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Original poster

Ideas for split Xmas day adult alone

101 replies

Thisandthathat · 12/11/2021 08:36

I usually plan my Xmas day a year in advance. My DC alternates Xmas/ NY between me and DCs Dad.

Last year was awful so I suggested to my DP’s ex we do a joint Xmas day, DC and SDC hadn’t seen much of each other due to covid. I’ve been with DP 4 years all get along.

As it happened by the time Xmas 2020 rolled around me and DP were living together. So we hosted DPs ex and SDC at ours.
It was a little difficult as by now it has become apparent the amicable relationship between DP and his ex was really only due to him constantly giving into her.
But I put brave face on it and we all had a good time.

I’ve been asking DP since last Xmas to sort out Xmas plans going forward. Of course he’s not, a few months ago I said stop pretending you have any option you are clearly just going to go to ex’s house on Xmas day. Apart from 2020 this has been their habit since splitting 8 years ago.

All year he was adamant he would go for a few hours and not eat dinner.
We’ll now he’s going to have dinner with ex her parents and DSC before returning home. This means we won’t have dinner together.

It also means I’m alone for bulk of Xmas day. I feel very sad.
DP doesn’t want DSC to have 2 xmas days, but will happily to take part when my DC is having Xmas day with me on 28th. DSC will also be with us then.

Is this normal to go to your ex after so many years?
We don’t have a joint dc and won’t , so it’ll never be an issue in that sense. But next year my DC will be here for xmas. There’s no possibility to split that day or for them to alternate his ex has been very clear she won’t do this.

Sorry just wanted to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisandthathat · 12/11/2021 08:38

Sorry I meant to say. What should I do with myself so I don’t feel so sad on Xmas day?

OP posts:
mildlymiffed · 12/11/2021 08:40

It's not normal and I wouldn't be going along with it either. Time for the reading of the riot act I think.

MakkaPakkas · 12/11/2021 08:41

What do you never get to do/eat because you're catering for men & children? I'd do that

mildlymiffed · 12/11/2021 08:41

And this no ability to alternate is bullshit. It's what most separated couples do. Why is she calling all the shots, and why is he pandering to it? He sounds like he needs to grow a pair.

Original poster
Thisandthathat · 12/11/2021 09:05

@MakkaPakkas

What do you never get to do/eat because you're catering for men & children? I'd do that
I thought of going to a hotel. But would it be weird eating Xmas dinner alone? I love Xmas so struggle with what to do on my dc free years. I’d normally see friends or my parents but those aren’t options this year.
OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 12/11/2021 09:14

I dont really know what to say but your DP is knowingly leaving you alone on xmas day so that he can go to his ex's house for dinner?????.
Yeah i wouldnt be agreeing to that.
Id also tell him thats hes not invited to spend 28th with you and your DC and kick him out to the ex's for the day!

IntermittentParps · 12/11/2021 09:19

@Ilikewinter

I dont really know what to say but your DP is knowingly leaving you alone on xmas day so that he can go to his ex's house for dinner?????. Yeah i wouldnt be agreeing to that. Id also tell him thats hes not invited to spend 28th with you and your DC and kick him out to the ex's for the day!
Yes, this. He sounds wet.

As for Xmas Day itself, what do you like to eat? Do you like to cook? Cook your favourite foods. If you don't, then can you get your favourite takeaway? Or do you like anything that's pre-prepped that you just shove in the oven?
Do you like to watch films? Listen to the radio? Do puzzles?
Spend the day in your PJs? or get up at dawn and go for a long walk?

You can spend the day doing things you love and not having to put a brave face on for anyone.

Treat yourself!

Maximum71 · 12/11/2021 09:25

I get it that he wants to spend Xmas day with the kids. Can you not face joining them for dinner? Pamper yourself in the morning - and then go to theirs? Is that an option? Otherwise - maybe ask a close friend can you come to them for dinner? Xx
You deserve a bit of a pity party as my old boss used to say. It is a bit crap - but stay positive- it hasn't happened yet and the world is now your oyster ! Xx

Original poster
Thisandthathat · 12/11/2021 09:28

@mildlymiffed

And this no ability to alternate is bullshit. It's what most separated couples do. Why is she calling all the shots, and why is he pandering to it? He sounds like he needs to grow a pair.
He thinks what they do is normal. I’m not so sure. Especially when the “good” relationship is actually her doing what she wants and he has no say. It took him 10 months to get 2 midweek overnights a month.
OP posts:
Original poster
Thisandthathat · 12/11/2021 09:31

I’ve been think pjs and films and getting the dog a stocking 🤣🤣🤣

I think I might be quite annoyed when he gets home and don’t want to put more of a downer on the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisandthathat · 12/11/2021 09:34

@Maximum71

I get it that he wants to spend Xmas day with the kids. Can you not face joining them for dinner? Pamper yourself in the morning - and then go to theirs? Is that an option? Otherwise - maybe ask a close friend can you come to them for dinner? Xx You deserve a bit of a pity party as my old boss used to say. It is a bit crap - but stay positive- it hasn't happened yet and the world is now your oyster ! Xx
I think me joining them might create an atmosphere, I don’t want to spoil or risk spoiling day for DSC. I told DPs ex I didn’t want a relationship with her anymore due to how she has behaved. So I can’t pretend this year.

Plus her parents drink excessively and I don’t want to witness that (again).

OP posts:
mildlymiffed · 12/11/2021 09:48

You both sound like you're not prepared to confront the elephant in the room. It's not normal, it's not how most separated people deal with Christmas and their children.

He's leaving you alone, and playing happy families with his ex and kids. It really isn't fair on you.

I'd say that they have to take it in turns so that you get a Christmas with him.

Tattler2 · 12/11/2021 10:35

It seems as though your partner has made it abundantly clear that " his normal " is to spend Xmas day with his children and the mother. The only question before you is how are you going to spend your Xmas day. Are you going to spend a recurrent holiday ( as opposed to a once in a lifetime experience) lamenting his absence? Are you going to join in " his normal? " Are you going to take charge and plan your own day? Are you going to say , I no longer wish to have a partner for whom this is " his normal? "

Does it really matter if his choice is normal or typical? It is the reality with which you are dealing and the parameters surrounding your particular choice. If everyone on the thread said " yes it is normal ," would that make the situation any more desirable or palatable to or for you? The real question is how are you going to let his choice of how he spends this 1 day effect how you spend the other 364 days of the year? Only you can make that choice ,and it is too important a decision to be made by poll. What are you willing to live with and what you are wi!ling to live without should be what governs your choice as relates to your personal life arrangements.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2021 10:40

I think what’s really happening here is he is choosing to have Xmas dinner with his children rather than you. He will be with you in the morning and in the evening. You need to stop making it about his ex. I doubt it is. It seems to be about spending part of the day with his children.

The way this is written it’s that he wants to be with his ex and not you
You even ask if it’s reasonable to do that, and write it like the fact his own children will be there is irrelevant.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/11/2021 10:41

It's not normal at all! 8 years he's done this? I'd be furious. Well I wouldn't because I just wouldn't have put up with that.

If we temporarily forget that the reason for you being alone is that he is a wet blanket then I would honestly just eat pizza in my Jamas and other Christmas snacks and watch films and Christmas specials on tv. I would love that Grin

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/11/2021 10:42

@Bluntness100

I think what’s really happening here is he is choosing to have Xmas dinner with his children rather than you. He will be with you in the morning and in the evening. You need to stop making it about his ex. I doubt it is. It seems to be about spending part of the day with his children.

The way this is written it’s that he wants to be with his ex and not you
You even ask if it’s reasonable to do that, and write it like the fact his own children will be there is irrelevant.

It is about his ex. His children could spend Christmas with him and op. This is not the only option as evidenced by ops plans previously.

Stop normalising shitty behaviour.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/11/2021 10:43

Alternatively op I'd book myself a holiday and piss off to a warm beach somwheere Grin

Original poster
Thisandthathat · 12/11/2021 11:00

Bluntness- you’re right I should focus on it being about time with DSC and not ex.
I find it increasingly hard to swallow the “we’re friends” line given all that has gone on.

Tattler - you are also correct. Planning my day is how I manage my DC free Xmas and why I’ve been pushing for a clear answer on what he is doing. It all feels so last minute now. The hotel I’d have like to stay in is fully booked, my friends have plans and my parents are away.
I feel like he’s messed me about all year.

This is the only issue but is quite symbolic of our other issues.

It makes me sad he won’t push for his in 121 Xmas time with DSC but that my problem I guess.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/11/2021 11:09

No @Thisandthathat!!! It is a problem with him. It's weird and I'd go as far as to say pretty disrespectful to you. Do not let tattler have you believe this is normal and "for the kids" it's not.

Tattler2 · 12/11/2021 11:20

@Thisandthathat
On balance, you might ask yourself what are the other 364 days a year like. Is your life generally very satisfying? Do you have a relationship and quality of life that you are willing to give up because of where and with whom he chooses to break bread on this one day each year?

I have no idea what is the appropriate decision for you. Only you can make the decision. However, you should sort out in your mind exactly what it is that is in play. Your decision will effect not only Xmas day but the other 364 days of your year.

Nowomenaroundeh · 12/11/2021 11:46

I don't think tattler was pushing that, bluntness was however.

The thing is OP by him saying it's fine for me, tough to you he's saying it's going to be like this forever. Maybe their arrangement did work before but things have changed now. He wants you to alit into his life exactly but doesn't want to adapt his own to you.

Honestly I would not be sitting around waiting till he's available to see me. If your own DC is away I would make some nice plans, a yoga retreat (just my personal choice, could be your idea of hell) or few days away. And I wouldn't let him think he's welcome to join in on the 28th.

Himself and his ex have separated. You need to make your own household. He's either in it or not. He can't flit back and forth between the two.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/11/2021 11:47

Yes sorry bluntness not tattler

lunar1 · 12/11/2021 11:50

For children opening the presents, showing each other what the got and giving out gifts is the important bit. Not the dinner. The dinner is about the adults.

If it was about his children he could just go for an hour in the morning and come back and they would be happy.

Leaving you alone for so long is awful and unnecessary. Does he even care about how you feel or what you will be doing?

Woodmarsh · 12/11/2021 12:06

No it's not normal and its certainly not ok at all in any way shape or form. What a complete and utter arse your OH is that he would do this. He wouldn't be my OH any longer I can tell you.

My OH goes to see kids on xmas day, he is there for a couple of hours in the morning and to be honest that suits me. We then have dinner together and do normal adult Christmas day things.

OneDayInMyLife · 12/11/2021 12:44

Just for a different perspective. My DP always goes to his ex's for 4 or 5 days over Christmas (and stays at the house). They live 200 odd miles apart so this is easiest.

I've no problem with it. His kids are more important than me.