Expecting to see DC every weekend

[onemore123]

My DP of 18 months has his DD every Friday to Sunday morning.
I have been spending some time with them both but for last 6 months it seems that we spend every weekend together.

It wouldn't be an issue, but it seems that it become an expectation that I'm with them every weekend. I went to see friends last Saturday and it caused and argument. It appeared that DP thinks of us as a family and says we might as well stop seeing each other at all if I would rather spend time with friends than them.
As silly as it sounds, I feel trapped now and guilty for wanting to do something different at the weekend. How can I tell him that I'm not going to spend every weekend with them without him being hurt and relationship ending?
Has anyone been through similar?

Why on earth does he think you would want to facilitate his ex having a day trip out? Which is effectively what he is expecting you to do. You have made it clear that you don't wish to be involved in their childcare arrangements, so it's up to them to sort out.

This bloke is a prize arse, isn't he? Not sure there's a future in this relationship tbh.

Oh god, just chuck him! He's a little weasel, and he will keep doing this and before you know you will be doing all the parenting of his DD.

You are completely right but you are also losing sight of the fact that you aren’t allowed to see your friends, your weekend time is supposed to be for him. But his weekend time is clearly supposed to be for him too with you there to facilitate, what happened to ‘we spend weekends as a family?’ Why doesn’t this apply to him? He’s treating you like an appliance pretty early on in the relationship when the dc is not even your child.

@onemore123 IF he was doing the overtime to put away for a break with you I could accept him asking for a bit of help - ie the overtime would be something which benefits you both.
However, this is NOT the case. You are expected to help him & his ex - nothing more. He gets his money, she gets her trip, you get THEIR child!
I said it upthread - run.
The fact that you have said no & he isn't respectful of that is a MASSIVE red flag as to his behaviour & attitude.

@onemore123

is just him wanting to be super nice to ex and using me to cover the fallout of that.

In short yes, and if this is fairly early on this will get worse. You will be used a human child shield to dodge any child or care taking responsibilities and expected to put up with a few knives thrown if you stay. It will get so much progressively worse.

You know that voice in your head that's angry, stay angry. He's trying to imply your jealous of the ex because you don't want to be used a as unpaid servant to look after his child and cause a issue with keeping his ex happy.

He's mad because he expected you to get into line and sit when him and his ex ask.

Show him your teeth and give him a good bite. He literally sounds like a walking red flag 🚩

OP, I don't have any relationship with anyone , spouse,children, parents, friends, etc, where I make plans that involve them without first consulting them. That is just a basic courtesy and a recognition that while I am an Integra part of their lives with the exception of my minor children , I am not in control of their lives.

I would find his assumptions about my time ,actions , and availability to be offensive regardless of the reason. Helping his ex or working overtime to afford a special outing for us as a couple, neither reason would justify trying to have control of my life and certainly not without prior consultation with me.

I would never have reached the point of wondering if he has more regard for the ex's feelings than my feelings. The fact that he thinks that he could and should control my time and dictate my actions, would have told me all that I needed to know about him and his perspective on relationships.

You are an adult. You are not his minor or dependent child over whom he has some control and say regarding your time and actions. That is not the behavior of a companion/lover/friend. If you accept this behavior for any reason, you are consigning yourself to a subservient status in this relationship.

At least you can see what's happening OP. I can totally see why you feel used. If your DP can't take the time off, then he shouldn't have offered.

I'd be taking a hike... you might find you get some more respect.

Why are people bringing up the ex? given the controlling nature of this man, he has probably insisted on right of first refusal when the child's mother has to find alternative care arrangements. He is probably not catering to the ex; she is likely complying with his controlling demands.

This man did not just become controlling.in his relationship with the OP. This is who he is. It is quite possible that his need for control may have contributed to the end of prior relationships.

For the OP to attribute this situation to some comparison to his level of consideration for his ex is to overlook the far bigger issue which is his controlling personality.

Argh we talked.
He says this has nothing to do with ex. That I would do the favour for him so that he could go to work on the day when DD and I are going to be at his anyway. He said he isn't trying to use me to facilitate ex's because it wouldn't be fair. So why does it feel this way? I was feeling ridiculous when telling him how I feel about it all. It seems my arguments are just stupid and unreasonable.

He says when you are together you help each other out but because I've refused he doesn't want my help any more.

He says I've to show our relationship is important to me and try harder.
He is angry because my messages yesterday weren't that nice. He has actually laughed at me and then got angry when I said he is trying to guilt trip me. I should know better he wants the best for us, I should trust him (I told him the trust is fading away because I don't feel he treats me well). He said he and ex get more help from ex's friend who is babysitting DD every week for a few hrs and whenever they need rather than from me who is much closer and should be much more supportive. Basically I've to be ashamed for not being helpful.
I feel useless and crap today. I know it sounds stupid. Reading all your comments and advice helps. I'm going from loving him and wanting to spend time with him through hating him and his expectations, to feeling this situation is my fault and I'm rubbish partner to build relationship with.

How is it obvious to so many of you that he is so controlling? Why can I not see it?

Fine for him to ask you to help out.

Not fine for him to expect it.

Not at all fine for him to 'push back' and guilt trip you when you say no.

When does he do nice things for you OP? Can you think of a time when he really put himself out to do something for you?

Don’t be ashamed for “not being helpful”. He is guilt tripping you. You’re supposed to be his girlfriend not his babysitter.

I’d leave him OP. He’s too much like hard work and his expectations are far too high but in the wrong place.

@onemore123 because one thing is clear OP is that you love him. Love makes you blind, but eventually you see the person you have been in love with usually when your in too deep. Then you feel like your stuck because of the sunk fallacy theory when it come to attachment (captain awkward is a website that gives out a really decent explanation on this - in a humours way. I really recommend you do have a look)

Also because we see this story play out so many times on the board. It starts always like this and ends in you not being able to say boo in your own house.

You aren't stupid, even some of the harshest commentators on here will tell you that at some point they got gaslight and fell for stuff they shouldn't. Btw gaslight is a excellent film (v old) but the tactics used by these men are always the same.

That voice your partner is trying to shame you into shutting up, is your instinct, that instinct only cares about one thing, your survival. Read the gift of fear by gavin de beck. Listen to that instinct.

We are saying this because at some point we have walked in your shoes, we can see how this ends and we are trying to make sure you don't end up in a god awful situation.

Many of the women I see as part of my work working with DV charity (bro Bono) are smart, educated women, who are preyed on by men who feed the women's insecurities and take them apart day by day little incident by incident.

Please please know you aren't being judged. Keep talking, we are here. You aren't alone and you deserve so much more than this !

Well for one thing he's making you feel crap. A good partner would make you feel better.

This is terrible. You shouldn’t see your friends at weekends. You should look after his child at weekends so he can make money for himself.

What does he do for you?

If a friend was telling you this, what advice would you give her?

Sounds like a terrible life with him, no idea why you would put up with this.

@onemor123
In your situation, I would never have mentioned his ex in my explanation to him. It should not matter what the situation is, he is trying to control your actions and your ability to make independent decisions about your time and actions. This is what you should find intolerable. Of course he only wants what is "best for us." In his mind, you obviously cannot be trusted with the decision making.

You should not let any of us make your decision for you. That is exactly what he is trying to do.

Only you will have to live with the outcome of your decision. , and to be honest, you may fall into the category of women who can tolerate subservience if the alternative is being alone. That is a choice that many women make and they live with that situation with varying degrees of comfort.

Internet courage is not what should inform the choice that you ultimately make. None of us will be living with you.

Maybe you could suggest some joint relationship counseling to help both of you understand the dynamics of your relationship as it stands. I doubt that your partner will agree to that but it is an option that you can put on the table.

Good luck in making your peace with whatever decision that you reach.

Ask yourself this @onemore123

Would you ask him to not see his friends? Would you push him to do a favour for you even if he'd said no very clearly?

I'm sure the answer to both of these questions is no. The reason for that being that you treat him with respect and care.

Sorry , I hit post before I finished.

He is controlling because he is not letting you have a say. He is working at making sure he gets what he wants , he clearly doesn't care if that makes you unhappy.

Now he pretty much wants you to beg to babysit for him. This is your punishment for having boundaries.

Partners are meant be equals and a support to each other.
How does he support you? Does he bring out the best in you? Do you want the same things in the future? Are you working towards your goals as a team? What do you admire about him? Do you smile when you see he has text you? Does your heart rise or sink when you hear his key in the door?
Really think about it. Maybe we are all wrong. Or maybe he's manipulated you so you can't see the big picture.

He needs somebody to do the wife work.

Run, run far and fast

@onemore123

Argh we talked. He says this has nothing to do with ex. That I would do the favour for him so that he could go to work on the day when DD and I are going to be at his anyway. He said he isn't trying to use me to facilitate ex's because it wouldn't be fair. So why does it feel this way? I was feeling ridiculous when telling him how I feel about it all. It seems my arguments are just stupid and unreasonable.

He says when you are together you help each other out but because I've refused he doesn't want my help any more.

He says I've to show our relationship is important to me and try harder.
He is angry because my messages yesterday weren't that nice. He has actually laughed at me and then got angry when I said he is trying to guilt trip me. I should know better he wants the best for us, I should trust him (I told him the trust is fading away because I don't feel he treats me well). He said he and ex get more help from ex's friend who is babysitting DD every week for a few hrs and whenever they need rather than from me who is much closer and should be much more supportive. Basically I've to be ashamed for not being helpful.
I feel useless and crap today. I know it sounds stupid. Reading all your comments and advice helps. I'm going from loving him and wanting to spend time with him through hating him and his expectations, to feeling this situation is my fault and I'm rubbish partner to build relationship with.

How is it obvious to so many of you that he is so controlling? Why can I not see it?

If he wants the best for you why doesn’t he want you to see your friends? Op this has very clearly showed who he is, and he isn’t somebody any woman wants to be in a relationship with. Message him: I disagree with your views on what’s best for me, I think we should call it a day. All the best.

@onemore123

Argh we talked. He says this has nothing to do with ex. That I would do the favour for him so that he could go to work on the day when DD and I are going to be at his anyway. He said he isn't trying to use me to facilitate ex's because it wouldn't be fair. So why does it feel this way? I was feeling ridiculous when telling him how I feel about it all. It seems my arguments are just stupid and unreasonable.

He says when you are together you help each other out but because I've refused he doesn't want my help any more.

He says I've to show our relationship is important to me and try harder.
He is angry because my messages yesterday weren't that nice. He has actually laughed at me and then got angry when I said he is trying to guilt trip me. I should know better he wants the best for us, I should trust him (I told him the trust is fading away because I don't feel he treats me well). He said he and ex get more help from ex's friend who is babysitting DD every week for a few hrs and whenever they need rather than from me who is much closer and should be much more supportive. Basically I've to be ashamed for not being helpful.
I feel useless and crap today. I know it sounds stupid. Reading all your comments and advice helps. I'm going from loving him and wanting to spend time with him through hating him and his expectations, to feeling this situation is my fault and I'm rubbish partner to build relationship with.

How is it obvious to so many of you that he is so controlling? Why can I not see it?

If you can't see it then you need to read this post back and imagine someone else was writing it about their boyfriend.

He's an absolute arsehole!! Everything you've written about him there shows him to be disturbingly controlling and downright unpleasant.

He is using you because it suits him to have a nanny/housekeeper around at the weekends.
He can't imagine you are a human being with needs of your own.
He doesn't think you have a right to needs of your own.

Get shot of this man - you have fight left in you now, if you hang around another couple years he might have squashed it out of you, and then you'll never escape.

What a manipulative bullshit artist.

Bin!

He didn't like you seeing your friends instead of him. All this childcare stuff is really a red herring. It's you having a life that isn't totally about him that is his problem. And that is really worrying.

Call his bluff. Tell him if babysitting friend is so helpful, he should go out with her and see if she's ok with being told she's not allowed to see her friends at weekends. You've already decided that is not acceptable to you.

He says I've to show our relationship is important to me and try harder.

He actually said that!

OP, you can't reason with guys like this. He'll just keep arguing and twisting everything you say. He isn't a good guy and it's only going to get worse. My advice is to leave him. You don't need to give him an explanation or justification, just leave.