly as it sounds, I feel trapped now and guilty for wanting to do something different at the weekend. How can I tell him that I'm not going to spend every weekend with them without him being hurt and relationship ending?
Has anyone been through similar?

How weird. I have two children with my husband, who I live with, and we don't expect to spend all weekend just us every weekend? I often go to see friends and so does he without each other and the kids...

I think he needs to challenge what he thinks being a family is. It isn't living in each other's pockets 24/7

@onemore123 he is gaslighting you, reframing the actual events to convince you that you are the unreasonable one and he is the injured party. This isn't the case. He is being manipulative and unfair. You do not owe him. You are not obliged to make this sacrifice for him.

There isn't a scenario where you successfully explain your feelings until he understands and changes his mind because that's not what he is aiming for. His aim is to subjugate you for his convenience. Talking isn't going to help it just gives him more weapons. Just leave.

He says I've to show our relationship is important to me and try harder this is a horrendous thing to say. You probably can't see quite how controlling he is because you are the one being controlled. I didn't realise how toxic a previous relationship was until about 2 years after I was out of it. When you are in it you often can't see it. Especially if he is 'perfect' the rest of the time.

Try and imagine if it were a friend being told all the stuff he's telling you that might help you see how wrong it is?

There is no "should" in regards to how much you help him with his child. It is only how much you want to. Please don't put up with him minimising your needs. Your life is just as important as his.

Please take care x

@Werehamster gives great advice, if you leave him you don't need a justification or an explanation. You are not stuck in this relationship.

The situation is that he wants you to do a certain thing and you don't want to do it.

The controlling bit is that he is prepared to use ANY means he can to get you to do it - laughing at you, making you feel guilty, getting angry with you, attacking your self esteem - he's prepared to use any and all of these tactics to get what he wants.

Whereas a non controlling person would accept that you are a adult with a mind if your own and an opinion that happens to differ from his, and would shrug his shoulders and find an alternative solution to the problem.

Honestly leave this guy. This is such clap trap.
I don’t even know where to start with it. My faves are probably

1. My ex and her Dp —have a friend— found some mug who they can dump DD on. Why won’t you do the same? I want a mug too

1. You need to try harder to cancel all your plans, bend over backwards, stop thinking of yourself ever, always think of what convenient for him and aim to be the best subservient helper monkey you can be. 🥴

😅😅😅😅 no thanks
Honestly just end it. The more you write the worse he sounds.

Imagine this was someone else : would you be thinking “yes he sounds like a prize of a man” or “run for the hills!”

Think about what your life will look like and be in 5 years (answer:much much worse)

@onemore123

Argh we talked. He says this has nothing to do with ex. That I would do the favour for him so that he could go to work on the day when DD and I are going to be at his anyway. He said he isn't trying to use me to facilitate ex's because it wouldn't be fair. So why does it feel this way? I was feeling ridiculous when telling him how I feel about it all. It seems my arguments are just stupid and unreasonable.

He says when you are together you help each other out but because I've refused he doesn't want my help any more.

He says I've to show our relationship is important to me and try harder.
He is angry because my messages yesterday weren't that nice. He has actually laughed at me and then got angry when I said he is trying to guilt trip me. I should know better he wants the best for us, I should trust him (I told him the trust is fading away because I don't feel he treats me well). He said he and ex get more help from ex's friend who is babysitting DD every week for a few hrs and whenever they need rather than from me who is much closer and should be much more supportive. Basically I've to be ashamed for not being helpful.
I feel useless and crap today. I know it sounds stupid. Reading all your comments and advice helps. I'm going from loving him and wanting to spend time with him through hating him and his expectations, to feeling this situation is my fault and I'm rubbish partner to build relationship with.

How is it obvious to so many of you that he is so controlling? Why can I not see it?

WOW.

You CAN see he is controlling. You're literally there describing the manipulation and the bare-faced cheek and the total expectation that you will do what he wants even when you don't want to.

Dump him. There is literally no point to this - you either dump him now, when there's still an element of doubt because basically you're a normal person who wouldn't act like this cheeky entitled shit, or you wait, you spend a year getting angrier and angrier then dump him anyway.

Oh and how about you say 'No - you have to show our relationship is important to you by trying a LOT harder to show me you intend to be a good partner who knows that a. your child is your responsibility and yours alone and b. respects my decisions on how I spend MY own time!'

I'm gonna put this out there and whether it's specifically relevant to the OP I'm unsure but in case anyone else stumbles across this post.

If your partner is emotionally or bodily abusive to you DO NOT ENTERTAIN COUNSELLING OT THERAPY WITH THAT PERSON.

If in the unlikely hood of your partner agreeing to go, it will be used as a tool to further gaslight you and abuse you.

So much more damage can be created from this well meaning advice. There's a success rate of 0.0001% of a abusive person being reformed through therapy, court ordered or otherwise. Just don't.

If your partner is emotionally or bodily abusive to you DO NOT ENTERTAIN COUNSELLING OT THERAPY WITH THAT PERSON. 100% agree. It can just be turned into "therapist said this about you why aren't you working on it" etc

How humiliating for you to be thought of by him as the unpaid volunteer child minder while he and his ex profit from your labour!

@onemore123

I read your last post, and just walked off in pure disgust. Boiling too much to reply.

Seriously, the moment as an adult you hear someone say to you:
"you should be ashamed that .....", it's walk out the room time. Then take 100 deep breaths and contemplate hard whether you actually need this person in your life.

Isn't it funny how a manipulator can always name a (probably fictitious) person that is a shining example of whatever it is they want you to be?

If that person really existed they'd ask them obviously.

Don't let him make you feel like crap OP, he's trying to manipulate you. What about him trying harder instead of treating you this way? What a shitbag.

I'm reading about gaslighting to understand more how it works. I've ordered the gift of fear book. Thank you for all recommendations and kind words.

I would entertain the idea of couples counselling if this was a long relationship with children and with so many happy years behind us. That's not a case here. I think @Tattler2 suggested counseling only to find out more about dynamics in our relationship rather than trying to fix it.

He messaged last night and said if I only trusted him and did what he wanted me to do we could easily avoid these two arguments (babysitting and me seeing friends). It gets so obvious now that he wants me to put my needs aside and to simply do what he says to have a peaceful relationship.

You're saving my sanity!

God almighty , you have yourself a right twat there OP.
To blatantly say if you just do as he says then all will be fine is just mind blowing. Who the hell does he think he is!

The issue is that he's not treating you as an equal, it's more like a employee or child to be 'managed'.

I'm glad you're reading about manipulators op. The more you read you'll see that even though these people see themselves as unique and special , they're actually very boring and all pull from the same bag of tricks to get what they want.

I'm truly sorry you're going through this as it hurts like hell when you realise you've been played , but you'll quickly develop a radar for these types and see them off as soon as they try their luck in the future.

@onemore123 I only trusted him and did what he wanted me to do we could easily avoid these two arguments (babysitting and me seeing friends).

Do you know what I find Brillant about these types of people, when really pushed to the edge, they often very directly say exactly what they want from you, if the gaslighting/shaming/guilt tripping doesn't seem to be work.

It's like they think ok let's put it simply for her.Every single dammed time. Often when they think the person is on the ropes and about to break ect and will behave extremely nicely like look how reasonable I am.

Also I agree tatter wasn't saying it for nefarious reasons, I only posted what I posted in case someone reads this in the future and doesn't post and thinks ahh maybe that will work.
Maybe however some counselling for you (solely) might be worth a shot, not to assign blame but to get coping mechanism in place if you ever have the misfortune I bump into one of those people again.

He must think you are stupid OP. "Just trust me, I'll make all the decisions, it doesn't matter what you think because I know best."

He messaged last night and said if I only trusted him and did what he wanted me to do we could easily avoid these two arguments (babysitting and me seeing friends).

See, it's easy. Shut up, take care of his kid and do as you're told. What's your problem? 😂

Whatever you are, it isn't trapped. You can definitely do better than this man.

OP, you have no ties to this man. If you feel the relationship has no future (and a relationship where you're always feeling like you have to guard your boundaries really doesn't), you can tell him "Sorry, this isn't working for me" and walk away.

And I wouldn't trust him to the end of the street.

@Ourlady

God almighty , you have yourself a right twat there OP. To blatantly say if you just do as he says then all will be fine is just mind blowing. Who the hell does he think he is!

This!

Please get out of this relationship whilst it's still easy to do so (meaning nothing tying you together, I don't mean it'll be easy emotionally). You'll thank your lucky stars you've escaped when you meet a decent man.

He is gross quite honestly.

I wouldn’t waste anymore time on this one. Throw him back. Enjoy a peaceful Christmas this year without the guilt tripping bollocks.

Dear god.

I haven't RTFT but I have read all of your updates, @onemore123. Please tell me you're going to dump this arsehole? You deserve so much better!