AIBU to not want to spend this time with his children?

[DontWantToThanks]

My husband has mentioned a couple of times asking someone to look after our baby (10 months) one weekend afternoon and night when we have his older children with us so we can spend some time with them without baby, take them out somewhere or something.

AIBU to say no? Honestly as mean as it probably sounds I have no desire to have someone take DS just so I can go out with DSC.

He absolutely can take them out anywhere he likes but I don't want to send my son away just so I can go along too.

He doesn't see the problem (we have asked people to have DS a few times overnight before but that was when we were completely childfree), I don't see the point if we have the children with us anyway, I'd rather DS was with me.

It's a very odd request. Not something I'd be happy to do.

What are the ages of SC?

No one can expect you to do anything but if there's a vast age gap, then your DH is quite right to in a blue moon do something separate that focuses on them.

I would feel happy to be included in that, and that they want me there.

We take DSD to football matches here and there, and leave DD3 with nanny because quite frankly she would be bored shitless.

If they were your biological children you would do this, so why's it different because they aren't?

There is a big age gap yes and I have no problem with him going and doing something that focuses on them, he does actually do this quite a lot which is great. I just don't feel the need to go along.

Perhaps it would be different if they were my children but they aren't, and I don't feel that way about them. I don't want to send my son away so I can go out with his siblings. I'd rather be spending the time with my son in all honesty.

If I was getting a babysitter it would be to go somewhere child free. It seems obvious in this situation that he takes out his DCs and you stay home with DS.

@dorris88

What an entirely illogical and pointless argument

Like you, I would have no interest in doing this OP. I think that's fair enough. He can still do things 1:1 with them himself if he likes.

@gindreams

Do explain...

If they were your biological children you would do this, so why's it different because they aren't?

That old chestnut...

@rookiemere

If I was getting a babysitter it would be to go somewhere child free. It seems obvious in this situation that he takes out his DCs and you stay home with DS.

Fortunately we have quite a lot of family support so I doubt we'd have to arrange an actual baby-sitter or be short of offers again if we ever wanted to go anywhere else.

But I don't like asking a lot and this just, and I know this sounds awful, feels like a 'waste' of an offer to me because I won't want to ask or accept any offers again for a while.

I wouldn't do this either. Like you say he can do stuff with them but why you need to leave your child behind is beyond me.

Would he get a sitter for the dsc to take the baby out? Doubt it.
Yanbu.

Egh his contact weekend he wants to focus on SC that's great he can take them out and you stay home with the baby.

Just as with SC you wouldn't send them away, you can't send baby away because babies house as well as the SC house.

You need to speak to DP and say contact is for you to spend time with your kids. I shouldn't have to vanish the baby because I'm not asking you to make baby the priority as I'm handling baby. Go have fun.

Let me guess this dad guilt is showing in other areas and spiralled since new baby ?

It's not that I'd be sad that DS would be missing out or left behind, he's of course only small and I understand DHs point that there's things we can't all do together now with a baby as well.

But I'd rather him just do them alone then. Because honestly if the choice is go X with DSC or spend the night with DS then I'd rather be with DS.

If he wants this every weekend then IMO this is unreasonable, but if its once every few months I wouldn't have a problem. It sounds like he wants you to bond more with them and do activities that wouldn't be suitable with the baby. I'd suck it up and maybe try to enjoy myself if it was occasionally - they are part of your family and your ds' siblings.

I might see his point if it was a toddler and teens but at ten months a baby just comes along on whatever activities you are doing.

This situation is different to most.

Assuming the OP has a good relationship with her DSC, and before baby came about used to do fun activities with her husband and his children.

You build a blended family, then stand strong and proud with your own child? I would hate for my SC to feel that after I had my own baby I wouldn't want to spend time with her.

And given the age gap in my experience, that would mean without my DD. I by no means would do this often, but on the off chance my DH might suggest a day at Thorpe park for arguments sake, and DD wants me to come, I would never say no 😅 it's totally inflexible to he like 'no I'm not carting MY kid off, to spend time with YOURS'

And I am a step mum

@DontWantToThanks

It's not that I'd be sad that DS would be missing out or left behind, he's of course only small and I understand DHs point that there's things we can't all do together now with a baby as well.

But I'd rather him just do them alone then. Because honestly if the choice is go X with DSC or spend the night with DS then I'd rather be with DS.

Nothing wrong with that tbh.

At the end of the day, his contact time is his. You don't need to be dragged along to pretend to the kids baby doesn't exist.

If this was suggested the other way around people would flame you for excluding the SC. Believe me it happens a lot around here

@shylatte

If he wants this every weekend then IMO this is unreasonable, but if its once every few months I wouldn't have a problem. It sounds like he wants you to bond more with them and do activities that wouldn't be suitable with the baby. I'd suck it up and maybe try to enjoy myself if it was occasionally - they are part of your family and your ds' siblings.

Yes it's not every weekend, just occasionally I think.

For some reason I read this as once a week 🤦🏻‍♀️! If it's a one off then I wouldn't have such an issue, it's sort if nice that he would like you there. Could you compromise and attend the afternoon or evening portion only? I know they aren't your kids but I can also see that it would be nice to send a message of "you're important to me too and I enjoy your company".

dorris88 actually I don't think it is at all a given that parents leave babies with babysitters in order to both take siblings out together.

In my experience it's normal to divide znd conquer to cater to children's individual interests and needs.

DH and I have 3 children, all biologically both of ours, and never left dc3 with a babysitter to take DC1 and/ or dc2 anywhere together . What we frequently did is one of us take one or two children somewhere and the other stay home with the other child/ ren.

Or something we still do with a 10 year old and two teens is go somewhere together then spend part of the time as two groups - at theme parks one parent goes on the biggest age 14+ rollercoasters with dc1 and 2 (previously just with dc1) and the other goes on other rides (previously to the kids zone) with dc3.

It's never been necessary for both of us to take the older kids and pay a babysitter. It's utterly normal for parents to divide and conquer to do age appropriate outings.

I wouldn’t do this. Why can’t he just spend time with them alone - they would probably prefer it.

@dorris88

This situation is different to most.

Assuming the OP has a good relationship with her DSC, and before baby came about used to do fun activities with her husband and his children.

You build a blended family, then stand strong and proud with your own child? I would hate for my SC to feel that after I had my own baby I wouldn't want to spend time with her.

And given the age gap in my experience, that would mean without my DD. I by no means would do this often, but on the off chance my DH might suggest a day at Thorpe park for arguments sake, and DD wants me to come, I would never say no 😅 it's totally inflexible to he like 'no I'm not carting MY kid off, to spend time with YOURS'

And I am a step mum

Before my DD came along, I used to spend time doing fun activities with just DP and DSS. Now, I still spend time with them, but my DD is there as I am her parent and I'm taking care of her. The rare occasion someone is looking after her for me, is precious time I use to NOT be doing child focused things, as I am most of the time. The break is for my sake, and my DPs.

Now, fortunately, my DSS never needs to know that yes, technically, I wouldn't reallt want to spend time with just him anymore, because my DP wouldn't put me in the position where that ever needed to be said. He gets the situation, he knows I would rather have time to myself when DD isn't around, so he would not push the matter. There is no drama, it is not something that is likely to cross DSS's mind as he is aware there are now two children, why would he expect one of them to be deliberately sent away sometimes?

As an aside, I can't actually think of many scenarios in which people DO cart their own children off in order to spend leisure time with somebody else's, so I'm not sure why that would be a surprising thing to think.

I would hate for my SC to feel that after I had my own baby I wouldn't want to spend time with her.

I do spend time with them.

If they were going for a walk in the park, great I'll come and push DS in the pram. Going to the cinema where a baby can't go? DH can take them himself and I can stay with DS. I don't see why I'd need to ask someone to have my son so I can go along. I spend time with them doing other things but if DS can't go to whatever it is then I can stay with him and DH can take them.

I used to ask my mum to look after my baby sometimes so I could take my older children out and do things which weren’t appropriate for a baby. But they were my children and I get that you wouldn’t want to ‘waste’ a baby free day looking after someone else’s children!
That said, I’d do it occasionally because it would make your step children feel that you still have interest in them as individuals, which is important I think, in a blended family. If it would make your dh happy, then it’s not a huge ask - akin to visiting in-laws to me. You don’t really want to but you do it because they’re your husband’s family and marriage is about compromise sometimes.

Well if it was tickets to a show or an event that is unsuitable for babies, then I really can't see why you wouldn't go. If you had older kids yourself then you'd need to find a sitter for a baby if you wanted to go to something like that, wouldn't you?

To be honest, I think that you should show willing, even just once or twice.