Ideas for split Xmas day adult alone

[Thisandthathat]

I usually plan my Xmas day a year in advance. My DC alternates Xmas/ NY between me and DCs Dad.

Last year was awful so I suggested to my DP’s ex we do a joint Xmas day, DC and SDC hadn’t seen much of each other due to covid. I’ve been with DP 4 years all get along.

As it happened by the time Xmas 2020 rolled around me and DP were living together. So we hosted DPs ex and SDC at ours.
It was a little difficult as by now it has become apparent the amicable relationship between DP and his ex was really only due to him constantly giving into her.
But I put brave face on it and we all had a good time.

I’ve been asking DP since last Xmas to sort out Xmas plans going forward. Of course he’s not, a few months ago I said stop pretending you have any option you are clearly just going to go to ex’s house on Xmas day. Apart from 2020 this has been their habit since splitting 8 years ago.

All year he was adamant he would go for a few hours and not eat dinner.
We’ll now he’s going to have dinner with ex her parents and DSC before returning home. This means we won’t have dinner together.

It also means I’m alone for bulk of Xmas day. I feel very sad.
DP doesn’t want DSC to have 2 xmas days, but will happily to take part when my DC is having Xmas day with me on 28th. DSC will also be with us then.

Is this normal to go to your ex after so many years?
We don’t have a joint dc and won’t , so it’ll never be an issue in that sense. But next year my DC will be here for xmas. There’s no possibility to split that day or for them to alternate his ex has been very clear she won’t do this.

Sorry just wanted to get it off my chest.

OP I wouldn't have a huge problem with this and we have a massive pain in the wotsit of an ex.

It's odd to me that she wants this, I certainly wouldn't, I suspect it's a bit of a point scoring exercise for her but if that is the case and she upsets you she's winning in a sense.

My DH has had to do all sorts over the years "for the kids"
And often the logic has been a bit batshit to us but he tends to pick his battles wisely. I'd expect my DH to say no way to something like this, our two have Xmas day at one house one year then the next on rotation. I suspect the mum doesn't want to NOT do that. I think THIS is the bigger issue, it was written in the court agreement for DH when the ex weaponised the kids in the divorce.

If you can't get him to stand up to this I wouldn't be all that bothered. I'd happily spend Xmas day waking the dog, catching up on soaps, loafing around. Then I'd plan a nice evening when he gets back. I wouldn't make this the hill I chose to die upon.

I would be fuming about this. It may well be ‘normal’ if you are both single. But when one, the other or both isn’t. It’s not.

They need to agree a new plan to alternate or split. And DP needs to sort this out. This is one of the reasons that I say start as you mean to go on. Because I imagine that if he now says no we need to change it it becomes your fault. But really it should never have been happening in the first place.

This can’t go on indefinitely. They need to be grown ups and sort it. If she moves on with someone, then what? Does DP go with ex, her new partner and her parents and DSC and you stay alone? No as if. As soon as she moves on DP won’t be invited anymore! He needs to do this for himself and his current relationship and splitting or alternating would be fine for DSC they’d get even more of a Xmas!

@OneDayInMyLife

Fair play, your business.

DP is otherwise thoughtful, kind and a great partner.
I’ve tried to be very careful given my last relationship. The fact he was on friendly terms with his ex was great from my POV. But it’s not such a positive now

This issue probably feels bigger than it is because:

1. Took me nearly a year to get a definite answer on his Xmas plan.
2. DP ex has really taken the mick this year and he just doesn’t see it. I’m fed up hearing about his friend when she is anything but.
3. I don’t see an end in sight.

I was previously very friendly with his ex, there’s never been any indication of her dating or thinking of dating.
It’s abit odd tbh because she wanted more children.
I don’t think she’s fully over the relationship and is a bit in denial.
For example she let him keep lots of items in her house and him stay on the weekend to look after DSC.
This arrangement ended about a year after we started dating.

I did ask him alternate so we can all have Xmas (DSC / DC) together. It makes me uncomfortable as I think he should sort this. I feel like a wicked SM saying this to him!

You really are not a wicked SM op.

Your dps ex is manipulative and unfortunately he is a mug.

This is the bit I don't get

DP doesn’t want DSC to have 2 xmas days, but will happily to take part when my DC is having Xmas day with me on 28th. DSC will also be with us then.

How is that them not having 2 Christmas days? Or is this that he doesn't want them having a 'Christmas day' without him and just with his ex, even if that wasn't on the 25th?

When you say 'she won't alternate' - so is he then saying that she will have them every 25th Dec and he will be going round there, every year, for the foreseeable future?

I'd be up in a balloon or something quite dramatic. Make a statement that you matter. Do something he'll really feel he's missing out on!

I don't know. I think Christmas is all about children and if having their parents together all day on Christmas Day is what makes them happy, that is a higher priority than adult preferences.
Does it massively matter what you do on that specific day, so long as you have a day near Christmas when you properly celebrate together. Could you do Christmas Eve with a proper candlelit dinner and presents around the tree etc?

If I'd had a proper celebration I'd quite like a whole day of total peace to read the books I'd been given, take along bath in new bath products, do some beauty pampering and maybe write in a new notebook some plans for the year ahead. It could be a day of blissful selfishness, luxury and happy introspection.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

This is the bit I don't get

DP doesn’t want DSC to have 2 xmas days, but will happily to take part when my DC is having Xmas day with me on 28th. DSC will also be with us then.

How is that them not having 2 Christmas days? Or is this that he doesn't want them having a 'Christmas day' without him and just with his ex, even if that wasn't on the 25th?

When you say 'she won't alternate' - so is he then saying that she will have them every 25th Dec and he will be going round there, every year, for the foreseeable future?

Yep that’s what he’s saying. Seems crazy to me!

I’d have they would both like to Xmas with DSC and not have to dance around each other.

It’s going to be a 1000 times worse next year when I’ll likely have to explain to my DC, why my DP and DSC aren’t here.
Tbh I am planning to go away, I’m not sure how we can stay home.

I think it’s fine for him to see his kids and eat lunch then be home by 2pm to spend the day with you, go for a walk and eat a massive chessboard. If he was out of the house 8-8 I’d be furious. But I could definitely entertain myself for a while

Any other day of the year I could fill quite happily. But being it’s Xmas most things are closed, my preferred hotel is full, my parents abroad.

I don’t really want to start asking friends what are you doing? And try to insert myself into their day.

I think I better get on with finding an alternative dog friendly hotel.

I would go abroad but am limited as I’ve got to work / pick my DC at a set time after Xmas.

This is so strange! My DH wouldn't in a million years leave me home alone on Xmas day!
I have 2 DSD's and they literally LOVE the fact they have Xmas Day twice. Your DP doesn't want them to have two, but has he asked the DC? Are they old enough to ask? As a kid, who wouldn't want an extended Xmas?
We've always done it where DM has them on Xmas day, as otherwise she'd be alone and we have them on Boxing Day - that way no one is alone, no one has any awkwardness of having to be together if they don't want to be and ultimately the DC are happy regardless. They're too old for this now but we always used to FaceTime the kids on Xmas morning to show them what Santa left under the tree which added to their excitement!

@Thisandthathat

Any other day of the year I could fill quite happily. But being it’s Xmas most things are closed, my preferred hotel is full, my parents abroad.

I don’t really want to start asking friends what are you doing? And try to insert myself into their day.

I think I better get on with finding an alternative dog friendly hotel.

I would go abroad but am limited as I’ve got to work / pick my DC at a set time after Xmas.

I just don’t get this drama. He’s only going out for three or four hours and spending the rest of the day and evening with you. Are you really that upset about not having crimbo dinner with him or three or four hours alone?

I hate the way that so many men remain entrenched with their ex partners under the guise of 'it's for the kids'. It's not. Its nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with the weird dynamic they seem to almost like maintaining with their exes. In this situation there are so many other ways that the man could choose to organise Christmas. He just doesn't want to.

@whistleryukon

I hate the way that so many men remain entrenched with their ex partners under the guise of 'it's for the kids'. It's not. Its nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with the weird dynamic they seem to almost like maintaining with their exes. In this situation there are so many other ways that the man could choose to organise Christmas. He just doesn't want to.

I just don’t get this. Successful co parenting should involved parents being friendly.I see no issue with them spending three or four hours together on Xmas day to give the kids a normal Xmas.

I really don’t understand why so many folks are horrified at the thought of it, like he wants to shag his ex or something.

He needs to put a stop to it. This can be the last year if he wants but what he is doing isn't great for his kids either. As they get older they'll see it all fake.

Oh @Bluntness100 you've made your position and viewpoint very clear on every single step parent thread, we get it, you're a step mum basher. I scroll past all your posts.

*I just don’t get this. Successful co parenting should involved parents being friendly.I see no issue with them spending three or four hours together on Xmas day to give the kids a normal Xmas.

I really don’t understand why so many folks are horrified at the thought of it, like he wants to shag his ex or something*

I'm not horrified by the dynamic, it might make sense for single people, but I think it's quite a selfish thing to expect to maintain whilst seeking out subsequent relationships.

@Bluntness100 it's nothing to do with shagging her, it's the fact that he has moved on but its still prioritising her wants over that of his new wife.

@whistleryukon

Oh *@Bluntness100* you've made your position and viewpoint very clear on every single step parent thread, we get it, you're a step mum basher. I scroll past all your posts.

ffs grow up😂

I don’t get it, , they are together all morning, he leaves about two or whenever, has some crimbo dinner with the kids, which is lovely for them, and then heads back about five.

I just don’t get why the op needs to go to a hotel, or go abroad becayse of it. I really don’t and I do not see how that is step mum bashing? He wants to see his kids on Xmas day, is going for three or however many hours, and coming back. People are posting like he’s spending the night and all day there.

@Bluntness100 ah so just because you don't get it means it can't possibly be bad.

If you don't get it, move on and go and do something else.

Some people just say 'grow up' to just about anything they don't like, don't they? It's insufferable.

It’s a very sad situation. You should put your foot down and tell him it’s no longer the norm and that you won’t tolerate him sending Christmas Day with his ex, leaving you alone.
I haven’t had a decent Christmas since meeting my DH due to his children (long story). They’re now young adults and I’m considering spending Christmas alone to avoid them. So I do empathise with you.
What’s the solution?

@Bluntness100 OP said he was adamant he would only go over for a few hours and wouldn't eat there, but now he is having dinner there. I took that to mean he would be having dinner there in addition to the few hours rather than instead of, so most likely spending the morning and early afternoon there.