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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ideas for split Xmas day adult alone

101 replies

Thisandthathat · 12/11/2021 08:36

I usually plan my Xmas day a year in advance. My DC alternates Xmas/ NY between me and DCs Dad.

Last year was awful so I suggested to my DP’s ex we do a joint Xmas day, DC and SDC hadn’t seen much of each other due to covid. I’ve been with DP 4 years all get along.

As it happened by the time Xmas 2020 rolled around me and DP were living together. So we hosted DPs ex and SDC at ours.
It was a little difficult as by now it has become apparent the amicable relationship between DP and his ex was really only due to him constantly giving into her.
But I put brave face on it and we all had a good time.

I’ve been asking DP since last Xmas to sort out Xmas plans going forward. Of course he’s not, a few months ago I said stop pretending you have any option you are clearly just going to go to ex’s house on Xmas day. Apart from 2020 this has been their habit since splitting 8 years ago.

All year he was adamant he would go for a few hours and not eat dinner.
We’ll now he’s going to have dinner with ex her parents and DSC before returning home. This means we won’t have dinner together.

It also means I’m alone for bulk of Xmas day. I feel very sad.
DP doesn’t want DSC to have 2 xmas days, but will happily to take part when my DC is having Xmas day with me on 28th. DSC will also be with us then.

Is this normal to go to your ex after so many years?
We don’t have a joint dc and won’t , so it’ll never be an issue in that sense. But next year my DC will be here for xmas. There’s no possibility to split that day or for them to alternate his ex has been very clear she won’t do this.

Sorry just wanted to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/11/2021 12:54

@OneDayInMyLife

Just for a different perspective. My DP always goes to his ex's for 4 or 5 days over Christmas (and stays at the house). They live 200 odd miles apart so this is easiest.

I've no problem with it. His kids are more important than me.

I don't think that's a different perspective at all, it's still very weird.

Original poster

Thisandthathat · 12/11/2021 12:58

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I think I’m part of the problem, I’m not good at putting my foot down. Was in an abusive relationship prior to DP and I find it really hard to gauge:

what’s an appropriate response
putting my feelings first

I tend to put everyone else first.

I do feel that DP is playing happy families with ex.
He wants us to be a family, but I feel he has a foot in the other camp.

I definitely don’t think he’s trying to hurt or upset me deliberately. He’s trying to make everyone happy, but probably only making his ex happy.
I’m not sure DSC are going to be pleased when they discover there won’t be any xmas days here with my DC (they are very close and regard each other as siblings)

I wish he would just get on with building his own life with DSC.
I’ve long had the view he carries around a lot of guilt about ending the relationship with DSC Mum and she plays on this.

Argh this makes me so sad! I need to stop being such a wet lettuce

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2021 13:00

It is about his ex. His children could spend Christmas with him and op. This is not the only option as evidenced by ops plans previously. Stop normalising shitty behaviour.

Every year? So when it’s not his yer he cannot have dinner with his children?

It’s just dinner, he is with thr op in the morning and then again in the evening. Don’t get me wrong it’s shit for the op, but he’s having Xmas dinner with his kids, he’s spending the rest of the day with her.

Skyeheather · 12/11/2021 13:02

When DSD was younger DP would go round to her house Christmas morning, very early, she would call around 6am to say that Santa had been and Daddy had 10 minutes to get there before she started opening! DP would stay until lunchtime then come home and the rest of the day and evening was ours. I would have a nice lie in and cook the dinner in peace. PIL would alternate Christmas Day, one year with us, one year with DSD.

He's being mean leaving you alone all day.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/11/2021 13:03

@Bluntness100

It is about his ex. His children could spend Christmas with him and op. This is not the only option as evidenced by ops plans previously. Stop normalising shitty behaviour.

Every year? So when it’s not his yer he cannot have dinner with his children?

That's what happens when you split up. Many families choose to have a second Christmas day on boxing Day.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 12/11/2021 13:05

No way would I be moping around indoors on my own dressing it up as pampering yourself.
I'd celebrate with your friends or family . Why should you be alone all day and waiting for him to get home? He wants to be with his kids , i get that .but it's your Christmas too !

KylieKoKo · 12/11/2021 13:24

His kids are more important than me.

This made me sad. No they are not. Their needs might need to be prioritized at times as they are children but you are an important human being too. No one is more important than anyone else.

aSofaNearYou · 12/11/2021 13:37

@KylieKoKo

His kids are more important than me.

This made me sad. No they are not. Their needs might need to be prioritized at times as they are children but you are an important human being too. No one is more important than anyone else.

Totally agree. Comments like that are so depressing.

aSofaNearYou · 12/11/2021 13:39

I think he is wrong to think this is what most people do OP, I think most alternate.

I think it's understandable that he wants to see his kids but pretty disappointing that he isn't bothered about balancing that with not leaving his life partner alone. As another PP said, the dinner isn't important to kids, he could just go to open gifts.

harriethoyle · 12/11/2021 13:45

@Ilikewinter

I dont really know what to say but your DP is knowingly leaving you alone on xmas day so that he can go to his ex's house for dinner?????. Yeah i wouldnt be agreeing to that. Id also tell him thats hes not invited to spend 28th with you and your DC and kick him out to the ex's for the day!

I absolutely agree with this. He's a real CF.

I know LTB is thrown around on MN all the time but this would be a real deal breaker for me. I couldn't get past it. The lack of care for you is horrid

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2021 13:51

@KylieKoKo

His kids are more important than me.

This made me sad. No they are not. Their needs might need to be prioritized at times as they are children but you are an important human being too. No one is more important than anyone else.

I think he is treating them fairly equally. He is spending morning and evening with the op and afternoon with the kids. He’s not spending the whole day with them.

They will wake up together on Xmas morning, open their gifts, can habe a lovely breakfast together, do whatever, he heads off mid afternoon, and is back three or four hours later to spend the evening with her. I really don’t think he is doing anything wrong.

I really don’t think it’s fair for people to be telling the op he can’t see his kids on Christmas day or have dinner with them unless she’s there too.

mildlymiffed · 12/11/2021 14:02

@Bluntness100 and how is spending every other Christmas Day with them unfair?

When people separate they are no longer a family with their ex partner.

They instead would get a dedicated Christmas with either their mum or their dad each year. And the op wouldn't have to be alone at all.

Seems to be the model for 99% of other families so why not here?

If it is "just a day", then why is having a replica Christmas on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve such a hassle at their dads house?

KylieKoKo · 12/11/2021 14:03

@Bluntness100 the post I replied to wasn't by the OP. I was just sad that a SM felt like she wasn't "important".

catmum789 · 12/11/2021 14:15

I'd say take yourself on a little holiday using the money you were going to spend on DP Christmas gift

lunar1 · 12/11/2021 14:17

You shouldn't need to put your foot down, anyone who loves you wouldn't have you spend Christmas Day alone.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2021 14:19

They instead would get a dedicated Christmas with either their mum or their dad each year. And the op wouldn't have to be alone at all

I get you’re really saying if you ruled the world you’d make this. The only option but I’m sure you must be aWare that you do not rule the world and it is not the only option, plenty of co parenting people have a joint dinner with the kids on Christmas, particularly if they are young children.

The parents maybe seperated but they are still the children family. Irrelevant if you deem them otherwise,

Skeumorph · 12/11/2021 14:22

I definitely don’t think he’s trying to hurt or upset me deliberately. He’s trying to make everyone happy, but probably only making his ex happy.

It's deliberate in the sense that he is making an active choice to put you at the bottom of the pile.

This would be it for me, really.

I would go away - using any money you would have spent on him - his rules are that the person you're in a relationship with is the one you can shit on, right?

Where are your parents going, can you join them for a couple of days?

I certainly wouldn't be waiting there when he came back, even if I had to bloody book myself and the dog into the more bizarre b&b going!!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/11/2021 14:24

Its not very often I say this but honestly LTB. He has zero respect for You and I can't see that changing. If he does this to You at Christmas without a second thought that is showing You what kind of person he is and what kind of future You are going to have.

Neveranynamesleft · 12/11/2021 14:25

I cant get my head around the fact that he goes and has xmas dinner not only with his ex but also the in laws and he doesnt care that you are left on your own !!! Ffs OP give your head a wobble and put your bloody foot down. Yes it's normal for him to want to spend time with his children at xmas but all the rest of it is wrong !!!!

mildlymiffed · 12/11/2021 14:30

@Bluntness100

They instead would get a dedicated Christmas with either their mum or their dad each year. And the op wouldn't have to be alone at all

The parents maybe seperated but they are still the children family. Irrelevant if you deem them otherwise,

Nothing about me ruling the world at all.

It's a fairly standard way of doing things which negates the charade of playing 'happy families' with your ex. The op is unhappy. There is an alternative method that works for others, why on earth should she not expect her op to consider it?

Unless from your omnipotent standpoint she should just suck it up and be alone for quite a chunk of an important day in the calendar? I've spent Christmas alone previously, it sucks. However hard you dress it up with tv, fluffy pyjamas and chocolate.

The alternative method means that no one in the op's scenario is alone at Christmas.

Magda72 · 12/11/2021 14:32

I too am astounded that you've been ok with this @Thisandthathat.
Honestly? I wouldn't have stuck around for this - they're all (him exw, dc & extended family) are stuck in a time warp where nothing has moved on.
Only a stupid or completely insensitive partner would ask this of you.

Pinkspecs · 12/11/2021 14:33

I don't think alot of ex's spend Christmas together especially that far down the line but it's obviously something he wants to keep on doing.
It doesn't sound like he considers you in his plans at all though.
Is he always like this?

Neveranynamesleft · 12/11/2021 14:45

@OneDayInMyLife

Is there a reason they cant stay with you ?? Sorry but that ain't normal.

OneDayInMyLife · 12/11/2021 14:56

@Neveranynamesleft

Yes a few reasons.

I go to my family for Christmas.
One of his children as severely disabled and doesn't cope out of the home.
That would leave the ex alone - which isn't very nice.
I don't live with my partner (of 3 years) and never will because neither of us want to.

His children are more important than me and my children are more important than him !

burnoutbabe · 12/11/2021 14:56

Won't this resolve as soon as ex gets a partner?

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