Expecting to see DC every weekend

[onemore123]

My DP of 18 months has his DD every Friday to Sunday morning.
I have been spending some time with them both but for last 6 months it seems that we spend every weekend together.

It wouldn't be an issue, but it seems that it become an expectation that I'm with them every weekend. I went to see friends last Saturday and it caused and argument. It appeared that DP thinks of us as a family and says we might as well stop seeing each other at all if I would rather spend time with friends than them.
As silly as it sounds, I feel trapped now and guilty for wanting to do something different at the weekend. How can I tell him that I'm not going to spend every weekend with them without him being hurt and relationship ending?
Has anyone been through similar?

Tell him you might as well stop seeing each other if he wants to do overtime at the weekend instead of spending it with you and his DD!

He doesn't want you for you, he wants you largely as a new Mummy/aupair for his DD.

He has recently mentioned he would go to work for 6hrs on Saturday next week if I could watch her

That's probably why he wants it to be an every weekend commitment. So he can get some regular weekend working (overtime?) in with free childcare all sorted.

He's just getting you accustomed to being with her every weekend so you don't moan when he fucks off to work and leaves her with you. That would not be okay with me.

You’re not his partner, you are his babysitter.

He thinks you should stop seeing each other if you can’t be there every weekend so he can find someone else who is more of a homebody. Someone will stay in and mind his child so he can do other things.

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He’s massively unreasonable.

Look you must know surely that it’s not reasonable for him to insist you spend all of your free time with him and his kids - or watching his kids for him.

They are not your children and therefore not your responsibility. Even if you like them, even if you were married, even if you lived with them 50% of the time - there is nothing that dictates you have to spend all your time with him or them.

Yes if you decide to have a relationship with someone who has kids then you do end up in a family dynamic, it’s impossible not to. But you have to be happy with the level of involvement you have, both parties do.

There’s massive red flags here because when you’ve expressed your feelings, he’s minimised them, gaslighted you and low level threatened to break up with you in order to get his own way.

That’s not what a reasonable person does.

His contact time is for HIM to have contact with his kids, if you’re not comfortable with his level of expectations for your involvement and he won’t back down, well that’s the end of the relationship isn’t it.

Hell would freeze over before I let someone manipulate me like this. Who the fuck does he think he is!

Stand up for yourself, it’s your life OP. Don’t be coerced into a lifestyle you don’t want.

Well you know why he wants you there and it's not for family time at all. It's so he can have a nice lie in and then a tootle off to the shops so he doesn't have to look after his own daughter all weekend. That poor child, he's a shitty father and a shitty using partner.

When I was about 18 I had plans with friends going out Saturday night, as you do. I told my boyfriend and he said he felt let down, that Saturday night was our night. I thought that’s ridiculous, of course my friends will have things planned and I’m allowed to have friends! and I think that’s the point our relationship really ended although it hung on for a couple more months. In your case, you’re not only allowed friends but you’re not his free childcare. It doesn’t even sound like he ASKED re his going to work. You can’t make plans to see friends but he can make plans for you to be his childcare??

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

After your update I'm firmly with the pp that said you should chuck him!

He wants to do as he pleases while you parent his child. I hope you know that it's not on.

Me too!

Hahaha, nope.

Unpaid childcare with sex and washing up built in. Yeah, fuck off!

Dump pronto!

He is using you, what a chancer

Omg please get rid ASAP! Unless you end things this will be your life, no social life at weekends, playing stepmum, being unpaid childcare. You'll get made to feel guilty everytime you want to do something for yourself, despite the fact you have no children yourself. It's honestly not worth it

You have two choices OP, hard boundaries or split up, don't sleepwalk into this because before you know it you will be in too deep. He wants to make you 'default parent' despite you not actually being this child's parent at all, he wants to be able to do as he pleases during his contact with his DD safe in the knowledge that you will be there to fill in the gaps, he basically doesn't want to parent her alone.

So you either fiercely defend your boundaries and refuse to accept the role he's trying to assign to you (which may end the relationship anyway depending on how determined he is to force it on you) or you quit now and save yourself the battle.

Only you know whether the rest of the relationship is worth the effort of fighting him on this but I would think very carefully about whether you want a man who can't/won't parent his child independently as your life partner if I were you.

@onemore123

No I haven't posted about him before.

It makes it easier for him when I'm there. He can get up late, I'm up early anyway and would usually play with his DD, he can pop out for a quick food shopping and I stay with her. He has recently mentioned he would go to work for 6hrs on Saturday next week if I could watch her. She is 10. As much as I like DP's daughter I don't like the idea of me being a childcare so he can go to work.

I don't know if I want to be a step mum. I can spend time together with both of them but that's about it.

I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be unhappy either.

And DEFINITELY don't have her for 6 hours unpaid childcare next weekend!!!

You're not a family. He doesn't get to decide to draft you in to start parenting a child HE is responsible for. He doesn't get to dictate what you do with your time. He doesn't get to guilt trip.

Seriously - throw this one back.

'Sorry, no. I'll be out on the Friday night so staying at mine and probably having a lazy Saturday. You need to pay for childcare or ask her other parent? And while you're at it, stop guilt tripping me to start doing your parenting for you when you can't be arsed, and stop thinking you get to dictate how I spend my time. I have NO obligation to start picking up your slack just because we're an item, and I have no more intention of parenting your child than asking you to do my washing this week because, y' know, we're Faaaaaaamily now!'

“I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be unhappy either.”

You need to put yourself first, or at the top of the list.

🚩 honestly run. Contact time is for time with him and his child.

Some men want a new DP to do the hard parts of parenting. Yours is showing signs of it nice and early.

Run

So he is making you ready to be an unpaid babysitter.

He can't at the same time expect you to be there all the time AND go out to do things for himself such as having a lie in, going to work etc...

He is using you and is getting grumpy you don't play ball.
He is also trying to control yuou bu guilt tripping you.

Not OK. Ever.

It's almost hilarious how presumptuous he is being in his "feeling we are a family now", without even knowing if that is what you want. Being a step mum is not some gift you can assume your girlfriend will want, it might not be an appealing option to you at all and wouldn't to many. He's either delusional about the massive amount of compromise to the ideal family set up anyone wanting to be with him is going to have to make and thinks it should be treat for you, or he's trying to gaslight you into thinking it's something you've already agreed to.

The fact that he has lie in's on the weekend and didn't assume he needed to ask if this was ok says so much. You're not going to have much luck making this guy see where each of your responsibilities lie. He's definitely one to throw back.

Ha, I was coming to ask if he's asking you to pick up parenting. Sure as sure, he is.

He wants you around to make his life easier. Move on.

These type of men seem to be the majority of men who have broken homes-they will quickly seek out a new girlfriend, move in, get her to parent his kids for him and use cliches like ‘so you hate my kids then/do you not love them/do you hate spending time as a family?’
New girlfriend feels guilty, parents the kids that the father isn’t bothered about, gets impregnated. Like clockwork.

@NowEvenBetter
Sadly,the world seems to be filled with women who willingly settle and even embrace this type of situation. When women reach the point that they do not need to seek validation in order to say "no, sorry this is not an acceptable arrangement for me," only then will they be in a healthy place.

Step parenting needs to be put to one side. You have a DP that doesn't want you to go out and have fun. That's not a good trait in a partner.

He has recently mentioned he would go to work for 6hrs on Saturday next week if I could watch her. She is 10. As much as I like DP's daughter I don't like the idea of me being a childcare so he can go to work.

You don't like it because unless that's your trade by choice and DP is going to pay you, he's just signed you up for unpaid childcare under the guise of "family"
And is guilting you for wanting a life. Jesus wept.

I'm a step mum and I'm gonna say this from roof tops RUN! Can you imagine if you had a baby with this one, you would never ever be able to ever leave the house again. Permanent childcare and I bet he would become even more hands off.

Double up on protection, don't leave it to him. I hate saying run and leave a man but for all that his holy, this man isn't a catch or fish of any description you want, you have caught a used pair of underwear. Throw him back in.

As you can all see from my first post , I assumed that his daughter was much younger and he wasn't used to looking after a little one alone. She's 10 though , such a lovely age for going out and doing things together on a weekend. The fact that he cba to book a lane at a bowling alley or take her to the cinema is really lazy parenting , he should cherish those opportunities as the teen years soon come and they won't want to know.

If you stay with him op , you've a glimpse of what he looks like as a parent. It's not very promising is it? Save yourself the hassle and if you do want to eventually have kids with a man then look for one that is genuinely bothered about family time.

Please tell me you are dumping this selfish user.