Expecting to see DC every weekend

[onemore123]

My DP of 18 months has his DD every Friday to Sunday morning.
I have been spending some time with them both but for last 6 months it seems that we spend every weekend together.

It wouldn't be an issue, but it seems that it become an expectation that I'm with them every weekend. I went to see friends last Saturday and it caused and argument. It appeared that DP thinks of us as a family and says we might as well stop seeing each other at all if I would rather spend time with friends than them.
As silly as it sounds, I feel trapped now and guilty for wanting to do something different at the weekend. How can I tell him that I'm not going to spend every weekend with them without him being hurt and relationship ending?
Has anyone been through similar?

Well done for making it clear to him @onemore123
Do please consider though if it's worth being in a relationship where there are unreasonable demands placed upon you. It is truly exhausting to have to continuously state your boundaries when someone is determined to push them. These types wear you down over time if they're given the chance.

I met my (now) husband when I already had children. Not at any point did I expect him to stay in and care for them while I go off and arrange to work extra hours. It's ridiculously entitled behaviour.

Take care and good luck.

OP, your partner's expectations are unreasonable, but his stating his expectations is not what is responsible for your feeling guilty.

If you allow yourself to feel guilty for not living up to someone's unreasonable expectations that becomes a problem caused by your inability to feel comfortable with your own actions. You cannot lay the blame for your response at his door.

Sadly, even though his expectation is unreasonable, many women would comply. Very many women seem to function as though any man, no matter how unreasonable or flawed, is better than no man.

DP thinks of us as a family

No he doesn't.... he thinks of you as a free nanny he can shag....

good that you pushed back but honestly i would rethink the relationship. It is fairly exhausting having to perpetually defend your boundaries and guard against scope creep.
it's much easier to have a partner who just respects you and doesn't try to take advantage... or just be single and live your best left unencumbered by this nonsense

@onemore123

No I haven't posted about him before.

It makes it easier for him when I'm there. He can get up late, I'm up early anyway and would usually play with his DD, he can pop out for a quick food shopping and I stay with her. He has recently mentioned he would go to work for 6hrs on Saturday next week if I could watch her. She is 10. As much as I like DP's daughter I don't like the idea of me being a childcare so he can go to work.

I don't know if I want to be a step mum. I can spend time together with both of them but that's about it.

I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be unhappy either.

He’s using you for babysitting. I have heard about so many men on here who do this so they dint have to Solo parent their own child He’s a Dick, Chuck him ( I also havent heard that phrase for a while)

He's using you OP! He's also emotionally abusive!!!!

@Almostmenopausal
The OP's partner stating his opinion or even unreasonable expectations is not emotionally abusive. Those are his thoughts and in an open and honest relationship both partners should be free to express their thoughts ( even unreasonable or nonsensical thoughts )

The OP 's partner cannot force her to act on his thoughts; and the fact that she is choosing to feel guilty has to do with reactions and responses in her control.

I would not choose to partner with someone who felt that they had any need to make such assumptions about my time and actions mmm, but I would not define or categorize his thoughts as emotional abuse.

The OP choosing to acquiesce to his unreasonable thoughts might be a form of self abuse.

Thank you for the support 💐 it means a lot.

He is pushing back. I think you need to know the background. He wants to do this overtime because he isn't going to go to work on another day to allow his ex to go for a full day trip ( instead of going to work, he is going to be looking after DD so ex can go). He will be out of pocket as it would have been his overtime day and now wants me to babysit DD so he can do overtime to compensate.

Is this called using me to please ex and him so she can go for a trip and he has his money because I can use my own time to babysit?

He is pushing back saying he would never have thought I would leave him on his own when he needs help, why am I not supportive and positive about the whole thing, he would never think I would refuse looking after DD and I should just say yes darling of course I'll help you.

The more he pushes back the more angry I get. That's not 'help' he needs, it's not an emergency, it is just him wanting to be super nice to ex and using me to cover the fallout of that. How about me? Do I not deserve a respect? How did he even think I would help him doing such 'favours' for his ex, why would I even want to do it?

I feel there is a huge difference between how he treats me and her (and not, I'm not the jelaous girlfriend). She is to be pleased and I'm here to do the work this situation shows. Fuck that.

I am not over reacting, am I?

No back story here. They have an okay relationship with both of them being flexible and helping out with DD, I have never met DDs mum. And it was him who left her.

You're not overreacting OP. He should be in grovel mode after his unacceptable response to you seeing your friend the other week.The fact that not only is he not doing so but he's doubling down on his "I can't believe you won't do this for me" gaslighting attitude, shows that he doesn't really see what he did wrong before and this is just genuinely how he thinks.

If anything, I think you're under reacting.

Oh no. This reads like somewhere down the line you will end up doing the parenting and he can do what he likes, he’s using you to outsource his responsibility.
I don’t have personal experience but I’ve seen it enough on here where step mums/ partners start doing all the parenting. He probably got his ex to do everything when they were together and now you.
He either needs to acknowledge what your role is, his GF with her own life, or walk away.

@aSofaNearYou beat me to it. You are under reacting because he clearly still thinks he's in with a chance of getting his own way here, which tells me you haven't chucked him yet.
This was his chance to say "oh god you're right, really cheeky of me to assume, won't happen again" and then you could maybe proceed with caution.
But no, he is so sure of his entitlement and ability to bully you into submission that he's actually arguing back.
Fuck him and fuck the ship he sailed in on.

Nope you are not over reacting at all, he is basically using you to do his ex a favour thereby doing her a favour at zero inconvenience to himself. It might be different if he checked with you before agreeing to it but he didn't as he just assumed that you would pick up the slack. I do think that if you give in to this there will be more and more 'favours' down the line.

Nope.

The fact he hasn’t realised he is completely out of order and is in fact doubling down on the demands / free nanny would also make me v angry.

Find your rage OP.

This kid already has two parents, it's not up to you to be the parent and provide childcare in this situation. Sure it would be nice and kind of you if you did, but totally out of line for him to expect it.

If he wants to facilitate his ex by helping her out for a day, then surely he can ask her to repay the favour by looking after her own child so he can work on a different day? Or he can arrange childcare. Otherwise between him and his ex, they both get to do what they want - at your expense while you pick up the extra work.

It sounds like his idea of you being a "family" is one where you do all of the compromising and basically facilitate him.

OP, I don't think that the ex necessarily assumed that you would play a role in this scenario. She probably would have no objection to his paying for a sitter if that is how he would choose to handle this situation, what is unreasonable is his assuming that you would be both available and willing to be his babysitter.
I would not look at it as his putting her request above your interest. I would look at it as his putting his interest above your interest. Would it matter to you if he had simply volunteered to work an extra over time shift on Saturday under the assumption that you would be his sitter?

I think the role of the ex is a non issue. It is his assumptions about your time and actions that should be in question.

He may be perfectly honest in stating that under a similar fact situation that he would do it for you. Your stance should be that under no fact situation would you make assumptions about his time or willing availability.

1. The ex gets a jolly.
2. Your BF gets to do his overtime and recompensed accordingly
3. You get to spend your free time babysitting.

You've drawn the shitty end of the stick there haven't you? Stand firm. He doesn't get to decide what you do with your free time. Let him feel the pain of losing his overtime money and he'll think long and hard before he agrees to make arrangements without thinking through the practicalities in future.

You're right op , he doesn't 'need' you to do this for him. He could find another option , he just knows that having you babysit is easier than ferrying his child over to someone else's house or paying a child minder.

I'm glad you're not letting him bully you as if you do it just once he'll use that as a reason to badger you again and again.

I don't have a problem with ex. I have told him I'm happy they have a good relationship but I don't want to get involved and tangled in in their 'favours'. I don't mind him helping her out at all, it's his time, his money and his DD.
I would have no issue if he picked another day for this extra overtime.

The fact that I'm expected to babysit now, him refusing to ask ex to return the favour but expecting me to pick up the slack and him making me feel like a bad person for refusing to facilitate it made me so angry.

Now he's being a manipulative dickhead.

To me, this would be a red flag that he’s interested in you for a long term nanny, rather than a long term partner.

He should be enthusiastic and able to spend time with his child without you there. And you should be able to make your own plans with your friends without him guilt tripping you.

Presumably this child already has a very involved mother and doesn’t need another one?

The fact that he is trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty is a massive issue. This isn't your child. You have no obligation to look after her or spend every weekend with her. It seems that he just sees you as an unpaid babysitter and he expects you to do as you are told or you are painted as the villain. I'm sorry to say but i don't think this is a relationship to save.

None of what you're saying is an overreaction on your part. You're right to establish boundaries early on. If his ex wants him to take a day off so she can go on a trip then she can arrange cover for the day he wants to do overtime. Childcare is their responsibility, not yours.

I also find it weird that he's suggesting you should want to spend every waking minute with him and DD. Even my friends with children of their own leave them with their dad and have some adults only time every once in a while.

The guilt tripping is massively manipulative.
I mean this in a good way- I'm so happy your angry, that anger will keep your boundaries in check. Whether it is a gut feeling or anger, your body is screaming at you that this isn't right, and after only 6 months..........
RUN!

At 18 months you should still be having a lovely time together, going for meals, cooking for each other, weekends away etc.

Not straight into being his unpaid babysitter so he can help out his ex and have lie ins at the weekend.

@MoverCat

Now he's being a manipulative dickhead.

This - very succinctly put.

As the saying goes (paraphrased!) when someone shows their true colours Op, believe them. He's shown his - is this the life you want for yourself? I don't know you but you sound like a nice person and deserve better than this from a loving relationship.

I'm theory theory idea sounds lovely, a man who wants both his girlfriend and child to gets on and facilitates that with time spent together. However in reality he sounds controlling. A man who makes you feel guilty about seeing friends is a man who will ensure that the longer you're together the more isolated you become. Please leave him. This relationship will end badly.