Ideas for split Xmas day adult alone

[Thisandthathat]

I usually plan my Xmas day a year in advance. My DC alternates Xmas/ NY between me and DCs Dad.

Last year was awful so I suggested to my DP’s ex we do a joint Xmas day, DC and SDC hadn’t seen much of each other due to covid. I’ve been with DP 4 years all get along.

As it happened by the time Xmas 2020 rolled around me and DP were living together. So we hosted DPs ex and SDC at ours.
It was a little difficult as by now it has become apparent the amicable relationship between DP and his ex was really only due to him constantly giving into her.
But I put brave face on it and we all had a good time.

I’ve been asking DP since last Xmas to sort out Xmas plans going forward. Of course he’s not, a few months ago I said stop pretending you have any option you are clearly just going to go to ex’s house on Xmas day. Apart from 2020 this has been their habit since splitting 8 years ago.

All year he was adamant he would go for a few hours and not eat dinner.
We’ll now he’s going to have dinner with ex her parents and DSC before returning home. This means we won’t have dinner together.

It also means I’m alone for bulk of Xmas day. I feel very sad.
DP doesn’t want DSC to have 2 xmas days, but will happily to take part when my DC is having Xmas day with me on 28th. DSC will also be with us then.

Is this normal to go to your ex after so many years?
We don’t have a joint dc and won’t , so it’ll never be an issue in that sense. But next year my DC will be here for xmas. There’s no possibility to split that day or for them to alternate his ex has been very clear she won’t do this.

Sorry just wanted to get it off my chest.

has some crimbo dinner with the kids, which is lovely for them is it? Or is it just painfully awkward going along with the charade every year?

@Bluntness100

I think what’s really happening here is he is choosing to have Xmas dinner with his children rather than you. He will be with you in the morning and in the evening. You need to stop making it about his ex. I doubt it is. It seems to be about spending part of the day with his children.

The way this is written it’s that he wants to be with his ex and not you
You even ask if it’s reasonable to do that, and write it like the fact his own children will be there is irrelevant.

Disagree!! He can have Xmas dinner with his children at HIS house with HIS partner but he chooses not too 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

God some codswallop really does get peddled out on these threads from time to time.

I am super amicable with my exh. We co-parent brilliantly. But we have boundaries. And those boundaries involve not playing some messed up ‘happy families’ game on Christmas Day.

If I did this to my kids; they would find it awful. I think this is beyond cruel. If children have any memories of life when their parents were together, spending a day like this with the ‘core family’ intact is just awful. How does this benefit the children? What? They get to play happy families for Christmas morning, have their parents together, eat some turkey and then daddy buggers off again to go home to the woman he lives with?

Christ alive.

It isn’t healthy for the kids. It’s a messed up game being done by an unboundaried exwife. Who is putting her needs over and above those of her children. The fact that this man is going along with it? Bonkers.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Bluntness100 OP said he was adamant he would only go over for a few hours and wouldn't eat there, but now he is having dinner there. I took that to mean he would be having dinner there in addition to the few hours rather than instead of, so most likely spending the morning and early afternoon there.[/quote]
That’s not what I read it as, I thought a few hours Inc dinner. Depends what a few means but generally it’s about three or four. But she does say bulk of the day as well.

It’s the dinner bit that makes this really difficult, not the time for me, as he is leaving her with no one to have Xmas dinner with, personally I’d never do that, and it would signify something is wrong in the relationship to me that he would, going for three or four hours for me isn’t a big deal. Leaving her with no Xmas dinner or Xmas dinner for one is.

He could easily say I need to get back as x will have no one to have xmas dinner with.

I think I’d volunteer at a shelter or something x

He could easily say I need to get back as x will have no one to have xmas dinner with

Yes. I can see why the kids might value having dad there when they open presents. I don't know any kids who would be anywhere near as bothered about dad being at the table when they eat their turkey dinner, if he's already spent some of Christmas Day with them.

My MIL is like that. Every year, Christmas has to be spent with her and on her terms (my family doesn't get a look-in and the one year they did she complained for months). FIL has been with his partner (originally the OW) for 15 years and will still go to his ex wife's house at Xmas to see his sons (now 30s). I am sure his wife must have something to say about it and yet it happens every year.

So, just to say that it does happen in other families, but yes I agree it is very odd!

I take it the ex doesn't have a partner, I can't see this communication continuing when she gets one.

Hmm. It does seem a bit like everyone is allowed to have feelings about xmas day apart from you, OP. Ex gets to want to have kids there every year, and not alternate. DP gets to decide having two xmases is not for his kids (even though he's happy to share in your own special alternative xmas). Yet you're not allowed the basic courtesy of knowing what his plans are for the day, you're supposed to be fine about being fobbed off all year until you have no option but to be alone? And that's okay?

I don't think that's a nice way to be treated.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

He could easily say I need to get back as x will have no one to have xmas dinner with

Yes. I can see why the kids might value having dad there when they open presents. I don't know any kids who would be anywhere near as bothered about dad being at the table when they eat their turkey dinner, if he's already spent some of Christmas Day with them.

Even they alternated, on days they don't see dad on 25th they could also have a meal and open presents on a different day with dad and OP (and possibly OP's DC), like OP is having on 28th.

We don't actually know that the DC wouldn't like that plan, they might like it better.

This is certainly an atypical situation; however, there is nothing to suggest that these kids are being harmed in anyway. There is nothing to suggest that they expect their parents to reconcile. There has Bern nothing stated that these people view this anything other than a long standing tradition.

There is not any evidence that the kids view that as an annual dinner that they share with the people responsible for their conception. After 8 years, if these people had any romantic interest in reconciling, they have had more that ample time to act on that interest.

If the OP has known about this for the past several years, she too has had ample time to walk away from this situation.

These people have all become entrenched in long standing actions and traditions, and it is probably easier for them to walk away from each other than to give up practices that are obviously meeting some need for them.

The OP's partner is having some need met or he would probably not have continued the practice long after becoming involved in a new relationship. The OP and her partner may want to consider why is the need or desire to spend Xmas together not a mutual need or desire.

The OP is assuming that he would necessarily want to spend Xmas with her alone were it not for the ex That may or may not be the case.

It seems as though they have very different perspectives on relationship management. That is neither an ex nor a child related problem that is a relationship perspective issue. If the OP wants to continue in this relationship, she may wish to consider couples counseling for the 2 of them.

It isn’t healthy for the kids. It’s a messed up game being done by an unboundaried exwife. Who is putting her needs over and above those of her children. The fact that this man is going along with it? Bonkers.

Thank god someone finally said it.

OP you need to tell your partner that his behaviour is not helping his kids understand that their parents are separated, and while they will always be their parents they are no longer together. The desire to act like this is for the adults benefit and the children's detriment.

I had to tell my DP that a couple of times, he then spoke to someone with experience of dealing with children with family issues and put in boundaries with his ex. My DP's ex was unpleasant anyway but her behaviour just became more so.

His ex may become unpleasant but he needs to deal with it if he wants another love relationship.

In your own case stop being a doormat.

You need to decide whether you are going to continue in the relationship if he still goes ahead with his planned Christmas Day as there are clearly other issues around his boundaries with his ex.

There are separated fathers out there who can put in boundaries with their ex regardless of their children's ages. Also if you, yourself, are under 35 you don't need to go out with someone who already has children.

Anyway I suggest you sort out your own Christmas Day to spend it with friends/family or volunteering immediately. If he them decides he isn't playing 'happy families' with his ex he can join you.

Regardless of whether you stay in this relationship or not, get counseling to see why you put up with such shit in relationships. I know people who have done it and they then ended up with a long term partner/spouse who is lovely to them in a healthy way.

If he left me alone all Christmas Day I wouldn't still be living there come Boxing Day. Sorry the kids should have alternate years with mum or dad and if they truly would be affected by not seeing dad he nips round in the morning with gifts and stays an hour or two but then come back home.

It's unfair on everything doing what they are doing

This whole scenario is weird and unhealthy, and would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Don't be a doormat.

I'm swinging between jealousy you get to spend Christmas alone in peace and knowing the reality would be far far removed from the chocolate induced heaven I'm picturing.

Op I wouldn't be happy with this, it sets a tone for the future that the ex feelings will be put ahead of your own. Also it's incredibly confusing for the kids involved - no matter how old all kids of divorce hope their parents will get back together. Both the adults here are allowing that fantasy to take place.

Run red boundaries issues aglore run

I agree with lots of others. It isn’t a ‘normal’ Xmas for the kids if your parents are separated.

If seeing dad for a few hours on Xmas day is really important to the kids then exw needs to get over herself and let them go there for those few hours instead of insisting she have them all day.

It sounds as if exw doesn’t want to give any of this day up even for the sake of the kids so is making their dad go along with her charade.

He needs to put a stop to it

@blendIful
How does one"make " a grown man do anything ?The reality is that he is choosing to do this. Originally, for all that we know, this arrangement may have been his idea.

It is also disingenuous to suggest that his kids are necessarily confused or damaged by having an annual holiday dinner with their biological parents. The kids experience this once a year event and that does not necessarily translate into some happy family event that leads them to expect or even hope for some kind of reconciliation. It may be as simple and similar as having turkey or duck every year for Xmas.

The OP's issue should be whether her relationship is meeting her needs. Clearly, the partner is setting out to meet his needs. There need not be a quarrel over whose needs take priority. Each of them has a right to live a life in which their needs are being met. It just may be that around this issue their needs are disparate and they need either to cope or to separate.

No one has an obligation to be what you need. In a healthy relationship you are together because your needs interests, etc are compatible. Compatibility is not the results if forcing an intersection of your needs. Generally , you are together because you are compatible ,and not that you hope to become compatible because you have decided to be together inspite of some rather significant differences.

[quote Tattler2]@blendIful
How does one"make " a grown man do anything ?The reality is that he is choosing to do this. Originally, for all that we know, this arrangement may have been his idea.

It is also disingenuous to suggest that his kids are necessarily confused or damaged by having an annual holiday dinner with their biological parents. The kids experience this once a year event and that does not necessarily translate into some happy family event that leads them to expect or even hope for some kind of reconciliation. It may be as simple and similar as having turkey or duck every year for Xmas.

The OP's issue should be whether her relationship is meeting her needs. Clearly, the partner is setting out to meet his needs. There need not be a quarrel over whose needs take priority. Each of them has a right to live a life in which their needs are being met. It just may be that around this issue their needs are disparate and they need either to cope or to separate.

No one has an obligation to be what you need. In a healthy relationship you are together because your needs interests, etc are compatible. Compatibility is not the results if forcing an intersection of your needs. Generally , you are together because you are compatible ,and not that you hope to become compatible because you have decided to be together inspite of some rather significant differences.[/quote]
You are right about the top part, OP’s DP is choosing. What I meant by making was emotional manipulation of ‘it’s best for the kids’ or ‘you want to spend Xmas with your wife and not the kids’. May not be the case but equally it could be. And if she is doing that, rather than allowing the kids to go to their father for a while that’s wrong.

Also as I said when exw moves on, I imagine that this set up will cease in place of new DP attending Xmas together.

I agree with parents getting along, and being amicable, and attending events for example parents evening or sports days etc together with no issues. But I also think that includes new partners on both sides being able to come with no issues if wanted.

But I dont agree with shared events like this. I simply don’t think there is a need. Both parents should be able to move on and the kids get 2 events for things usually, I think that’s more the ‘normal’ I don’t think that getting everyone together for a day to do stuff together is normal that’s just my personal opinion.

@Blendiful your opinion is shared by many people including the Family Courts. They make parents alternate yearly which parent their children spend Christmas Day with.

@RedWingBoots
In States (at least in my state) there is no such mandate nor requirements. We had worked out our agreement regarding finances, custody, post secondary educational payments, etc before we even filed for divorce. The Court simply signed off on the agreement. There were no requirements about alternating anything.

Sorry if I missed it but how old are the children? If DP and Ex split 8 years ago they're not little kids who need to see Mummy and Daddy playing happy families, at that age they probably hardly look up from their Nintendo or whatever to notice who else is in the room.

@EasyLifer
You are probably right. These kids are 8 years older and may even be teenagers. Tho quite possibly are not confused by any of this. Dad's presence for dinner is probably just as routine as having a Xmas tree or grandma's Xmas pudding as a part of Xmas dinner. It is no part of playing " happy family " or envisioning some kind of long hoped for resolution. It may not be the way that most people celebrate Xmas, but it is the way that they choose to celebrate Xmas. After 8 years none of this probably feels anymore inflicted upon them than does anyone else's tradition of 8 years.
What is obvious is that the relationship with the OP has not provided anything that makes the OP's partner feel that he needs to make a change.

It seems as though the OP is welcome to take part in his existing tradition but he has no need to create a new Xmas tradition.

The OP has an absolute right not to want to join his tradition, but her partner is not polling others as to how he should feel. The choice for OP is why is she continuing in this relationship if she is dissatisfied with the decision that he is making. He appears to be open and upfront about how and where he wants to spend Xmas. He is not misleading or deceiving the OP. OP seems to be angry with him for being the person that he is rather than the person that she wants him to be , and yet for 4 years he has routinely shown her the person that he is and obviously intends to remain as that person.

Why is it so hard to accept that which he has never attempted to conceal? If you know and choose to stay, your anger should be directed at your decision making process.

@Tattler2 this is a UK based website so things that are the norm in the US aren't the norm here.

In the UK unless there is conflict parents in all legal jurisdictions are expected to sort out child arrangements informally. Only if there is conflict, whether through the divorce process or otherwise when parents separate, can one party request the law be involved. Even then the Courts can refuse to get involved due to the child's age or for whatever other reason a judge decides.

My best friend is a step mum, but is amicable with the child's mother and has no DC of her own, they alternate who is hosting but all are invited, I've always thought this was really nice rather than odd. I guess the issue is that there is a difficult relationship with the ex

I wouldn't be comfortable with this arrangement either OP. My EXDP took his EXDW to court to insist on alternate Christmas to be spent with his DS, yet when it came down to enforcing it, he was too scared of his ex. This meant he would go and pick DSS up in the morning, then take him out, then bring him to ours for a few hours, then take him back around 4pm.

It really disrupted our day, particularly the year we had lots of guests, yet EXDP still left me to get on with things plus entertain them on my own so he could appease his EXDW by ferrying DSS all over the place. I wouldn't allow a man to treat me like such a doormat again, as I have DC now, who are equally important as his DS (I didn't have any DC initially).