@onemore123 the longer I am on these boards, the more I am starting to think that there are two camps of men post divorce/ separation re their children.
In the first camp are the ‘healthy’ men. Those men are able to appropriately parent their children, have healthy boundaries when it comes to introducing children/ partner, are fully emotionally available outside their children (so available for an intimate relationship), able to meet their partners needs and are very secure in themselves - as father and as men. They probably have quite high EQ.
Then there are another bunch of men. Who are vary on the spectrum of how they show up post separation/ divorce. Are they secure in themselves as fathers? Are they emotionally available to meet the needs of a partner? How much have they resolved their issues on the loss of their ‘family’? Do they have a healthy respect that their needs around their children will not necessarily be the same priority for their partner. Or are they at least able to enter into a conversation where they can determine whether the person they have met wants the same things they do in life.
Your partner is being beyond unreasonable. If he has arranged contact such that he sees his child every weekend, it is for him to meet that child’s needs. If it is critical to him that he rebuild a ‘family’ and that family involves his partner, then that is his choice. Was he ever clear about this upfront however? I doubt he was as I imagine had he laid this out from the get go, you wouldn’t have hung around.
What a lot of these men also don’t seem to understand is that in the recreation of these ‘families’, no ones needs really get met (aside from their own), especially if it a forced set up. The children aren’t necessarily happy as the child gets no 121 time with their actual parent. The partner is not happy as suddenly their free time/ money/ energy is being consumed by a child that isn’t theirs/ or being guilted into being ‘family’.
This man chose to have this child, she’s his responsibility. Until you choose (if you want to) to have your own child, your life and your time is free to do as you please. I wouldn’t expect anyone to compromise consistently for my children. That’s my job.
Anyone who chooses to be hands on/ involved, that’s a different matter: but the choice needs to be theirs.
By all means try and work this through and communicate through these issues. IME however it is very hard to change the mindsets some of these men have around their child. They either have the healthy mindset of my child: my responsibility and recognise their partner has their needs/ their lives outside of their child. Or they don’t. There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground.