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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Expecting to see DC every weekend

194 replies

onemore123 · 22/11/2021 10:25

My DP of 18 months has his DD every Friday to Sunday morning.
I have been spending some time with them both but for last 6 months it seems that we spend every weekend together.

It wouldn't be an issue, but it seems that it become an expectation that I'm with them every weekend. I went to see friends last Saturday and it caused and argument. It appeared that DP thinks of us as a family and says we might as well stop seeing each other at all if I would rather spend time with friends than them.
As silly as it sounds, I feel trapped now and guilty for wanting to do something different at the weekend. How can I tell him that I'm not going to spend every weekend with them without him being hurt and relationship ending?
Has anyone been through similar?

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 25/11/2021 12:30

How old are you both? I just wondered if there was an age gap.

I understand your confusion, when someone wants to erode your boundaries they will appear "reasonable" as they try a range of tactics to change your mind

You could do manipulation bingo -
guilt
anger
gaslighting
blame
threats

In a healthy relationship he would have just accepted your first answer and gave up earning OT on this occasion. I bet this isn't about the money anymore, this is about him trying to assert his control. If you can't be controlled then what value/use to him are you? I suspect he will be really angry that he has wasted his efforts over the last 18months as thought you were pliable.

FestiveMayo · 25/11/2021 12:30

Do you live with him? If you don't live with him and have everything from his house you need I would send a text and just say "this relationship isn't working for me any more, I wish you and son well" or something like that. Don't get drawn into any persuading him to stay.

Please please please do not stay with this man.

MarshmallowSwede · 25/11/2021 12:36

You are perfectly fine to see your friends. This man is not your husband and this is not your child. You’re not obligated to spend every weekend with him or his child.

Even if you were married and that were your child you are still perfectly able to have some time to see friends.

He is out of line.

Original poster

onemore123 · 25/11/2021 13:13

See, it's easy. Shut up, take care of his kid and do as you're told. What's your problem? 😂

That made me laugh out loud, thanks @Werehamster

I'm 34, he is 38 and we don't live together, thankfully!

I was thinking about nice things he does for me. He is a good companion for chats, we laugh together a lot, he helps me with my gym exercise plan, makes nice meals for me, he is supportive in my goals.

Part of me thinks and hopes the nice him, who he used to be for the first 9 months will come back.

OP posts:

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 25/11/2021 13:29

Men like this are often charming though - if they weren't, no woman would end up in an abusive, controlling relationship.

I have twice had relationships with apparently lovely, charming men who've tried this crap on me. I dumped them immediately and refused to give them a second chance. You should do the same.

candlelightsatdawn · 25/11/2021 14:08

My opinion is that Disney and romance films are much more impactful than most.

They paint a picture of evil person vs loving person in a clear cut way.

Rarely have I seen a accurate representation of a person who can embody both, as is truest to human nature. It depends how much the negative actions and behaviours out way the good and how upfront that person is about the bad.

The cycle of abuse often is actually a spiral, you see the good loving person so frequently in the beginning, as the mask starts to slip then you rarely see it and then never see it. Because the beginning was just live bombing, it was never really them.

Men like this are at their most dangerous when they are being nice as they are trying to drag you back into that spiral 🌀

Some people wouldn't mind doing this for their partners, who think servitude is a way of life and it makes them happy.

Op the question isn't why isn't he happy but are you under these conditions?

Werehamster · 25/11/2021 14:29

It's hard, isn't it? Things are rarely black and white and nobody is perfect, so it can be hard to weigh up the good and the bad.

I think, hopefully, this thread will have made you open your eyes and see the manipulative behavior and how he turns things on you. I suspect as you push back more against this behavior, his behavior will also escalate.

My advice is to take some time and think about things. In the meantime, don't move in with him and don't have a baby with him. Just consider everything carefully. I suspect you will recognise this side of him more and more. Good luck!

Fireflygal · 25/11/2021 16:57

Part of me thinks and hopes the nice him, who he used to be for the first 9 months will come back

This is textbook. Usually they are wonderful at the start and as mentioned before it's a cycle. If they were awful all of the time no one would stay with them and it would be clear cut.

A controlling partner isn't looking for a mutually beneficial relationship. They want someone subservient, not an equal who will say No. It makes them feel more secure if they have control and they don't have to factor in a partner's needs.

It's why saying No, often and early in a relationship (after the honeymoon phase) is pretty essential. How they handle your boundaries and any conflict is a major test.

He has failed - big time.

There is a solution to this..he could NOT do the overtime as that's what most parents have to do when faced with a childcare dilemma

FestiveMayo · 25/11/2021 17:17

Part of me thinks and hopes the nice him, who he used to be for the first 9 months will come back.

It won't. Or it might once you say you're leaving. For a few weeks. Then it will start again. It's classic. The first weeks are always the best but especially with men like your partner, they know exactly how to act what to say. Then boom you're trapped and they get to play their controlling games.

And yes, even in a controlling nasty peice of work can be genuinely nice sometimes. But what's the point. You could be on your own doing exactly what you want. You could find someone else who allows you to breathe and be yourself and not try to mould you into a subservient girlfriend.

Sorry I am ranting now, this is mostly me giving you the advice I wish I'd given my younger self.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/11/2021 20:15

At last you’re seeing him for what he is, OP. It’s not pleasant as you’re going through this but this will pass and you’ll be thinking “WTF was thinking?!”

mybroomstick · 25/11/2021 20:41

He messaged last night and said if I only trusted him and did what he wanted me to do we could easily avoid these two arguments

🤯🤯

Fucking hell. Hey rid of this sneaky, manipulative gaslighting man.

Lollypop701 · 25/11/2021 21:50

If you do as you’re told he will love you and treat you right forever and ever … he’d better because you will have no friends and your family is next on the hit list. You will be at home taking care of him and the kids. Your money is better off looked after by him and you’ll have to ask him to buy stuff … you won’t need makeup because he loves you the way you are, and he doesn’t want anyone else looking at you (oh and you’re not allowed out so why do you need it anyway) . You’d better not eat the cake, because you’ll get fat and unhealthy (but he will nip to the chippy on way home from pub because he works hard and needs a break) . We ALL see these stories on MN, too often. The start is some twat saying ‘trust me’ and you hear the alarm bells and you stay!

Starseeking · 25/11/2021 21:52

I've only read your posts OP, just leave him, his DD and his EX to it.

Life is too short for this gaslighting, guilt-tripping, EX appeasing crap.

You can, and will, do better fir yourself than this man who has no respect for you.

BruceAndNosh · 25/11/2021 22:11

That I would do the favour for him so that he could go to work on the day when DD and I are going to be at his anyway

Err, no.
If he is going to be at work, why would you be at his place?

theremustonlybeone · 27/11/2021 17:16

OMG dump him..he is a gaslighting shit bag. Your not 'family' he wants you to take on mum role and he goes back to what he did before , having a woman doing th grunt work. Why should you babysit his child all day on a saturday to support his ex wife having a day out...you could spend your time doing something for you. You having no time with him alone says it all. Dont listen to his shit...

Herecomesthesun70 · 27/11/2021 17:27

@onemore123

I'm reading about gaslighting to understand more how it works. I've ordered the gift of fear book. Thank you for all recommendations and kind words.

I would entertain the idea of couples counselling if this was a long relationship with children and with so many happy years behind us. That's not a case here. I think @Tattler2 suggested counseling only to find out more about dynamics in our relationship rather than trying to fix it.

He messaged last night and said if I only trusted him and did what he wanted me to do we could easily avoid these two arguments (babysitting and me seeing friends). It gets so obvious now that he wants me to put my needs aside and to simply do what he says to have a peaceful relationship.

You're saving my sanity!

Ha ha say what now. Tell him to fuck off

sillysmiles · 29/11/2021 13:51

I only trusted him and did what he wanted me to do we could easily avoid these two arguments

Part of me thinks and hopes the nice him, who he used to be for the first 9 months will come back.

I don't tend to see weirdos and psycho in every post about a guy on here - but this reads as classic coercive control.
Have you already broken up with him?
When you break up with him, make sure you have told family and friends what is going on so that they can look out for you.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 29/11/2021 16:38

He messaged last night and said if I only trusted him and did what he wanted me to do we could easily avoid these two arguments (babysitting and me seeing friends).

Wow. He couldn’t have made it clearer how controlling he is planning to be!!
I get that he HAD some nice sides to him. But just what that message he has shown you who he really is. Believe him.
Today it’s about childcare and seeing friends, tomorrow it will be how you dress, if you can see family or do a certain hobby. It won’t stop there seeing that he clearly thinks he knows better than you.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/11/2021 18:25

Think of it like he's going fishing Op- he puts on his best behaviour until he thinks he's caught you. Now you've been together a while he can stop bothering with the niceness and try to manipulate you into doing all the things he wants, whilst punishing you when you're being difficult by trying to stand up for yourself.
I'm afraid that the nice boyfriend you'd like back didn't really exist, that was the bait to catch you. If you leave he might try and be nice again but it wouldn't last.
Try and look at this relationship in a cold detached way- what's in it for you? Do you want to be the free help who gives up her life to make his easier? And how can you trust him, he's not on your side, he's always only on his side. Run like the wind @onemore123 and don't look back

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