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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Expecting to see DC every weekend

194 replies

onemore123 · 22/11/2021 10:25

My DP of 18 months has his DD every Friday to Sunday morning.
I have been spending some time with them both but for last 6 months it seems that we spend every weekend together.

It wouldn't be an issue, but it seems that it become an expectation that I'm with them every weekend. I went to see friends last Saturday and it caused and argument. It appeared that DP thinks of us as a family and says we might as well stop seeing each other at all if I would rather spend time with friends than them.
As silly as it sounds, I feel trapped now and guilty for wanting to do something different at the weekend. How can I tell him that I'm not going to spend every weekend with them without him being hurt and relationship ending?
Has anyone been through similar?

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 22/11/2021 10:29

You are bring perfectly reasonable seeing your friends at the weekends. He should be spending 1:1 time with his child. Can you have date nights during the week? Are you prepared to have this set up until the child is at least 15? If I didn’t have children I would not want this set up and would be looking to finish the relationship.

ClawedButler · 22/11/2021 10:32

Oh that's weird. Even families spend some time apart, it's not a question of "well you either have friends or me and my DD, nothing in-between".

Most people are perfectly happy for their partners to go off with friends of a weekend, either for a night out or for the whole weekend away. It's odd that at 6 months he feels he can dictate to you who you spend your time with, and when. Part of me is wondering if he's just wanting a free babysitting buddy, so he doesn't have to parent his child on his own.

purpleboy · 22/11/2021 10:34

He shouldn't be guilt tripping you! You are perfectly entitled to see your friends whenever you like. Don't let him dictate to you what you can and can't do.

Chamomileteaplease · 22/11/2021 10:36

What a strange perception he has Sad.

Would it be the same if you wanted to meet up with friends on a Friday night for instance?

Are you expected to be with them from Friday night to Sunday morning? And presumably beyond?

Either:
he's a rubbish father who can't cope by himself
he's a controlling arse who doesn't want you to go out without him
he has strange ideas about the role his girlfriend should play or
he has very strange ideas about what a family means.

None of which sound good.

Has he any other strange ideas?

aSofaNearYou · 22/11/2021 10:37

I wouldn't worry about anything other than getting out of this relationship because that's a massive red flag and likely the gate way to a world of issues when it comes to his expectations of you.

sillysmiles · 22/11/2021 10:38

He should be spending 1-1 time with his child and no offence to you, but I'm sure his DD would want sometime with her Dad without Dad's gf around.
Even without kids involved, the idea that he tries to guilt trip you for seeing your friends is wrong.

Weepingwillows12 · 22/11/2021 10:38

You are not doing anything wrong. He wants to see both of you and that's fine but you can have a weekend off. Are you picking up a lot of the "parenting" on the weekends so he finds it harder without you or is it a genuine want to spend time with you? Even if there were no kids involved you are allowed to see friends. I would just talk to him and say you want to see friends sometimes and the DC is his responsibility not yours.

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/11/2021 10:42

Did you do a whole thread about him a few weeks ago
I thought you left him

SleepingStandingUp · 22/11/2021 10:42

So if you see you friends do you not see him all weekend so you're going two weeks often without seeing HIM?

I'd find his attitude really suffocating. DH and I have three kids together, I still see my friends without them

DowntonCrabby · 22/11/2021 10:42

I’d get out of this now, he won’t change.

YADNBU!

StrictlySinging · 22/11/2021 10:43

Well it’s hard to know but I guess you are automatically helping him parent - practically at least and you make it easier for him?

However if you were a family you would also be perfectly fine to see friends and leave fictional dd with him wouldn’t you?

Tattler2 · 22/11/2021 10:45

You might simply tell him that when you began dating you were looking for companionship and possibly a romantic relationship. You were not looking for a family. The usual order of business is to find a companion and that may lead to a family. The term partner is not synonymous with family.

At this point, you are his companion and romantic partner. You are not his daughter's step mother. Is that a role that you even feel the need to undertake?

This man is not looking for a partner; he is looking for a step mother. He is not making room for you in his life; he is expecting you to surrender your life for them.

What exactly are you gaining from this relationship? It seems as though he gets to dictate all of the terms. Controlling men are not hard to find. If you leave this particular control freak, you can without much difficulty find one with fewer encumbrances.

I would not want anyone who thought that they had a right to control my time and actions in this manner.

You should consider just saying " goodbye, this relationship is far too one-sided to work for me. I wish you well, but clearly, we need and want different things. "

girlmom21 · 22/11/2021 10:45

I'd leave someone who won't allow me to have any time to myself.

You've only been together 18 months.
It doesn't bode well for the future.

girlmom21 · 22/11/2021 10:46

This thread should be moved to relationships because the fact he has a daughter is actually completely irrelevant here

Mudflaps · 22/11/2021 10:47

Did you post about this recently? If so, are you hoping for different suggestions now?

Fuuuuuckit · 22/11/2021 10:48

My ex has never, ever had the kids by himself in the 10 years we've been apart (hmmm, no 'overlap', really?)

However, they go at most once every few months so him and his gf get plenty of time just the two of them.

Huge, huge red flag op, if he's kicking off because you want to see your own friends, never mind sacrificing all your weekends to be a 'family'. Do you never have trips away just the two of you?

sunshinelover69 · 22/11/2021 10:48

Tell him to sod off - his child, his time to spend with her. You are not obliged to do any parenting or spend time with them.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 22/11/2021 10:48

I would be backing out of this relationship OP. It’s not even a step parenting issue- it’s a controlling partner issue. You aren’t allowed to see your friends at weekends. That’s literally one of the tag lines on domestic abuse campaigns I’ve seen.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 22/11/2021 10:49

I agree with pps , he's being ridiculous/controlling.

There's a high possibility that he may be (yet another) of those men that need a woman to parent their child for them. If he cannot cope with his toddler alone then he simply has to learn. Lots of parents do it , he's not in a unique position!

MiddleParking · 22/11/2021 10:50

Chuck him.

sunshinelover69 · 22/11/2021 10:52

@MiddleParking

Chuck him.
😂 love it, haven't heard that expression in ages!
LoveComesQuickly · 22/11/2021 10:52

This would be weird and controlling even if his DD was your daughter too. Both parents should be able to go and see friends once in a while without their partner and DC. And far worse in your situation!

PeeAche · 22/11/2021 11:01

He's perhaps trying to feel like he's got the family he imagined when he and his ex brought her into the world. He's only human - but he's making a mistake. (We all make mistakes. Even mums are perfect parents and partners all of the time)

It's only a red flag if you do have talk with him about it and he refuses to see your way of thinking. An argument doesn't count as a talk.

When you're both feeling calm and secure and the little one isn't around to over hear it, explain your point of view.

It's also very important for the child to have alone time with her father.

Gliderx · 22/11/2021 11:31

I'd nip this one in the bud or end the relationship.

DH and I share a child. A few weekends ago, DH took DS to visit his parents for the whole weekend. I had time to myself to go swimming and go out for coffee with friends...it was lovely! And two long lies.

The weekend after that, DH went off for a whole day to do an experience that he particularly wanted to do. I looked after our child and took them out to the playground the next day so DH could have a lie-in since he only got home in the early hours. DH and DS watched a film in the afternoon while I had a nap.

This weekend, DH is doing a 10k so I will be looking after DS. Then I'm going out to see a show and have dinner with some old work friends in the evening so DH will be in charge from 3pm onwards.

The situation you've described would not be normal even if you shared a child. Massive red flag, I think.

Original poster
onemore123 · 22/11/2021 11:39

No I haven't posted about him before.

It makes it easier for him when I'm there. He can get up late, I'm up early anyway and would usually play with his DD, he can pop out for a quick food shopping and I stay with her. He has recently mentioned he would go to work for 6hrs on Saturday next week if I could watch her. She is 10. As much as I like DP's daughter I don't like the idea of me being a childcare so he can go to work.

I don't know if I want to be a step mum. I can spend time together with both of them but that's about it.

I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to be unhappy either.

OP posts:
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